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The Boondock Saints is ten-year old movie set in Boston, Ireland. The story revolves around two hitman brothers who go around killing heretics for their contractor, Jesus, and a group of supernatural detectives trying to catch them.
Plot
The film starts with the two main characters sitting in a church as a priest gives a sermon. They walk to the statue of Christ in the church, then turn around and open fire at the churchgoers. Those hit by the bullets are revealed to be demons as they die, having worn the skin of humans in an attempt to infiltrate Boston's society. The priest pulls out a shotgun and assists the brothers as they slaughter the demons.
Once the shooting is over, all three put on their sunglasses and awesome Irish music plays followed by a montage and title drop.
The music continues after the montage as the brothers, know revealed to be Conner and Murphy, get in a slow-motion gunfight with a lesbian in a meat factory. Conner ends up punching the lesbian so hard she flies through a wall and the entire meat factory collapses.
Once the music has ended, Conner and Murphy are hanging around in a pub celebrating St. Patty's with their fellow irishmen and Rocco, and italian mafia beardo. Conflict occurs when the irishmen get in an argument with some Russian gangsters over who's more Irish. While the irish are from Ireland, the Russians learned how to make beer from a potato, which is a pretty fucking irish thing to do. The two groups decide to resolve the argument with fisticuffs.
The movie skips forward to the next day, where three bumbling detectives/ghostbusters have shown up to investigate a crime scene where several russians have been killed and a nazi ghost has been reported. CIA agent Smecker arrives on the scene and reveals that the deceased russians were elite soldiers of the USSR, making the murders a federal matter. He walks around like a pansy while listening to classical music then comes to the conclusion that the ghost killed the russians.
The two brothers arrive at the police station where the detectives live and reveal that they are responsible for the murders. They tell Smecker that after the barfight with the russians, they broke into the brothers' home and attempted to shoot Murphy. Conner got handcuffed to the toilet, which had been the longtime home of Adolf Hitler's ghost. Conner made the deal with Hitler's ghost, saying he would release him if he killed the Russian soldiers. Adolf agreed and saved Murphy at the last second, then got the hell out of dodge.
Smecker wants to arrest Conner and Murphy for this crime, but they reveal that they're working for Jesus Christ, so any illegal things done by them are Christ's responsibility.
Conner and Murphy then head over the Jesus' gunstore, where the man-god himself gives them each a pair of Heaven Guns that draw bullets from alternate dimensions and so never run out of ammo. The two brothers then decide to crash a Russian mob party and kill everyone, since they don't like commies and the Don is a satanist. They disguise themselves as a piñata, but instead of releasing candy when they are hit with a bat they release bullets. The boys shoot up all the mobsters with their Heaven Guns. Murphy puts pennies on their eyes so they can each afford a stick of schnitzel when they get to hell (schnitzel is dirt cheap in hell, apparently). Rocco, the beardo from earlier, arrives at the carnage and reveals to the brothers that he's an envoy from Jesus.
Rocco sends the boys to a dreamscape, where they encounter King Arthur himself. Arthur makes Conner and Murphy swear to uphold the Old Code of Camelot, then they are sent back to the real world. They give an inspiring speech, allow Rocco to join their team, and precede to get fucking high.
Totally stoned, the brothers enter another kind of dreamscape. They find Rocco's cat waiting for them, who claims to be the anti-christ. Conner, Murphy and Rocco get in a slow-motion gunfight with the cat. In the real world however they are shooting up portions of Rocco's apartment and cat. Rocco's bitches later come for their cat but find it in several places. They get in a slow-motion gunfight with the brothers, who end up shooting the bitches over a thousand times, then shot them a hundred more times afterwards to make sure they're dead.
The film skips to the detectives/ghostbusters, who are chasing after Hitler's ghost as it goes on a rampage through Boston. Agent Smecker in busy having gay sex, and therefore is unable to hep the detectives. The three bumbling fools chase after the ghost in a series of comical sequences, make various attempts to catch the specter that always backfire hilariously. Smecker eventually arrives and catches the Hitler's ghost with a butterfly net. The detectives remove the ghost's mask and reveal the culprit to be none other than Doc the bartender. He is sent to jail but escapes at the end of the movie.
The three hitmen becomes strippers so they can get close to some Satanist mob bosses. They kill (via slow-motion gunfight) each of the mobsters as they see their strippers lack a certain chromosome. Smecker arrives at the scene to investigate but the brothers left behind a feather boa after their jobs were done. Overcome by his kitten urges, Smecker plays with the boa for the rest of the scene.
Rocco later informs Conner and Murphy about a guy he knows who's a Khorne-worshiping heathen. They break into the guy's house, but find waiting for them several Chaos Space marines. The brothers engage majority of them in a slow-motion gunfight while Rocco supports them with his Christ magic. The owner of the house emerges from his bathroom, having just finished ascending to a Daemon Prince. Conner and Murphy kill him a slow-motion Shadow of the Colossus-style battle/gunfight.
Meanwhile, Conner and Murphy's father, Il Duce, has been been released from prison due to Jesus bribing the courts. He lost his Heaven Guns long ago but Jesus gives him three pairs of cowboy revolvers so he can continue carrying out hit contracts. He goes over to the house with Chaos worshipers but finds all the heretics already dead. He then discovers his long lost sons, Conner and Murphy. Unable to withhold their sheer joy at being reunited, the family members greet each other the only way they know how to; with a slow-motion gunfight.
The entire neighborhood is obliterated in the following shoot out, houses ripped apart and the people inside them killed. Rocco gets his head shot off and the brothers later cauterize the wound. While investigating the crime scene, Smecker discovers the head and cross-references it with the CIA's head database. He comes to the realization that the brothers are responsible for the murders, and goes off to stop them.
The brothers and Rocco go to confession, have some lunch, watch T.V. and take a smoke outside. Thousands are left dead. While Smecker in getting drunk at a gay bar Jesus Christ appears to him in a vision. Jesus tells him that Conner and Murphy are good lads, but get a bit carried away when it comes to genocide. Smecker then makes it his duty to try and help the brothers in their quest.
Smecker tracks down an blind old mob boss and asks him if he knows where the boys are. The blind old fart tells him that they went to kill his former apprentice Don "Papa Joe" Yakavetta, the leader of the mafia and a satanist cult. After finding out who Smecker is, the blind man pulls out a katana and attacks. It turns out that he is a samurai master.
Meanwhile the brothers and Rocco are captured by sorcerous traps while trying to infiltrate the Don's mansion. Papa Joe decides to kill Rocco first because, while the brothers are the one who killed all his men, Rocco is a beardo. And the mob will not tolerate being double-crossed by a fucking beardo.
After Rocco is shot, Conner and Murphy become so enraged that their hands burn with holy fire and they break their chains. Papa Joe withdraws and the brothers chase after him, mowing down any gangster dumb enough to get in their way. The Don is seen standing over his mansion's second floor dual wielding Demon Heavy MGs, which have the same properties as the Heaven Guns. He fired wildly at Conner and Murphy, who find out to their horror that their bullets bounce off Papa Joe's chest as he is a cyborg. Smecker, who has just finished defeating the blind samurai mobster, infiltrates the mansion disguised as the Green Goblin. He flies in with his glider and starts destroying everything with pumpkin bombs.
Il Duce sneaks in from the back of the mansions. He is attacked by the souls of all the murdered mobsters brought back from hell, but he defeats many of them with his ninja fighting skills, revolvers and Christ magic. He spots the Green Goblin flying around blowing shit up and decides to shot his glider, destroying it but sparing Smecker's life. Conner uses a Jesus beam to destroy Papa Joe's machine guns, forcing the mob boss to retreat. The brothers and Il Duce pray together and allow Jesus to bring Rocco's soul back to Heaven where he belongs.
The movie skips forward by a week. Papa Joe is in a court suing a barber for not paying his daily protection money. By carving a Christian ritual glyph around the court, the detectives teleport the building and everyone inside to heaven, but only for five minutes. Conner, Murphy and Il Duce get inside before it does, and start acting totally badass in the court. Then Jesus arrives and all four of them execute Papa Joe simultaneously.
The movie ends with the family leaving Boston and reporters asking people on the street what they would do for a Klondike bar.
My Thoughts
I liked Boondock Saints. I found it to be a highly memorable film with a good mix of badass-looking action and humour. Willem Dafoe is amazing in this movie, putting up a hilarious and great performance. The movie isn't perfect however. The story just seems weird and unclear, there aren't any themes or depth even with all the Christian stuff, and some people might not enjoy every single gunfight being in slow-motion. Still, this film is fun and I enjoyed watching very much.
Conclusion
This movie is a love it or hate it thing. I give it seven out of ten stars.
