An issue

[Booze Zombie]

Hey there Escapist users, as you may've guessed by the title, I've got an issue.

What issue is there that could plague a 22 year old man in education? Well, I'll tell you. I got a crush on a girl, I asked her out and she said she wasn't interested in me (I slightly doubt that, but that's another issue) and you'd think that'd be the end of it, right?

Well, it seems my mind has decided to keep on thinking she's very special and not only that, I talk to an extreme amount around her and her alone... I ask her about her life, everything about her, her day.

It might be possible to call me obsessed... I don't know. But I do know one thing, I want to just cool down and be myself around, I want to stop motormouthing and just... be cool, but I don't know why I'm motormouthing. I've been around attractive girls (I'm in a college, it happens) and not acted like this. 'Course, I wasn't attracted to anyone of them, but I don't get it.

Has anyone else had this problem? Can you help me figure out how I can help myself?
I've never had this issue before, so I'm somewhat confused. It perhaps might be worth noting that this is the first person I've truly felt... this sort of attraction towards.

Probably explains a lot.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Why do you doubt that she isn't interested in you? I believe that is necessary information for us to have before we can advise you on how to proceed.

 

[Vault101]

sooooo

you like this girl?

but you cant quite "get over" her? I guess thats understandable

at least your not complaing about being "freind zoned" lets not go there

 

[Booze Zombie]

Why do you doubt that she isn't interested in you? I believe that is necessary information for us to have before we can advise you on how to proceed.

Well... a lot of people have said we're equally flirty with each other and yeah, there's subtle hints and this sense that she's so busy enjoying the idea of her dream boy that she's embarassed to admit she'd be attracted to someone as plain as myself.

sooooo

you like this girl?

but you cant quite "get over" her? I guess thats understandable

at least your not complaing about being "freind zoned" lets not go there

Indeed, that's the rather... cleverly terse way of putting it. I don't think I'd complain about being friend zoned, as you need to be mates with someone before you can be mates with them.

 

[targren]

Well... a lot of people have said we're equally flirty with each other and yeah, there's subtle hints and this sense that she's so busy enjoying the idea of her dream boy that she's embarassed to admit she'd be attracted to someone as plain as myself.

Not to be a buzzkill, but explicitly stating "I'm not interested in you" trumps the hell out of "subtle hints and flirting."

 

[Booze Zombie]

Not to be a buzzkill, but explicitly stating "I'm not interested in you" trumps the hell out of "subtle hints and flirting."

Well there is always hope, no matter how small. But you are right, though I do get this feeling of sexual tension. I suppose I'll have to see in the end.

 

[Lucem712]

SNIP

Off-Topic, I love your user-name.

On-Topic, I would suggest duct-tape or perhaps clear tape if you have facial hair.

I guess the only way to cool your boosters around her, is to get comfortable with her. No real way to do that unless you can take valium or just spend a fair amount of time with her. Hopefully after an extended time she can realize what a cool dude you are.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Why do you doubt that she isn't interested in you? I believe that is necessary information for us to have before we can advise you on how to proceed.

Well... a lot of people have said we're equally flirty with each other and yeah, there's subtle hints and this sense that she's so busy enjoying the idea of her dream boy that she's embarassed to admit she'd be attracted to someone as plain as myself.

It's very likely that you and these other people are simply misreading the signs. She probably really does just like you as a friend. I think accepting this is the first step to being able to talk to her normally.

 

[Booze Zombie]

SNIP

Off-Topic, I love your user-name.

On-Topic, I would suggest duct-tape or perhaps clear tape if you have facial hair.

I guess the only way to cool your boosters around her, is to get comfortable with her. No real way to do that unless you can take valium or just spend a fair amount of time with her. Hopefully after an extended time she can realize what a cool dude you are.

Cheers, man. I quite like my name, also!

Well, I thought I'd get comfortable with her real quick when she said she didn't do small talk, but she's still a perputal mystery. I still feel like I don't know her or her motivations despite talking to her 3 times weekly for about 3 months.

Perhaps I want too much or perhaps I've found someone with very unique responses who is very good at being mysterious? I do know she desires to be mysterious.

It's very likely that you and these other people are simply misreading the signs. She probably really does just like you as a friend. I think accepting this is the first step to being able to talk to her normally.

I think you're right. The perpetual air of mystery doesn't help with interacting with her, but I am the only one who seems to be bothered by it.

 

[Lucem712]

Cheers, man. I quite like my name, also!

Well, I thought I'd get comfortable with her real quick when she said she didn't do small talk, but she's still a perputal mystery. I still feel like I don't know her or her motivations despite talking to her 3 times weekly for about 3 months.

Perhaps I want too much or perhaps I've found someone with very unique responses who is very good at being mysterious? I do know she desires to be mysterious.

I think it's fine being into someone as long as you don't hit the 'Stalker' level. Do you two have a-lot in common or are there constant awkward pauses, sometimes having mutual mates around can help defuse the awkwardness and help establish friendships.

And, if she doesn't like ya, well that sucks but if so, you could just become good mates and maybe someday she'll feel mutual.

 

[Booze Zombie]

I think it's fine being into someone as long as you don't hit the 'Stalker' level. Do you two have a-lot in common or are there constant awkward pauses, sometimes having mutual mates around can help defuse the awkwardness and help establish friendships.

And, if she doesn't like ya, well that sucks but if so, you could just become good mates and maybe someday she'll feel mutual.

That's the thing... we're quite a like. But she's explained that she'd hate someone exactly like herself because she doesn't really find herself very likeable.

There are some awkward pauses, but that's due to how both of us talk. I'm a confirmed Asperger's Syndrome man and she reckons she's got it, too, so we're always talking and laughing... I just seem to get too intense and she's not always in the mood for my intensity and the issue is I'm only intense around her.

 

[Sightless Wisdom]

That's just how it is man. Brains are bad at dealing with hormonal interference. I had the same problem with my ex girlfriend, every time I was around her I suddenly forgot how to act like myself and either went silent or sad things that I wouldn't usually and didn't really lead anywhere. Eventually it stops or one of you moves on.

 

[McMullen]

I'm sorry, but I don't think it's going to end the way you would like it to. It's not the end of the world, but by hanging on like this you'll make it a lot worse than it has to be.

The best thing you can do is consider, seriously, if you are comfortable with knowing her as just a friend. If yes, then great, be a friend but don't expect anything more than that.

Seriously, don't. If you find yourself waiting for her to change her mind, then you're not really comfortable with being just a friend, and are running the risk of being creepy.

If you're not satisfied with just being her friend, then come to terms with the fact that it's very unlikely that she'll ever change her mind, and move on. You don't have to ignore her or stop meeting her or anything, but just reduce the time and effort that you invest in the friendship. You'll each go your separate ways eventually.

In the meantime, whatever you decide, look for relationships elsewhere. Don't waste your time wishing or hoping that she changes her mind. Trust me, there will be others, no matter how convinced you might be that she's The One. You're 22, and provided you stay socially active you will find many other people to get a crush on.

If you're that nervous around her, I don't expect a normal friendship is going to be possible, and I'd recommend against pursuing one. I really think you'd just be wasting your time.

I wish I could give you better news but real life romance doesn't work like it does in the movies. Sorry, friend. I wish you better luck in the future.

 

[requisitename]

I think McMullen here gives good advice.

I would add that what a lot of people register as "sexual tension".. isn't. I've had the opposite sex think that when all the hell I was trying to do was not be an asshole. And even if you do feel it, if she doesn't, then you're really bordering on being creepy here. If she says she's not interested, that means she's not interested. You don't get to "doubt" that, really. If (as you seem to suspect) she's playing a game, that's going to be her problem, but you have to respect her voiced lack of interest.

 

[McMullen]

I think McMullen here gives good advice.

Thanks!

I would add that what a lot of people register as "sexual tension".. isn't. I've had the opposite sex think that when all the hell I was trying to do was not be an asshole. And even if you do feel it, if she doesn't, then you're really bordering on being creepy here. If she says she's not interested, that means she's not interested. You don't get to "doubt" that, really. If (as you seem to suspect) she's playing a game, that's going to be her problem, but you have to respect her voiced lack of interest.

This. Please don't let the fictional trope that there's some kind of game going on here convince you to persist. Movies are terrible at being a source of information. If they are so bad at portraying science, combat, law, and philosophy, then they certainly shouldn't be trusted with something as complicated as romantic relationships.

 

[Booze Zombie]

Thanks for your help there, guys. A lot of stuff makes more sense to me now.

I've decided that, true or not, I'm simply gonna do this: This is a platonic love I've confused with a romantic attraction. I can work with that.

 

[Booze Zombie]

You are self described as 'obsessed' over a girl who has flat out turned you down. You claim to have a problem 'over-talking' (not shutting up) when around her, and you don't what to do? I suggest showing some self control. You say you want to 'be cool' which is pretty much implying you don't want to be yourself, you want to be something that you think she wants you to be...

I suggest therapy on a professional level, not asking the internets for self help advice. If you really think you have an 'issue', I would hazard to guess you know what your problem is, but are looking for confirmation for or against what you already know. The bottom line is: You tried, she denied, you want justification to keep on tryin.

My two cents: The internet doesn't know your exact circumstances no matter how much you explain. We will only get your side of the equation. You will listen to the posts that side with what you already thought of, before making this thread.

My advice: There are plenty of fish in the sea. If this one didn't bite, keep on keepin on. Obsessing over it isn't healthy or attractive.

It's not really in my best interest to side with only the posts which promote my view and honestly... I don't reckon a lot of people have posted in such a way.

If I wished to keep on trying, I would've pushed. I'd just wished to hold onto some faint hope that maybe one day, I don't know... something different would happen.
But it doesn't appear to be very healthy to do that... so, maybe it'll change, maybe it won't, but I suppose so long as I stop thinking about it and just let life happen it'll go fine.

Thanks for your input, but you do appear to be presuming a lot about me there. I suppose that's the curse of the internet though and I can't really hold it against you.

 

[derelict]

Hey there Escapist users, as you may've guessed by the title, I've got an issue.

What issue is there that could plague a 22 year old man in education? Well, I'll tell you. I got a crush on a girl, I asked her out and she said she wasn't interested in me (I slightly doubt that, but that's another issue) and you'd think that'd be the end of it, right?

Well, it seems my mind has decided to keep on thinking she's very special and not only that, I talk to an extreme amount around her and her alone... I ask her about her life, everything about her, her day.

It might be possible to call me obsessed... I don't know. But I do know one thing, I want to just cool down and be myself around, I want to stop motormouthing and just... be cool, but I don't know why I'm motormouthing. I've been around attractive girls (I'm in a college, it happens) and not acted like this. 'Course, I wasn't attracted to anyone of them, but I don't get it.

Has anyone else had this problem? Can you help me figure out how I can help myself?
I've never had this issue before, so I'm somewhat confused. It perhaps might be worth noting that this is the first person I've truly felt... this sort of attraction towards.

Probably explains a lot.

Hell, shoot for the gold. Next time she says she's not interested, assuming you bother to ask again anyway, just say:

"Women are never interested in the men they should be with, that doesn't mean they're any less perfect for one another."

Or alternatively, don't ask other people how to get over things. It's a self answering question: "How do I get over x?" "Get over it." There's really no special way. Just go do something else. As Thal says, there's plenty of women out there.

 

[Booze Zombie]

Hell, shoot for the gold. Next time she says she's not interested, assuming you bother to ask again anyway, just say:

"Women are never interested in the men they should be with, that doesn't mean they're any less perfect for one another."

Or alternatively, don't ask other people how to get over things. It's a self answering question: "How do I get over x?" "Get over it." There's really no special way. Just go do something else. As Thal says, there's plenty of women out there.

That's a damn good line, man and you're right. I suppose the problem is presuming there's a magical, though specific, solution to everything.