I know I'm kind of late posting in this thread seeing as it's been dead for at least twelve hours, but I decided not to waste all this stuff I wrote by exiting yet another tab with a half written post in it.
creager91 said:
I'm exactly like you, only I'm not sure I'm as cynical about relationships anymore. It seems that it's just in my nature to flirt with different guys sometimes, although I'm not quite sure what flirting even is.
When I was thirteen or fourteen, I thought teenage relationships were mostly BS because almost everyone broke up after being infatuated, and I read
Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye and
The Five Love Languages, which had something to do with it somehow. I felt like I had to be really cautious about getting into a relationship and find the perfect person or something, and that to do that I thought I had to get to know someone as a friend really, really well over a long time because it was such a serious thing and I didn't want to get hurt. I nonetheless ended up with some retarded sort-of-relationships and ended up getting hurt (and hurting others), so if you have the impression being cynical about relationships will shield people from being hurt and jealous, don't. The problem is when they start wanting to get serious and you don't know whether being nice to them and trying to distract them will soften the blow of rejection or just make it worse later by frustrating them to the point of tears.
There's a lot of cognitive dissonance in dreaming about people and relationships and enjoying the confidence or thrill the prospect of one gives, while not really wanting one because you're afraid of throwing your dreams away and becoming restless and uncertain. I used to worry about anything from how to kiss people non-awkwardly to what I'd do with the time previously spent daydreaming, trying to impress others, and checking people out. I imagined childish wonder and whimsical freedom disappearing in the perceived everyday banalities of domestic married/long-term-relationship life. Then I try to either rationalise how I could be okay with that, or how life could still feel free and full of potential. There's probably beauty in long-term relationships that I don't see because I've never experienced one properly. Someone once told me I don't know what love is.
Nowadays I think it's good to have a sort of middle ground. You don't have to waste your time by starting a relationship with everyone you have a crush on, but if you really like someone, don't be afraid of "commitment". It's not like you have to marry someone if they become your girlfriend. For the time being I'm enjoying just doing whatever I want. I'm not generally worried about relationships like I used to be, I just figure that whenever I have one, I'll take everything day by day (just as I am now, I'm not fretting about singleness or anything) and stop trying to think of the "big picture" or "bigger purpose" of relationships, because really, everything comes down to everydayness no matter how much you blow it up and dramatise it and make yourself anxious over it. Like InterAirplay said, don't take it too seriously. I figured that I was afraid of relationships because I turned commitment into this big issue.
creager91 said:
They have said the L word usually after a couple months of us casually dating and occasionally cuddling up for a movie or sleeping together, again I'm a virgin so I like to think that they know its just for fun and I really don't hide that I'm a virgin. But like as soon as I hear that word it's almost like I just get disgusted by them and I actually have gotten angry at girls for saying it
I think I might relate to that in a way. It might be sort of like how I haven't liked when guys ever wanted to seriously take me out for a typical dinner date. Cuddling while watching a movie and then saying "I love you", just seems like such a nauseatingly trite situation to me, like getting dressed up and sitting in a fancy restaurant with candles and a jazz/lounge musician. I just feel like I'm expected to act out whatever I've seen on TV, and it makes me want to laugh, it's like if someone in all serious did the "yawn-and-stretch" thing at the movies. And I never saw what was so romantic about sitting there daintily shoveling overpriced food into your mouth. And then they might be like "well I would still like to some time, but I'll try to do some things you say you like to do" and they they climb a tree or something, lmao. But by then everything feels really unnatural and forced. Maybe I'm just socially awkward, or maybe I just didn't like him enough. Either way I just felt really awkward and shy. I don't know how I'd react if I was both infatuated and comfortable with them.
InterAirplay said:
I try to be like this, but sometimes the confusing thing is figuring out exactly what those precautions should be, and what exactly being decent is. That is, if you're talking about precautions against breaking someone's heart (I realised you could be talking about sex-related precautions against pregnancy and all that, haha). I had the impression it was okay to flirt with a few guys at once because I was honest about it and the fact that I didn't want a relationship any time soon (fairly early on), but I ended up hurting them so I can't help but feel I went wrong somewhere. I don't think it was nice of me, despite trying to make them feel good about themselves at the time (they all had things to complain about, I seem to be drawn to that insecure type for some reason).
So, I think for those people you sort of like but not enough to be in a relationship with, or even are infatuated with but aren't sure about yet, there are a few things that should be avoided. Something I decided is that it was stupid to act jealous about something if I'm not wanting to be in a relationship with them, I have no right to act possessive over something I won't claim. And obviously telling them you love them when you won't commit, unless they can obviously see not to take it literally due to context, isn't a good idea. It's just the small things that are hard to figure out sometimes, like whether or not to hug them just that little bit longer or to say they're adorable when they have low self-esteem, or to admit you like them a little. I don't know the difference between trying to be nice and just cruelly leading them on sometimes.
