[HEADING=1]Plan 9 from Outer Space[/HEADING]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw81urzR_9Q[/youtube][HEADING=2]In the words of Yoda: without plot, no spoilers can there be, hm?[/HEADING]
I've come a long way since that fateful day I bougt a new Xbox, had a game I didn't like and happened upon a can of Red Bull, but admittedly that is meant in the same way as a virus multiplying and infecting a host.
In the time since that first niave, hate-filled post I have endeavored to be more fair, more open minded.
Hell, once or twice I've even been accused of reviewing things.
But this brings me to, such as it ever is, my point.
I actually miss the startling purity of the rant. It's such a good system; I scream at the world in general, and in turn the world in general gets to laugh at a man on the verge of exploding with impotent rage.
But hey, I've grown. I no longer ejaculate pure, nihilistic fury.
What I needed was a film so bad, so irredeemable, that there are literally no good points to mention.
My prayers were answered by Edward D. Wood, jr, writer and director of Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Now I know that this film is regarded as, and has in fact been voted on several occasions, the worst ever made. I know ranting about it is redundant, but the fact that my pen didn't stop moving for the film's entire seventy nine minute duration made it too good an opportunity to miss. Also, I sat through the whole thing. I deserve to be angry.
So, gentle reader, sit back and try not to hate my not-very-balanced review of this godawful, celluloid car crash.
Oh, and just before we get started: Swine Flu? Not pleasant.
[HEADING=2]"We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives."[/HEADING][small]This is the second sentence of the film, and believe me when I say it goes downhill from there.[/small]
I'm not being cruel, but I've been a film aficionado for quite some time now and it speaks volumes that the most memorable part of the characters, and indeed the performances, were their job titles.
Let's see... There's "Cop", "Pilot", "Pilot's Wife", "Army Guy Who's In It For Some Reason", "The Other Cop"... This system, though effective for a while, falls apart when Wood presents the same character two or more times. Like "The Aliens", or "The Zombies".
He was Dracula! Okay, granted, that was pretty common. Hell, I nearly played Dracula, but this was Bela Lugosi's Dracula. To have this, and I use the term loosely, "film", as his final performance is a tragedy. He would have passed with more dignity if he was raped to death by a man wearing a Donald Duck costume.
The only solace I can think of is that for the majority of the film, it isn't Lugosi on screen. Unfortunately he died during filming, prompting Wood to hire a stand-in.
As a result, the character mostly appears as a man holding a cape over his face because Wood believed he had similar eyes to the late Bela... the stand-in has eyes, this cannot be denied... I guess considering the director's pedigree we're lucky he at least got a member of the same species to replace him.
In short, I just can't bring myself to blame the actors.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think they'd be drowning in Oscars if it wasn't for this film, but the direction by Wood is so slight that I wouldn't be able to remember the character's names if there was a man chiseling the cast list into my kneecaps using Sigourney Weaver.
People just... flit in and out of the film.
Criswell - an unholy cross twixt a narrator, Mystic Meg and a futon - features heavily in the beginning of the film, then stops talking for a while, then comes back at the end out for no other reason than to lengthen your suffering - much like finishing an exhaustive weight lifting regime only to find that somebody has glued the dumbbells to your fingers.
Overall, the experience gives me the impression that Wood wrote the script on several pieces of paper, then proceeded to hide each leaf in different sections of his house, lest they be found by the gaggle of mewling goblins which haunt his nightmarish psyche.
Once it came to collate his work he realised that not only could he not remember where the pages were, but that he also didn't number them.
[HEADING=2]"I, a fiend? I am a soldier of our planet. I, a fiend? We did not come here as enemies."[/HEADING][small]I really have no idea.[/small]
[HEADING=2]Welcome to the plot and good points section![/HEADING]
No, no, no.
Alright, let's try and add at least some objectivity to this cocktail of unrelenting bile and contorted verbal malevolence.
The film is, in a strange way, endearing.
It's akin to a baby deer trying to walk for the first time, adorably unaware of the fact that it doesn't have any legs.
Joking aside for a moment, the film is crammed with "I can see what he was trying to do..." and "well, that was almost bearable...", but the sheer quantities of Not Quite add up to him failing at the seemingly simple task of making sure that gravestones in a cemetery don't wobble.
Just an observation, but a paragraph containing that many italics can never be about something good.
I guess you can say that Wood's heart is in the right place, although if he had any say in it he would probably have that somewhere in his feet.
He has a good anti-war vibe going on, personified in this case by aliens raising an undead army (of three) from the grave to wipe us out before we discover the Solaranite bomb, a weapon capable of destroying the entire universe!
But that kind of message, especially when presented via Sci-Fi, needs subtlety and finesse. For Wood, these concepts only happen to other people. If getting the point across was a tightrope, then Wood tried to cross it with a tractor.
Just the glaring, unflinching stupidity of the mistakes - Characters describing flying SAUCERS as being "cigar-shaped"! Duke Moore scratching himself with a loaded gun just to see if it would go unnoticed! Eros and Tanna, the aliens, frustrated that nobody will acknowledge their existence when they keep killing witnesses!
If Plan 9 From Outer Space was marketed as a comedy... it would have worked. By the grace of God, we were saved from speaking Wood's name in the same sentence as Hitchcock's because everyone was too horrified to even think.
Ah, the faults section.[HEADING=2]"There's been a murder... And somebody is responsible!"[/HEADING][small]As redundant as declaring that you are, in fact, wearing skin. Much like this review, really.[/small]
If you're still reading, presumably this is the part you've been waiting for. Yes, up to now, I've been holding back.
I thought about converting my notes into paragraphs, linking each point to the other, but unfortunately it's just not possible because I smoke and do not have the lifespan to perform such a task - this is not helped by the fact that as soon as I write one down, I think of two more.
So here are my notes, opinions and thoughts in their raw form, as it where:
- -Ed Wood is the Dr. Nick Riviera of the film world.
-Never understimate Wood's ability to choke every modicum of sense from a scene.
-Sci-Fi, horror, satire - there's just no start to his talents.
-It's like snuff porn.
-Wood's directing style is unique in that it's so claustrophobic it gave me a panic attack, yet so wistful and misguided that it has all the purpose and drive of a bubble in a hurricane.
-Wood is restrained and awkward at best, and borderline autistic at worst.
-Night and day just seem arbitrary; such trivial concepts as chronology are below Ed Wood.
-It's like Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, without the irony.
-There is a big hole were the plot should be. Fitting really, since there's a gaping, screaming maw of infinity were the director's sanity and common sense should be.
-It's like Wood wrote the script as one big sound effect.
-Most directors use the camera as their weapon - Wood does this literally.
-Every time you watch this film, a giraffe drops dead for no reason.
-It would actually be hard to make a film this bad on purpose.
-Wood's optimism is like a steamroller, seemingly able to crush through the fabric of reality.
-It's hard to believe that somebody sat down and wrote this. It's even harder to believe that somebody read it and decided to fund it.
-Wood often strives for horror or tension, but the results of his efforts are, at best, completely random.
-Unique amongst it's peers in that every forty seven seconds you have to remind yourself that somebody meant for it to be taken seriously.
-When Ed Wood died, the average directing talent for the entire human race, and several species of crab, went up 0.7%. That's right, Ed Wood was part crab.
-I can't describe Wood as a hack; he probably used a chainsaw.
-It would be hard to find a man more out of sync with, y'know, earth.
-If Tim Burton's Ed Wood is to be believed, Wood's optimism is contagious. Like Chlamydia.
-"... Plan 9 is my pride and joy." Wood actually said that. On purpose.
The Verdict? Has to be seen to be believed, but in a bad way.[HEADING=2]"This gives me a plan."[/HEADING][small]The perfect ending quote. Delivered straight and deadpan. It's not even English.[/small]
The odd thing is, I actually do encourage you to see this film. It's funny, even if unintentionally so. There are actually a lot worse ways to spend a Tuesday night, but a rant just can't get express that in any way.
Like this film, the rant is a bad, clumsy thing and will not get across any kind of point.
It's not big, and it's not clever.
But it is fun.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Can't sleep? Me either.
Film: In the Loop [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.165442] / Moon [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.162973] / Pulp Fiction [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.156647] / Night Watch [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.154980] / X-Men Origins: Wolverine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.153507] / The Departed [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149527] / Star Trek 2009 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149058#3470961] / A review of Love Happens (Without seeing it first) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148846#3460365] / Inglourious Basterds [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147977#3420043] / Fight Club Essay [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147655#3403751] / District 9 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147097#3373011] / The Crow 4: Wicked Prayer [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.137348#3089948]
Game: Modern Warfare II, and the making of Caffeine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.161600] / Final Fantasy Double Feature [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.158465] / Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]
Other: A Review of Society, via Call of Duty 4 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.151891] / A review of My Cat [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.146281#3332788]
Game: Modern Warfare II, and the making of Caffeine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.161600] / Final Fantasy Double Feature [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.158465] / Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]
Other: A Review of Society, via Call of Duty 4 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.151891] / A review of My Cat [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.146281#3332788]