Am I worrying too much about being creepy?

[Doclector]

This came up in conversation today. I'm rather socially awkward/anxious, and today I found myself literally stuck in an aisle of a shop between a wall of people and one attractive girl. I didn't want to go past the girl. I wouldn't even have to touch her to get past, but I couldn't do it. I managed to get through a gap in the wall.

People complain all the time about people being creepy. They seem to say that if someone you don't like is in your personal space, they're creepy. I could understand that. I don't look like what a person should look like. It's not fair, exactly, but not many of the normal people's rules are. They are the majority, and the majority is always right, even if they're wrong. I'm the invader here. I'm the thing that's wrong. If anyone has a duty to adapt, it's me.

But one of my housemates said that's wrong. That I shouldn't worry about people being offended so easily. But I worry all the time because I could get something wrong so easily, then I'm named and shamed on a forum somewhere for getting it wrong. I don't want those assumptions drawn about me.

Honestly, looking at it, it's all a bit absurd. I can't look at women I don't know who aren't talking to me. Any more than a second I thought was considered creepy. So I have to look down, watch their feet so I can move out the way. It gets stressful. But if they look back, I know they hate me. I know they think i'm creepy, they look like that's what they're thinking.

And if I actually do like someone, that's the worst. I don't need to ask, I know they don't like me. Who could? and then I feel guilty. They always say that people who like someone but aren't liked back are creepy assholes. I don't want to be, but I can't stop it.

But I honestly don't want to keep doing things this way. It's not fair. So many things about the rules put in place aren't fair, but it's so difficult to maintain. I'm so miserable. My mind keeps asking "Why?" and I keep having to remind myself that I'm not wanted. I don't want to have to dwell on that. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's not so complicated. But if I get it wrong, then they'll all hate me. They'll want me gone. I don't know. It's all so confusing. It seems unreasonable, but normal people have always been unreasonable to me.

Am I worrying too much?

 

[Arakasi]

This seems to me like a maladaptive pattern of cognition, and behaviour. There's a fallacy people often commit, wherein their patterns of adaption to stressful circumstances, end up making the circumstances worse.

For example, someone is worried about their underarms being sweaty, so they keep their arms close to their sides in order to hide the sweating, thus creating a hotter environment, and causing more sweating.

This applies to your situation too. The less you worry about doing something creepy, the less likely you are to be creepy. In your case, going through the wall rather than going past the girl would have likely been seen as more creepy, by virtue of being abnormal.

Of course, this whole argument is not to say that it is bad to be self-aware. If you are talking to someone and they are clearly uncomfortable, it is entirely logical to try find out why and avoid doing it again. But try not to imagine people being annoyed or 'creeped out' by anything you do, unless it is obvious that they are.

 

[renegade7]

Women don't consider eye contact creepy. It's polite, even expected in modern society. Now, a wide eyed, grim stare or repeatedly glancing at her breasts, that might make some women uncomfortable. But it sounds like you have a deeper underlying anxiety here, and it's not going to go away on its own.

If they don't already know you, then what makes you think they're judging you as creepy? Think of every stranger you've ever seen: did you make a snap judgment that the person was weird and dysfunctional and an all around creep? Probably not: so why would people make that assumption about you?

You need to learn to be more confident. You're right when you say that it's not likely that someone you like feels the ame way about you. I don't mean that in a harsh way, just that in a world with 3.5 billion women the odds that a majority of them will be attracted to you aren't particularly high. That doesn't mean that you're somehow "not allowed" to make eye contact or be near them. The only way to get over a phobia is to confront it head on. Expose yourself to more social situations and learn to talk to people.

As Arakasi mentioned, the more you try to avoid "creepiness", the creepier you're going to appear. Shuffling around, not making eye contact, avoiding people, watching their feet so you can avoid looking at their faces, and getting shaken up if they so much as look back at you, now those are things that certainly appear strange. So don't do them and learn to be more comfortable around people, and the only way to do that is to actually communicate with people.

 

[Doclector]

Women don't consider eye contact creepy. It's polite, even expected in modern society. Now, a wide eyed, grim stare or repeatedly glancing at her breasts, that might make some women uncomfortable. But it sounds like you have a deeper underlying anxiety here, and it's not going to go away on its own.

If they don't already know you, then what makes you think they're judging you as creepy? Think of every stranger you've ever seen: did you make a snap judgment that the person was weird and dysfunctional and an all around creep? Probably not: so why would people make that assumption about you?

Sounds clich'e, but I'm not like them. I don't want to "blame" things on it, but I was diagnosed with aspergers at an early age. I've always been trying to figure out the normal rules. It seemed like from what people say, if you don't get the rules right, they think you're creepy. Also, I'm a virgin, almost 23 years old. It seems like the further away from 18 that you lose your virginity, the more creepy you're considered to be. And the way people look at me I swear they think I'm creepy and want me to go away, before I've even said or done anything. Probably because I'm ugly.

I'm going to CBT to deal with some of my problems, but I still have to worry about getting the rules right.

You need to learn to be more confident. You're right when you say that it's not likely that someone you like feels the ame way about you. I don't mean that in a harsh way, just that in a world with 3.5 billion women the odds that a majority of them will be attracted to you aren't particularly high. That doesn't mean that you're somehow "not allowed" to make eye contact or be near them. The only way to get over a phobia is to confront it head on. Expose yourself to more social situations and learn to talk to people.

As Arakasi mentioned, the more you try to avoid "creepiness", the creepier you're going to appear. Shuffling around, not making eye contact, avoiding people, watching their feet so you can avoid looking at their faces, and getting shaken up if they so much as look back at you, now those are things that certainly appear strange. So don't do them and learn to be more comfortable around people, and the only way to do that is to actually communicate with people.

I do communicate with people. I do it well with people I know or people I end up spending a lot of time around. There's just so many rules and they're harsh if you get it wrong. Then can and will publicly shame you for getting it wrong, and nobody ever really forgets.

And I hate myself for feeling attracted to women, because everyone hates the guy who likes a woman, but she doesn't like him back. It's all over the place, everyone hates that guy. It isn't fair, but like I said, their rules are not fair, but what can I do about that? I just have to follow the rules, but my mind won't shut up. It's stupid, it still thinks I have a chance, I don't. I can barely manage to walk across the road without breaking the rules, let alone form a relationship, and that's assuming anyone could be attracted to me. I feel so guilty about these thoughts but I can't stop them.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

I don't really know what asperger's is like to have (I've always suspected I might have a very mild form of it, but I wouldn't want to self-diagnose) but by the sounds of things you're suffering from the same kind of things that I did/do, just a lot more extreme.

Try to relax a bit more- Listen to music or something, take your mind off of it. I understand the fear of coming across as creepy to strangers, but their opinions really, really don't matter- you may well never see them again, and even then, what gives them the right to look down on you? You're no worse than they are. Caring less will make you more relaxed, raise your self esteem, make you more confident and happier overall.

You don't need to feel bad for being attracted to women, you can't help it and everyone does it. It might be creepy if you were following them or something, but it would be naive to think that no one else feels attracted to people and you're only human for having those thoughts (regardless of how attractive you may be)

Basically yes- you are worrying too much. Much too much. Just do what you're happy doing and sod everyone else.

 

[BitterLemon]

Have you ever heard the term "spotlight effect"? It's a term for the feeling of beign the center of attention when surrounded by people, we always have this feeling. It's stronger for some and can cause a lot of stress, but the truth is that most of the time, no one is paying attention to us. Think about it: when you're in a crowded place, like a subway train, how much people you're capable of observe at the same time? How much time a stranger doing nothing can hold your attention? You can remember their faces 15 minutes later? When you're there, how much time do you spend thinking about your own problems, unaware of your surroundings?

If you do the math, you'll realize the chances that someone is watching you are small and even if they really are, they'll probably won't think about you much more than 10 seconds before turning their attention to something else.

About beign creepy, well... people have very different standards, there's no universal code of behavior. You won't be able to be considered normal by everyone and never should aim for that. Where I work, I don't have any dressing code, so I'm always unshaven, wearing whatever makes me more confortable, using sneackers... uptight people look down on me in the street, probably thinking I'm a jobless hobo. Other people look at me thinking that I'm a cool, relaxed guy. You gotta decide what kind of people you want to be and stick to your values.

And liking someone and not beign liked back is not creepy. Why do you think that, what you've heard that made you feel like that?

 

[Phasmal]

I think you are overly concerned by it. While you are going around wondering what everyone is thinking of you, they are probably going around wondering what everyone else thinks of them. People are always more concerned with themselves.

But you really shouldn't assume you know what a person is thinking of you.
You aren't creepy for liking someone. It's unfortunate when you like someone and they don't like you, but it's completely down to how you handle it.

 

[Doclector]

And liking someone and not beign liked back is not creepy. Why do you think that, what you've heard that made you feel like that?

Everyone says. I overhear people say it a lot. People on here say it a lot. Everyone seems to hate it in general when you're bad at attracting people. They laugh at people who are bad at relationships.

And I know that if a girl I liked (who didn't like me, which is likely) knew I liked her she'd be disgusted at me. It's unwanted affection, simply put. It feels selfish to allow myself to feel that when I know so few, maybe even nobody at all, would feel the same way about me. Nobody's ever felt that way about me, and other people have people feel that way about them all the time. It seems illogical to think that somebody would now. Especially as the older I get without losing my virginity, the more looked down upon I am.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

And liking someone and not beign liked back is not creepy. Why do you think that, what you've heard that made you feel like that?

Everyone says. I overhear people say it a lot. People on here say it a lot. Everyone seems to hate it in general when you're bad at attracting people. They laugh at people who are bad at relationships.

And I know that if a girl I liked (who didn't like me, which is likely) knew I liked her she'd be disgusted at me. It's unwanted affection, simply put. It feels selfish to allow myself to feel that when I know so few, maybe even nobody at all, would feel the same way about me. Nobody's ever felt that way about me, and other people have people feel that way about them all the time. It seems illogical to think that somebody would now. Especially as the older I get without losing my virginity, the more looked down upon I am.

Have you looked into finding an aspergers support group? It might really help you to realize that you are not alone, and not much different than others that deal with the same things you do. Maybe you can find an online group, or local group? It seems to really help people adjust when you are around people dealing with the same issues you are, because they actually understand how you feel and have similar experiences. Also if your local group isn't very good, look online, most with aspergers feel more at ease online than they do in person and you are more likely to find people you have common interests with there.

I know that sounds like an infomercial or something, but the reason I suggested this is because a friends of mines little sister who has aspergers but was not diagnosed as a child and did not know until she was in her 20's. Well she went to a a support group and met the man she married there, so stranger things can happen. I think it really helps to realize that these things are normal for people who share the same issues and you are not alone.

 

[BitterLemon]

And liking someone and not beign liked back is not creepy. Why do you think that, what you've heard that made you feel like that?

Everyone says. I overhear people say it a lot. People on here say it a lot. Everyone seems to hate it in general when you're bad at attracting people. They laugh at people who are bad at relationships.

And I know that if a girl I liked (who didn't like me, which is likely) knew I liked her she'd be disgusted at me. It's unwanted affection, simply put. It feels selfish to allow myself to feel that when I know so few, maybe even nobody at all, would feel the same way about me. Nobody's ever felt that way about me, and other people have people feel that way about them all the time. It seems illogical to think that somebody would now. Especially as the older I get without losing my virginity, the more looked down upon I am.

There's no way of knowing how people will react if they realize that you like them, you can't be so deterministic. There's lots of people who feel at least a bit flattered when they discover that someone likes them, even if they don't feel the same. Sometimes people may act weirdly not because they think you're a freak, but because it's hard to tell someone that you don't like them the same way. Most adults have been rejected by someone in their life, so they know how it sucks... that doesn't mean that everybody knows how the handle the situation of rejecting someone. It doesn't mean that they hate you either... people are not so black and white.

You gotta consider that your self-esteem will drastically change your perception too. Interpreting signals from others is not a exact science and a negative mindset will skew what you consider a flirting glance or a judging stare. Your stance will affect how people view you either. If you're always acting like a freightened cat, it will be difficult for people to aproach you.

Just an example... I work with a girl that's massive shy. I believe she has some kind of anxiety problem. She's very nice, but I have a hard time talking to her, just because she seems absolutely frightened when I aproach her. It's hard to keep a conversation because it seems like I'm making her feel physically bad and that she's urging to get away. I want to know her better, but I don't know if she likes me and is anxious or if she hates me.

The situation that you faced in the shop, avoiding the girl in the aisle. Have you thought that the way you behaved made her think that you hate her and that's you who didn't want her in your personal space? Try to be conscious of how people may perceive your avoidance.

I don't have aspenger, but I'm very shy and I suffer from anxiety issues and had a similiar way of thinking when I was young. I know it sounds like self help stuff, but changing my avoidant stance changed my life a lot. I takes training, but it's possible.

 

[Flutterguy]

Everyone on the planet is a nervous wreck.

With time and practice things become easier, and will no longer make you nervous, that simply cannot be done with everything in one lifetime.

To not be nervous requires being cocky, psychopathic, or too stupid to understand consequence.

 

[alliesabri]

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but as a young, attractive female (sounds conceited, but that's what I'm told), I can honestly say that I don't think about it. You're are almost definitely over-thinking it. The only people that I've ever disliked or thought were creepy were those who consistently were outwardly disrespectful, or those who pursued me with frequent messages after I'd told them I did not want to speak to them. Anything less than that and I hardly think about it. If a man passes me in the supermarket (no matter his age or appearance) and smiles at me, I think 'how nice' and smile back.
So I'd say you are undoubtably over-thinking it. You would have to do something far more obvious or forward for a person to think that. (Like consistently messaging me for 4 months despite receiving no reply).

Try to relax a little - I know it's easier said than done, but you should consider talking to someone about your social anxiety so you can feel better about it and be happier,