Best jokes

[vento 231]

What is your favorite joke you've ever heard?
I just heard some call of duty jokes.
I'm so good at CoD...
My K/D ratio's better than hitlers
I get more care packages than Haiti
the next one isn't the most appropriate, nothing racial...

Spoiler

I get more first bloods then a middle schools girl's bathroom

 

[crudus]

According to wikipedia, it is statistically

Spoiler: This

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Spoiler: second

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

Spoiler: Although this was funniest in the UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off ? go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

[TeeBs]

 

[Sacman]

Spoiler: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, feminists can't change anything...

 

[Instant K4rma]

Well, I was on this airplane once, and I'm sitting there, and the captain comes on over the speakers, talking about how we'll be cruisin' at 35,000 feet and all that. Well, when he's done talking he forgets to turn his mic off and sets it down. Next thing I know, he turns to the co-pilot and says "Man, what I wouldn't give right now for a cup of coffee and a blow job." So this gets announced over the whole plane, and a stewardess just goes fuckin' bombing up from the back of the plane to tell the pilot that his mic is still on. She comes flyin' past me, and some guy leans out and yells "Hey hun, don't forget the coffee!"

(Cookies for reference.)

 

[arcstone]

A woman calls the doctor, telling him she thinks shes so ugly she can never find true love, and does not want to live anymore. "how do I kill myself" she asks. "Just shoot yourself under your breast", he says.

The next morning she comes into the doctors office with a broken kneecap.

 

[HT_Black]

Okay, I've got a pair, but they're both race jokes. It's okay because my mum was black and most of my friends are minorities, or something.

Q: Why didn't the black guy want his daughter to marry the Mexican?
A: He was afraid the children would be too lazy to steal.

Q: What's the only thing two Jews can agree upon?
A: How much a third should give to the temple.

FOR THE RECORD: I don't believe either of those stereotypes. They were employed specifically for comedic purposes and do not in any way shape or form represent my beliefs or tendencies.