Asexuals and low sex drives

[Lieju]

Being asexual tends to mean you're not attracted to people. People who identify as asexual can have romantic relationships, they can have sexual fantasies, or masturbate, or even have sex (for different reasons).

Sexual attraction and drive varies from person to person anyway, and individual people can have very different preferences and sex drives in the first place, so different people can use these terms differently, and a lot of people speak about an 'asexual spectrum', that includes people who only very rarely experience sexual attraction, or who only get attracted to people after they know them.


I know several asexuals, some of them don't care about sex or find it icky, some are interested in the idea of sex and enjoy for example reading about it but don't want to do that themselves, some are in relationships, some don't even want romance.


Why do people find this difficult to understand?
(Almost) everyone has at least one person they're NOT attracted to, why is it difficult to believe for some everyone is like that?

And people talking about evolution, you are aware that humans can have sex without being sexually attracted to someone? Especially women in many times and cultures had no choice in the matter: they had to get married and have sex with a man.

Even in modern times, I know several asexual/lesbian women who were in relationships with men because they thought they were heterosexual or it was expected of them. Maybe they didn't want to be different, or confused friendship or thinking someone is good-looking for sexual attraction...

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

This is the most concise and well thought out answer of the thread so far. The only confusing thing is the answer to the followup question (I warn you, it's nothing but semantics):

Sexual orientation is about sex in the male/female sense, not in the intercourse sense; i.e. toward which sex to you orient yourself. Only an asexual has no orientation towards either sex and would therefore not have any interest in romance with anyone. You said it yourself that "Asexual people are attracted to no genders." This is especially confusing if they can do "kissing, hugging, long moonlit walks on the beach, all that other lovey dovey stuff" without being attracted to that other gender. Being an asexual that dates seems to be like a massive contradiction to the idea of the sexual orientation.

Also about semantics.
Asexuality operates on the sexual attraction in the "I want to have intercourse with you sense"

Sexual orientation and romantic orientation are viewed as two separate things. Asexual people may not want to participate in the act of having sex (with anyone). Quite a few feel it's perfectly okay to go an entire life without ever having sex, however, they aren't robots, they do desire companionship, be it platonic or otherwise.

If you define sexual orientation as what you were assigned at birth (your biological sex), that also delves into the topic of sex vs gender.

Sex= what you were assigned at birth
Gender= what you personally identify as

This subject alone could take up a whole new thread, but it boils down to "people are complicated" and that's not even touching on people with intersex conditions who may not fit into either or biological sex and if "sexual orientation" is defined by what sex you're assigned at birth, where do these individuals stand? Intersex conditions are actually not as uncommon as they appear, so if that is the definition of sexual orientation*, it may call for retooling.

I hope that what I just said is understandable, if it's not, I'll try to explain further, though I make no promises.

 

[JagermanXcell]

Oh sweet, a thread I can really dig my two cents into considering a talk I had earlier.

"Asexuality" basically has range to it. An earlier conversation with my partner had us both coming to the conclusion that she and I were both asexual, but with high sex drive. Which leads to the other explantation as to why that is: Our own personal orientation (which can factor in wether a person has a high/low sex drive). Both of us admitted to frequent masterbation prior and even during our relationship, while openly admitting how we personally saw sex as.... mmmm... more or less undesirable and for different/good reasons. That's not to say it's because I don't like/love her. We've both been considerably attached to one another mentally, emotionally, physically, and even sexually for a long time now. It's just that the physical and sexual aspect is and can be held back from going to the end all be all that is intercourse: because of our orientations as individuals (pleasure seeking between two people isn't exactly limited is what i'm saying).

Which in my opinion IS GREAT! when it comes to investing in the persona rather than the body. In due time things can change, but that's what makes us as humans so fascinating.
So yeah, basically I think it applies to both genders, the amount of drive may vary from person to person, and that overall it's just simple f***ing orientation!

Either screw the pooch or embrace the purity peeps.

So, you and your girlfriend are sexually attracted to each other, physically intimate, have high sex drives but you label yourselves asexual just because neither of particularly want to have sex right now?

Am I misunderstanding? If not, that really doesn't seem like asexuality to me. Sounds like a heterosexual couple who just don't want to have sex.

Eh, no you got the gist of what I meant.
Labeling us as an "asexual couple" is what my gal pal says to others when asked about our state as a pairing (note: she considers herself pansexual, ironically being the opposite of asexual). Me, I just roll with it cause it saves the long unecessary explanations. I myself have never been a fan of labeling something as simple as orientation, which is why I put "Asexuality" in quotes thar in the beginning, only ever using it, what 2 times? (hmmm... reading back I could have paraphrased those two first sentences better)

Sooooo yeah, heterosexual couple who find sex icky. Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue but I hope I cleared that up.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Sooooo yeah, heterosexual couple who find sex icky. Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue but yeah.

Doesn't roll off the tongue but it's more accurate.

You could just say you're abstaining or something.

I know you weren't really being serious and I'm not having a go or anything, I just think some people really do struggle with things like asexuality and whatnot so when you throw around the label just because you and your partner aren't into sex at the moment, it doesn't really help their case, you know?

 

[JagermanXcell]

Sooooo yeah, heterosexual couple who find sex icky. Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue but yeah.

Doesn't roll off the tongue but it's more accurate.

You could just say you're abstaining or something.

I know you weren't really being serious and I'm not having a go or anything, I just think some people really do struggle with things like asexuality and whatnot so when you throw around the label just because you and your partner aren't into sex at the moment, it doesn't really help their case, you know?

Why is that... do you wanna GO?!

God damn it, abstaining. That's the word I was looking for, thank you.
Yeah I understand, my sincerest apologies for that. I'll be sure to phrase that better for future reference to respect those whom are coming to grips. They're definitely a group that has every right to be listened to.

 

[Colour Scientist]

Sproggin McLoggin

That's a beautiful name, is it French?

 

[Lieju]

Asexuality is a mental illness. Reproduction is as basic and necessary as eating, and look how we'll treat someone who has lost the will to eat. If you don't want to have sex with anything, there's something wrong with you and you should try to get it fixed. We don't encourage anorexia, we shouldn't encourage asexuality.

???
Anorexia actually damages your health though, and is horrible for the person who suffers from it. Not having sex, and not wanting to have sex... Doesn't.

You sound like an alien who failed their human biology course.

We human beings don't actually need to reproduce to avoid dying. Besides, asexual people can have children, even biological ones, so...

 

[Lucem712]

It's just another trendy thing for attention whores to grab onto. Everyone wants to be special, and in a highly sexualized environment like the one we live in how would you not stand out?

That's the perfect way to stand out by having a sexual orientation that absolutely no one could actually detect unless you told them. Those young'ins and their asexuality. It's a menace, I tell you.

EDIT:

Also, I am one of those attention grabbin' whores. So attention grabbing by flaunting my Asexuality that almost no one knows about it! Am I doing this attention grabbin' whore thing right?

 

[Mr Companion]

1) From what I gather, yes, asexuality is the complete absence of a sex drive, at-least one directed at other people.

2) The opposite would either be a bisexual or a hypersexual, depending on whether you're looking at orientation or strength of sex drive.

3) A true asexual is not attracted to either males or females, so logically they can't be gay, straight or bi right?

4) I wouldn't count hypersexuality as an orientation in itself, since hypersexuals can be still prefer only one gender, or both. It's an additional thing on top of a regular sexuality, unlike asexuality.

For the record, I'm not asexual but one of my close friends is.

You sir are correct. I'm 22 and I've never even held hands with a girl but neither do I have desire to sleep with men. I don't care. I would describe this as sexual apathy. As an asexual you see sex as something that happens to other people, you define yourself not by your relationships but by who you are. In a way lack of sexual desire frees you yet also makes one self-centered. Personally? I love being free of desire.

For the record, I'm apparently a handsome gent (people say so anyway, I tend not to look in the mirror) so it isn't for a lack of opportunity. I simply don't follow up on any advances made towards me. Luckily girls figure out I'm a dead end pretty fast. People are still gonna say "Huhuh you don't sleep with gurls cus ur ugly lol" but luckily as as somebody who is sexually apathetic I don't care if people find my behavior strange.

 

[Programmed_For_Damage]

Oh sweet, a thread I can really dig my two cents into considering a talk I had earlier.

"Asexuality" basically has range to it. An earlier conversation with my partner had us both coming to the conclusion that she and I were both asexual, but with high sex drive. Which leads to the other explantation as to why that is: Our own personal orientation (which can factor in wether a person has a high/low sex drive). Both of us admitted to frequent masterbation prior and even during our relationship, while openly admitting how we personally saw sex as.... mmmm... more or less undesirable and for different/good reasons. That's not to say it's because I don't like/love her. We've both been considerably attached to one another mentally, emotionally, physically, and even sexually for a long time now. It's just that the physical and sexual aspect is and can be held back from going to the end all be all that is intercourse: because of our orientations as individuals (pleasure seeking between two people isn't exactly limited is what i'm saying).

Which in my opinion IS GREAT! when it comes to investing in the persona rather than the body. In due time things can change, but that's what makes us as humans so fascinating.
So yeah, basically I think it applies to both genders, the amount of drive may vary from person to person, and that overall it's just simple f***ing orientation!

Either screw the pooch or embrace the purity peeps.

Sounds like my marriage...

I often wonder if part of asexuality is a counter-response to the gradual pornification of the current mainstream culture. For every progressive culture there is usually a rubber-band effect where once the "norms" get stretched out too far they snap back the opposite way.

 

[Aesir23]

I have to admit that I've always wondered if I was asexual. I haven't been attracted to anyone since middle school but I do have a sex drive.

Granted, I used to be able to feel attracted to people in middle school but I also went through some really intense bullying to the point where I keep myself pretty distant from people even thirteen years later. So I'm wondering if it's a case of actually being asexual or just some sort of subconscious defence mechanism.

 

[Korolev]

Asexual is a terrible term - they have a sex, (Male or Female) - they just don't engage in sexual activity and have no desire to engage. Rather than having a low libido, they have an absent libido.

The Opposite of an Asexual would be a Nymphomaniac or someone with "Hypersexuality".

Should asexual be an orientation? Well, I suppose so. They're orientated to not finding anything sexually interesting. But you could look at it another way and say they have an absence of any orientation whatsoever.

As for how is it different from platonic love..... it isn't. You can love someone as an "asexual", but the entire thing about being "asexual" is that they do not have sexual feelings for others, thus all their relationships are platonic.

I'm not "asexual". I do have a low libido. I'm straight, but I honestly can't find it in me to seek out a relationship. I've never had a sexual relationship in my life, and while I am not opposed to the idea of marrying someone and having children, it's very low on my list of priorities. Sexual relationships as a whole are very low on my list of priorities, and because of that I fear that I would be a terrible husband for whatever girl who was unfortunate enough to marry me. I find the rest of the world so much more interesting than sex, movies and spending time with someone talking about how their day is. I like people, overall, but prolonged intimate contact with people is something I dread. I can hold a conversation for 30 minutes, but after that... I honestly just don't feel like talking anymore. I like spending time by myself. I like silence. I can go for hours without wanting to talk, and sometimes I prefer not talking and will actively avoid conversations.

 

[AnthrSolidSnake]

I know this girl who claimed she was asexual. She said she would find people "pleasant to look at" but wouldn't have a distinct sexual attraction towards them. Then she met this guy, and from what I hear they are remarkably active.
Sometimes it could just be a case of finding the right person. That, or they are not sure of who they are sexually. Or of course, they truly don't have any distinct sexual urges. It's entirely possible. It's hard to understand why a person is a certain way if you can't feel that way yourself.

 

[Super Cyborg]

After having read through some of the asexual threads from this forum, I think I can say one of my friends is this (this is just conjecture, basing their behavior on what's been said).

Even before reading this thread, I would've said people who aren't sexually attracted to anybody. Seems like there is a range, and my definition only fits part of that. As for the rest of the stuff, I can't say since I'm not asexual. Only recently have I had my libido going off a lot, and I know my orientation well at this point. I do want to have sex at some with a romantic partner, but that's not for this thread.

From reading the thread, probably best to say it's just people who aren't sexually attracted to anything. May not fit everything, but it's a quick and to the point definition.

 

[Pete Oddly]

This might be really off topic, but am I the only one who has a problem with the nomenclature in regards to the term 'asexual' as it pertains to human beings? It always puts images in my head of people dividing like cells to reproduce. Weird, strangely arousing images...

Okay, I'm probably the only one with this issue.