Almost 30 and still no real relationship experience. I find it hard to connect with anyone emotionally

[FakeSympathy]

Don't get me wrong, I (m29) have been on a few dates here and there, but I don't think I ever had any serious or long-term relationship. As much as I find people attractive in terms of looks and physiques, once I get to know them that's when I starting to feel disinterested in them.

For example, there was a cute girl in her mid-20s whom used to volunteer with me. She was a cute girl and all, and we did talk often. Initially I was glad that I got to know her and was gonna plan asking her out, but as time went on I eventually lost interest in her. The things she liked, her personality, and her priority clearly weren't aligning too great with those of mine. After that I would still talk with her, but not as enthusiastically and keeping strickly professional.

In other instances, I tried pushing hard for a relationship and to give emotional investment, but all I got in return were nothing. I.E. The first girl I actuallly got to go on dates with seemed great, we had a lot of common interest, and our sense of humor seemed to match, but when I eventually asked her for a serious relationship, she just said "Oh I just don't wanna relationship right now" after a few months of seeing each other.

I almost even fell for an online dating scam and blackmail one time. Thankfully I was able to pull myself out before things got ugly, but I felt so pathetic and depressed after that. Was I that desperate, enough to not see obvious signs of a fucking scam?

That's how my 20s went. I'm turning 30 next month and I'm starting to think this will be my life until I die. I mean I can't hold a casual relationship, what chance do I have in marriage or as a parent?

There's a new girl (f29) at the volunteering and because of the nature of the work, we work together often. And I think I'm rekindling that spark of crush again. But I also can't trust anyone or myself emotionally, so I stop myself to take even the basic initiative. I'll respect her as a co-volunteer and indulge in a conversation with her, but nothing more. Besides, I tested the water and it's always me who's starting the casual conversation with her when she never does the same.

 

[gorfias]

Virtually everything a man can get from marrying a woman can be obtained through other less taxing and/or dangerous methods except for now, improving the likelihood of siring and raising your own children. If kids and family are not your goal, I'd focus on friendships and finding things you like to do that give your life meaning. Maybe such relationships aren't in your own best interest. If so, remember that dating is Friday nights: day to day marriage is Monday mornings. It is responsibility. Sharing, giving, cooperating. Its, for me anyway, very rewarding work, but it is work.

As you are entering into your 30s, you are entering the age that men are in their prime for obtaining and maintaining relationships. You should have matured and gained knowledge, experience, world views, means of self support and more that women tend to find attractive. My dad used to tell me that and I didn't believe it until I was around that age. As you write that you haven't experienced it yet, I tell you, you likely, if open to it, are about to do so.

Dating does seem to be different now. In my day, work was were so many of us met our others. Today? Especially with work from home and current laws? Watching my kids, being introduced to someone already close to you, friends, family, that thinks you'll make a good fit works well. Another is online dating. Not all are scams or for hookup culture. I hear that one called "Hinge" is pretty good. That it is specifically for people looking for relationships rather than hookups.

Good luck and hope you make good choices.

 

[FakeSympathy]

Virtually everything a man can get from marrying a woman can be obtained through other less taxing and/or dangerous methods except for now, improving the likelihood of siring and raising your own children. If kids and family are not your goal, I'd focus on friendships and finding things you like to do that give your life meaning. Maybe such relationships aren't in your own best interest. If so, remember that dating is Friday nights: day to day marriage is Monday mornings. It is responsibility. Sharing, giving, cooperating. Its, for me anyway, very rewarding work, but it is work.

As you are entering into your 30s, you are entering the age that men are in their prime for obtaining and maintaining relationships. You should have matured and gained knowledge, experience, world views, means of self support and more that women tend to find attractive. My dad used to tell me that and I didn't believe it until I was around that age. As you write that you haven't experienced it yet, I tell you, you likely, if open to it, are about to do so.

Dating does seem to be different now. In my day, work was were so many of us met our others. Today? Especially with work from home and current laws? Watching my kids, being introduced to someone already close to you, friends, family, that thinks you'll make a good fit works well. Another is online dating. Not all are scams or for hookup culture. I hear that one called "Hinge" is pretty good. That it is specifically for people looking for relationships rather than hookups.

Good luck and hope you make good choices.

I just left Hinge lol online dating was a waste of my time, so I removed myself from anything related

 

[gorfias]

I just left Hinge lol online dating was a waste of my time, so I removed myself from anything related

Sorry to read that of Hinge!

Are you done with education? I was already dating the girl I would go on to marry when in school, but some girls did show interest. I just couldn't follow up as I was already happily committed.

One thing I'd try were I back in the pool? Probably try to take some continuing education classes, particularly those for which you need to be there in person. If you can get into groups that go out for drinks or coffee to talk about such classes, you could find someone to get along with, or might hook you up with someone.

You write you're volunteering. That sounds good, particularly if someone asks if you would like to meet someone. For something like this (finding people) I've been told, what ever you like doing? Do more of it.

Do you come from a large family? Anyone in it that could get you hooked up?

 

[FakeSympathy]

Sorry to read that of Hinge!

Are you done with education? I was already dating the girl I would go on to marry when in school, but some girls did show interest. I just couldn't follow up as I was already happily committed.

One thing I'd try were I back in the pool? Probably try to take some continuing education classes, particularly those for which you need to be there in person. If you can get into groups that go out for drinks or coffee to talk about such classes, you could find someone to get along with, or might hook you up with someone.

You write you're volunteering. That sounds good, particularly if someone asks if you would like to meet someone. For something like this (finding people) I've been told, what ever you like doing? Do more of it.

Do you come from a large family? Anyone in it that could get you hooked up?

I am done with education for now. I did apply for Master's program, but it has to be online part-time due to me having a career job already. Volunteering has been okay, but after doing it for 8 years I'm starting to burn out.

I do come from a large family, but most of them are outside of US and I don't really talk to them too often

 

[Drathnoxis]

Was literally going to make a thread like this today. I've been thinking about making one for a long time and said that today was the day and you beat me to it! Darn it! Might as well stick it in here now.

I'm also 30 and starting to worry about this aspect of my life. There is a limited window for these things and, as I definitely don't want to be having kids when I'm 50, I'm starting to see it on the horizon. My problem is that I'm an introvert and don't like meeting new people. I also work as a Millwright in a factory so about 95% of my coworkers are men, so meeting someone through work is highly improbable. Another problem is that it would be ideal to find a partner who is also an introvert. As someone who enjoys staying home alone most of the time I could see conflict arising if my partner was the type of person who enjoyed going out all the time or having friends over to the house, so another introvert seems necessary. However this compounds the problem. Finding someone who is a good match for me in all aspects seems like it might be a nearly impossible task. But I don't really know, because I haven't actually tried since high-school. My question is how do two people who don't like meeting people meet each other?

 

[Xprimentyl]

My only advice would be stop looking for "perfect for me." A relationship is a two-way road, so don't approach a relationship with a selfish attitude; any woman you decide to date will have also decided to date you, so she'll be dealing with all of your own shortcomings in her own eyes. You'll never find "perfect." It doesn't exist. But what you can find is "great." A relationship isn't about finding someone who checks all of your boxes; it's about finding someone who checks enough boxes that life is better with them than without.

I've dated quite a bit, and while by that admission most didn't work out long-term, I found myself enjoying each woman for her own uniqueness and reasons. None of them were necessarily similar to each other, but each was different enough from me to make my experience with them interesting. The "right" person isn't "you" in someone else's body. You don't need to have every thing in common; what you need is a mutual respect for and interest in exploring each other. The start of a relationship isn't about identifying "the one" from the first date; it's about knowing yourself and opening yourself up to new and fresh experiences with someone who might be the one without that specific expectation.

 

[Baffle]

Honestly, no one is perfect for anyone, and it's pointless aiming for that anyway because people change over time.

My question is how do two people who don't like meeting people meet each other?

They suck it up and step outside their comfort zone for a bit I think. It's healthy to do that now and then anyway IMO. Maybe take up a new hobby that involves going out, do a short college course, whatever (to be clear though, you need to be there because you want to be there for that thing, not because you're trying to score).

I tell you what, everyone loves people with strong, outspoken left-wing views, so get out there and preach. Be highly critical of landlords etc.

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

The deepest relationships stem from friendships. I think the issue is that too many people think "I need to meet my soulmate" instead of "I want to find a good friend and see where things go from there". As with many other things, the media has lied to us about relationships.

I almost even fell for an online dating scam and blackmail one time. Thankfully I was able to pull myself out before things got ugly, but I felt so pathetic and depressed after that. Was I that desperate, enough to not see obvious signs of a fucking scam?

Bruh, I feel this. When I was younger, I'd started a relationship with someone I'd met online who ended up getting kicked out by her roommates. I took her in, for which she "repaid" me by trying to manipulate me into marrying her (she was a Canadian citizen), and when she found out that wasn't going to work, she ripped me off for a couple thousand dollars and buggered off.

 

[Drathnoxis]

They suck it up and step outside their comfort zone for a bit I think. It's healthy to do that now and then anyway IMO. Maybe take up a new hobby that involves going out, do a short college course, whatever (to be clear though, you need to be there because you want to be there for that thing, not because you're trying to score).

I tell you what, everyone loves people with strong, outspoken left-wing views, so get out there and preach. Be highly critical of landlords etc.

And what weeds out all the extroverts in this advice? Yeah, you would meet more 'people', but acting like an extrovert is surely going to attract extroverts.

 

[Baffle]

And what weeds out all the extroverts in this advice? Yeah, you would meet more 'people', but acting like an extrovert is surely going to attract extroverts.

I would avoid categorising people that way TBH; introversion/extroversion is obviously a sliding scale and most people you might think of as extroverted are unlikely to be balls to the wall party animals. And I'd try not to think of it as weeding people out either! I dunno, I've been married for a very long time now so am fully out of the dating game, but treating having a partner as an objective to complete seems like something that isn't going to work. You just have to spend more time around people to meet people!

 

[RhombusHatesYou]

I found myself enjoying each woman for her own uniqueness and reasons

*waggles eyebrows*

 

[RhombusHatesYou]

My advice would be to focus on what makes you happy in life... get that sorted and the rest of it all starts to seem a bit silly.

 

[gorfias]

My advice would be to focus on what makes you happy in life... get that sorted and the rest of it all starts to seem a bit silly.

So simple sounding but this is wisdom.

 

[RhombusHatesYou]

So simple sounding but this is wisdom.

*engage smug mode*

 

[Terminal Blue]

Don't get me wrong, I (m29) have been on a few dates here and there, but I don't think I ever had any serious or long-term relationship. As much as I find people attractive in terms of looks and physiques, once I get to know them that's when I starting to feel disinterested in them.

My first impression is that it sounds like maybe you just aren't interested in serious or long-term relationships. Maybe you're actually just really good at meeting your own needs, and that's a really good quality to have. Not having experienced a serious relationship isn't a problem other than the fact you're obviously bothered by it on some level. But are you bothered by it because you feel like you're missing out on something other people have or is it because you feel like that's what you're supposed to want?

Dating in your 30s isn't as hard as it seems. Sure, most people at that point have figured out what they want out of life, and often that will be serious commitment and family and whatever, but there are a huge number of people in the world. If you like the novelty and excitement of dating more than being in a relationship, you are not alone, and you're better off looking for people who want the same thing (even if you have to look a bit harder) than pretending to want something which actually doesn't interest you.

Finding someone who is a good match for me in all aspects seems like it might be a nearly impossible task.

You are never going to find someone who is exactly like you and who you never clash or have any conflicts with, and if you did you'd eventually get bored of them.

My feeling is that if you want a sense of who your ideal partner would be, don't imagine someone who is exactly like you. Imagine someone who you admire and wish you were more like. Imagine someone who would be worth going out of your comfort zone for.

 

[Elvis Starburst]

I've had a handful of relationships, my longest lasting one going for a year (almost to the day). Maybe I just haven't found the right person, but, I feel like the whole thing is kinda overrated. It didn't feel like it was all it was cracked up to be, from many angles of the relationship. That's not to say they weren't nice or fun, they were both of those things. But the work that goes into it, the difficult times, and of course, the heart break... I dunno man, so far it hasn't been outweighed by the good.

Looking back at how the last relationship of mine went, which was my only one that lasted a year's time... I feel a lot of regret regarding it and my actions during the course the relationship. It wasn't anything horrible or anything like that, I didn't do any terrible shit. But I clearly had a deep lack of understanding with this sort of thing, and I didn't act or behave in ways that I, 5 years later, am proud of. If I ever see my ex and the topic comes up, the first thing I'm gonna be doing is apologizing. Many times I wish I could have my friend back before I took the chance of asking her out.

I hit 30 a month ago, and I'm at a point in my life where I've firmly planted myself in the "not looking and not interested" category. That might change down the line, but at the moment, I'm trying to get the rest of my life in order. I don't need to put another person into the mix on top of that. Plus, I just... don't think I really wanna do it again.

So, my best advice from someone who has been on the less than ideal side of my relationships, it's this... Be very cognizant of your partner and of yourself. It's been said before, but, it is a two way street. Don't be selfish with it. The other person is a human being, and you both are taking on something that can likely impact both of your lives in pretty big and meaningful ways. Keep that and the level of importance that commands in the forefront of your mind

 

[Nox]

I've been blissfully single for nearly two decades now and the one thing I notice people never asking themselves is "Do I want to be in a relationship?"
We're both biologically and socially programmed to do it...but that's a lot different than wanting to do it.

I hated being in a relationship and I hated the dependant nature of most partners; I wanted a partner, not a pet. Eventually I realized relationships just aren't something I'm interested in and that allowed me to focus on things I am.

Nothing wrong with being single and enjoying your company, despite sad people on social media trying to convince you otherwise.

 

[laggyteabag]

Relationships are a difficult subject.

For my money, the worst possible thing that someone can do (relatively speaking), is be in a relationship with someone simply out of convenience, rather than enjoyment. Unless you are 100% committed and sold on the relationship, it is probably just better to remain single. Otherwise you are just dealing with unnecessary stress and conflicts that you really don't need to be dealing with on a daily basis.

For me, I had a lot of success with a long-distance relationship, because the distance gave us both time to just be ourselves for extended periods of time, and the time/monetary commitment for regular visits made us both constantly consider if keeping this up was worth it. Luckily for us, it was, and 7 years later, we are very happy.

When it comes to meeting people if I wasn't with my partner, I've always wondered how I would do it. I met my partner whilst working together at a laser tag center of all places, but I generally would advise against dating within your workplace, if you would consider that workplace a long-term career. I firmly believe that the best relationships are born out of friendships, so I wouldn't really be interested in the Tinder route. Maybe a more mature dating app would work - i've heard good things about Bumble - but I've recently been attending a local meet-and-greet community group where random locals just meet up, hoping to make friends along the way; this is probably the avenue that I would pursue.

At the end of the day though, unless you really see yourself being happier with someone else, there really is nothing wrong with just being happily single.

 

[FakeSympathy]

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

After reading all of them, and doing some self-reflection, the answer that I came up with is I still don't know if I want a relationship. I really wish it was one or the other, but as some of you pointed out, it's a difficult answer.

On one hand, I'm kinda scared if I were to be alone right now, I will be alone in my twilight years. I have gotten to know someone who lives in a retirement center, and due to mistakes on his end, he's alone with no one really visiting him. The dude is constantly seeking people to talk to or to meet, and talks to our family often. I find him to be both annoying and sad at the same time. I'm scared that I am looking at my future self.

On the other hand, I feel the painful experiences in the past are convincing me not to seek anyone out. I mean none of them were serious experiences, but whenever I tried to make it so it always turned bad for me. I am also worrying about the situations that hasn't even happened, such as my SO cheating on me, being toxic, or even passing away. I don't know if I can handle any of that. Besides, while my current situation does get lonely despite not seeing anyone platonically or romantically, I feel peace and serenity. I am doing all the things that I want to do both casual and extreme (i.e. playing games or going skydiving) for myself, with no need to worry about opinions of others.

Some of you have pointed out to maybe stop being selfish and look for a relationship for both myself and potential partners, and to stop looking for the perfect one, etc. I totally agree. I myself is not a perfect human being, and my standards have definitely changed since my teenage years. But I feel as much as that someone will be great for me, I don't have too much confidence in being someone ideal for them.