Being forced to move(sort of)

[SquirrelPants]

This is only the second time I have ever had to come to a forum for advice, but I just feel like there are not enough people who would give good advice in my usual IRCs and stuff. I don't know if there's room for this in one of the more general threads but I just need to get some help here.

My parents are separated, sort of. They are still married and they want to STAY married, but my dad had to move from Idaho to Missouri recently for what is basically a dream job. Since my parents have a lot of friends in Missouri, it was pretty much fine and dandy.

Well, except for my mom, who is all sorts of torn apart about not being with her husband. She cries a lot more than she ever has in my lifetime, because her older daughter is also moving out. She is staying in Idaho long enough for me to finish high school. The issue that lies therein is that I will NOT be eighteen upon leaving high school. It will be around three months or so(after the next school year starts up) that I will be old enough to legally live on my own and such. She is not going to wait that long for me, however, and the plan is, upon completing my senior year next year, I will be made to move to Missouri. I don't want this in the slightest. I have lived in Idaho my whole life.

My mother keeps using the excuses "there are good colleges there, and they are all free"(I am not sure how true this is, but it would be much cheaper there to go to college regardless apparently.) and "you won't be able to afford to live on your own!" which is entirely true. I am 16, I have no job, I have applied for many and I just cannot secure an income. I want nothing more than to just stay in Idaho until I am comfortable with moving, which isn't going to happen it seems.

Now, I'm in Missouri with my dad for two weeks to visit, and my parents are trying to push me to decide to move here BEFORE THE SCHOOL YEAR. I want nothing LESS than to live here in the first place, let alone abandoning my friends and my last year of school for a state I don't like with no one I know aside from my parents' friends. While I admit the job my dad went to take was a great decision, I don't ever want to live down here.

They're now offering me 2000 dollars to build a computer for myself if I move with them here before the school year starts. It sucks that my mom is feeling awful about this, it sucks that I would have to move to fix it. I care a lot about how she feels, but I am ALREADY a largely unstable person with a lot of stupid issues to go along with her, and I don't think I could take the stress of losing all that I have known for my life without a large breakdown and becoming even more of a loner than I already am.

I guess I don't know exactly what my question is. I know I can't please everybody, but do I have to sacrifice my own mental state to make my mom happy, or should I blissfully continue doing my own thing while she feels awful all the time? Do I take the computer? Should I try to move in with a friend's family until I have enough of my own backing to move out?(something which my parents are both very much against and probably wouldn't allow me to do in the first place.)

It also doesn't help that I am getting ready to go through something very hard for ANYONE to do and my parents are not aware of it

Spoiler

(I am transgendered and I need to go through the process of telling everyone and then actually making myself look the way I feel.)

Yeah, there's a lot to this I guess. Sorry for the long post. Please try to help, though. :\

 

[Berethond]

Maybe going to Missouri and getting a fresh start on things will do you some good?

Getting a fresh start in a new place did absolute wonders for me when I was younger.

 

[Azure Sky]

Mind if I ask you the time frame of reaching 18 vs needing to move?

There are a few ways that this can benefit all involved if they are willing to talk about it.

 

[Avistew]

Considering the spoiler part... Maybe you can come out to your parents and agree to move now if they let you be your real safe? Your high school teacher would have to use the right pronouns, etc... Would that make you feel better about the move?

Otherwise, I understand it's hard... For you and for your mom. Is there really no relative or friend you could live with to stay in Idaho? Otherwise I would tell your mom that a year at her age and in her life situation isn't as major as a year at your age and in your situation... sorry for her, it just isn't. And I know how it sucks to be separated from someone you love, as I'm in France and my fiancé is in the US and it make take us another year before we can be together (as I need to eventually move to the US permanently) but I also remember school and how much you need stability at that time.
After high school, it's already a new start, a new school, new people. As much as I had friends in high school I only ever stayed in contact with them through facebook once high school was over, so it's possible moving then wouldn't make such a huge difference.
But you've lived all your life in Idaho and you want some closure, at least completing high school.

So, that's my suggestion... Telling your parents you'll move if they'll let you be your gender (provided you feel able to do that, and you actually want to try being you in your new school... which maybe you don't) or otherwise explain how you feel and try and find a way to stay without your mom having to. Maybe the parents of a friend of yours would be willing to have you stay with them if you provide some day to day services? You can try something like that.

 

[aba1]

I know this isnt what you want to hear but well shit happens you gotta just suck it up n deal with it. Your only 16 anyways after graduating you lose most of your highschool friends anyways. Hell I go to college in the same city I went to highschool and I still never see most of my highschool friends people all just move on so dont even worry about it just roll with things.

 

[jobu59749]

I know this sounds bad and like zero help, but this is not just one problem that can be solved easily as you have stated that you have many other issues with life and yourself to work out.

Short answer, your mothers problems are not your problems. Worry about you, helping and fixing you, and worry about her emotional issues last. This is something all parents go through in terms of parting with their children etc. She'll move on and get over it. If not, then she needs to seek professional help. I strongly advise you do the same.

If you really want to stay, you can emancipate from your parents, but that's legal stuff I don't know a lot about...you sound like a smart kid if your 16 and coming into your senior year of high school, do some research.

Again, the issues go deeper than just your mom's emotions over older sibling leaving, you not wanting to go etc. If you parent's don't know about your lifestyle choices, that makes it more complicated. If your not totally secure with a job/life/yourself (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually) you're going to always feel bad about how your decisions effect others.

The term "Self-Centered" has been mutated to some derogatory form that means people are too selfish. The reality, people should be "self-centered." It's important to focus on you, what's important to you, and how to make you a better person in your own eyes.

If you are thinking about everything in your post and want to seriously make a move....grow up and make adult decisions, stop thinking like a child.

Again, not being mean, just stating how the real world works.

 

[SquirrelPants]

Hi y'all. I wrote that about midnight last night and I was kind of hysterical at the time, so it is probably a little more melodramatic and childish than it needs to sound. Regardless, though, thank you for all the advice.

Maybe going to Missouri and getting a fresh start on things will do you some good?

Getting a fresh start in a new place did absolute wonders for me when I was younger.

A fresh start might be nice for me eventually, but at the moment I just don't want to miss out on my last year of high school in my hometown. I won't mind it so much after the school year ends, but I can't decide if it's worth my mother's mental health to have my own. The fact that they offered me the computer(not jokingly, they were definitely serious) just made me think that my mom really needs to be with her husband and it made me feel awful for being kind of selfish, since most parents in my mom's position would have just moved away with their husbands in the first place.

Mind if I ask you the time frame of reaching 18 vs needing to move?

There are a few ways that this can benefit all involved if they are willing to talk about it.

Well, I'll be 18 around 3-4 months after the school year ends, and my mom wants to move immediately when the year ends.

Considering the spoiler part... Maybe you can come out to your parents and agree to move now if they let you be your real safe? Your high school teacher would have to use the right pronouns, etc... Would that make you feel better about the move?

Otherwise, I understand it's hard... For you and for your mom. Is there really no relative or friend you could live with to stay in Idaho? Otherwise I would tell your mom that a year at her age and in her life situation isn't as major as a year at your age and in your situation... sorry for her, it just isn't. And I know how it sucks to be separated from someone you love, as I'm in France and my fiancé is in the US and it make take us another year before we can be together (as I need to eventually move to the US permanently) but I also remember school and how much you need stability at that time.
After high school, it's already a new start, a new school, new people. As much as I had friends in high school I only ever stayed in contact with them through facebook once high school was over, so it's possible moving then wouldn't make such a huge difference.
But you've lived all your life in Idaho and you want some closure, at least completing high school.

So, that's my suggestion... Telling your parents you'll move if they'll let you be your gender (provided you feel able to do that, and you actually want to try being you in your new school... which maybe you don't) or otherwise explain how you feel and try and find a way to stay without your mom having to. Maybe the parents of a friend of yours would be willing to have you stay with them if you provide some day to day services? You can try something like that.

That's...a surprisingly good idea. The only problem is I don't exactly look totally female, but I suppose that's just an issue to be solved. I'm still not sure how safe I am to tell my parents about it, though, so that's the only problem.

And, yeah, I do want closure. Finishing high school feels like something you shouldn't move to a new school for, just because I have been with the same people for such a long time, all between 3 and 12 years.

I tried to convince my mom to let me stay with someone else, but she's dead-set on the idea that doing that would make her a bad parent. As far as I can tell, it's either I'm moving now or I'm moving next summer.

I know this isnt what you want to hear but well shit happens you gotta just suck it up n deal with it. Your only 16 anyways after graduating you lose most of your highschool friends anyways. Hell I go to college in the same city I went to highschool and I still never see most of my highschool friends people all just move on so dont even worry about it just roll with things.

The thing about this is that I know I probably won't spend too much time with friends following high school. Everyone kind of shuffles around the country. And it isn't really and issue of "rolling with things." I'm VERY good at going with the flow. This is really a matter of deciding whether I value my mental wellbeing and potential grades over my mother's mental wellbeing. And I'm honestly not sure which is true. They're kind of putting me on the spot to make the decision.

I know this sounds bad and like zero help, but this is not just one problem that can be solved easily as you have stated that you have many other issues with life and yourself to work out.

Short answer, your mothers problems are not your problems. Worry about you, helping and fixing you, and worry about her emotional issues last. This is something all parents go through in terms of parting with their children etc. She'll move on and get over it. If not, then she needs to seek professional help. I strongly advise you do the same.

If you really want to stay, you can emancipate from your parents, but that's legal stuff I don't know a lot about...you sound like a smart kid if your 16 and coming into your senior year of high school, do some research.

Again, the issues go deeper than just your mom's emotions over older sibling leaving, you not wanting to go etc. If you parent's don't know about your lifestyle choices, that makes it more complicated. If your not totally secure with a job/life/yourself (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually) you're going to always feel bad about how your decisions effect others.

The term "Self-Centered" has been mutated to some derogatory form that means people are too selfish. The reality, people should be "self-centered." It's important to focus on you, what's important to you, and how to make you a better person in your own eyes.

If you are thinking about everything in your post and want to seriously make a move....grow up and make adult decisions, stop thinking like a child.

Again, not being mean, just stating how the real world works.

I'm actually not entirely sure how to respond to this one, sorry. I know it's a lot of issues and such, and it's kind of a lose-lose situation. Someone's gonna spend a year feeling awful no matter what we do.

 

[Azure Sky]

Mind if I ask you the time frame of reaching 18 vs needing to move?

There are a few ways that this can benefit all involved if they are willing to talk about it.

Well, I'll be 18 around 3-4 months after the school year ends, and my mom wants to move immediately when the year ends.

3-4 Months isn't a whole lot when you think about it.
If you/your parents are not against you living away from them after you turn 18, there are a few ways you can go about it.
A: Bunk down at a friends after the move, that way you aren't living 'by yourself' until the appropriate time.
B: Move with, but treat it as a holiday, moving back after your birthday.