"...but we're just friends"

[Bara_no_Hime]

Because you asked her out after you became friends with her... My friend does this all the time. He finds a girl he likes, and instead of asking her out while they're just acquaintances, he slowly becomes her friend. Five months later, he'll be sad that she's talking about other guys to him.

Show your feelings and intentions early.

See, I'm weird. I like dating my friends.

Although, now that I think about it, the OP's problem HAS happened to me too. Usually when I tried asking out other bisexual/lesbian girls I was friends with. Not always, but more than once. Of course, one of those girls I asked out was straight (so she REALLY wasn't interested, although she did still want to be friends - we've been friends for over 12 years now).

Huh. Sorry I can't be more helpful. Like I said, I'm weird - I'm way more likely to sleep with you if you're already my friend.

 

[SeriousSquirrel]

I'm starting to think it's karma for me. I've said it to a few girls, so now I have to wait until the same number of girls say it to me.

 

[VanillaBean]

Because you asked her out after you became friends with her... My friend does this all the time. He finds a girl he likes, and instead of asking her out while they're just acquaintances, he slowly becomes her friend. Five months later, he'll be sad that she's talking about other guys to him.

Show your feelings and intentions early.

Or perhaps the girl really isn't interested in you. Saying you want to stay friends is a nice way of saying she doesn't want to go out with you.

Not going to lie this seems pretty accurate.

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

Oh great. Judging by this topic, that's what's gonna happen to me...

I've been hanging out with a girl for the past couple weeks (during lunch breaks on wednesdays, that's the only common break we have), and while we are definitely on the same wavelength (seriously, we spent an hour discussing plans in case of a zombie outbreak), and while I would not mind something more coming from this...

...I honestly don't feel much of a physical attraction. At least I don't think so. Not really sure.

So I'm totally not sure where to go. Do I just take it slow (like several people I trust have suggested) and risk getting friendzoned when I'm sure of my feelings? Or do I just dive in, only to see that it's not gonna work, and risk losing a totally awesome friend because I just made everything awkward?

(*is 22, no experience*)

 

[Legion]

Yeah it's happened to most guys who try and be a friend first rather than asking a girl out off the bat.

I am not exactly a ladies man so dishing out advice would be somewhat ironic but from what I can see it helps to not try and be the stereotypical "Nice Guy" who is a shoulder to cry on, a guy who wants to be there for them with no string attached and whatnot, it tends to lead them to put you into the friends category every time.

Most "Nice guys" will always think that girls like bastards but it really isn't the case. While a lot of them do go out with them it isn't the "bastard" part of the personality but the confident part that is attractive.

A guy who is a dick isn't going to be wrapped up on trying to be the nicest guy possible, he wants a girl and he is going to try and get her (not saying all confident guys are dicks), this confidence is evident from a girls perspective and they see them as attractive because of it.
When you get the girls who seem to go for bastards over and over again it is simply a case of them being attracted to the confident guy, realising he is a bastard and breaking it off, and then finding someone else who is the same.

The problem of course isn't the girls, but the bastards who can put on the façade of being a nice but confident guy, when they aren't.

 

[FinalHeart95]

Well here are the two situations I've been in asking out girls I've talked to a lot for at least a couple of months:
1) Asked her out, she said she'd "think about it". I didn't get a legit answer until she started going out with someone else.
2) Asked her out, she said yes as long as her friends went with it. I'm pretty much friends with all of her friends, so I thought it would work. I asked her if she asked everyone four days later, and she said they seemed "angry". So I ask one of her friends about it and she says that no one was angry or against it. I talk to girl I asked out, and she suddenly pulls out some bullshit about how she still liked her ex.

So yeah, I'm not asking out girls that are my friends again. According to my experience (which is limited, admittedly), they act like total bitches about it.

 

[Flamezdudes]

Gah, so many times. Whats worse is that the last time this happened, she led me on by saying we would date for a bit, then dumped me a week later saying there might be difficulties since she was a Catholic and I was an Atheist. Seriously, what a horrible excuse. She did also use the "just friends" line though.

I swear, there is problem with me finding someone. I've never had a relationship.

 

[Deef]

Any girl who lists reasons why they would so obviously want you, and then follows it with a declaration that they don't want you even though you never asked them if they did want you is a presumptious *****.

I did tell them I like them
then they go into that long rant
and it has happened EVERY time
...friends or not
and if we weren't friends we become friends from it

so what have I learned?

Tell the girl you like here and you're friends for life

Well then maybe the problem is with you. I don't know, but bitching to a group of strangers on the internet isn't going to help matters. Why do people think there is some magical solution out there to get girls that they just were never taught... like there was a "How to get Girls 101" lesson in school they somehow missed?

Dude, chill. He's not looking for your eloquently labeled "magical solution". One of the best ways to deal with a situation that can be personally discouraging is by hearing from others that have experienced the same sort of thing. You don't feel quite so ostracized or weird when you know the experience isn't isolated.

What you said... I don't like feeling weird, I'm weird enough as it is (probably from 18+ years of being single *cough*)

anyways, yeah I'll be fine, I'm not crazy, I'm just wondering why this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME

but yeah, I'm okay- and yes this did just happen today (like 3 hours ago... from a girl I've been friends with for 4+ years) which is what brought it to my mind

>from a girl I've been friends with for 4+ years
>4+ years

Yeah theres your problem bro.

 

[Kukakkau]

Four times and the last one came after spending the whole time at a party with ours arms around each other, holding hands for a bit and kissing on the cheek a bunch. Don't even get it myself

So yeah it happens a lot and confunds me every time

 

[Who Dares Wins]

Act like a douchebag so she can't say "just friends" ('cause you're not) and you know that for every nice girl there is a douchebag that's going to be with her so it might as well be you.

*[sub][sub]Seriousness of post may wary.[/sub][/sub]

 

[Hazy]

Here's the thing: you need to be direct in relationships (especially if you're the man, it's a double standard, and it sucks, but that's just the way it is.)

Establish what your intentions are from the get-go: dating her. Don't try to play the stereotypical nice guy who uses their "good intentions" to achieve a selfish motivation.[footnote]Not pointing fingers at anyone[/footnote] It always ends badly, and more often than not, you'll look like a total tool. Rarely, if ever, do relationships evolve from friendships like in the movies. Don't dwell on it, try your best to avoid the friendzone like the plague, and find someone else.

 

[XShrike]

"...but we're just friends" is translated into, "I don't find you attractive." Using the term "nice" to describe a person is translated into "boring".

If you want more but, they don't then move on. Life is to short to be wasted on lost cause relationships.

"(and yeah it ticks me off that after all that stuff they say they go out with a total dick saying "I can change him, he's nice deep down")"

You can only do so much to help people. You probably offered something good over the long run but, they rejected it for something that feels good in the short run. If they continue to make bad decisions then let them live with the results. You warned them but, the did it anyway. Let them burn.

Sad thing is people like that almost never ever learn. They just keep cycling through it, every time they are confused on why it keeps happening. I have no tolerance for this kind of behavior. Although I know a number of people that, for whatever reasons, let themselves be the shoulder to cry on.

 

[emeraldrafael]

Cause girls like to take pity on us nerds, assume we;ll do anything to get in their pants and do it since we dont, wait till just the last second, then saw but we're just friends as something like the ultimate cock block. Its a sick and twisted joke really (this coming from a guy who's experienced it).

or they dont wantto hurt us cause they think we're sensitive and would breka into depression by pursuing a relationship that just wont work or they think wouldnt, at least.

Or they dont want to be associated with dating "the nerd".


Then again, I dont seem nerdy to most girls beside my glasses, usually carrying a large (250+ pages) book of fiction (right now I'm on Stephen King, but I have to get the money up to by some more Sword of Truth books), and not being a dick to people. That and I'm one of the few people that seems to treat women like they're people and not objects at my university (at least that I've seen) and you know, makes eye contact. Not just stare down at their chest. So usually I'm the one saying we're just friends.

But off topic, if the girl says your like a brother, just smile and say "like and incestial brother?" while making it seem like a joke but your still kinda serious. If you get them laughing but keep the mood serious, it makes them reconsider and really think about it if they're on the fence.

 

[emeraldrafael]

Snip

well, its more sarcastic humour then anything, though its worked for me a twice. They thought it was cute and decided to give me the go ahead. So I would just say judge the reaction based on the girl and the relationship you have with her.

Like I said, I've turned more girls down for friendship then they've turned me down, and I get the value of friendship. But it is a game to some (lets face it, we all know bitches in our lives or at least of girls we know would honestly do this), not many, but some.

And geez, god forbid someone have some dark off beat humour here.

 

[ApophisMP]

The most hated Phrases i know of

 

[Stasisesque]

...Just wondering

Being a site of nerds (I mean that in a good way) I'm wondering if any of you have had this situation

Being the cuddly, shy, kindhearted souls we are (well some of us are *cough*)

Why is it that EVERY girl I have ever talked to... goes like this...

"I like you, you're nice, funny, kind, and anyone would be very lucky to have you"
(quickly followed up by)
"...but we're JUST friends, okay?"
(2/3 of the time)
"You're like a brother to me..."

...soo am I the only one that wonders "well if all that is true why doesn't anyone try to give me a chance instead of pulling the 'friend' card every time?"

sorry starting to rant

In Short: Has anyone else had this situation?

(and yeah it ticks me off that after all that stuff they say they go out with a total dick saying "I can change him, he's nice deep down")

EDIT: Crap... did this become a "Hot Thread" while I was asleep? because I had 12 quotes here when I woke up... *grumbles*

Protip: "We're just friends" means she is not attracted to you. Whining about her not being attracted to you is going to make you even less attractive to her.

 

[MGlBlaze]

...soo am I the only one that wonders "well if all that is true why doesn't anyone try to give me a chance instead of pulling the 'friend' card every time?"

sorry starting to rant

In Short: Has anyone else had this situation?

(and yeah it ticks me off that after all that stuff they say they go out with a total dick saying "I can change him, he's nice deep down")

EDIT: Crap... did this become a "Hot Thread" while I was asleep? because I had 12 quotes here when I woke up... *grumbles*

If you aren't already, I'd say to stop thinking it and start saying it. Follow up by claiming that it's become more of an insult at this point and that if you're being rejected that you want a straight and true reason as to why for once. Doesn't sound like you have anything to lose at this point. That's just what I'd do, though.

As for them telling you they can change the 'total dicks', I'd tell them "No, you won't. If you do apparently change them, it will almost certainly be a facade. People who are nice deep down will usually act nice unless given a reason to do otherwise. [name of dick here] is a jackass, and you won't change that. Simple as. Feeling you can change them is a common mistake people like you make that always ends in dissatisfaction and heartbreak. I'd rather not see that happen."

 

[ecyor0]

No such problem here... all *counts* three of the girls I've seriously considered as girlfriends already had boyfriends, so the relationship stayed Just Friends, even though they were aware I was fond of them (honesty people, it's REALLY underrated...).

Why yes, I am choosy about this kind of thing. Mainly because to me, 'girlfriend' means 'I'm seriously considering marrying this person'

 

[ApophisMP]

" We just Freinds" and " He is like a Brother to me" labeled guys UNITE! and start a Revolution!

 

[theravensclaw]

in the exact same situation except im a girl and my gorgeous male geek friend is the 'your like a sister to me' person in my life. i feel ur pain