Paragon Fury said:
And on some level, I know I do want to have sex. But anytime I think about it, it doesn't go well and certainly wouldn't make a woman happy.
Oh I probably didn't make her all too happy
in this particular regard in my first time(s) myself, and I'm certain many other men will tell you the same, if they're honest. That's not the time to be overly selfless, to be honest.
Oral on me? "You're not doing it because you like it; even if you do it can't be that good to be worth doing it to me. Also I have reservations about doing the same to you, so this seems really exploitative and unfair".
If you're not comfortable with that, don't ask for it. Problem solved.
Oral on her? "I'm not really comfortable with putting my face down there." - Cue irate girlfriend
You can't really tell unless you try it at least once or twice.
Traditional? "I'm not really sure what I'm doing and I doubt it would be any good for you. And I don't know if you're doing it because you want to or you think I want/need it so I'm hesitant".
Look. You said you're in your twenties, if I recall correctly. You're not living in a clichee highshool world anymore where all boys are borderline sexual predators and all girls prefer to wait and have no idea what they really like anyway. Chances are the woman you'd be dating already has some idea what she wants, and will guide you, maybe even without asking her for it. You don't sound like the type of person who'd signal her strongly that you'd really really want to have sex now, what with all your anxieties, so don't worry about that.
Yea maybe it won't work out and she'll leave you again for one reason or another. And as it would be your first relationship and you're not generally a people's person on top, according to your own statements, chances are you make mistakes in your relationship. But how could you not? It's only natural. It just takes practice.
And as to your general sentiments of the idea of sex being icky... oh yes it certainly is. It's nasty. But when people get aroused they'll do all sorts of stuff with pleasure that they would otherwise consider as gross, or stuff that they never thought they had in them. That's one of the reasons why date rape happens.
So you don't need to worry about that too much either. Unless you've actually done it, you can't really tell. In fact, I'd wager that you already experienced that, in a fashion, when watching porn. Have you ever had the feeling that, after you we're done watching, this is actually pretty gross when you think about it? I know I had. It's pretty much the same.
That, and I just don't think of real women when I think of someone "sexy" or attractive. The things that come to mind are things like -
this,
or this.
Even THIS is more likely to come to mind.
With them I at least FEEL like I'm actually FEELING some attraction. With "real" women I don't get that feeling as much as I feel like I'm just evaluating a car or piece of art on attractiveness - "Hm, yes. This has all the things that should be attractive; therefore this is attractive".
If you do want to have sex with real women but only find imaginary women... of a rather specific type... attractive, then I would really suggest to talk about that with someone who has a better understanding of such issues than some random dudes and gals on the internet, a.k.a. a therapist. Not because what you like right now is necessarily "wrong", but because what you want, sex/relationships(?), is something you will never have in a fulfilling way, since the people you want to have sex with simply don't exist, and to see your desires forever unfulfilled, that could make you rather unhappy in the long run. I mean, at best, if you're really lucky you might score some cosplayers now and then, but I'd guess that they, too, generally want to be loved for the persons they are and not for the characters they play.
To change your perspective of what you find attractive, that could help you. Maybe you won't succeed, not even with help, but it seems worth a try.
