Asexuality as a Defensive or Coping Mechanism?
- Thread starter AbyssalSanhedrin
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Eh...contrary to endless hordes of crap teen movies, not having sex isn't a big deal. You don't have to mean "nobody wants to have sex with me" if you say "I don't want to have sex".
Anyway, if sex is so massively important, surely it's not something to do casually? If it is something to do casually, surely it's not important if you don't do it?
Anyway, if sex is so massively important, surely it's not something to do casually? If it is something to do casually, surely it's not important if you don't do it?
The internet is a hotpot of information, and it's never been more accessible than it is now.
Children, including teenagers, are extremely sensitive to influence (which isn't to say people in general aren't), and as such, it can be easy to convince them, or for them to convince themselves, that any activity they display that may be seen as unusual puts them in a certain extreme, and there's no better place than to gather information about that extreme than the internet.
I'd say the vast majority of people who claim themselves to be asexual (and transsexual, though that's a discussion for elsewhere) fall under this classification, and indeed, most of them are teenagers. Those that have been unlucky or unintuitive in physical relations, or have more specific needs, can easily mistake it (or at least console themselves in thinking it) as asexuality.
I personally have no sex drive unless I'm around certain people, and as I am with most things, I'm very particular about my requirements. It's also almost wholly dependent on the other person's enjoyment and drive; if they're not into it or up for it, I quickly lose interest. I was a virgin with no interest whatsoever in sex until around age nineteen, after which I met certain people that I found it easy to explore how I ticked in that regard with quite thoroughly. Later on I moved away from the environment and again found myself without drive or a use for it for a good four or five years. I then met the person I am with now, whom I have quite a lot of chemistry with, and I am back to being in a state where I am perpetually willing to engage in physical relations whenever they're in the mood for it, yet when left purely to my own devices, I have no desire for sex. So I make a good example of someone that has "specific needs" and, if I were one of those people who desperately needed to classify themselves, "asexual" would indeed be an easy way to mistake my sexuality when observed in my default state. In reality I'm a quite seductive flirt with a penchant for playful, manipulative (but well-meaning) courtship... but only once I've found the right mate.
Children, including teenagers, are extremely sensitive to influence (which isn't to say people in general aren't), and as such, it can be easy to convince them, or for them to convince themselves, that any activity they display that may be seen as unusual puts them in a certain extreme, and there's no better place than to gather information about that extreme than the internet.
I'd say the vast majority of people who claim themselves to be asexual (and transsexual, though that's a discussion for elsewhere) fall under this classification, and indeed, most of them are teenagers. Those that have been unlucky or unintuitive in physical relations, or have more specific needs, can easily mistake it (or at least console themselves in thinking it) as asexuality.
I personally have no sex drive unless I'm around certain people, and as I am with most things, I'm very particular about my requirements. It's also almost wholly dependent on the other person's enjoyment and drive; if they're not into it or up for it, I quickly lose interest. I was a virgin with no interest whatsoever in sex until around age nineteen, after which I met certain people that I found it easy to explore how I ticked in that regard with quite thoroughly. Later on I moved away from the environment and again found myself without drive or a use for it for a good four or five years. I then met the person I am with now, whom I have quite a lot of chemistry with, and I am back to being in a state where I am perpetually willing to engage in physical relations whenever they're in the mood for it, yet when left purely to my own devices, I have no desire for sex. So I make a good example of someone that has "specific needs" and, if I were one of those people who desperately needed to classify themselves, "asexual" would indeed be an easy way to mistake my sexuality when observed in my default state. In reality I'm a quite seductive flirt with a penchant for playful, manipulative (but well-meaning) courtship... but only once I've found the right mate.
I think the best way to look at it is this..AbyssalSanhedrin said:
The vast majority of people, particularly in adolescence but even in adulthood, will have a range of confusing experiences. Just as we now expect "normal" heterosexuals to have occasional periods of homosexual fantasy or activity as a fairly standard part of sexual development, I think we need to consider that many people are probably having asexual periods which they may well abandon later. This does not make it an affectation and it does not mean their lack of interest is not real, it could easily develop into lifelong asexuality just like a same-sex crush can develop into affirmative bisexuality or homosexuality.
There's also something which I think confuses the issue for many people, which is variable maturation. Some people will be all about sex by age 13, some people even by by age 17 will still want to hang out with their same sex friends and play games. Since the "culture" of modern adolescence tends to view precocious sexuality as normal, people in the later category might use asexuality to explain what is actually just a slow natural development. That's fine, I don't see the problem with that, symptomatically it's identical to adult asexuality, and if people grow out of it no harm done. We all change our sexual preferences as we mature, some of us more than others.
So basically, I think we should all stop trying to categorize people into permanent and fixed categories. A person who goes through a year of asexual feeling is no less asexual during that time than someone who feels no sexual desire at all for their entire life.
As a bisexual I'm a little motivated here. 90% of the crappy things people say to me are related to the idea that any sexuality which doesn't seem "consistent" must simply be a phase or fake. It's not a nice judgement to apply to people, you should always assume that their experiences are real, and it's really no business of yours whether or not they are permanent. Do you still lust after your first crush as intensely as you did when you met them? I doubt it.. sexuality is always changing for everyone, don't hold people to a consistency which you yourself lack.
Even physically unattractive people can be appealing with the right use of certain personality traits. On my best days I'd consider myself unremarkable to look at, but that really hasn't stopped me from seducing literally everyone I've been sexually attracted to in one way or another, apparently, and there have been two situations where the person I entered relations with came after me.RewardMe said:
It sounds as though I'm bragging, which is hardly my intent; the point is that presentation is everything. A lot of people who haven't been successful are more content to feel sorry for themselves (and in turn assign titles to themselves to justify their ineptitude, as it turns out) than change their approach, but that's really what it boils down to; if you're not having any luck, you're more than likely doing something wrong.
Of course, sometimes the pairing is just incompatible, and that shouldn't discourage one more than anything else; it isn't always meant to be.
This makes me think, and I see that I've probably fallen into the same trap of just assuming that sexuality is either lifetime or for a long time.evilthecat said:
As I already stated I dislike the words "Defense Mechanism" or "Coping Mechanism" being thrown around, usually because they are often used by people to insult other people by accusing them of doing X and Y because of Z. Even though they themselves could be accused of projecting or whatever...
The problem I see is that we as the entire human race simply doesn't know enough about psychology to know pretty much anything about our cognitions.
However assuming that asexuality was a defense mechanism, in a certain time period, to legitimise virginity or whatever stimuli they were responding to. Does that make it any less valid? Obviously I'm not talking about those that are lying but a defense mechanism would mean they wholly and truly felt that way. In my mind, if someone is responding for a certain period of time (Whatever that may be) to some form of influence that causes them to become asexual, then that feeling is as valid as any other.
In reality, we as humans should eventually get over the fact that in every area of life some people will lie, some people will genuinely be influenced, some people may just be that way from their entire life's environment and biology, but who the hell should care what you do as long as it doesn't negatively affect others.
Oh are you kidding me! I am asexual, and no it is NOT a coping mechanism, or an excuse. I just have no urge to have sex with anyone ever. Most of the time I actually have to hide my asexuality from people, because they tend to think I'm weird, or there's something wrong with me <-(I'm not joking) or I'm actually a closeted gay, or I 'm suppressing my own sexual growth, and emotional development, blah, blahdidity, BLAH the list goes on and on and on. The stupid people never fucking end. My sexuality tends to be a headache more than anything, although it funny to watch a porno and be paying more attention to camera angles, set design, and logistics of two people fucking in a certain position more than anything else. "Oh come on how can do it at that angle you'd sprain her neck!"
Tazzy da Devil said:
How about this one after someone propositions you "No thanks I'm asexual" person looks at you 'slyly' "I can fix that" then there's the classic of everyone saying that you're closeted. Aren't those people just so much fun
P.S. Love your avatar it suits the situation perfectly.
There are definitely people who lie about it, but it depends on the context. Even considering the proclivities of much of the Escapist's user base, there is no way all of the people who claim to be asexual actually are, and I suppose that there's a decent chance some of them are using it as an excuse because they happen to be scared of admitting that they would like to but haven't been able to. After all, that's a very human thing to do; when you can't have something you want, claim you never wanted it anyway.
Now, that being said, I don't think it's very prevalent. Since it's the Internet, you don't have to admit to being a virgin if you don't want to, so there's no real advantage to claiming something like that; if you don't want to admit to it, you can just not talk about it.
Now, that being said, I don't think it's very prevalent. Since it's the Internet, you don't have to admit to being a virgin if you don't want to, so there's no real advantage to claiming something like that; if you don't want to admit to it, you can just not talk about it.
I didn't know that asexuality is such a big thing, I never really heard about it before to be honest. Homosexuality is a big thing, asexuality isn't one at all. Only on the internet you hear about it at all. Any clues why that is so?
Fending it off as something else is just stupid, it just means that you don't take people seriously. I mean they know themselves best don't they?
Fending it off as something else is just stupid, it just means that you don't take people seriously. I mean they know themselves best don't they?
I have known of some guys who proffessed asexuality to try and make certain girls want to change their mind, if that makes sense.
However, I know two actual asexual people, one who is in a long-term relationship and occasionally does have sex but is just in it for the love and another who doesnt have a preffered gender and hasn't ever been in a relationship or had sex (as far as I know).
I think some people in this thread have gotten the wrong end of the stick. OP isnt saying asexual people dont exsist, but is saying that some people who are not asexual pretend to be in order to get people off thier back about being a virgin.
However, I know two actual asexual people, one who is in a long-term relationship and occasionally does have sex but is just in it for the love and another who doesnt have a preffered gender and hasn't ever been in a relationship or had sex (as far as I know).
I think some people in this thread have gotten the wrong end of the stick. OP isnt saying asexual people dont exsist, but is saying that some people who are not asexual pretend to be in order to get people off thier back about being a virgin.
Asexual, virgin, 21 years old. Take that as you will. Why a virgin? Because of the prevalence of STDs and stupid people between the ages of 13 to 30, having sex was dangerous. I'm sorry, but when told that at least 1 in 4 people in high school and college have a STD, you go 'Haha screw that!' to sex.
I used to think I was bisexual for a few years, but as I grew older, I've come to realize that my lack of desire for sex and my lack of attraction to any gender has never gone away like those who claim it as a 'period in my life'. Neither men nor women attract me, so why should I bother with sex? If I find somebody, their body will be a non-factor into why I love him or her.
The people that say asexuality is a phase, and there is no such thing, are just those that can't wrap their minds around the fact that for a population as big as humanity's (Around 7 billion), that there is a small portion that don't find attraction in others by a purely physical nature.
I used to think I was bisexual for a few years, but as I grew older, I've come to realize that my lack of desire for sex and my lack of attraction to any gender has never gone away like those who claim it as a 'period in my life'. Neither men nor women attract me, so why should I bother with sex? If I find somebody, their body will be a non-factor into why I love him or her.
The people that say asexuality is a phase, and there is no such thing, are just those that can't wrap their minds around the fact that for a population as big as humanity's (Around 7 billion), that there is a small portion that don't find attraction in others by a purely physical nature.
Then by that standard, Homosexuality is a mental illness. Bisexuality is a mental illness. Hell, I can say Heterosexuality is a mental illness by that standard you placed. So by what you say, every human on the planet has a mental illness.HardkorSB said:
While we're on the Subject of this, do Asexual people just masturbate instead? Or do they have no desire to Ejaculate?
It's been recorded that some do, but there are Asexuals that neither do, nor can, masturbate. One does not need sexual desire to masturbate. If you're a guy and you get an erection, it's much better to rub it out in the locked bathroom than it is to wait the ungodly length of time erections go away normally.Soxafloppin said:
Masturbation is more a bodily function than it is a desire for sex.
Yes, because if a person has no desire to have sex, they have something wrong with them. -_-HardkorSB said:
OT: Why does it matter? Why make such a big deal over what sexuality people ascribe to themselves? It does not make much sense to me.