An Apology

[Soushi]

This is a single page short story. I implore you to read it, as i wrote it for you.

?We wish to say that we are sorry.?
?For those of you who weren?t paying attention just now, for those of you just joining us now, we?d just like to start this whole process by saying that we are very very very sorry. And this isn?t some regular apology, but an all encompassing apology, an apology for everything that has happened to you, and everything that will happen to you. It?s not like we think that everything can be solved with just one little apology, but we thought we should try.
?We just want you to know how very very sorry we are, and that we researched really really hard to make this apology as professional and comforting as it can be. In fact, if it weren?t for the fact that we were showing sorrow, we would be proud of this beautifully crafted and masterful apology. So, once more, just in case you missed it before, we are very very sorry.?
?We sacrificed a lot, not any more than we absolutely had to of course, but they still fought against us. So, just so you know, we didn?t want to create all of this. We didn?t want to build you like this, we didn?t want to manipulate you, we didn?t want to have to mould and change you, but there you go; it wasn?t our fault. But we still think we should apologize, so we will.?
?Of course, they?ll tell you they are sorry as well. They said they were sorry before everything started, before anyone was killed they would ask for forgiveness. Before they let loose their weapons, the ones that made things like this, they asked for forgiveness from the world, from god, from nature and from their own people. Of course, they didn?t mean it when they said they were sorry, so you don?t have to forgive them.?
?So, the other ones started this whole thing, they used weapons of fire, and of silence and sickness, of burning light and of merciless machines. Of course, we would never use weapons like that, they say we did, but we wouldn?t even think of it. Of course, there is a margin of error; it is possible that someone who might have been connected to us in one way or another may have, at one point, used a weapon or two. However, if they did use weapons in our names, and by that effect, your names, rest assured that they are very sorry about it.?
?I am sure you are all very confused, and I am sorry about that as well. Please allow me to explain the situation. Of course, as you know, you are waking up for the first time, so all of this is very new. The whole knowledge of the human race is present within you. It took us many long years of painstaking research to prepare a selection of the important data for you, data that will allow you to understand what we are doing and why we must continue doing what we are doing.?
?Now that you are waking up for the first time, we would like to assure you that everything that could be done has been done. The only choice remaining, of course, is to fight. We are fully aware that this is not the world you expected to wake up in, but as you know, it wasn?t our fault. Please understand that our fight, your fight, truly is worth fighting. We ask, only for your forgiveness and for you to avenge this, your land and honour. We ask you to take up the fight now, and win.?
?Once again, we wish to extend our sincere apologies.?
?Now carry out your orders.?


I am an aspiring writer and t his is the first short story i have written (not the first story, but the first one under 100 pages).
What i really want to know, is what images this story called up in your head? What was the voice like? Was it a computer, a person? Who were they talking to? Soldiers? Machines? What was the background like, what is the world like, any thoughts about what kind of universe these individuals who are being apologized to are coming into.
But, i am happy with any and all feedback.
Thank you for your time.

Proceed with ripping this thing apart. Okay.... GO!

 

[Je Suis Ubermonkey]

Cannot... stop reading... in Gman's voice... taking forever.
I'm thinking they've created a super soldier after WWIII.

Also, try putting more polysyllabic lexis into it to fit with the formality and give the last sentence more impact. : )

"We sacrificed a lot, not any more than we absolutely had to of course, but they still fought against us. So, just so you know, we didn?t want to create all of this. We didn?t want to build you like this, we didn?t want to manipulate you, we didn?t want to have to mould and change you, but there you go; it wasn?t our fault. But we still think we should apologize, so we will.?
?Of course, they?ll tell you they are sorry as well. They said they were sorry before everything started, before anyone was killed they would ask for forgiveness. Before they let loose their weapons, the ones that made things like this, they asked for forgiveness from the world, from god, from nature and from their own people. Of course, they didn?t mean it when they said they were sorry, so you don?t have to forgive them.?
?So, the other ones started this whole thing, they used weapons of fire, and of silence and sickness, of burning light and of merciless machines. Of course, we would never use weapons like that, they say we did, but we wouldn?t even think of it. Of course, there is a margin of error; it is possible that someone who might have been connected to us in one way or another may have, at one point, used a weapon or two. However, if they did use weapons in our names, and by that effect, your names, rest assured that they are very sorry about it.?
?I am sure you are all very confused, and I am sorry about that as well. Please allow me to explain the situation. Of course, as you know, you are waking up for the first time, so all of this is very new. The whole knowledge of the human race is present within you. It took us many long years of painstaking research to prepare a selection of the important data for you, data that will allow you to understand what we are doing and why we must continue doing what we are doing.?
?Now that you are waking up for the first time, we would like to assure you that everything that could be done has been done. The only choice remaining, of course, is to fight.

"Of course" seems somewhat overused, which makes one sentence feel very like the previous. Considering how similar they are anyway, you don't want that. Try to mix it up with "naturally" or simply take some out.

 

[Zyst]

It felt like a robot entity with no clue of how human emotions work outside of a lab setting trying to manipulate me into thinking it was actually sorry, when it couldn't really give less of a shit.

 

[Soushi]

Apology accepted.

[sub]Though I do feel like I deserve another apology for reading that apology but I do not want to be here all night.[/sub]

Edit: Fine. So as not to be an ass I guess I better add something instead of just cracking wise.

Spoiler: Since I prefer the harsh but fair approach.

What did I think of? Who did I think it was about? Honestly. I stopped caring. It was so poorly worded and nothing was explained that I kinda tuned out like 1/4 way through. I just ended up reading it as a blur or sentences that try to cram the word "sorry" or "apologise" into every single line.

Sorry chap.

No need to apologize, all feedback is welcome, even critisicm (so long as it is constructive). To be honest, it was kinda worded that way on purpose, it was supposed to seem like some kind of politcal speech, or something spat out by a computer. Anything but subtle and anything but apologetic. And the whole non explaining thing was an element of the type of story, it is supposed to be up to the reader. Still, i guess i have some work to do. Any suggestions for how i can improve my "poor wording?"

 

[Mr Binary]

Wow. I have to say that was an amazing story, just thinking about it.... Everyone would get their own perspective on who is speaking and to whom they are speaking. To answer your post story questions. I imagined this being a government official notice playing on some old dusty TV to the populace, however few, in a post-apocalyptic world torn apart by the hands of humanity's weapons. Amazing story, I love it.

 

[Soushi]

It felt like a robot entity with no clue of how human emotions work outside of a lab setting trying to manipulate me into thinking it was actually sorry, when it couldn't really give less of a shit.

When i was writing it, i got Glados's voice in my head.

 

[kane.malakos]

Personally, I pictured a large screen in a public place with some sort of symbol on it. Very cold, bureaucratic and impersonal. Very 1984, actually.

 

[Astoria]

Sorry but that was just too long. Using less good words is much more interesting than a lot of average words. You also need to jump right into it rather than building it up. It is an interesting idea though, you just need to find a better way of expressing it.

 

[HapexIndustries]

Spoiler: This is pretty long but it's not meant to be cruel. And it's just an opinion, the opinion of an elitist prick that thinks the things he likes are the best things in the whole world.

Well, I wouldn't give up, but I wouldn't be satisfied yet either. The entire thing reads like the intro to a shooter like Bulletstorm, or a mediocre comic book (I can't think of an example). I suppose my imagination DID fill in the blanks that you're interested in knowing about, but to be honest I don't know how much credit you should take for that. If your goal was to be as vague as possible then well done. I assume that was part of your aim, and to, in doing so, evoke a faceless, Big Brother-esque government. I guess that succeeded as well.

The issue, really, is that it lacks any personality whatsoever. For me it is a mellow, semi-computerized voice (a la Kevin Spacey in Moon as the robot helper) and being spoken to naked person in a warm, white, glowing cubic-rectangular space. The world sounded like any other relatively advanced scifi culture. Tooooooooo generic. Unless that was your goal and you're pulling some meta thing on me that I'm not getting...

What you have here is the skeleton on which to hang the real story. The little touches in the dialog that give it personality and life, even if it's intentional double speak and obvious bureaucratic lying. References to things that make us wonder "wait, wtf, what happened there? That sounds horrible." I think that's what you want it to do, but it's not there yet.

And lastly... I don't know that you can reeeeeeally call this a short story. I mean, it's certainly the beginning to a story, or a prologue to a larger story, but it doesn't quite get me. The "reveal" at the end isn't much of a reveal because you kind of assume some shit is gonna happen like this. You don't make the reveal surprising enough, and that doesn't mean you have to change the reveal, but you should obfuscate the situation more. Discuss how peaceful your people are, your utter revulsion to violence and war, the philosophical opposition to the very idea. An apology doesn't really imply enough seeing as it is so clearly and blatantly a lie.

Of course, I ASSUME it's a lie. In my head I immediately assumed it was bullshit government talk, and I think so will anyone else. A REAL apology is more personal and can not be read as a blanket statement, as this one is.

So, again, it's certainly not a failure but should not be considered the end of the journey either. There is a foundation that you can build something special on, and for a first attempt this is pretty good; I've read a lot worse. A LOT worse. Shit, some of it I paid for (hi comics). Writing is hard work, though, and making something amazing won't happen on its own.

 

[Soushi]

Cannot... stop reading... in Gman's voice... taking forever.
I'm thinking they've created a super soldier after WWIII.

Also, try putting more polysyllabic lexis into it to fit with the formality and give the last sentence more impact. : )

"We sacrificed a lot, not any more than we absolutely had to of course, but they still fought against us. So, just so you know, we didn?t want to create all of this. We didn?t want to build you like this, we didn?t want to manipulate you, we didn?t want to have to mould and change you, but there you go; it wasn?t our fault. But we still think we should apologize, so we will.?
?Of course, they?ll tell you they are sorry as well. They said they were sorry before everything started, before anyone was killed they would ask for forgiveness. Before they let loose their weapons, the ones that made things like this, they asked for forgiveness from the world, from god, from nature and from their own people. Of course, they didn?t mean it when they said they were sorry, so you don?t have to forgive them.?
?So, the other ones started this whole thing, they used weapons of fire, and of silence and sickness, of burning light and of merciless machines. Of course, we would never use weapons like that, they say we did, but we wouldn?t even think of it. Of course, there is a margin of error; it is possible that someone who might have been connected to us in one way or another may have, at one point, used a weapon or two. However, if they did use weapons in our names, and by that effect, your names, rest assured that they are very sorry about it.?
?I am sure you are all very confused, and I am sorry about that as well. Please allow me to explain the situation. Of course, as you know, you are waking up for the first time, so all of this is very new. The whole knowledge of the human race is present within you. It took us many long years of painstaking research to prepare a selection of the important data for you, data that will allow you to understand what we are doing and why we must continue doing what we are doing.?
?Now that you are waking up for the first time, we would like to assure you that everything that could be done has been done. The only choice remaining, of course, is to fight.

"Of course" seems somewhat overused, which makes one sentence feel very like the previous. Considering how similar they are anyway, you don't want that. Try to mix it up with "naturally" or simply take some out.

good point. I tend to do that in my writing. thank you for pointing that out for me and for your suggestion *turns to word document to fix it*

 

[moretimethansense]

I imagined it as a recording being played to an enhaced individual being awakened from cold sleep to a war torn wasteland, is tyhat what you were going for or am I just weird?

 

[deleted_by_strongbad]

I read too much sci-fi and whacked out conspiracy theory, so the first thing I thought was aliens. Sort of Zechariah Sitchin style where there were two races, one or both may be responsible for our creation and now as the time is coming for climax this is one of them vying for our allegiance/help.

Now for criticism: It seems a little sloppy, with the constant repetition, complete lack of transitions, synonyms, and largely lacking of structure. That can be maintained to a point if that effect was desired, but in this way it is going to get most people to stop reading. I wish I had some suggestions on how to correct it WHILE maintaining the sense of unfamiliarity with the language, but I am not a good enough writer to have a clue . Maybe try writing the same story as someone who is familiar with the language so it is smooth, but then have someone who kind of knows english as a second language rewrite it? EDIT: Or write it in fluid language, put it into google translate a few times shifting it through 3 or 4 different languages and then back to english, that has a way of messing with syntax to make it very awkward, but maybe still readable. That may also be a total bust because it may just butcher it beyond recognition, might be a fun experiment though.

Also, if you are trying to be ambiguous with the details, I think you are letting too many slip so instead it doesn't seem vague but just more obtuse.

To give better criticism I think I would need to know the perspective of the voice, I apologize.

 

[Freechoice]

You need some perspective to break up the words. Someone needs to perceive it or something else needs to be going on so that it's not an incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no one has a chance to interrupt.

Quite contrary to popular belief, it is really quite not hypnotic.

 

[Soushi]

I read too much sci-fi and whacked out conspiracy theory, so the first thing I thought was aliens. Sort of Zechariah Sitchin style where there were two races, one or both may be responsible for our creation and now as the time is coming for climax this is one of them vying for out allegiance/help.

Now for criticism: It seems a little sloppy, with the constant repetition, complete lack of transitions, synonyms, and largely lacking of structure. That can be maintained to a point if that effect was desired, but in this way it is going to get most people to stop reading. I wish I had some suggestions on how to correct it WHILE maintaining the sense of unfamiliarity with the language, but I am not a good enough writer to have a clue . Maybe try writing the same story as someone who is familiar with the language so it is smooth, but then have someone who kind of knows english as a second language rewrite it?

Also, if you are trying to be ambiguous with the details, I think you are letting too many slip so instead it doesn't seem vague but just more obtuse.

To give better criticism I think I would need to know the perspective of the voice, I apologize.

I am remided of somehting Yahtzee said in his review of Borderlands "I think this character has been intentionally designed to be annoying, in which case the developers should be congratulated for doing thier job so well, and tactfully reminded that deliberatly annoying is still annoying."
As it would seem that this critiscim is poppoing up quiet frequently, perhaps i should consider taking some tweezers to the mechanics of the story. Thank you for your input

 

[deleted_by_strongbad]

Not to double post, but yeah don't overdo the google translate, maybe just try one language shift.

This is your post, word for word, translated from english to:
Galician then Yiddish then Hindi then back to English, it is kind of funny because it comes out as more of a confession than an apology:

"We say we are sorry."
"For those of you who care are no longer around, he just now joining us, but as a whole want to start the process, saying that we are very very sad. and a regular excuse, but to shed an application that included an apology for what happened to her all and everything that you think something we all be solved with only a few apologies can be, but we feel that we should try. will.
"We just you, want to know where we are very bad and very, very difficult to research as a professional and confident as it can be to actually make an apology, the fact that we show are not used for depression., we would be proud of this excuse very good power and good. Then, again, just in case you missed before, we very, very sorry. "
"Do we sacrifice a lot, any more than we did of course, but also the fight against us., Just so you know, we do not make it. We do not build it well, we did not want to touch, not to make it friendly and want to change, but there you go, it's not our fault, but I still think you're sorry, you should come ..
"Of course I think they feel very good point that they said they repent. Shall, before it starts, before he killed someone would ask for forgiveness. This is the first release his arms; that the way things are done, they world, apologized to God, nature and his own people obviously. had meant when he said he was sorry, you do not have to give them not. "
This and other whole thing started, they used firearms, and silence, and illness and the relentless machinery of the burning light of course. I would not use such weapons, they say that they have, but we also I think clearly that there is a margin of error is one that can be added a way for us or you are may at some point one or two guns can be used, but .. Weapons they used our name and purpose, their names, make sure you are very sad about it. "
"I'm sure it's all very confusing, and I'm sorry about that too .. let me explain the situation, of course, as you know, before whacking, it's all very new race all knowledge. it it. took years of careful research important to you, data, data that you understand what we are and what we must continue to why we're doing will allow choose to prepare. "
"Now he's whacking for the first time, we have to assure you that everything can be done is definitely the only remaining option.'ll Have to fight we are fully aware that the world to wake up do not wait. themselves, but as you know is not our fault. Please understand that our fight, our fight really worth processing. We only ask for forgiveness and for the success of our country and respect the take action now. and win. "
"Again, we extend our sincere apologies."
"Now execute your order."

 

[Soushi]

You need some perspective to break up the words. Someone needs to perceive it or something else needs to be going on so that it's not an incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no one has a chance to interrupt.

Quite contrary to popular belief, it is really quite not hypnotic.

despite your critisicm sir *sticks out tongue* i bestow upon you a cookie for the reference.
I would argue, however, that the whole point is that it is supposed to be a long unborken apology. It is kinda supposed to be like something that was thrown together by commitee, or by a computer, the other elements of the story, the hints at what is happening outside, are supposed to make up for that and keep it interesting.
Then again,, it would appear, as i have said, that this is a rather common complaint, so maybe some editting is in the cards for the ol' girl.

 

[Soushi]

Not to double post, but yeah don't overdo the google translate, maybe just try one language shift.

This is your post, word for word, translated from english to:
Galician then Yiddish then Hindi then back to English, it is kind of funny because it comes out as more of a confession than an apology:

"We say we are sorry."
"For those of you who care are no longer around, he just now joining us, but as a whole want to start the process, saying that we are very very sad. and a regular excuse, but to shed an application that included an apology for what happened to her all and everything that you think something we all be solved with only a few apologies can be, but we feel that we should try. will.
"We just you, want to know where we are very bad and very, very difficult to research as a professional and confident as it can be to actually make an apology, the fact that we show are not used for depression., we would be proud of this excuse very good power and good. Then, again, just in case you missed before, we very, very sorry. "
"Do we sacrifice a lot, any more than we did of course, but also the fight against us., Just so you know, we do not make it. We do not build it well, we did not want to touch, not to make it friendly and want to change, but there you go, it's not our fault, but I still think you're sorry, you should come ..
"Of course I think they feel very good point that they said they repent. Shall, before it starts, before he killed someone would ask for forgiveness. This is the first release his arms; that the way things are done, they world, apologized to God, nature and his own people obviously. had meant when he said he was sorry, you do not have to give them not. "
This and other whole thing started, they used firearms, and silence, and illness and the relentless machinery of the burning light of course. I would not use such weapons, they say that they have, but we also I think clearly that there is a margin of error is one that can be added a way for us or you are may at some point one or two guns can be used, but .. Weapons they used our name and purpose, their names, make sure you are very sad about it. "
"I'm sure it's all very confusing, and I'm sorry about that too .. let me explain the situation, of course, as you know, before whacking, it's all very new race all knowledge. it it. took years of careful research important to you, data, data that you understand what we are and what we must continue to why we're doing will allow choose to prepare. "
"Now he's whacking for the first time, we have to assure you that everything can be done is definitely the only remaining option.'ll Have to fight we are fully aware that the world to wake up do not wait. themselves, but as you know is not our fault. Please understand that our fight, our fight really worth processing. We only ask for forgiveness and for the success of our country and respect the take action now. and win. "
"Again, we extend our sincere apologies."
"Now execute your order."

Sorry to ask, i appreciate the effort, but.... why are you doing this again? Don't get me wrong, i am rather intruiged at how this changed, but i am not sure i understand ze porpoise.

 

[Freechoice]

You need some perspective to break up the words. Someone needs to perceive it or something else needs to be going on so that it's not an incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no one has a chance to interrupt.

Quite contrary to popular belief, it is really quite not hypnotic.

despite your critisicm sir *sticks out tongue* i bestow upon you a cookie for the reference.
I would argue, however, that the whole point is that it is supposed to be a long unborken apology. It is kinda supposed to be like something that was thrown together by commitee, or by a computer, the other elements of the story, the hints at what is happening outside, are supposed to make up for that and keep it interesting.
Then again,, it would appear, as i have said, that this is a rather common complaint, so maybe some editting is in the cards for the ol' girl.

Use the blank or disturbed faces of the crowd to break up the narrative. It can still feel like it's cold and recited by Microsoft Sam without it being a pain to read.

 

[The SettingSun]

I actually really liked it. The wording was a little poor but that'll come with more practice. I imagined that I was in a hospital bed/operating table and some sort of God or something was talking to me. At first I thought it was saying that the human race was a mistake and he was sorry for it. The voice i heard was a mans voice talking in a concerned voice. At the end my interpretation was that somebody had died as a human but had woken up for the first time in the real world where there was a fight going on between two things and humans were being used as a weapon or something like that.

 

[BonsaiK]

This is a single page short story. I implore you to read it, as i wrote it for you.

Proceed with ripping this thing apart. Okay.... GO!

I'll ignore grammar, issues of repetition and just focus on your idea conceptually.

It could potentially work well in a story, but not as an introduction, and certainly not as the entire story itself. It might be good just before the final climax of a very long story, coming in right near the end. However, in this case, because the story has only just begun, I have no emotional investment in regard to whom is sorry over what, so as I read about someone being very sorry, I don't really care. You need to create that emotional investment in the situation first, before you bring something like this in, otherwise it's not going to have any impact. I want to know the setting, the characters, what actually happened, who is sorry and why, how true their version of events is compared to what actually transpired in the eyes of the people it affected - right now I know none of this, and because of that, there's a huge barrier between me and the story itself. As a writer your task (if you choose to accept it) is to tear down that barrier so I feel connected to what's happening. Good luck!