Breaking News!

[username sucks]

(Please read the following in a dramatic reporter's voice)
Breaking News: All Escapist forum gamers are now licensed reporters with the Username Sucks News Network. You can begin work immediately.

Note: All news reports must be formatted so that they first explain the news in the topic that the previous reporter said, then the report must include a topic for the next reporter to follow. Examples are shown below, live from our imaginary reporters at their imaginary computers.

Spoiler: Examples

Edward Fingerhands:...
And now for the latest news in sports:


Aquarium Robot:This just in, a new sport has been officially recognized. Known as "Basetennisfootball", it involves players on a baseball diamond who must kick tennis balls while wearing raquets as shoes in order to run around the diamond and score. There has yet to be any scoring in the major league games thus far.

Next: Is an Invasion from Sentient Soundwaves Imminent?

Bob Bobberson:According to reticent eyewitness reports from the local insane asylum, soundwaves are taking on human shapes and jumping into the ears of the inmates. Thankfully, the military quickly eliminated the threat by bombing the asylum and the area surrounding it.

Coming up next, our expert on lightbulb economy.

AnotherFakeUsername:Recent studies have shown a rapid increase in lightbulbs of the colors red and green. Looking at lightbulb sales for the past decade, this trend has manifested at this time of the year. Only two million tax dollars were spent to come to this conclusion.

And now we have the latest story on the ocean...

As you can see, new reporters, the topic given at the end of a post can be as broad as "sports" or "science", or as specific as a headline for the next reporter's story. Just remember to be creative, as the Username Sucks News Network takes takes the old saying "incorrect news is good news" to heart.

To start us off, our first new reporter has a story on a recent archaeological discovery.

 

[Teoes]

Thanks Sucks! In archaeological news Cliff Richard was today unearthed again, so that he could celebrate the release of his 500th studio album. This of course comes after the last time he was unearthed to celebrate his 500th album, except this time we don't need to include compilations, Christmas records or various Greatest Hits. Cliff was approached for comment and said simply: "Kill me". What a trooper.

Next up: a hilarious tale you will barely believe, about a cheeseburger and a "funny" cat that cannot spell correctly.

 

[username sucks]

That's right, Tee-Ohs. A small biotech company in California that was on the verge of bankruptcy claims to have made a breakthrough that will not only turn around the company's misfortune, but also change how the internet is used. They will soon be releasing genetically engineered cats that will write the iconic phrase "I can haz cheezebugurs" on all surfaces it sees, using it's own urine as ink. The company's spokesperson says that this is only the first in a long line of "Ani-memes" that will be developed over the coming months.

Coming up next: Is Drinking Water Causing School Shootings?

 

[username sucks]

EDIT: We interrupt this program with a special news bulletin: Our CEO, the Great Username Sucks, has just double-posted.

Now back to our scheduled news:

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

Turns out that drinking water might not be the safest thing to do no more, as the biotechnology college in North Carolina recently discovered a link between drinking water and the recent school shootings that have been happening around the globe. According to the head of the project Dr.Cheezeballznitrogin, they recently discovered that water does not only have oxygen and two hydrogen atoms but a strange new atom that was discovered to trigger violent behavior in a person. No offical name has been give out for this atom as of yet, but people have started calling it Murderín(Murdereen) or Violentín(Violenteen) and there appears to be no discovered way of getting rid of this atom without destroying the formula.

Coming up next, how does our weekly cook manage to cook up this weekly catastrophe?

 

[Dr.Susse]

Havoc fills the streets as thousands of crippled customers all have suffered the most disastrous case of dhiorrea that this city has ever faced.

A popular takeout has been found to be at blame after its abhorrent working cleanliness practices hit a dark new level.
.....Tom breaking news has just hit. I can't finish this story because a toilet has been made spare for me. Wish me luck we may never speak again.


Thanks Dr.Susse; Next up we have a story about the kitten who was stuck in a surprising place.

 

[Teoes]

Thanks Father Jack, ya fecker.

Yes, it was found today that odd sounds heard for the last week in the Escapist News Network offices was actually a kitten! Father Jack was coaxed out of his armchair with promises of girls and drink, only to reveal the poor little creature had been stuck there the whole time. Police are currently investigating how it came to be there; Jack, so far, is uncooperative and foul-mouthed.

After the break: conclusive proof of so-called "video games" turning YOUR children in vile, mindless killers and rapers of rodents.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Thanks Teoes, we always love your lack of tact.

Researchers in Illinois have tracked all violence all violence in the last 30 years and have finally linked it all to video games. Dr. Robert Iknowscience said in an interview that: "We always knew there was something wrong with the flashing lights and pure joy that video games produced. We have finally found out, through unethical testing on inner city kids that we kidnapped, that video games increased the hostility they had towards us. They would furiously attempt to break the barriers of the lab, crying out for food they didn't earn through their daily gaming sessions of Desert Bus. At one point they eventually turned on each other, making the weakest of the group play Desert Bus for all five subjects."

The report concludes with a graph of estimated crime increases over the next decade.

[sub][sub][sub][sub]Sam you asshole, that's the wrong graph. We're live! Just... Just conclude and get to the next story!! NOW![/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub]

ER... Umm... Oh, in other news... This thread and why it should be posted in more often!

[sub][sub][sub][sub]It's not my fault! I don't know what happened![/sub][/sub][/sub][/sub]

 

[Dr.Susse]

Thanks Foreign correspondent Redlin5.

Researchers who are not involved in the last story or any shady government studies have recently concluded that this thread increases a endorphin in the brain that is almost completely unlike a cup of tea, which of course is the only thing at matters in the morning.

So does this mean posting in this thread in the morning will make you happy? Some say no, most ask me to go away........You decide!

Next up we have a story about how jelly is the new in fashion item for the summer.

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

Thanks you for that clamorous news Dr. Susse, it was quite vivid.

The hottest new fashion coming up on our list ladies, is a piece of jelly. The vivid colours of jelly perfectly match up with the ladies hair and eyes and make you quite striking. While for the boys, it covers more packaging in the region below if you know what I mean! Rawr!

While this is all for the latest fashion report do not forget to keep up with the next disaster report, in which I hear has a chocolate covered man in it.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Thank you Morsomk for that interesting report. Nice outfit by the way.

In California today there was a massive explosion in the center of the state. A new kind of volcano has appeared, bringing with it its own unique problems but one man claims its a godsend. I interviewed him near the burnt out remains of his store.

"Sir, why is it that you view this disaster as good for business. And why are you coated in chocolate?"

"Well that's easy, I've been making chocolate all day long. As you know, it requires heat to make everyone's favorite treat and there's a lot of it near these parts now!"

"Aren't you concerned about the molten lava flowing near your factory burning you to death?"

"I've survived hotter heat waves than this."

"Well, there you have it. Even in the most adverse times the American pioneering spirit strives on. Next is a report on my untimely death due to the lava that has just set me on fire. Back to you!"

And cut!

OW OW OW OW THE PAIN THE INFINITE PAIN WHY ISN'T ANYONE DOING ANYTHING STOP FILMING YOU ASSHOLE AND HELP ME OH GOD WHY WHY WHY!!!

 

[kailus13]

Thank you Redlin, we wish you a speedy recovery.

Time for the weather.

Throughout most of the country it's still fucking cold. In California however, the new volcano means that the temperature is high enough to cause your skin to self-combust. Please enure not to wear tinfoil, for risk of accidentally cooking yourself.

That is all the weather that I'm allowed to tell you about.

 

[username sucks]

Thank you Kailus and Redlin for disregarding the rules of the Username Sucks News Network by not providing a lead in for the next report. You are hereby fired.

[sub][sub][sub]Sir, this is Username Sucks, our business model something-I-get-payed-for. We have to few reporters to be firing or killing any more.
He's right. Being username sucks, the cameraman on this radio news program, I suggest you hire them back.[/sub][/sub][/sub]

This just in: we are now hiring again for the USNN, and all previous offenses have been forgiven. That's right, Kailus and Redlin, you need to get back to work! What do you think I pay you for!

And now for our scheduled news on a CEO of a local news network who has gone insane.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Thank you Kailus and Redlin for disregarding the rules of the Username Sucks News Network by not providing a lead in for the next report. You are hereby fired.

But... but I did! D:

Well, if I'm being rehired...

Thank you! Yes, in related news the CEO of CTV started dressing like a cat and sliding down the banisters of hotel staircases after sending every available news crew to record paint drying. When asked why he was taking his company and his personal life in such bizarre new direction, he simply moo'd and hit the interviewer with a half eaten kiwi.

Next up is an update on the midlife crises of a famous actor. Can you guess who it is? We'll be back after these messages.

 

[username sucks]

Ah, a new hireling! You will serve as my slave and subject for years to come as I continue to only offer you an unpaid internship. Wait, are we filming this?!

Ahem. Uhh. Yes. Well. New information has led us to believe that there certainly is NOT, in ANY way, shape, or form, a harem, cult, or evil empire led by a ruthless newscaster dictator gaining power.

Next up, we have a hastily put-together sports report because SOMEONE here decided to leak my plans onto a news report. Was it you, new guy!?!?!?

 

[Barbas]

Nobody tells me nothin', Dave! IS that your name, Dave? Close enough.

We've got some sports for you, all right! Looks like the Oakland Raiders were discovered wandering around naked in the Australian outback. They appeared to be delirious and kept repeating the words "they're coming, they're coming..." Stirring and foreboding stuff.

In other news, it would finally appear that George Lucas has decided to "machine-gun those cheap hack bastards at Red Letter Media". Watch out, guys! What're your thoughts on that, Brian?

 

[RedDeadFred]

Hi Barbas, this is Fred filling in for Brian. Apparently he ran out screaming "I'll get those punks at Walmart." Anyway, contrary to what our first reports have said, we are now getting word that Lucas has made peace with Red Letter Media and will in fact be using their insightful criticism to help him make better movies in the future. He says that the...

I'm sorry. I am just now getting BREAKING NEWS that our now ex-employee, Brian, has begun trashing the local Walmart with what is believed to be a Super Soaker filled with paint. We now take you live to our current field reporter who is at the scene.