Buying Elephants for... Stuff

[PsychicTaco115]

Living in North Carolina for a few years, I now realize the one thing I've always wanted to do is illegal.

That's right, plowing fields with an elephant is ILLEGAL in my decent state.

Now, I know you may be asking why I would use an elephant in plowing things when there are more useful ways to do the same thing. Well, elephants are really big and can pull more! Also, they never forget so that means I can teach him what to do all by himself!

Now, the only problem is actually BUYING said elephant. Where would I even start looking? I can't just look up on Amazon for one, it'll just give me a bunch of plushies! >.<

So, any advice in acquiring said animal for farming purposes?

And I don't want him to just plow fields, I want to make the most of my investment! What would YOU do if you had an elephant?

 

[Barbas]

I'm afraid I've no idea of the first place to go to acquire such a magnificent beast. I'd probably try the local zoo, though, since the ones there tend to mope around looking sad and purposeless. Once I'd liberated myself one, I'd probably get him to help me with (outdoor) construction at least. He would likely also make a keen method of transportation and riot control, especially after being fully armoured. I would call him "Grond".

 

[JoJo]

I've got this contact in Nigeria who's got a hand in the elephant trade, me and him are currently transferring money between bank accounts but I can give you his e-mail if you want. Funnily enough, I used to have an elephant back when I lived in North Carolina and it was a beast for ploughing cotton fields, I can't recommend elephant farmhands highly enough. Strong but gentle workers, and fun for the kids too. Unfortunately one day animals services came along and took him away and then my cotton farm went bust, so I moved back to Britain :-/

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

I knew this thread was coming and I knew who the OP would be.

Har har Taco, har har.

[sub][sub][sub]Me and my elephant are marching on Rome.[/sub][/sub][/sub]

 

[Angelowl]

Just remember to keep them away from alcohol, elephants are known to be quite addicted to the stuff. And can you imagine a drunk or hungover elephant? With those ears? Very easy to irritate and if you are not careful they will just walk throw your house instead of around it.

Not my kind of pet, but they are still nice animals. Now if we only could get on with cloning wooly mammoths...

 

[Foolery]

I suppose you could always use one to push over a train or something.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

You really think you have it bad in North Carolina? Just with your no plowing fields using an elephant law.
HA, try living in Florida, the silliest of silly states.

Look at these laws and weep.

-It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

-Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

-You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM

-It is considered an offense to shower naked.

-You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.

-A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

-It is illegal to skateboard without a license.

As far as elephants are concerned, there's no mention of using them to plow fields, however...

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

You still need to pay when you park them.

 

[Queen Michael]

-Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

I know I can't be the only one terrified that they felt the need to specifically outlaw porcupine-sex. That they saw reason to believe that without this law, people would pork porcupines.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Just remember to keep them away from alcohol, elephants are known to be quite addicted to the stuff. And can you imagine a drunk or hungover elephant?

Very much this.

I remember reading about a bunch of elephants that got drunk after eating fermented fruit. And...it turns out that they were angry drunks.

Didn't end well.

 

[Teoes]

Has no-one flagged this thread yet? Taco, you've gone too far this time! Your flamebait threads have actually crossed the line into actually advocating of illegal activities and it is disgusting that the mods have not come down on you with the wrath of a thousand foreman grill [sic]; the fact that it hasn't happened is clear evidence of mod bias and anti-shitlists here.

OT: If I had a heffalump I would march it right into the Commons and have it stomp about until they repealed any anti-heffalump laws. I might feed it heffalump laxatives beforehand so that it could doubly make its point.

 

[RhombusHatesYou]

What would YOU do if you had an elephant?

I would rent it out on weekends for Hindu weddings... possibly also Thai weddings as well... and anyone else who wanted an elephant at their wedding.

Apart from that I would ride it to uni on weekdays (although I'll need to put an anti-theft device on it because my uni is near the local zoo and they don't have an elephant) and every friday afternoon I would take it to the Adelaide Aquatic Centre to bathe.

 

[Coakle]

B-B-But, how will you know when to harvest corn without an elephant to reference? More proof that NC lawmakers live in an Ivory Tower. Wait. Of course, they passed that law to confiscate elephants in order build their damn tower. *shaking in anger* You blew it up!

OT: I'd train my elephant to lift me to a second story window, so I don't have to climb stairs like a chump.

 

[Hagi]

Eat it.

I mean this is your one and only chance to find out how Elephants taste, all the other stuff you can build giant robot elephants for (which are much cooler).

Why would you waste that chance? You'll have enough delicious (it's meat, of course it's delicious) elephant meat to last you for who knows how long!

I mean seriously, how DO elephants taste?

 

[The Funslinger]

Wage war on those cocky Romans, obviously.

 

[Daverson]

I find hippopotamus are a lot better for this sort of thing, since they're amphibious, and have a much lower centre of mass.

 

[EHKOS]

I'm gonna call him Stampy.

OT: I would use it as transportation, an alarm clock, a snow blower, and every night read it the story about the Thirteen Bats and the Elephant.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

Just remember to keep them away from alcohol, elephants are known to be quite addicted to the stuff. And can you imagine a drunk or hungover elephant? With those ears? Very easy to irritate and if you are not careful they will just walk throw your house instead of around it.

Not my kind of pet, but they are still nice animals. Now if we only could get on with cloning wooly mammoths...

Should try keeping them away from LSD as well...

Oh and Thomas Edison proved that running a DC current through one will kill it, thus why we use the AC current.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

I find hippopotamus are a lot better for this sort of thing, since they're amphibious, and have a much lower centre of mass.

Those things are fucking rage filled beasts, ever watch the history channel?

I always preferred the Rhino. It seems like such an easy going fella, but piss it off and it'll gore you to death.

 

[AngloDoom]

I think the question is 'what wouldn't I use an elephant for'?

I mean, it's basically an intelligent, gentle, tank with surprising dexterity. I think I'd end up moving my bed onto it's back.

 

[ShinyCharizard]

Hello there.

Could I interest you in 3 African Bull Elephants for the low, low price of $299.95. We also offer finance plans with 12 months interest free, you can't beat those deals. And if you find them cheaper, We'll beat it by 10%.

And not only that. If you buy today I'll throw in 3 sets of our fantastic Elephant cleaning sets absolutely free. That's over $2000 value for the low, low price of $299.95

And not only that. If you purchase within the next 2 hours we will drop that price to $249.95. That is truly unbeatable value folks. Act fast, these deals can't last.

Call 1300 elephants4me, these deals will fly out the door, so act fast.