PsychicTaco115 said:
Basically, things have gotten less and less of a reaction from me; in the end, I feel like there's no point to it all. This is also felt by myself fearing that I'll never amount to anything somewhat successful in life; it will end in failure.
You're 17, Taco. This is
typical for young men and women your age and up as exemplified by several threads popping up over the months (usually in Off Topic) where the OP's felt that they had wasted their life and/or would never amount to anything. The oldest one was a mere 23 years old, IIRC.
Keep that in mind while I work through this...there's a point, BTW.
PsychicTaco115 said:
I constantly feel that I have nothing "good" about me; everything I do, someone else does it x100 better than I could ever hope to do. I fear people's judgments about me, I don't want people to hate me or anything. Just this past week, I've avoided being the few people I usually talk to at lunch.
When I was a child my mother went to see a doctor because my father insisted on it. She told the doctor "I'd be all right if everyone would just leave me alone." Or words to that effect. What she said, however, about "wanting to be left alone" was a key symptom for people who suffer from clinical depression.
PsychicTaco115 said:
I have self-body issues; even though I go to the gym and don't eat much/eat somewhat healthy, it doesn't look appealing at all.
Among the pictures you've posted here over the months some have shown you shirtless. You're in fine physical shape--no surprise given that you're a swimmer.
You're going to go through at least 2 major growth spurts in the years to come. One will come in your early twenties as your body changes from an adolescent's body to a young man's. Then another as you...well, mature towards your physical prime around twenty eight.
These two growth spurts are why you can glance at males and discern that some are physically younger/older than others. I didn't grow in height but broadened appreciably as I approached my late twenties. The differences in photographs are notable.
PsychicTaco115 said:
I have had thoughts of suicide in the past and recently they've sprung back up again; it would be easy, just lock the garage door, turn both cars in and just wait.
I, too, had many thoughts about suicide in my late teens and early twenties. Ironically I'm not the least afraid of death but the mere thought of the pain--the staggering agony--my suicide would inflict on my loved ones was what always kept me from suiciding.
Don't hurt the ones you love by hurting yourself, please.
PsychicTaco115 said:
And to top it all off, I feel so damn guilty over feeling this; people have it worse off than a suburban white male, what right do I have to complain about some minor issues like these?
Don't go down that path, Taco. We are not gods.
As Americans (and especially white American men) we have it better off than well over half the world's population simply because of the location of our birth. Sympathizing and even empathizing with other's pains and sufferings is a
good thing so long as we don't let it overwhelm us. We are social animals. Caring about others means we aren't sociopaths.
But like the Buddhists say "Moderation in all things--even moderation."
***************
Off quoting/Still on topic:
I checked with my mother before commenting, here. She was once diagnosed with depression, as I said.
Her situation, however, was very different. She was a grown woman with 4 children (I'm the baby) a loving husband, a house with three acres and a large garden,
waaaaayyyyyy too many cats and dogs (we lived in the country) etc, etc. Yet she was still very severely depressed.
Her doctor didn't prescribe anti-depressants. Maybe because she never liked taking medicines but also because it was a different time and doctors didn't throw drugs at people as reflexively then as they seem to do today.
No, instead he told her to find something to be involved in. Something that would force her to interact with others.
Long story short--she got a job. She'd had one before having kids and we kids were all old enough that her staying around the house full time was unnecessary. She was going crazy (literally) rattling around that house.
She worked in the aerospace field until she retired.
The others have suggested you talk to a doctor or therapist. That advice is sound.
I'm going to suggest that you find something--even a job (or perhaps especially a job)--to force you to interact with others and to get you out of the house and away from brooding.
Last point--do you remember that time about 2 months ago when I played the crazy psychotherapist analyzing you in the IL chat? Do you remember what my diagnosis was?
"I've determined the cause of your problems, Mr. Taco. I'm afraid that the problem isn't immediately solvable but I can assure you that your condition is transient: You are a
teenager!!!
Your reply: "The horror... ;_;"
We're here, Taco. You aren't alone.
