Of the many bounties the yearly steam sale brings I was quite undecided about Obsidians Alpha Protocol. After a year of mixed reviews and curiosity I decided to dig into whatever dish was served up. Here is my account of the past half hour of gameplay.
So I enter into the game with a slightly elevated opinion as it allows me to choose from a neat selection of backgrounds for my character. I go for tec specialist because Deus Ex taught me that watching the enemies turrets gun down their own goons while I sit back sipping future cocktails watching through a security monitor drenched in the previous attendants own blood is frankly hilarious. Then the game tells me tec specialist means EMP specialist. Kaaay lets take all the points out of that and pump up my stealth. Yeah! Stealth rules, if I can complete Metal Gear Solid 3 on European Extreme then this should be fine.
So the tutorial level is spent judo chopping peoples necks from behind so I start to feel this game could be a real laugh. A terminal? Why not. Lets see if I can get that camera to tag the Guard or something like in Bioshock. WOAH ok this looks tricky, and I need to do it standing up in front of a guard. Best leave this be. I cant? WHAT? We ll now im definitely gonna get seen! Oh bugger the terminal is flashing! Blam blam! Ok the Guard is down and all the alarms are off, but why did that have to happen anyway? If the game made any sense I could have taken out the goon before Thorton set off all the alarms! Well whatever lets get on with it. Its only a minor flaw im just getting worked up like I usually go. Im sure that sort of thing wont happen again...
Turns out all the guards and gunfire was all a training exercise. Yeah, on top of that I still haven't proved my worth to them until I can go through the longest dialogue tutorial in the world. Its a training exercise on how to have conversation. No im not kidding. Where did they find Thorton under a damn rock?
About 5 minutes leter thay finally send me off to sunny Saudi Arabia! Wahoo! Finally I can put my sneaky secret agent skills to use in the field!
Another 10 mins of dialogue goes by just in case I hadn't got a grip on how goshdarn clever it all is. And I have a choice of gear so as a stealth operative lets see what outfits I can choose. Its 2 options, a big black lump of armour to protect from fire. Well its the right colour but ill sound like a big daddy walking about in all that. The only other option is a bright blue holiday shirt thats light as a feather but could probably be seen from about a mile away. Fantastic work hq, glad to see you gave me some tactical options, between the hulk and a fireworks display.
I am FINALLY FINALLY on the bloody bleeding mission (after dressing like a flamboyant tourist) and im in a large airport at night. This is more like it! Lets judo chop some bitches. First ***** is guard number 1 who stands roughly 3 meters away while I am positioned behind cover. It strikes me as a bit weird for a stealth game to start me off right next to a guard when most popular stealth games such as metal gear solid and Deus Ex tend to start off slow but never mind. Its a refreshingly no-nonsense approach.
So lets pop out and stealth kill him. Hang on, my spine seems to be nailed to a chest high wall let me just find out how to leave cover, space you say? (as a message prompts) ok then well- BLUEGH? Thorton just leapt out of cover in the most loud, unstealthy way imaginable. I mean, what? Why? I didnt intend for this! It wasnt my fault the game told me to! Bugger that im not having the very first guard just let off gunfire and alert the base. Lets load the autosave.
WHAAAAT? I loaded, now the game spawns me standing up, outside of the cover and the guard is now facing in my direction with a gun. This is infinitely worse! Hang on lets load again it must be some glitch- nope same thing. How in the fuck are stealthy characters supposed to work with this? Whatever. I punch the goon to death with my bare hands just to take the piss out of how weak all the mooks are. Then go for attempt 2 at a stealth approach since nobody saw me.
I find a warehouse with 2 guards in. Right this is more like it, lots of boxes and shadows to hide behind. I survey the patrol routine thoroughly. One guard seems to have been staring at a brick wall for a minute now so he is weak prey. Lets go over now an- he spun around. And saw me. Half way across a bloody room no less. Ok whatever lets load an autosave and OH BALLS it spawned me out of cover again runrunrun.... wait. All the guards are gone. No guards in the warehouse at all. Or just outside. But thats even worse Alpha Protocol! Now im not just a shit agent but now you have spirited away all the threats like "aaaaw poor little agent, lets just get rid of all those mean guards and you can be on your way" Fuck you, I could have won if your guards patrol scheme made any sense! Once again, whatever, lets just find somebody to judo chop to let out all the anger.
Things actually start going well for about 2 minutes, I enjoy the satisfyingly tactical dispatching of guards and make some progress at long last. Now im in a courtyard with 2 guards, I find one alone, take him out with my smooth judo moves and go for the other. I hide behind a truck and wait until the right oppo- WOAH FUCKING JESUS BLIMEY AHHHH. Ok so there is an MG42 stand randomly looking over the last guard and without even an alarm sounding or backup being called he opens fire from a few feet way. I guess I should have known the level design would be made to trip up noobies like me but this? Well the other guard is oblivious to all this, still standing stock still looking at a brick wall as if all hell hasn't broken loose. Ok lets move deeper into cover- BOOOOM turns out the ruck was full to the brim with explosives. You know, like they always are? So the MG42 gunstand blows me and his buddy up without a second thought. Well I dont even know how the gunner saw me in the first place! I was in shadows after all. Oh wait, it must be the bright blue shirt... I knew that would fuck me over at some point.
Attempht faur... I thank miy mind ish going awaaaay
Just why, why is this game so unfriendly to stealth users? Even metal gear solid 3 super hard mode at least made it reasonably possible to hide or choose appropriate camouflage. I just wanted to play a good stealth game...
Best of all the last load is right back at the warehouse of dissapearing enemies.
Sparse checkpoints are a rant for another day but this one cost me my sanity. Going back through the same section again, I am seen. By a guard on a watch tower. Who was positioned well above where I would reasonably be looking in a 3rd person tealth game where guards and cameras are littering the ground level. When people think they have seen you there is no "caution" mode. They dont say things like "Who's there?" or "I think I heard something" or even just "?". Its just instant gunfire. My mind is melting... I gotta leave and rant about it on the escapist...
So I enter into the game with a slightly elevated opinion as it allows me to choose from a neat selection of backgrounds for my character. I go for tec specialist because Deus Ex taught me that watching the enemies turrets gun down their own goons while I sit back sipping future cocktails watching through a security monitor drenched in the previous attendants own blood is frankly hilarious. Then the game tells me tec specialist means EMP specialist. Kaaay lets take all the points out of that and pump up my stealth. Yeah! Stealth rules, if I can complete Metal Gear Solid 3 on European Extreme then this should be fine.
So the tutorial level is spent judo chopping peoples necks from behind so I start to feel this game could be a real laugh. A terminal? Why not. Lets see if I can get that camera to tag the Guard or something like in Bioshock. WOAH ok this looks tricky, and I need to do it standing up in front of a guard. Best leave this be. I cant? WHAT? We ll now im definitely gonna get seen! Oh bugger the terminal is flashing! Blam blam! Ok the Guard is down and all the alarms are off, but why did that have to happen anyway? If the game made any sense I could have taken out the goon before Thorton set off all the alarms! Well whatever lets get on with it. Its only a minor flaw im just getting worked up like I usually go. Im sure that sort of thing wont happen again...
Turns out all the guards and gunfire was all a training exercise. Yeah, on top of that I still haven't proved my worth to them until I can go through the longest dialogue tutorial in the world. Its a training exercise on how to have conversation. No im not kidding. Where did they find Thorton under a damn rock?
About 5 minutes leter thay finally send me off to sunny Saudi Arabia! Wahoo! Finally I can put my sneaky secret agent skills to use in the field!
Another 10 mins of dialogue goes by just in case I hadn't got a grip on how goshdarn clever it all is. And I have a choice of gear so as a stealth operative lets see what outfits I can choose. Its 2 options, a big black lump of armour to protect from fire. Well its the right colour but ill sound like a big daddy walking about in all that. The only other option is a bright blue holiday shirt thats light as a feather but could probably be seen from about a mile away. Fantastic work hq, glad to see you gave me some tactical options, between the hulk and a fireworks display.
I am FINALLY FINALLY on the bloody bleeding mission (after dressing like a flamboyant tourist) and im in a large airport at night. This is more like it! Lets judo chop some bitches. First ***** is guard number 1 who stands roughly 3 meters away while I am positioned behind cover. It strikes me as a bit weird for a stealth game to start me off right next to a guard when most popular stealth games such as metal gear solid and Deus Ex tend to start off slow but never mind. Its a refreshingly no-nonsense approach.
So lets pop out and stealth kill him. Hang on, my spine seems to be nailed to a chest high wall let me just find out how to leave cover, space you say? (as a message prompts) ok then well- BLUEGH? Thorton just leapt out of cover in the most loud, unstealthy way imaginable. I mean, what? Why? I didnt intend for this! It wasnt my fault the game told me to! Bugger that im not having the very first guard just let off gunfire and alert the base. Lets load the autosave.
WHAAAAT? I loaded, now the game spawns me standing up, outside of the cover and the guard is now facing in my direction with a gun. This is infinitely worse! Hang on lets load again it must be some glitch- nope same thing. How in the fuck are stealthy characters supposed to work with this? Whatever. I punch the goon to death with my bare hands just to take the piss out of how weak all the mooks are. Then go for attempt 2 at a stealth approach since nobody saw me.
I find a warehouse with 2 guards in. Right this is more like it, lots of boxes and shadows to hide behind. I survey the patrol routine thoroughly. One guard seems to have been staring at a brick wall for a minute now so he is weak prey. Lets go over now an- he spun around. And saw me. Half way across a bloody room no less. Ok whatever lets load an autosave and OH BALLS it spawned me out of cover again runrunrun.... wait. All the guards are gone. No guards in the warehouse at all. Or just outside. But thats even worse Alpha Protocol! Now im not just a shit agent but now you have spirited away all the threats like "aaaaw poor little agent, lets just get rid of all those mean guards and you can be on your way" Fuck you, I could have won if your guards patrol scheme made any sense! Once again, whatever, lets just find somebody to judo chop to let out all the anger.
Things actually start going well for about 2 minutes, I enjoy the satisfyingly tactical dispatching of guards and make some progress at long last. Now im in a courtyard with 2 guards, I find one alone, take him out with my smooth judo moves and go for the other. I hide behind a truck and wait until the right oppo- WOAH FUCKING JESUS BLIMEY AHHHH. Ok so there is an MG42 stand randomly looking over the last guard and without even an alarm sounding or backup being called he opens fire from a few feet way. I guess I should have known the level design would be made to trip up noobies like me but this? Well the other guard is oblivious to all this, still standing stock still looking at a brick wall as if all hell hasn't broken loose. Ok lets move deeper into cover- BOOOOM turns out the ruck was full to the brim with explosives. You know, like they always are? So the MG42 gunstand blows me and his buddy up without a second thought. Well I dont even know how the gunner saw me in the first place! I was in shadows after all. Oh wait, it must be the bright blue shirt... I knew that would fuck me over at some point.
Attempht faur... I thank miy mind ish going awaaaay
Just why, why is this game so unfriendly to stealth users? Even metal gear solid 3 super hard mode at least made it reasonably possible to hide or choose appropriate camouflage. I just wanted to play a good stealth game...
Best of all the last load is right back at the warehouse of dissapearing enemies.
Sparse checkpoints are a rant for another day but this one cost me my sanity. Going back through the same section again, I am seen. By a guard on a watch tower. Who was positioned well above where I would reasonably be looking in a 3rd person tealth game where guards and cameras are littering the ground level. When people think they have seen you there is no "caution" mode. They dont say things like "Who's there?" or "I think I heard something" or even just "?". Its just instant gunfire. My mind is melting... I gotta leave and rant about it on the escapist...
