Are Relationships Hard Work?
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I don't think its hard work. I think people make bad choices and refuse to acknowledge them. If you find someone you share genuine and important interests with, it shouldn't be hard if you're open and honest. If you just go with someone cause you find them hot, are lying to them, and wont admit it when the relationship just isn't there, then yes it will be hard work to keep together what shouldn't be.
If you have to lie to attract a mate, it wont last. If you don't enjoy each other outside the bedroom, it wont last. The hardest part really should just be finding the person in the first place.
If you have to lie to attract a mate, it wont last. If you don't enjoy each other outside the bedroom, it wont last. The hardest part really should just be finding the person in the first place.
I ask this question to myself a lot because I'm plagued by loneliness, yet I really do like the fact I'm the master of my own destiny. If I wanted to pack up and leave right now? I could do it, no strings attached. No roots. I hate the idea of losing that.
But just as much, I hate waking up in an empty bed every day. I kinda hate not having that one person in the world that would understand me, and I hate not having somebody to care about.
But just as much, I hate waking up in an empty bed every day. I kinda hate not having that one person in the world that would understand me, and I hate not having somebody to care about.
At times yes, relationships can be hard. When you put another person into the equation of your life, who has their share of flaws just like you. Its important to look past many relatively minor issues and disagreements. And not hold resentment from things in the past against your partner.
Intimacy can be a wonderful thing with the right person and right time. But getting that close to someone will raise your expectations for them, and make things between you two more personal. Leading to potential dissapointments.
And I have to say a huge chunk of the population (old and young) aren't at a point of their life where they can be in a relationship. Relationships are serious business, and there's more to another person past the looks and smiles. You both have to be open and vulnerable with each other. You have to be able to trust them, with sensitive issues whether it be emotional or financial and communicate. There needs to be trust and honor in the commitment. And your spouse is more important than your friends. You can't be having this routine night/social life anymore, unless it involves them too and there's no kids in the picture. And you absolutely cannot lay your hands on your partner in anger. These are some of the many things that ultimately cause relationships to fail. So yes, relationships are hard in a sense; because not everyone is ready to be in one. If they even desire one at some point.
Intimacy can be a wonderful thing with the right person and right time. But getting that close to someone will raise your expectations for them, and make things between you two more personal. Leading to potential dissapointments.
And I have to say a huge chunk of the population (old and young) aren't at a point of their life where they can be in a relationship. Relationships are serious business, and there's more to another person past the looks and smiles. You both have to be open and vulnerable with each other. You have to be able to trust them, with sensitive issues whether it be emotional or financial and communicate. There needs to be trust and honor in the commitment. And your spouse is more important than your friends. You can't be having this routine night/social life anymore, unless it involves them too and there's no kids in the picture. And you absolutely cannot lay your hands on your partner in anger. These are some of the many things that ultimately cause relationships to fail. So yes, relationships are hard in a sense; because not everyone is ready to be in one. If they even desire one at some point.
If YOU care about someone that means they have something that YOU want, and get from them. If you can get that something without being caring, considerate or giving something back, then you will. The self only cares about its own wellbeing.manic_depressive13 said:
I will add on to say that the personalities in a relationship are not the only factors that can make it hard work. When you enter a serious relationship you are tying two lives together which basically means you're doubling the number of bad shit that will happen in your life. You can have the most compatible relationship in the world and be perfect for each other and unfortunate events like deaths, accidents, illnesses, unemployment, money problems, and all the millions of other kinds of bad shit that can happen that will make your relationship harder.
In my current relationship I believe we are really compatible and we've been together for 3 years and I love her immensely, but that doesn't mean there haven't been several difficult periods of time. I had serious back surgery, we've had tough semesters, we were long distance for a year, friends and pets have passed away. These things are difficult enough when you're alone, but when you're in a relationship it will inevitably complicate things.
In my current relationship I believe we are really compatible and we've been together for 3 years and I love her immensely, but that doesn't mean there haven't been several difficult periods of time. I had serious back surgery, we've had tough semesters, we were long distance for a year, friends and pets have passed away. These things are difficult enough when you're alone, but when you're in a relationship it will inevitably complicate things.
Hell yes it's hard work, but if it DOES work, it's really rewarding.
The thing is, as someone above mentioned, relationships are all one big giant mess of negotiation and communication. Both people have needs and hangups and habits and lives of their own and a relationship is about tying them together.
If you and your partner are super-compatible (you have the same love-languages, you have the same interests, etc), then it's a lot less work to make both your lives intersect without too much trouble, although it's never effortless.
Then, you also have to make sure that neither of you starts taking each other for granted, as that leads to sloppy care for one another and if one of the partners leaves it's going to hurt the one taking it for granted a heck of a lot.
It's all one big huge compromise, with some being easier for certain pairs than others.
-_- Mine was like that and it was great, but then it fell apart due to her not telling me she was losing romantic feelings for me. And she kept it quiet for a full year because she thought it was only her problem because I was so "perfect". Then dumped it all on me in one shot. That was not fun.
The thing is, as someone above mentioned, relationships are all one big giant mess of negotiation and communication. Both people have needs and hangups and habits and lives of their own and a relationship is about tying them together.
If you and your partner are super-compatible (you have the same love-languages, you have the same interests, etc), then it's a lot less work to make both your lives intersect without too much trouble, although it's never effortless.
Then, you also have to make sure that neither of you starts taking each other for granted, as that leads to sloppy care for one another and if one of the partners leaves it's going to hurt the one taking it for granted a heck of a lot.
It's all one big huge compromise, with some being easier for certain pairs than others.
This is generally the ideal. The main thing in those relationships is to keep making sure both partners are getting what they need out of the relationship, and that they communicate when they aren't.Adam Jensen said:
-_- Mine was like that and it was great, but then it fell apart due to her not telling me she was losing romantic feelings for me. And she kept it quiet for a full year because she thought it was only her problem because I was so "perfect". Then dumped it all on me in one shot. That was not fun.
It's not hard work per say, it's effort. It's all about the effort you put in. Everyone's relationship is different. Yes there are things that get thrown into the mix that seem like hard work. It isn't easy to describe, but relationships take a lot of effort from both sides to work.
You might be doubling the bad stuff but you're also significantly reducing the intensity. For example maybe the incidence of illness has doubled between you, but each time you have the other person looking after you so it's not as awful and miserable as it would be otherwise. You'd still be getting sick the same amount each, but now you both get someone who loves you doting on you, instead of suffering alone. Wouldn't that affirm, rather than complicate, a relationship?Joseph Harrison said:
What relationships are (if you please excuse the pun) is very romanticized.
I don't care who you are. You were brought up with the idea that a real relationship is perfect magic. That special someone is worth leaving your job for, shunning your friends and family, every moment is perfect and without flaw. Her smile is your smile. His needs are your needs. Sex is fantastic. Your bodies mesh. Work lives intertwine with each other perfectly... All that movie/tv show/fairy tale bullshit we've been raised with by our very first bedtime stories.
But notice how our fairy tale stories ended with them getting together and then the convenient "They lived happily ever after". Because writing a life where two minds, spirits, and personalities perfectly meshed for all times is so much less believable than Poisoned Apples and Magical Dragons with questions three.
From the start, we all have baggage. You might look at the 'perfect' family, but then not know that it's a cover to just appear perfect. The father might be just interested in keeping up appearances and doing all this father stuff because that's what was expected from him. Or that he wanted all that praise for having the good job and the perfect family. The mother might be so stunted and worried about the father staying in her life that she will forgo everything and let him walk all over her just to be able to say she has a husband. The brother might be a brat who is so tired of being past over that he acts out to get attention, and just generally rebels. And you might be the 'baby' of the family that is always looked down upon, but tested to be brilliant so everyone has high expectations of you. And even so, the Brother was the star of their lives. Even when the Baby dropped out of school to take care of not one, but eventually both of his ailing parents.
Projection? I'm not sure I'm familiar with that term...
That scenario can make any number of people feel any number of ways. Could you believe that a person coming from that scenario would think all relationships are fake because what people project seldom reflects who they really are? You can easily believe that. Could you believe that a person coming from that scenario would think THAT IS how a woman and a man should act in the relationship? Yes. Because that's all that person knows. Could you believe that person coming from that relationship, not getting real attention or focus in his family life, would believe that no one could ever want to give him real and true attention? Yup. Could you believe that person from that relationship, not getting real attention or focus in his family life, would go around SEEKING AND TRYING TO REPLACE the attention that he never got from multiple sources? Yeah.
You'll never know how someone's early life will affect them. Even if you know the circumstances, the multiple ways it will affect any of us is as varied as dice rolls. So, while it's not 'Hard Work' in relationships, it really is about compatibility. I could find an amazing girl who is docile. Truly never wanted to do anything but what I said. And I'd suffer. Because that's not my personality. No matter how much hard work, effort, or counseling we'd go through... if it's her nature to just want to completely submit to me, she could never give me what I want for my wife.
But again, that's just speaking about my wife. If I'm young, that relationship might give me good feelings in the short time. Like I said, she's a really amazing girl. We could have a great time together in the short term just hanging out and having a really casual time. But if in the end, I'd want someone who is my equal... she couldn't give me that. No amount of hard work could change her or myself. And that will relationship will end. Not because of a lack of hard work or effort, but we just weren't meant to be.
Lastly, is eating hard work? keeping yourself clean? Healthy? Stimulated? Happy? Yes. It's one of the hardest things out there. But we don't see it like that because it's for us. And even if we sometimes don't even like us, we still care about our well being. It's the same for relationships. It might take a lot of hard work/effort. But if you care about the well being of your union, you'll not see it like that.
I don't care who you are. You were brought up with the idea that a real relationship is perfect magic. That special someone is worth leaving your job for, shunning your friends and family, every moment is perfect and without flaw. Her smile is your smile. His needs are your needs. Sex is fantastic. Your bodies mesh. Work lives intertwine with each other perfectly... All that movie/tv show/fairy tale bullshit we've been raised with by our very first bedtime stories.
But notice how our fairy tale stories ended with them getting together and then the convenient "They lived happily ever after". Because writing a life where two minds, spirits, and personalities perfectly meshed for all times is so much less believable than Poisoned Apples and Magical Dragons with questions three.
From the start, we all have baggage. You might look at the 'perfect' family, but then not know that it's a cover to just appear perfect. The father might be just interested in keeping up appearances and doing all this father stuff because that's what was expected from him. Or that he wanted all that praise for having the good job and the perfect family. The mother might be so stunted and worried about the father staying in her life that she will forgo everything and let him walk all over her just to be able to say she has a husband. The brother might be a brat who is so tired of being past over that he acts out to get attention, and just generally rebels. And you might be the 'baby' of the family that is always looked down upon, but tested to be brilliant so everyone has high expectations of you. And even so, the Brother was the star of their lives. Even when the Baby dropped out of school to take care of not one, but eventually both of his ailing parents.
Projection? I'm not sure I'm familiar with that term...
That scenario can make any number of people feel any number of ways. Could you believe that a person coming from that scenario would think all relationships are fake because what people project seldom reflects who they really are? You can easily believe that. Could you believe that a person coming from that scenario would think THAT IS how a woman and a man should act in the relationship? Yes. Because that's all that person knows. Could you believe that person coming from that relationship, not getting real attention or focus in his family life, would believe that no one could ever want to give him real and true attention? Yup. Could you believe that person from that relationship, not getting real attention or focus in his family life, would go around SEEKING AND TRYING TO REPLACE the attention that he never got from multiple sources? Yeah.
You'll never know how someone's early life will affect them. Even if you know the circumstances, the multiple ways it will affect any of us is as varied as dice rolls. So, while it's not 'Hard Work' in relationships, it really is about compatibility. I could find an amazing girl who is docile. Truly never wanted to do anything but what I said. And I'd suffer. Because that's not my personality. No matter how much hard work, effort, or counseling we'd go through... if it's her nature to just want to completely submit to me, she could never give me what I want for my wife.
But again, that's just speaking about my wife. If I'm young, that relationship might give me good feelings in the short time. Like I said, she's a really amazing girl. We could have a great time together in the short term just hanging out and having a really casual time. But if in the end, I'd want someone who is my equal... she couldn't give me that. No amount of hard work could change her or myself. And that will relationship will end. Not because of a lack of hard work or effort, but we just weren't meant to be.
Lastly, is eating hard work? keeping yourself clean? Healthy? Stimulated? Happy? Yes. It's one of the hardest things out there. But we don't see it like that because it's for us. And even if we sometimes don't even like us, we still care about our well being. It's the same for relationships. It might take a lot of hard work/effort. But if you care about the well being of your union, you'll not see it like that.
Ideally, yes, they would affirm the relationship and 95% of the time they do and everything turns out fine. But unfortunately, in the long run you will run into situations after being together for years where shit just gets complicated. Times where you both are already struggling managing your time between jobs, schools, friends, family and then you are also expected to spend a considerable amount of time with your SO and when wrenches like illnesses, or whatever, get thrown in the works, it just makes everything harder. After my back surgery, my girlfriend was taking a summer semester and working full time. Having to take time out of her day to help me with physical therapy cuz I was incapable of doing anything can be stressful when you're so busy and we're talking about recovery that lasts for months. And then there's long distance which can be a whole other can of worms, I'm not gonna even get started at. I think relationships are amazing because your life becomes so intertwined with someone else, but at times you kinda wish that the difficulties of somebody else's life weren't making your own already hard life even harder.manic_depressive13 said:
Obviously, I'm not an expert on relationships as 3 years isn't that long compared to most relationships, but this is just my two cents.
I would say that relationships require maintenance. How much 'work' involved is debatable, but it does take a lot of effort in my personal experience. Being a maintenance operator at a power plant, I can say the maintenance I do at my actual job mirrors the kind of relationship maintenance that needs to be done in a few ways. The thing about maintenance is that it's never ending, and the effects aren't always readily recognized and appreciated. The dozens of little things I do at work every day aren't usually recognized and valued as much as the work that goes into repairing a broken piece of equipment, because what I do is just keeping things from breaking. It's all background stuff.
And I think that's where the biggest parallel to 'relationships are hard work' best applies. Doing the little things, and keeping that motivation, because it's not always readily apparent or appreciated.
And I think that's where the biggest parallel to 'relationships are hard work' best applies. Doing the little things, and keeping that motivation, because it's not always readily apparent or appreciated.
Not hard work, if it's hard work, then, whatever you may think you're in, it's not a great relationship, the two are just too different, it shouldn't be hard work, it shouldn't even be a thought, a great relationship is exactly that.
At least, in my experience, the best relationship (and closest to being the mythical "one") in my life was the easiest, we were two sides of a coin, we had our differences but they didn't matter, and our likes went to the core, each day was a happy celebration, it never felt like work, until the end, and then, well, that's why it was the end.
And that was eight years mind you (well, seven, that last year was downhill) and it's what I've applied to relationships since, always been a good guage of when it's time to distinguish between love and lust.
At least, in my experience, the best relationship (and closest to being the mythical "one") in my life was the easiest, we were two sides of a coin, we had our differences but they didn't matter, and our likes went to the core, each day was a happy celebration, it never felt like work, until the end, and then, well, that's why it was the end.
And that was eight years mind you (well, seven, that last year was downhill) and it's what I've applied to relationships since, always been a good guage of when it's time to distinguish between love and lust.
Relationships, to me, can be the difference between a job and a career... They're a possibility of enjoying either or without considering it "hard work", but the career might not feel like "hard work" in comparison to the job overall...
Other than that, I still feel like the beginning of the relationship has the most amount of "work" followed closely by the end of the relationship, if it ever came down to that...
Other than that, I still feel like the beginning of the relationship has the most amount of "work" followed closely by the end of the relationship, if it ever came down to that...
Could you give an example of what kind of effort might go into a relationship but be taken for granted? I'm struggling to see the similarities with maintaining machinery.Jux said:
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Hard, to me, implies difficult or something that will make you miserable. It's not always easy but you've got to both decide if it's worth fighting for. There will be dark days but what defines your relationship is how you react to them. Even before me and my fella got together it was so difficult because we both had massive issues that our exes had left us with. I've been with him nearly half a year now and I've only just started to trust that he isn't going to leave me at the drop of a hat like the others have.
All good relationships require effort and it's always more than worth it.
Hard, to me, implies difficult or something that will make you miserable. It's not always easy but you've got to both decide if it's worth fighting for. There will be dark days but what defines your relationship is how you react to them. Even before me and my fella got together it was so difficult because we both had massive issues that our exes had left us with. I've been with him nearly half a year now and I've only just started to trust that he isn't going to leave me at the drop of a hat like the others have.
All good relationships require effort and it's always more than worth it.
A natural relationship requires less effort than a broken one.
I'm getting married this year and I wouldn't say being with my fianc?e has been hard work at all. Once you find out what each other likes and really dislikes then it's not hard to work through issues and problems.
I'm getting married this year and I wouldn't say being with my fianc?e has been hard work at all. Once you find out what each other likes and really dislikes then it's not hard to work through issues and problems.