Breaking up with my girlfriend

[CAPTCHA]

As the title says, I've broken up with my girlfriend and wanted to talk about it, vent a bit I guess and here some of you opinions.

Emma and I have been together for around 4-5 years. We met through the mental health services as patients. She suffers from Bi-polar, I suffer from Aspergers. As I'm sure you can imagine two people with mental disorders can have a pretty disfunctional relationship. On my part I can be aloof, unsympathetic and preoccupied with introspection and this can make me seem emotionally cold. My friends and family know this about me and accept it as part of who I am. They can tell my mood and thoughts by my subtler mannerisms and understand that while I might not be the best person to offer a shoulder to cry on, it's through the restrictions my condition brings rather than a lack of concern. Only people who don't know me well can't see beyond this mask. Emma sadly is included in the latter, though for reasons other than a lack of familiarity.

Emma's Bi-polar can be a nightmare to deal with. When she's low she can mope about, blame the world for her problems, seeking sympathy with one hand while giving the finger with the other. I, being her partner tend to be the focus of both. It's not uncommon for her to phone me upwards of twenty times a day sometimes just to say 'nothing' on the phone. She's looking for attention. Want's me to go around to her house and look after her. Drop whatever I'm doing and just run to her. These call can come in the middle of the night; while I'm with a friend; any time you could imagine. Sometimes I abide, sometimes it's impossible, sometimes it's to much for me and I find that I'm not equiped to help. If I can't go to her the situation gets worse and she'll become "ill".

Over the few years Emma has been admited into hospital more times than most people will go in their whole lifetime. Each and evertime she's either made a miraculus recovery or it turns out that cancerous lump or heart condition she was having checked out turned out to be something minor. They have a name for this: Munchausen's. Now I'm being asked to go to hospital to look after her. Sometimes I go, but most of the time I don't. Partly because I don't want to re-enforce this kind of behaviour, but mostly because I don't like being manipulated.

And that's why we've broken up. She's the one who called it off. Says that I'm selfish, that I don't care. Says she's moving back to her home town to be with her parents who can give her the support and sympathy that I don't. I find that really hypocritical. She accuses me of being selfish while she does nothing but make demands of me. She expects me to understand and forgive her condition while giving no thought to my own. Maybe she would have a leg to stand on here if it were true, but it's not. I am understanding, just not fully equiped to handle it. It wasn't long ago that I made a massive sacrifice of my dignity and personal liberty for her. She was going through the a "high" and had gotten herself into trouble with the wrong crowd. She'd even been sleeping with one of them, some crackhead thug. I came to the rescue, got her out of there, gave her a place to stay while things blew over and did my best to forgive her for what she'd done, knowing that she's not fully in control of herself while she's on a high. Perhaps I was wrong to do so, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time.

Well that's the situation. Sorry for making you read my fucked up life.

 

[infohippie]

Wow, dude, that sucks. I dated a bipolar girl for a few years myself and it's really hard to deal with. You might not feel it now, but you're most likely better off out of it. Bipolar is something that the sufferer has to put a lot of work into dealing with themselves if they're not going to drive away everyone around them, nobody can be asked to be a saint perpetually and keep giving them all the emotional support they ask for (usually for little in return). It'd be especially hard for someone with Asperger's to give that kind of support. Was she taking her meds? That's really important to stick to.

 

[Distorted Stu]

You dont need her by the sound sof it.

Here, pick a new best friend to ease the pain:

 

[CAPTCHA]

You ever hit post then regret it after?

Anyway I like those options.

 

[RaphaelsRedemption]

Bipolar people need to take responsibility for their own actions and emotions. Otherwise, they are dangerous and out of control.

I have bipolar disorder, but I wouldn't dream of treating my fiance in the way you describe your girlfriend as treating you. Instead, I know to take my tablets, go to my psych appointments, and work on my mental stability so that I am a halfway decent person to be around.

It may or may not be true, but it sounds like your girlfriend was using you, rather than working on her own to solve her problems. It's ok to feel used if so. And it's not ok for that kind of situation to go on - you deserve better.

Bipolar people often need to hit rock bottom in order to realise just how badly they need to sort themselves out. Unfortunately, all others can do is be there to pick up the pieces if finally, the bipolar sufferer decides they need help.

I suppose I'm trying to say: sounds like breaking up was always going to happen. It may even be the best thing under the circumstances. And if you feel any sort of relief, don't feel bad about it; just because someone is sick, doesn't mean they have a licence to make others' lives a misery.

 

[Spade Lead]

knowing that she's not fully in control of herself while she's on a high.

Maybe I am just not THAT bi-polar, but I have done some pretty stupid things, but NEVER sleeping with a crackhead. Especially not while I was with someone who I cared about. She was using you. That is all. Be glad she is gone from your life, and move on, as quickly as you can. DO. NOT. EVER. LET. HER. BACK. IN. YOUR. LIFE. She will just use you more.

 

[holy_secret]

I don't know. All I can say is that when you talked about how she just started making more and more demands on you, I saw a bit of myself there.
I feel you, man.
But I was the one who broke it off, in my case that is. It hurt like crazy in the beginning. I didn't know what to do.

Now, I've found something. I am happy again. I feel alive.
I've met so many new people this year. I've been traveling a lot. I'm actually going on a long vacation tomorrow, something I've been looking forward to for a long time.

Try doing this. It may suck to do the social, but imagine. There are so many people in this world, many who you might have a connection to. They are everywhere. What if the love of your life is out a night and you miss her just because you didn't want to leave your home? What if your best friend is at the same vacation spot as you? Who knows?
Just go out man Even if you're not asking for advice in this thread, I still wanted to tell you this.

Good luck!

 

[Spade Lead]

blah blah blah
psycho girlfriend
ungrateful *****
gone now
what do

Party.

THIS. And I have been known to have my bouts of "I hate you all, go away" depressions. Usually it is a cry for help. Sometimes I push everyone away because I don't know how to let them know what is going on.

I ended a friendship because one of my friends over reacted when I seriously DID just want to be alone. She made my depression all about me mistreating her. All I did was ask her to leave me alone and she blew up on me. Do I miss her, yes, I was in love with her, but do I feel like I made the right choice and have moved on with my life since then? Well... Yes.

And I think you did, too. Your description of her actions reminds me of my ex-fiancee. She drove me crazy with her double-standards, personality quirks, and mood-swings. Let her go.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

I can't stand to be around overly emotional people little lone bipolar people. I could not even imagine being in a relationship with someone like that. I do not have the patience, and they would not like my "cryin like a baby gets nothing from me" attitude.

Good decision. I know that sounds mean, but honestly, catering to that behavior just enables it. You are doing her a favor whether or not you realize it.

 

[Danzaivar]

You should try go for the other type of 'bi' next time you go after a girl. Plus if you bag two at a time, they don't need you for the social empathy, they can empathise for each other!

Seriously though grats on lasting 4-5 years, extremely emotional disorder meets no-social-skills disorder sounds like it should run out almost immediately. Feel better for ranting?

 

[Donnacht]

i feel for you there- recently ended a relationship with someone i think has munchausens. After i ended it she started telling people i was threatening and harassing her so she was going to have to move. I ended up needing to go to a solicitor to get a warning letter sent to her in the end. I knew she was a bit of a story teller and an attention seeker but it was only towards the end i started to suspect and nothing added up about her. Vanda claimed she was beaten and raped by her (by then) estranged husband yet she would 'go and see him' on her own and say it was ok for me to keep texting, like he wouldn't react to that from what she would say about him- i doubt she was there she just wanted me to worry about her, she said she wouldn't eat hardly a thing as she was so stressed i wasn't staying with her every night- then she 'became diabetic' so it was even more critical she ate properly- never lost any weight though after a couple of months of that lol. always a drama or crisis or illness anything to get attention- never a mundane day.
After we split up people we knew spilled the beans about her and most of the things she told me about herself turned out to be fictional and i suspect all of it was. She even said she was going back to her husband afterwards as a way to try and manipulate me to go back to her but i'd had enough. strangely enough she hasn't moved or gone back to him. i have no idea who i had a relationship with and we were close friends before we became lovers- all completely fictional. If they are not real people there's nothing to miss though i guess so take comfort from that- you got played by the best. someone with muchausens is very skilled at lying and manipulating- V was a bit of a 40 watt lightbulb though (with dimmer switch) so i wasn't naive to the fact i was being manipulated- some of her stories were ridiculous- i just hoped she would stop lying i guess.

 

[Terminal Blue]

I had a very short lived relationship with a bipolar person at one point who displayed similar compulsive lying. It was the most fucked up and borderline abusive situation I've ever been in.

Whatever people will say though, you need to have sympathy. You're right, she has extremely diminished self control when she's on a high. I think it's something which is very difficult to understand from the outside, and it's very difficult for people in that situation to recognize what's happening to them because at the time they don't feel like anything is wrong with them, in fact they feel pretty invincible. It's hard enough for a depressed person (like myself) to take responsibility for their actions. For someone with bipolar disorder, it's a lot harder.

I think you're looking at the hospital thing the wrong way. You're assuming that people get like that because it's been socially reinforced. That's not true, in my experience the person will believe every single time that they need to go to hospital and will find it very difficult to understand how that particular instance relates to all the previous ones. Left to her own devices, she will probably slip further into delusion, not suddenly have some realization that faking illness doesn't pay.

Mental disorders cannot be cured through basic socialization or reward/punishment strategies. These people aren't children.

I think you were right to break up with her, because getting close to someone like that is exhausting. But the way you're expressing it illustrates exactly why. You take the things she says literally and personally, you are hurt by things she does. These are emotions you can't really afford to feel for someone in that kind of position, because they will say and do hurtful things.

For all this, she probably does need you more than she'd ever be prepared to admit. God knows, this is hypocritical of me since I never speak to my ex, but that was largely her decision not mine. Non-judgemental, unmotivated, unexploitative human contact from people who are willing to be understanding of your limits is important, it grounds people in reality rather than letting them slip away into their own minds. It's totally understandable if you don't want her to be your responsibility any more, it sounds like you've been through enough. But if you're able to detach a little, if you're able to bring yourself to the understanding that she's a very sick person who will hurt you if you allow yourself to become invested in her, then maybe you can still help her, if not as a friend then at least as someone willing to look out for her interests. In more lucid or reflective moments, she might even have the self-awareness to thank you. That can't be why you do it, but when it comes its worthwhile.

 

[Torrasque]

We met through the mental health services as patients. She suffers from Bi-polar, I suffer from Aspergers.

What a WONDERFUL way to meet someone! And a Bi-polar someone at that!
This is like playing on the beach with a block of pure sodium attached to your back, and complaining when you explode...

 

[Latinidiot]

Well, good luck with getting over her, and congratulations on this new, improved situation.

Did anyone notice that you can't use 'good luck' without sounding sarcastic anymore?

 

[Zaverexus]

Well, it sounds to me like you were very brave to give this relationship a chance for so long, I'm sorry it didn't work out.
You did your best, and even if she might not notice it I'm sure you have made a great impact on her life.
The only thing to do now is work on moving on, knowing you did your best. There's always something to gain from a relationship, even if it fails; so now you have the experience for an even better next relationship when you're ready.