Best thing you have ever heard someone say?

[lRookiel]

Ok so my parents bug me about having NO social life (They don't know I talk the lovely people on the escapist obviously). Yesterday I went downstairs to grab my evening meal and my dad offered me some beer or cider. Me not being a drinking kind of person I declined the offer, this seemed to upset my mother in some way and she proceeded to say the FUNNIEST AND MOST STUPID THING IN THE WORLD. She was full on shouting this by the way.

"What is wrong with you?! You don't drink! you don't smoke! you don't have sex! What do you do?!"

And so I replied "Are you encouraging me to smoke, drink and have sex with strangers?" at which point she just froze speechless and I burst out laughing. She meant everything she said because later that evening I asked my mum "you weren't being serious about what you said earlier right?" She replied "well you don't do anything else, you have no vices" Saying it like it's a bad thing. My mum is so backward sometimes I swear XD .

Anyway, what is the best thing you have ever heard someone say? It doesn't have to be directed towards you, it could be a piece of a conversation you heard in the street. Try not to use things from the TV, internet or movies etc.

 

[Erja_Perttu]

"You don't drink! you don't smoke! What do you do?!"

OT: The best thing I've ever had anyone say to me was a scientist I once knew. he was trying to make a point about the uncertainty principle or the observer effect or something. He could tell I wasn't getting it, so he just said,

Look, it's like saying that all dark matter is made of caterpillars.

To this day i still have no idea what that means or what it had to do with what we were talking about.

 

[shrekfan246]

"If he was coming at me with a knife, yeah, I'd punt that baby so hard, I don't even care, we can make more!"

I wonder if I should give the context or not...

Spoiler: Well, I'll put it in a spoiler box.

My friend and I were on our way back from the movies and, as friends do, were talking about some ridiculous, silly things. The topic somehow ran along to the discussion of what would happen if a baby were to charge at one of us carrying a knife or scissors, and at first my friend clarified that he might not kick the baby like a football if it were his own, but then amended it with the previous statement. Which inevitably led to dead baby jokes and jokes about his theoretical wife leaving him and/or discovering the body, meaning, oh man, he'd have to kill her too so the information doesn't get out, and then, being an incompetent criminal, he'd just be piling the bodies up underneath a couch and eventually there would just be a mountain of dead bodies and the only thing left to do would be douse the place in gasoline and set it ablaze.

... we talk about some messed-up shit. I feel like the context might be even more messed up than the quote[footnote]And feel the need to clarify that neither of us are actually serial killers.[/footnote], so I'll use another one from the same person. The context for this one is that it was about nine years ago, when we were both around the age of 12, and it's yelled out the window of a car as we drove by a young female college student:

"Will you buy me a Creemee?!"

Since I'm led to believe that 'Creemee' is mostly a New England thing, it's just soft serve ice cream.

 

[Supercereal]

My friend and i were sitting on his back deck obviously partaking in beverages and he throws out the gem
"I want to punch a moose in its stupid moose face"
needless to say it stuck with me

 

[Launcelot111]

Back in the day, I was sitting around with a couple friends of mine (all of us male) when one completely out of nowhere says "I bet if you guys tried to rape me, I wouldn't be able to stop you." Needless to say, we never let him live that gem down.

 

[Flamezdudes]

My best friends and I were discussing weird stuff last night, it eventually led to a discussion on feet. One of my friends then proceeded to say that...

"Feet are just hands with tiny fingers!"

I then laughed for a whole minute straight.

 

[Fat Hippo]

And the moral is: never let Death give birth to your children!

He was trying to tell a story they had examined in school, but he was very high, and became confused. I'm pretty sure that isn't the moral of the original tale.

 

[Scarim Coral]

"You're really funny, you know that?"

Abit of a background on me, I am NOT a funny guy at all, I'm terrible at telling jokes or trying to make people laugh (that E.T joke stunt I pulled back in High School was proof of my unability to be funny).
This was the first year of University when I was getting to know the other student I will be with in my corse so we hang out alot to get to know each other more. It happen when we were at one of my mate flat (which his place is awesome) and we were just chatting about stuff. I just happen to make a few witty remarks (can't remember what it was) and one guy was laughing from it quite alot which he then said that. I pretty much took that as a complemet given to my status and my past trying to be funny.

 

[Pimwing]

"Nah, the car won't go faster then 160."

So this was my mum telling me at the dinner table that the family car would not go faster then 160 km/h. Not the day before when I came back from Germany driving the same car I hit 230 on the autobahn. (probably could have pushed it further but the chassis started to seriously shake)

I really had to concentrate on my food....

 

[Athol]

Why does Graham purple?

Me and a friend of mine where watching tv at his place, when he spouted that little gem. (Graham being his younger brother)
We both laughed, and he said he'd actually meant to ask a question about the show we where watching, but that was what came out.

 

[repeating integers]

I've said this before, I'll say it again:

Should I give Gandalf a Jetpack?

From a friend. I refuse to tell you the context.

 

[Auron225]

Among 3 of my friends and I sitting beside a river;

"Wow, look at all those fish there!"
"I think they're Chinese, aren't they?"
"That's terrible!! Chinese people look nothing like that!"

 

[King of Asgaard]

"What is wrong with you?! You don't drink! you don't smoke! you don't have sex! What do you do?!"

Hey, I'm like that too! We can be anti-social together!

OT: Off the top of my head:-
"Badassfully, dammit, you big, stupid jellyfish. I'm just three solar days from retirement."
In my defence, my brother told me that line before I heard the original.

 

[lRookiel]

"What is wrong with you?! You don't drink! you don't smoke! you don't have sex! What do you do?!"

Hey, I'm like that too! We can be anti-social together!

OT: Off the top of my head:-
"Badassfully, dammit, you big, stupid jellyfish. I'm just three solar days from retirement."
In my defence, my brother told me that line before I heard the original.

YEAH!

Social outcast powers activate!

The fact that I just said that further reinforces the fact that I am indeed a social outcast. -.-

 

[x EvilErmine x]

A massively fat man and woman of equally epic proportion come into my work, they have a tiny new born with them.

Friend: How the hell did they manage that then?

Me: Manage what?

Friend: Having a kid.

Me: Umm let me see, how do I explain this?...when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much..

Friend: Ha ha funny, what I mean is how the hell did they do the deed? I cant figure it out, I mean look at the size of them it's logistically impossible, unless....man that dude must be hung like a stallion!

Me: It's deeply disturbing to me that you have given it that much thought...I just wanted to let you know that.

 

[The Diabolical Biz]

A friend of mine sent me a text the other day that said 'I am a cancerous hitler slug.'

I'm not gonna explain the context but that happened.

Spoiler: Warning: Extremely puerile.

I don't know how it happened, but I had a conversation with a friend the other day about a theoretical superhero called 'The Skedaddler'. His origin story was that he was having an x-ray on his nuts and the doctor had to go off somewhere (skedaddle) and the x ray became supercharged and left him with a giant pair of super-testicles. He had two catchphrases: 'Skedaddle, crime', and 'Taste my hairy balls of justice.' The conversation deteriorated into a series of testicle jokes (a proposed alternate catchphrase was 'You're teste-ing my patience') centred around him and his sidekick 'The Teabag Tyke,' which was just wrong on so many levels I can't even begin to fathom it. He kept stuff in his nuts, which he called his 'Testicle Receptacles,' and he travelled around town by using his prodigious sack as a giant space hopper.

I really can't explain how that happened, or why, but I laughed far more than I should have.

 

[DrRockor]

A girl I knew said:

"I want to go to the Eurovision Song Contest for America"

We just stared at her till she realised how dumb what she said was. She wasn't even American or a good singer. It was really dumb and weird in equal proportions

 

[Dogstile]

I was sat in the doctors, two old blokes were talking across from me and all I heard was "when my wife dies, i'm gonna get one of those thailand brides, I can't wait".

Took all of my willpower not to burst out laughing.

 

[TheCrapMaster]

Well wasent anything anyone said but during a geography test in school when we were 14 years, and my friend couldent find the answer for the island furthest to the east on the map to asia was"japan". He said it was "west korea", and this is from a guy who loved samurais and found asian stuff cool.

So whenever he tries to be smart, we always point out that atleast we dont call the island of japan that is east of korea for West korea. The saying is 11years old and we are far from over when it comes to pestering him with it.