Best thing you have ever heard someone say?

[lRookiel]

I was sat in the doctors, two old blokes were talking across from me and all I heard was "when my wife dies, i'm gonna get one of those thailand brides, I can't wait".

Took all of my willpower not to burst out laughing.

I just did a signature Jontron "WHAT?!" out of shock when I read that a few minutes ago. I didn't realize it is 1 in the morning and I woke up my dad, he was pretty pissed off at me. Still thank you so much for telling me this.

I sounded EXACTLY like this, I didn't even know my voice could go that high. You may have just got me in trouble but I couldn't give two shits.

 

[White_Lama]

This happened when I was a young lad and my family were on a little trip going somewhere.

We stopped for lunch/sandwiches near a river with some rapids in it, and since me and my siblings were quite wild ones my father out of concern told us this:

"This river is probably really deep."
And then he calmly picked up a big rock and threw it about halfway out into the river, where it promptly bounced of the bottom on the river and up in the air again.

Turns out the river was about a foot deep, and it was just extremely murky that day.


Nevertheless, that is one of quite a few gems my family has managed to capture on our homevideos.

I've said this before, I'll say it again:

Should I give Gandalf a Jetpack?

From a friend. I refuse to tell you the context.

ALWAYS give Gandalf a jetpack.

 

[snappydog]

I know the OP says no stuff from movies, but before I'd ever seen Lucky Number Slevin, which I believe it's from, a friend of mine said this when I asked him what he was going to say in response to a job offer:
'I'm gonna say the same thing that the man with two penises says when the tailor asks him if he dresses on the right or the left side. YES.'

 

[Worgen]

In my first job my boss told me I was dusting sarcastically then he wrote me up.

 

[Shinsei-J]

"Eww no, fruit mince pies are minced meat and fruit"
My friend said this near Christmas this year and she will never live it down.
It's going to be a new Christmas tradition to rag on her about it.

 

[Euryalus]

For ego purposes, this
http://twitpic.com/b5xfvm

Look at that recognition!

For seriousness, I was in biology class, and the professor was trying to explain how cows were able to get the bacteria in their stomachs to digest their food. She asked the guy next to me "You've seen how baby cows lick their mothers?" and he, without missing a beat goes "No, but I'm sure they do, go on..."

It was just how he said it idk XD

 

[Voulan]

"I love you so much, you're just so amazing! I wish I was like you!"

Says a person I didn't even know to me while we were sitting in a group talking about nothing in particular. It's the best total stranger comment I've ever had, and she completely meant it.

I felt all warm inside.

 

[josemlopes]

Why dont they ever do rises go down?

(had to use the translator on this one due to the original language being portuguese)

Basicly we were climbing a really long set of stairs in the street and he was getting tired untill he decided to ask why dont people make "rises" (the portuguese word used meant "the act of going up") go down.

Its a bit hard to explain here but its like saying "Why dont they ever make closed doors open?", like being closed and opened at the same time.

... I dont care, it was funny at the time!

 

[Mocmocman]

I once mentioned in a series of rambling to my sister with the ground-shattering revelation that "Everyone's people". We still joke about it.

Edited for spelling and word choice.

 

[octafish]

"You don't drink! you don't smoke! What do you do?!"

OT: The best thing I've ever had anyone say to me was a scientist I once knew. he was trying to make a point about the uncertainty principle or the observer effect or something. He could tell I wasn't getting it, so he just said,

Look, it's like saying that all dark matter is made of caterpillars.

To this day i still have no idea what that means or what it had to do with what we were talking about.

First thing I thought of reading the OP too.

My sister once angrily yelled at me when she was a teenager and I refused to turn my stereo down "I'm a poo-head!", you wouldn't think that simply transposing I'm for You're would be so funny but combining it with poo-head still makes me laugh almost fifteen years later.

 

[Distance_warrior]

This is a transcript of what happened during a D&D game.

DM: you come to a spiral staircase looking up you can see the same ethereal light the filled the room you passed through to get here and down below you see an unnatural darkness what do you do.

Me: I think we should see what's down I don't want to miss anything.

JD: No the obvious thing to do is go up down has death trap written all over it

Me: That's the point we can take it. we were sent to purge this tower and how can we if we leave death traps lying everywhere. we need to go down.

JD: UP!

Me: Down!

JD: UP!

Me: Down!

JD: UP!

Me: Down!

GT: More Energy!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJdMjRHRLfg

 

[Superior Mind]

A very introverted and shy friend of mine was at a social gathering, he had been drinking to loosen himself up. A group of mates were talking about the use of the word "****" and how it really isn't all that bad. The introverted friend hadn't met another one of the people in this discussion and decided introductions were in order during a brief lull in conversation.

He struck out his hand and said "Speaking of cunts, what's your name?"

One of the best examples of unintentional and unexpected humour I've come across.

 

[Fuzzed]

Any time a girl answers "yes" when I ask them to come home with me.

 

[noxymoron19]

This drunk girl I was drove home once was talking about this girl she was dancing with and she described her like this. "She smelt like subway napkins." Theres no use being DD when you can't stop laughing for your life

 

[Morpheu5]

Years ago a good mate of mine had just moved to Australia from Scotland. The morning after we'd moved him into his new abode he rang me asking for me to come down and give assistance. In a panic, his accent was out of control. "Calm down" I said, "Whats the problem?"....... "THE MOOSE IS LOOSE IN THE HOOSE!!!!!!" he shouted. "What?" said I, "Should i bring a rifle?"........... anyway, after arriving at his place ten minutes later i found a MOUSE loose in his HOUSE. Gotta love them Scots. After a few beers at the pub later that day and the mouse had grown into moose status anyway, i think it even had antlers. Being that this crazy Scotsman ended up marrying an Irish woman, the beer fuelled shenannigans and conversations that have ensued are just legendary. And their kids? Well i'll just leave that up to your own imagination. Theyre fantastic

 

[prophecy2514]

Watching tv at night with parents and family friends, was an AFL game I think.

Anyway an add for some telecommunication/mobile phone retailer comes on, the presenter has a very charismatic personality, but also is wearing what a grey wig to cover his clearly balding head.
We all had watched this add, it was hard not to with this presenters voice and appearance. My father, the naive soul that he is, says
"Well, that guys gotten a bit of a headjob hasn't he?"

I literally rolled onto the floor, off the couch, laughing, and didnt stop for at least 5-10 minutes. It's the funniest and most random thing i've ever heard my dad say.

 

[SweetShark]

Well, I said that many times before here, but I will posted again, because my friend it is absolutely right about that:

*copy/paste from other Thread, cause I am lazy*

Well, as I said previously in another threads is "Every single human on Earth is weird"

Sure, maybe you will say next "but I am not weird! I am trying to live my life as normal as possible!!! The people they like obscure things are the weird ones!!!"

Are you very sure about that?
Did you ask them yourself what they think about your personal "taste" in life?
Maybe the other discover a habit you have that in the end will find it "weird" for their own taste.
And I am not talking about only sex. I am talking for everything related in the personal life of anyone.

I will admit, I am not the sanest human being out there, but I live this kind of life because I am happy with that and I don't find this weird.

Of course you have any kind of right to think I am weird, and in return the same I can say for you if I find something weird from you. An opinion is an opinion of course and I respect it [at a "logical" level of course].

So in the end, all of us are normal because we believe so, even in reality we all of us are weird to the eyes of others they don't accept a different kind of "perpective" in their ideas.

That for me and thank you for hearing me.

 

[Lynx]

A reply in a Swedish newspaper.

Elisabeth Sandlund (editor in chief of "Dagen", a Christian paper):
"I can't find a single quote in the bible that supports the idea of same-sex marriage."

Reply from KG Hammar (former arch bishop):
"No, but you'll find plenty that support that women should be quiet. So you be careful with the bible."

 

[ClockworkPenguin]

My sister once told me an anecdote that went like this:
'Her to a friend: Hey, someone wrote gullible on the ceiling
Friend: *looks up*, *scowls*
the best bit, apparently they where outside at the time. I don't know if its true, but I really hope it is.

 

[R4ptur3]

I'm sure I'll remember something better but at this point:

'I love video games, star wars and anime' said my new 35 year old manager.

Also an Englishman with a mixed-race background said to me 'fucking blacks, how did he even get in our country'. Turned out the guy he was talking about was English. Many lol's followed.