Bad Jokes

[Vault Citizen]

( Bask in my comedic glory...)

I have a note from my doctor that says I'm not allowed to bask in other people's glory, may I be excused?

(both a response to your comment and a bad joke in its own right muawahahaha

Spoiler

A man walks into a bar, his alcoholism is destroying his family.

A Chinese couple gets married.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring,
I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you, I give you
anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"

"I wanna try numma 69 that I hear people talk about", she replies.

He responds, "You wanna beef with bloccolli?"

A dyslexic man walked into a bra....

Does the fact that I laughed at those jokes speak well of the jokes or poorly of me?

The worst joke I have ever made happened by accident, I was thinking of jokes about disabled people, I then thought about common ways to begin a joke that could work with multiple characters and scenarios.

The end result (which I have only shared with one other person before) was

(spoiler tags because I still feel a little bit guilty about the joke ]

Spoiler

"a disabled person walks into a bar, oh wait..."

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

 

[drh1975]

Two peanuts walk into a bar. They were assaulted.

 

[thatonedude11]

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

[ParanoidAndroid]

A child says to his mother "When I grow up I want to be a drummer" His mother replies "Sorry, you can't do both.

Venison's dear isn't it?
My local stationery store is moving.

Chicken's foul isn't it?

 

[AstylahAthrys]

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.


What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.


Why did the woman leave the kitchen?
She had just prepared her breakfast and was late for her full-time job as a firefighter.

 

[Bobic]

And the barman said 'so, what can I get you?'. A neutrino walked into a bar.

TOPICAL PHYSICS HUMOUR!!!!!

 

[Dreadman75]

Two men walked into a bar. Then they yelled "OW!"

 

[Frezz]

Two men walked into a bar. Then they yelled "OW!"

You'd think one of 'em woulda seen it.

 

[Frezz]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

 

[Tortilla the Hun]

I think I used to be a twin, my mother claims to have pictures from when I was two.

 

[VincentX3]

In soviet Russia bad joke tells you!
or something like that...

 

[AquaAscension]

I've tried to solve the root of your negativity, but all I get are imaginary answers.

 

[WhyBotherToTry]

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's head when he hits the window? His arse.

Two numbers were playing together. One was the number 5 and one was the square root of minus 4. 5's mother looked at them and thought, it's great that he has an imaginary friend.

 

[kazeryu]

why can't Einstein build a house??
because he only has ein stein

 

[The Ouroboros of Red]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

 

[Crazy]

What's white and slimy?

Milk.

 

[Eddy-16]

A horse walks into a bar, several people leave seeing the danger in this situation

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple, getting raped

If live gives you melons you maybe be dyslexic

A man walks into a bar and asks for a glass of H2O, the man next to him decides this sounds nice and asks for a glass of H2O too, he drinks it and dies.

 

[liger03]

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roman Catholic.
*jumps off a cliff*

 

[similar.squirrel]

Here's a disgusting one my housemate told me.

Spoiler: Read at your own risk, and leave your political correctness at the door

Q: How are women similar to washing-machines?
A: They both leak when they're fucked

Doesn't really make sense, but I cringe every time I think about it. Yech.