Hi, fellow Escapists. I have something that shouldn't be a serious problem, but for some reason, is. I'm talking about my religious beliefs (or, rather, lack thereof).
Now, all my life I've been raised Christian. The Bible is the infallible word of God, whom loves each and every person on earth so much that he sent his son to die on the cross for their sins, etc. I'm raised this way because my mother is a hardcore fundamentalist. For the most part of my childhood, I accepted these beliefs. After all, God seemed like a pretty cool guy and I had no one telling me that anything else was true, so it seemed to be the truth. My mother put me into a Christian school in fifth grade, a school which I am still currently attending. However, a few years ago, I started doubting this religion. Not exactly sure how it started, but the doubts kept manifesting themselves at different places. However, each time, I would go to church and have the doubts taken from me and replaced with a feeling of comfort, knowing that God was in control of everything. I never stopped doubting my religion, though. I kept on this cycle for quite a while, always coming close to turning on God but never quite carrying through.
Then, one day, I went for it. I told myself that I was indeed an atheist and accepted that fact. I suddenly was filled with this hunger to learn about the science of the universe that I never got from Christian school. I rented books from the library about evolution, read atheist blogs on the internet, and even asked for, and received, a copy of Carl Sagan's Cosmos for Christmas (not from my mother, of course, from my brother). For a while, things were cool. I would wait for my mom to fall asleep or go to work, then I'd read my secular books. I even took them to school with me. Anyways, this worked for a few months, until one night (Monday of this week, to be precise), I was reading Richard Dawkins's The God Delusion in bed. I got up to do something, laid the book on the foot of my bed, and then completely forgot to put it away before going to sleep. In the morning, my worst fears were realized: my mother saw the book.
She was absolutely livid. She went off on me for about half an hour, only stopped by her needing to be at school at a certain time. I was yelled at about how I was letting Satan get a foothold into my life, and how I would eventually be dragged down into Hell if I kept on reading such books. She then went from anger to sadness, telling me how hurt she was that I had let "the official spokesman of Hell" influence my life in such a manner. The book was taken from me and I was banned from reading anything that wasn't explicitly Christian. I then went to school, very angry with myself for being so stupid as to allow this to happen.
For a few days, that was all on the subject. My niece was staying with us for a few days, so I think that's why my mom laid off. Then, about three hours ago, she started up again. She told me how upset she was that all the years of trying to bring me up with a Christian upbringing and all the tuition paid for a Christian school were wasted endeavors. She informed me of how angry she was that I was reading the words of a person who denied the truth of the Bible. Most of all she emphasized how sad it made her to see me turn my back on God. Throughout this whole thing, I had no idea of what to say. I never wanted to hurt her like that. I never would have dreamed of making anyone sad. I absolutely hate seeing people be upset. Knowing that I was the cause of my mother, the person I love more than anyone else, being in such a state, tore me apart. I never even told her that I'm an atheist. I just said that I have doubts about Christianity. Seeing what happened when I said that made me fear ever telling what my true beliefs are. I doubt that I'll ever be able to admit that to anyone in real life.
TL;DR My conservative fundamentalist mom found a Richard Dawkins book on my bed and made me feel like the most disgusting human being alive. Does anyone have ideas about how I could possibly make things better between us?
Now, all my life I've been raised Christian. The Bible is the infallible word of God, whom loves each and every person on earth so much that he sent his son to die on the cross for their sins, etc. I'm raised this way because my mother is a hardcore fundamentalist. For the most part of my childhood, I accepted these beliefs. After all, God seemed like a pretty cool guy and I had no one telling me that anything else was true, so it seemed to be the truth. My mother put me into a Christian school in fifth grade, a school which I am still currently attending. However, a few years ago, I started doubting this religion. Not exactly sure how it started, but the doubts kept manifesting themselves at different places. However, each time, I would go to church and have the doubts taken from me and replaced with a feeling of comfort, knowing that God was in control of everything. I never stopped doubting my religion, though. I kept on this cycle for quite a while, always coming close to turning on God but never quite carrying through.
Then, one day, I went for it. I told myself that I was indeed an atheist and accepted that fact. I suddenly was filled with this hunger to learn about the science of the universe that I never got from Christian school. I rented books from the library about evolution, read atheist blogs on the internet, and even asked for, and received, a copy of Carl Sagan's Cosmos for Christmas (not from my mother, of course, from my brother). For a while, things were cool. I would wait for my mom to fall asleep or go to work, then I'd read my secular books. I even took them to school with me. Anyways, this worked for a few months, until one night (Monday of this week, to be precise), I was reading Richard Dawkins's The God Delusion in bed. I got up to do something, laid the book on the foot of my bed, and then completely forgot to put it away before going to sleep. In the morning, my worst fears were realized: my mother saw the book.
She was absolutely livid. She went off on me for about half an hour, only stopped by her needing to be at school at a certain time. I was yelled at about how I was letting Satan get a foothold into my life, and how I would eventually be dragged down into Hell if I kept on reading such books. She then went from anger to sadness, telling me how hurt she was that I had let "the official spokesman of Hell" influence my life in such a manner. The book was taken from me and I was banned from reading anything that wasn't explicitly Christian. I then went to school, very angry with myself for being so stupid as to allow this to happen.
For a few days, that was all on the subject. My niece was staying with us for a few days, so I think that's why my mom laid off. Then, about three hours ago, she started up again. She told me how upset she was that all the years of trying to bring me up with a Christian upbringing and all the tuition paid for a Christian school were wasted endeavors. She informed me of how angry she was that I was reading the words of a person who denied the truth of the Bible. Most of all she emphasized how sad it made her to see me turn my back on God. Throughout this whole thing, I had no idea of what to say. I never wanted to hurt her like that. I never would have dreamed of making anyone sad. I absolutely hate seeing people be upset. Knowing that I was the cause of my mother, the person I love more than anyone else, being in such a state, tore me apart. I never even told her that I'm an atheist. I just said that I have doubts about Christianity. Seeing what happened when I said that made me fear ever telling what my true beliefs are. I doubt that I'll ever be able to admit that to anyone in real life.
TL;DR My conservative fundamentalist mom found a Richard Dawkins book on my bed and made me feel like the most disgusting human being alive. Does anyone have ideas about how I could possibly make things better between us?
