Best Jokes You Got

[Chase Yojimbo]

I'm sure that everyone has a joke that always makes others laugh. Some are dirty, some are political, some are kiddy, some are downright horrible, but they make you laugh if they are told juuuuust right.

Let me start off.

Pierre Trudeau (Ex-Prime Minister) goes to a Halloween Party naked with a potatoe stuck on his dork. When people ask what he is, he sais, "I am a Dick-tater!"

 

[jakko12345]

From sickipedia's main page-

I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.

Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"

A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.

What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.

 

[MrGameluvr92]

Bill Gates dies and finds himself standing before God. God says to him, "Because of the life you led Bill, I'm going to let you choose where to go." Bill says, "What's the difference between Heaven and Hell exactly?" God says that he could take Bill to both to see what they're like and Bill says, "Let's go to Hell first." So they go to Hell and here's what they see: a beautiful beach with soft sand and clear blue water. There's gorgeous women everywhere playing volleyball and swimming. Bill says, "Wow, this is amazing! I wonder what Heaven is like?" So they go to Heaven next. It's pretty much like you would imagine, clouds everywhere with angels playing golden instruments. Bill says, "I think I'll take Hell instead." So God sends Bill Gates to Hell. Two weeks later God decides to check in on Bill. He finds Bill being tortured by demons and says, "How are things Bill?" Bill says, "God, this is terrible! Where are the women? Where's the beach?"

God says, "Oh, that was just the screensaver."

 

[BENZOOKA]

I actually don't know but one proper joke, because I'm really absent-minded and bad at remembering things like jokes, which you don't usually think about afterwards at all. It's long and has to be said IRL personally for best results. Also, I can't be bothered to translate it.

But I'll throw this on the table: Why did the mushroom go to a party? - He is fungi.

Brilliant.

 

[oreopizza47]

Personally, I have a taste for anti-jokes thanks to my idiotic friends. My favorite is this:

A white guy, a Chinese guy, a black guy, an Irishman, and a Mexican are all walking down the street. They are part of a parade celebrating racial equality.

 

[MrGameluvr92]

A man walks into a bar and orders four shots of an extremely expensive thirty-year-old Scotch. The moment the bartender gives the man the shots he downs them one after the other. The bartender says, "Man, you must really be in a hurry." The man replies, "You would be if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What's that?" The man replies with, "Fifty cents."

 

[NeedAUserName]

I remember when joke threads used to be feared by all, as inevitably someone made a dead-baby/offensive joke and got themselves I nice little ban.

But heres mine anyway:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

[Layzor]

I'm prepared to give up my favorite joke of all time but as it's a pun, I'm never sure how I should write it out.

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he needed a poo.

 

[Twilight_guy]

Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, ?Can I make you a double??

*Crickets* Note to self: don't retell jokes from your college Database Management Professor.

 

[SnootyEnglishman]

A comes into a bar with a horse and says "i'll buy anyone a beer if they can make my horse laugh." So 20 men line up and all fail. Then another guy goes in and when he exits the horse is laughing heartily. A week later the guy comes back in and says "okay i'll buy anyone a round if they can make my horse cry. Same 20 men line and again all of them fail. Then the same guy goes back in and when he exits the horse is crying so hard mucus is coming from its nose. The horse owner pulls the man aside and asks him how he did it. The man says "oh to make him laugh i told him i had a bigger dick than him. Then to make him cry i proved it."

 

[ten.to.ten]

What did the constipated mathematician do?
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He worked it out with a pencil.

 

[Dirty Hipsters]

A good man dies and goes to heaven. Heaven looks exactly as it's always imagined in media, harps are playing, angels are floating everywhere, clouds, etc. Well after a few weeks the guy gets bored of it all, so he goes to God and asks if he could go on vacation to Hell for a couple of days. God says "sure, no problem."

The guys goes to hell, and there's whore houses and alcohol, and he parties every night, but after his two days are up he goes back up to heaven. A few days later he's bored again, so he asks God if he can go to Hell for a week. God says it's ok, so he goes. While he's down there he has the time of his life.

After the week is up he goes back to Heaven and tells God "hey, I've had a lot of fun in Hell, could I stay there permanently?" God tells him "whatever you want," and sends him to Hell. When he goes down again devils start jabbing him with pitchforks, and dunking him in the lack of fire. He screams in agony, "WHAT GIVES GOD?!" and God replies, "Vacationing is never quite like an immigration is it?"

 

[Jamous]

Have you heard of the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned into a field.

 

[Tsunimo]

A white guy, a Chinese guy, a black guy, an Irishman, and a Mexican are all walking down the street. They are part of a parade celebrating racial equality.

Is it weird that this one made me laugh more than any of the others?

OT:I can't think of one, so I'll say this:
EDIT: Found a better one.
What does a teenage boy have in common with Helicase? They both want to unzip your jeans.

 

[Scorched_Cascade]

Spoiler: long but funny (better than my later joke) SatW comic

BBC News:Musician Wyclef Jean shot in hand
I can see several jokes right there about a certain breach of contract or which hand he shot in etc.

Why was six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

~sickipedia

 

[Rough Sausage]

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?


You can't hear an enzyme.

 

[Drunkenclam]

Why do women have boobs? So we got something to look at while were talkin to them.

 

[Neverhoodian]

So this guy walks into a bar.

He says "Ow! Who the hell put this bar here?"

...

Yeah, this is why I'm not a comedian.

 

[thom_cat_]

I have a huuuuuge file full of jokes... so I shall just post this one, which isn't really a pun-like joke but is still funny.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

[Embz]

Snip

I have this on a poster! Never fails to make me laugh