Awake

[DuplicateValue]

Hmm, I thought this was going to be about that movie with Hayden Christensen...

Oh well, since I'm here, I'll post one. I wrote this to try and keep myself awake during a study class in school. It's shit, but the standards aren't too high around here at the moment anyway.

Futile Resistance

Words lose meaning,
the room grows dark -
it can't be helped.

Reluctantly I'm gone -
darkness takes me,
but not for long.

I'm back.

Words gain meaning,
the room grows bright.
Guilty glances around.

I'm safe.
Repeat.​

 

[Quoth]

Repetition is a useful tool to reinforce a point. But reinforcing the "fireproof" could be done by finding another synonym.

If it helps I can totally dig the point of the poem. I used to feel this way about someone myself, at the end of the day if your poem can invoke the feeling then it's done it's job.

Then on the other hand I grew in to an old cynical. If you're feeling this way about someone now.. move on lifes too short for unrequited love on a girl too foolish to realise that you'd be the best thing for her.

 

[Quoth]

Futile Resistance

Words lose meaning,
the room grows dark -
it can't be helped.

Reluctantly I'm gone -
darkness takes me,
but not for long.

I'm back.

Words gain meaning,
the room grows bright.
Guilty glances around.

I'm safe.
Repeat.​

Sleep now, no one will hurt you!

 

[DuplicateValue]

Futile Resistance

Words lose meaning,
the room grows dark -
it can't be helped.

Reluctantly I'm gone -
darkness takes me,
but not for long.

I'm back.

Words gain meaning,
the room grows bright.
Guilty glances around.

I'm safe.
Repeat.​

Sleep now, no one will hurt you!

Do you think is was good or bad?

 

[SnucklesMan]

i really liked that... but then again thats because i am a hopeless romantic... i wasnt to sure at the beggining... but from the point

"but i know
that this is just a pipe dream
for you do not love me"

and onwards i had chills... i thought it was really good man...

Thanks. Seriously.

 

[SnucklesMan]

Futile Resistance

Words lose meaning,
the room grows dark -
it can't be helped.

Reluctantly I'm gone -
darkness takes me,
but not for long.

I'm back.

Words gain meaning,
the room grows bright.
Guilty glances around.

I'm safe.
Repeat.​

Sleep now, no one will hurt you!

Do you think is was good or bad?

I liked it. It was pretty funny.

 

[Quoth]

I officialy bite at quoting.

In my opinion only, because I'm not a professional poetry critic, its the effort that counts.

The thing I look for is whether I knew what the writer was getting at. So if I ask - were you talking about falling asleep in class... - then you've conveyed the point admirably.. but then again you did say you were trying to stay awake in class so I had a clue already

The last line in particular made me think about someone who's nodding off, waking up, nodding off and I liked it simple execution.

 

[DuplicateValue]

I liked it but I think you could have maybe lengthened the middle. If you are trying to give a feeling of being trapped, you should make it longer but if I'm totally wrong, nevermind. Overall, it's good

I wouldn't say it's about being trapped - it was about me trying not to fall asleep in class in case I got in trouble.

Thanks, though. =]

 

[SnucklesMan]

I liked it but I think you could have maybe lengthened the middle. If you are trying to give a feeling of being trapped, you should make it longer but if I'm totally wrong, nevermind. Overall, it's good

I wouldn't say it's about being trapped - it was about me trying not to fall asleep in class in case I got in trouble.

Thanks, though. =]

I get that now. lol. I kinda failed...

 

[DuplicateValue]

I officialy bite at quoting.

In my opinion only, because I'm not a professional poetry critic, its the effort that counts.

The thing I look for is whether I knew what the writer was getting at. So if I ask - were you talking about falling asleep in class... - then you've conveyed the point admirably.. but then again you did say you were trying to stay awake in class so I had a clue already

The last line in particular made me think about someone who's nodding off, waking up, nodding off and I liked it simple execution.

Hmm, cool thanks!

 

[SnucklesMan]

Spoiler: Me

Me
What is "me"?
Me
Not just a word
But a world of possibility
You
What is "you"?
You
But a portrait of something far beyond
what we can comprehend
When we think of "me"
Words jump to mind
Words to describe
A face
A personality
But what about further below?
What lies beneath words?
Me
I am true
But beneath true
I am me
I am kind
But beneath kind
I am me
I am loving
But beneath loving
I am me
Nothing describes me
I am unique and wonderful
And yet
The same as the man
sitting across from me
I am different
And yet
I am boring
I am complex in every way
But simple if you try
to understand
But don't try to hard
For "me"
Is far beyond
What we can comprehend

 

[Shadowfaze]

Nice bit of emo poetry. Write more, im in that sort of mood.

 

[SnucklesMan]

Nice bit of emo poetry. Write more, im in that sort of mood.

honestly? i have more

 

[Shadowfaze]

Nice bit of emo poetry. Write more, im in that sort of mood.

honestly? i have more

Go for it.

 

[SnucklesMan]

Spoiler: Memories

as I sit here
waiting
I must focus all my energy
on forcing the memories
back
out
of my head
I must
not
remember
I cannot remember the times we shared
the laughs
the tears
the hope
the dreams
the love
the hatred
I must
not
remember
the house we once had
the lawn
children
and friends
the life we led
I must
not
remember
I feel my energy draining
draining
draining
I feel the levee break
the memories
come flooding in
they fill my brain
flash before my eyes
I remember
the laughs tears hope and dreams
I remember
the love
the hatred
I remember
its all gone
gone
forever
I cannot forgive you
all I have
are these memories
I remember

Spoiler: Never

I sit here
alone
the wound
still shows
glints in the sun
you sit there
looking
laughing
your work is done
you smile
and walk away
I sit there
bleeding
you are
nowhere to be found
as I bleed
all I can think about are the times we shared
all gone
forever
never to return
and it hurts so bad
and you will never know
the anguish I feel
you will never understand
never

Spoiler: Perfect

when you do these things,
these terrible
hurtful things,
I am without words.
I cannot speak.
I cannot stop you.
I can only
watch...
observe
as you end lives
wreck homes
mutilate spirits.
"its for the greater good"
you say
What good?
no good
only
evil.
but do you think twice?
no.
you are always right
never at fault
you
are
perfect.
no one can improve on you.
you
are
perfect
you can do
no
wrong
you are flawless
amazing
and
absolutely
positively
perfect

Spoiler: Criminal Actions

Why do I do these painful things
Why do I hurt the ones around me
Poor little bird with broken wings
As long as Im near, you will never be free
Im angry at you for all that you have done
But nothing can compare to my own crimes
In the battle of strength, I have won
But sitting here thinking of rhymes
I cant help but remember how I tore us apart
When my rage came down on you like glass
Broken out of your broken heart
The time of anger was quick to pass
I fell to the ground, bloody hands, teary eyes
I saw you at my feet, crumpled in a pile
I remember now all of my sobs and cries
I had no idea I was full of such guile
I dont expect forgiveness from you
What I do expect is a second chance
And maybe we can start anew
I miss our old, perfect romance
But I fear that this has become the norm
My criminal actions, your terrified face
I fear that now that this awful storm
Has consumed me, it will consume our race
Infecting relationships and ruining lives
It spreads like wildfire in a dry plain
You cant look away though it tortures your eyes
To see the world overcome by pain
Why do I do these painful things
Why do I hurt the ones around me
Poor little bird with broken wings
As long as Im near, you will never be free

 

[SnucklesMan]

I don't mean to brag. I just kinda wanna get my stuff out there somehow.