Caffeine: a Plan 9 from Outer Space rant

domble

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Sep 2, 2009
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[HEADING=1]Plan 9 from Outer Space[/HEADING]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw81urzR_9Q[/youtube]

[HEADING=2]In the words of Yoda: without plot, no spoilers can there be, hm?[/HEADING]​
You know, I've been thinking about origins a lot recently, namely mine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685].
I've come a long way since that fateful day I bougt a new Xbox, had a game I didn't like and happened upon a can of Red Bull, but admittedly that is meant in the same way as a virus multiplying and infecting a host.

In the time since that first niave, hate-filled post I have endeavored to be more fair, more open minded.
Hell, once or twice I've even been accused of reviewing things.

But this brings me to, such as it ever is, my point.
I actually miss the startling purity of the rant. It's such a good system; I scream at the world in general, and in turn the world in general gets to laugh at a man on the verge of exploding with impotent rage.

But hey, I've grown. I no longer ejaculate pure, nihilistic fury.
What I needed was a film so bad, so irredeemable, that there are literally no good points to mention.
My prayers were answered by Edward D. Wood, jr, writer and director of Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Now I know that this film is regarded as, and has in fact been voted on several occasions, the worst ever made. I know ranting about it is redundant, but the fact that my pen didn't stop moving for the film's entire seventy nine minute duration made it too good an opportunity to miss. Also, I sat through the whole thing. I deserve to be angry.
So, gentle reader, sit back and try not to hate my not-very-balanced review of this godawful, celluloid car crash.

Oh, and just before we get started: Swine Flu? Not pleasant.


[HEADING=2]"We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives."[/HEADING][small]This is the second sentence of the film, and believe me when I say it goes downhill from there.[/small]

I'm not being cruel, but I've been a film aficionado for quite some time now and it speaks volumes that the most memorable part of the characters, and indeed the performances, were their job titles.
Let's see... There's "Cop", "Pilot", "Pilot's Wife", "Army Guy Who's In It For Some Reason", "The Other Cop"... This system, though effective for a while, falls apart when Wood presents the same character two or more times. Like "The Aliens", or "The Zombies".

Oh, the zombies. Poor, poor Bela Lugosi.

He was Dracula! Okay, granted, that was pretty common. Hell, I nearly played Dracula, but this was Bela Lugosi's Dracula. To have this, and I use the term loosely, "film", as his final performance is a tragedy. He would have passed with more dignity if he was raped to death by a man wearing a Donald Duck costume.

The only solace I can think of is that for the majority of the film, it isn't Lugosi on screen. Unfortunately he died during filming, prompting Wood to hire a stand-in.
As a result, the character mostly appears as a man holding a cape over his face because Wood believed he had similar eyes to the late Bela... the stand-in has eyes, this cannot be denied... I guess considering the director's pedigree we're lucky he at least got a member of the same species to replace him.

In short, I just can't bring myself to blame the actors.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think they'd be drowning in Oscars if it wasn't for this film, but the direction by Wood is so slight that I wouldn't be able to remember the character's names if there was a man chiseling the cast list into my kneecaps using Sigourney Weaver.
People just... flit in and out of the film.
Criswell - an unholy cross twixt a narrator, Mystic Meg and a futon - features heavily in the beginning of the film, then stops talking for a while, then comes back at the end out for no other reason than to lengthen your suffering - much like finishing an exhaustive weight lifting regime only to find that somebody has glued the dumbbells to your fingers.

Overall, the experience gives me the impression that Wood wrote the script on several pieces of paper, then proceeded to hide each leaf in different sections of his house, lest they be found by the gaggle of mewling goblins which haunt his nightmarish psyche.
Once it came to collate his work he realised that not only could he not remember where the pages were, but that he also didn't number them.



[HEADING=2]"I, a fiend? I am a soldier of our planet. I, a fiend? We did not come here as enemies."[/HEADING][small]I really have no idea.[/small]

[HEADING=2]Welcome to the plot and good points section![/HEADING]​

No, no, no.
Alright, let's try and add at least some objectivity to this cocktail of unrelenting bile and contorted verbal malevolence.

The film is, in a strange way, endearing.
It's akin to a baby deer trying to walk for the first time, adorably unaware of the fact that it doesn't have any legs.

Joking aside for a moment, the film is crammed with "I can see what he was trying to do..." and "well, that was almost bearable...", but the sheer quantities of Not Quite add up to him failing at the seemingly simple task of making sure that gravestones in a cemetery don't wobble.
Just an observation, but a paragraph containing that many italics can never be about something good.

I guess you can say that Wood's heart is in the right place, although if he had any say in it he would probably have that somewhere in his feet.
He has a good anti-war vibe going on, personified in this case by aliens raising an undead army (of three) from the grave to wipe us out before we discover the Solaranite bomb, a weapon capable of destroying the entire universe!
But that kind of message, especially when presented via Sci-Fi, needs subtlety and finesse. For Wood, these concepts only happen to other people. If getting the point across was a tightrope, then Wood tried to cross it with a tractor.

Just the glaring, unflinching stupidity of the mistakes - Characters describing flying SAUCERS as being "cigar-shaped"! Duke Moore scratching himself with a loaded gun just to see if it would go unnoticed! Eros and Tanna, the aliens, frustrated that nobody will acknowledge their existence when they keep killing witnesses!

If Plan 9 From Outer Space was marketed as a comedy... it would have worked. By the grace of God, we were saved from speaking Wood's name in the same sentence as Hitchcock's because everyone was too horrified to even think.

[HEADING=2]"There's been a murder... And somebody is responsible!"[/HEADING][small]As redundant as declaring that you are, in fact, wearing skin. Much like this review, really.[/small]
Ah, the faults section.
If you're still reading, presumably this is the part you've been waiting for. Yes, up to now, I've been holding back.
I thought about converting my notes into paragraphs, linking each point to the other, but unfortunately it's just not possible because I smoke and do not have the lifespan to perform such a task - this is not helped by the fact that as soon as I write one down, I think of two more.
So here are my notes, opinions and thoughts in their raw form, as it where:

  • -Ed Wood is the Dr. Nick Riviera of the film world.

    -Never understimate Wood's ability to choke every modicum of sense from a scene.

    -Sci-Fi, horror, satire - there's just no start to his talents.

    -It's like snuff porn.

    -Wood's directing style is unique in that it's so claustrophobic it gave me a panic attack, yet so wistful and misguided that it has all the purpose and drive of a bubble in a hurricane.

    -Wood is restrained and awkward at best, and borderline autistic at worst.

    -Night and day just seem arbitrary; such trivial concepts as chronology are below Ed Wood.

    -It's like Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, without the irony.

    -There is a big hole were the plot should be. Fitting really, since there's a gaping, screaming maw of infinity were the director's sanity and common sense should be.

    -It's like Wood wrote the script as one big sound effect.

    -Most directors use the camera as their weapon - Wood does this literally.

    -Every time you watch this film, a giraffe drops dead for no reason.

    -It would actually be hard to make a film this bad on purpose.

    -Wood's optimism is like a steamroller, seemingly able to crush through the fabric of reality.

    -It's hard to believe that somebody sat down and wrote this. It's even harder to believe that somebody read it and decided to fund it.

    -Wood often strives for horror or tension, but the results of his efforts are, at best, completely random.

    -Unique amongst it's peers in that every forty seven seconds you have to remind yourself that somebody meant for it to be taken seriously.

    -When Ed Wood died, the average directing talent for the entire human race, and several species of crab, went up 0.7%. That's right, Ed Wood was part crab.

    -I can't describe Wood as a hack; he probably used a chainsaw.

    -It would be hard to find a man more out of sync with, y'know, earth.

    -If Tim Burton's Ed Wood is to be believed, Wood's optimism is contagious. Like Chlamydia.

    -"... Plan 9 is my pride and joy." Wood actually said that. On purpose.



[HEADING=2]"This gives me a plan."[/HEADING][small]The perfect ending quote. Delivered straight and deadpan. It's not even English.[/small]
The Verdict? Has to be seen to be believed, but in a bad way.

The odd thing is, I actually do encourage you to see this film. It's funny, even if unintentionally so. There are actually a lot worse ways to spend a Tuesday night, but a rant just can't get express that in any way.

Like this film, the rant is a bad, clumsy thing and will not get across any kind of point.
It's not big, and it's not clever.

But it is fun.

___________________________________________________________________________________
Can't sleep? Me either.
Film: In the Loop [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.165442] / Moon [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.162973] / Pulp Fiction [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.156647] / Night Watch [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.154980] / X-Men Origins: Wolverine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.153507] / The Departed [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149527] / Star Trek 2009 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149058#3470961] / A review of Love Happens (Without seeing it first) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148846#3460365] / Inglourious Basterds [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147977#3420043] / Fight Club Essay [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147655#3403751] / District 9 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147097#3373011] / The Crow 4: Wicked Prayer [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.137348#3089948]

Game: Modern Warfare II, and the making of Caffeine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.161600] / Final Fantasy Double Feature [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.158465] / Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]

Other: A Review of Society, via Call of Duty 4 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.151891] / A review of My Cat [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.146281#3332788]
 

Therumancer

Citation Needed
Nov 28, 2007
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Actually I've seen this more than once. I suggest you watch it again. Some people have said that this movie actually improves with each viewing... strangely I think it's true in a way. :)

Viewed purely as entertainment, this movie is a big success. Truthfully I would also not be surprised if more people have seen this movie than many of the good films out there. Honestly it has almost instant name recognition.

For various reasons I do believe there are actually worse movies than this, mainly because they manage to be bad (or banal) without managing to even make it fun. This movie is famous because it has a certain undefinable energy to it I think.

One criticism of your review I will make is that the movie DOES have a plot. In fact you mentioned the plot yourself even while saying it didn't have one. The plot is pretty simplistic in that aliens are here to wipe out humanity by raising the dead, their motive being a fear of humanity's potential technological development. Granted they lose sight of this plot, and it makes no sense in the context of the movie, but it DOES exist.

What's more I'll even say that as far as such things go, that's not a bad plot. Someone else could have made a watchable "genere" movie out of that. In fact I've actually long thought that it would be amusing if during all of the "Zombie Mania" we're undergoing someone threw together a decent zombie movie where the bad guys/cause was aliens as a twist at the end where through the entire thing people theorized it was more "traditional" reasons like a virus, radiation, or black magic. The movie "Undead" almost did this (but it didn't, the aliens are benevolent) which disappointed me. I was also actually expecting someone to work in the word "Solarnite" at some point. :p

-

Also I can't judge how this would compare to a snuff film, but I'd imagine if you possesed the requisite level of sadism the snuff film would be MUCH better.

While not truely defined as "snuff" in the true sense, I have on the other hand wateched things like "Faces Of Death" when it was hip, and certain things like foreign execution tapes, and police actions by Soviet Spetznatz where they killed people during the 1980s. Not quite by cup of tea, but such things were fairly "hip" for a while and you could even rent "Faces Of Death" in some video stores.

While not as entertaining for the most part (at least for a le bad cinema fan like me), I will say they are technically better movies. To steal the classic comment "The acting IS real, the plot easy to follow, and there is no chance for a bad sequel".

However on the subject of "bad" cinema I have seen so called "torture porn" horror movies that were pretty bad and more entertaining on the same levels that Plan 9 entertains. Usually because such movies at least have more eye candy and T&A at least.
 

domble

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Sep 2, 2009
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Therumancer said:
Actually I've seen this more than once. I suggest you watch it again. Some people have said that this movie actually improves with each viewing... strangely I think it's true in a way. :)
Nah I did think it was fun to watch, I was just trying to draw a paralell between the rant and the film itself; fun for what it is, but not deep or clever and certainly not something that should be done a lot. lol I think the emphasis was on the word "trying" there :).

The energy is rather amazing, and after watching Ed Wood the other night I have a deeper insight into Wood himself and he came across as rather charming... although i did think it slightly ghoulish the way he used Lugosi's death as a selling point to get his movie made, especially so soon after the event.

What did you think about him using the footage like that? I'm interested in getting a few opinions actually.
 

domble

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Sep 2, 2009
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TheOnceandFutureKing said:
I'm short on time but Ill just assume you praised this movie as the masterpiece that it is.
In a twisted, underhand and contrived way? yes, i actually did lol
 

Therumancer

Citation Needed
Nov 28, 2007
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domble said:
Therumancer said:
Actually I've seen this more than once. I suggest you watch it again. Some people have said that this movie actually improves with each viewing... strangely I think it's true in a way. :)
Nah I did think it was fun to watch, I was just trying to draw a paralell between the rant and the film itself; fun for what it is, but not deep or clever and certainly not something that should be done a lot. lol I think the emphasis was on the word "trying" there :).

The energy is rather amazing, and after watching Ed Wood the other night I have a deeper insight into Wood himself and he came across as rather charming... although i did think it slightly ghoulish the way he used Lugosi's death as a selling point to get his movie made, especially so soon after the event.

What did you think about him using the footage like that? I'm interested in getting a few opinions actually.
Well I think Ed Wood actually believed he was an unrecognized genius, and that he was going to HELP Bela Legosi's memory if anything. The movie about him sort of implied he was a huge fan, and claimed that Bela's career was in the toilet almost as much as some of the other personalities he had involved (though I'm not sure how entirely accurate that is).

That said just by being involved I imagine Bela would have wanted the movie to be finished, and being experienced probably knew what it was going to be like even as it was being made. There also WAS time and money involved and not releasing the movie would have been a waste.

Bela dying like that during a movie is not unique. I seem to remember in "Ben Hur" a guy really died during the Chariot Scene and it wasn't even cut from the movie/reshot. Then of course there was "The Crow" where Brandon Lee died under mysterious circumstances and not only was the footage of hum used, but they used CGI FX to virtually insert him into the movie for the scenes he had not completed.

As they say, "the show must go on" and I think it's something of a motto for actors as well as directors and producers. Movies have a long tradition of continueing just like this one did.

Though admittedly I guess there have been exceptions, there are a lot of urban legends about movies, and there are a lot of rare film collectors who apparently have one of a kind movies, or works that were finished and never seen in theaters or whatever else. The stories behind some of these films (or the suggestion that they exist) can be quite colorful and involve things like murders, torture, coverups, snuff scenes, porn before it's time, or eccentrics hiring top name celebrities for personal productions when they were between filmings.

This has also lead to stories about "haunted films" similar to the one circulated by Steven Speilburg briefly in connection to "Paranormal Acitivity" as well as films that kill the watcher or drive them insane (which might be in private collections). I believe there is a story about a film in which the "Black Dahlia" had a walkthrough despite claims she never successfully got into a film in any capacity, and anyone who sees her scene in it dies for example.

The stories can get quite colorful, and "Masters Of Horror" did an episode inspired by such things ( and it's on DVD in fact) called "Cigarette Burns", which is vaguely like Johnny Depp's "Ninth Gate" except featuring an expert in aquiring rare films as opposed to books.
 

domble

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Sep 2, 2009
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Skullkid4187 said:
longest thread i've seen
lol check out Wanderfreak's stuff, it's at least twice as long as mine.

I think the man's a genius, but i struggle to make it through his work. Nothing to do with him, you understand, it really is just my childish mind getting distracted lol


Therumancer said:
snippity!
Yeah the crow thing is a really good point, but as I heard it Lee's family actually gave permission for the footage to be used. But the thing is that hollywood's so big and influential, hearsay really is just that.

Actually with the film Ed Wood, it just seemed that at one minute Wood was in serious grief for his dead hero, but then the second he couldn't pay his rent he clamoured for the last images of his dead friend to get some money... it wasn't a case of the show having to go on, the show hadn't really had time to stop.

But you're absolutely right, it would have been a waste. It's just the circumstances in which it was used threw me a little.
 

domble

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Sep 2, 2009
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Random argument man said:
_zuul said:
in other words,

the best movie ever?
Let me rephrase that. "Best so bad it's good movie ever"
It is quite epic in it's stupidity... it's hard to believe it's actually a real thing. Still, please, watch it.
 

DemonicVixen

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Skullkid4187 said:
longest thread i've seen
And after you posted, more long posts have come into place. This thread is going to be massive, but not for how many posts, only for the length of the posts.
 

domble

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Sep 2, 2009
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DemonicKitten said:
Skullkid4187 said:
longest thread i've seen
And after you posted, more long posts have come into place. This thread is going to be massive, but not for how many posts, only for the length of the posts.
I blame theromancer, i was just responding lol

nah i enjoy lengthy responses, it's good to know people are reading.
 

Pimppeter2

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Dec 31, 2008
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That was great, I missed your crazy ranting.

Seriously now. It seems like that you have become much better at ranting and reviewing at the same time. Some of your older rants really have no review elements (Still funny as balls though). I just thought I would bring that up.
 

Sven und EIN HUND

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I don't have time to read the whole thing right now, but I must ask, is the first poll option a dream theater reference?
 

domble

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Sep 2, 2009
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pimppeter2 said:
That was great, I missed your crazy ranting.

Seriously now. It seems like that you have become much better at ranting and reviewing at the same time. Some of your older rants really have no review elements (Still funny as balls though). I just thought I would bring that up.
I've grown, I actually think about things before I write them. Also it doesn't hurt when I pee, but that's probably unrelated.

Sven und EIN HUND said:
I don't have time to read the whole thing right now, but I must ask, is the first poll option a dream theater reference?
That depends... what's Dream Theater? If it's a good thing then yeah, I totally meant that :D
 

katsabas

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-When Ed Wood died, the average directing talent for the entire human race, and several species of crab, went up 0.7%. That's right, Ed Wood was part crab.-

Oh My Good God! That explains this then!



I can deal with 3 more hours of studying now. Thanks dumble. I have seen both this and Tim Burton's Ed Wood. They were both good in their own ways.