[HEADING=1]caffeine|[small]domble[/small][/HEADING]
[HEADING=1]MACHETE[/HEADING]
[HEADING=3]It's an 18. Oh, it's an 18.[/HEADING]
When you begin writing, you go through certain changes.
First off, you think of people differently. Rather than your friends, you see slack-jawed, pallid creatures, staring at you with dead eyes whilst ramming apostrophes into random words. These things that can't tell the difference between "who" and "whom" - and your hatred is only fueled by the fact that you can't either. In your besotted misery, you turn to reviewing - butchering the work of others - to dull the pain...
Huh, that went to a dark place. Anyway, with all of this in mind, let's look at the Action Genre.
As someone born in the tail end of the eighties, the time the genre really took off, I idolise the decade I was cheated out of. Every day of that glorious bygone era seemed to bring out a brilliant new shootfest, each more gory and OTT than the last. This was great, but it did the one thing that dooms any genre's chances of improving:
It made money.
Wonga will always change things. With dosh came the want for more, and in order to get more, the audience had to expand. Tearfully, we bade farewell to the blood-soaked, ultra-sweary action romps of yesteryear and greeted these 12a affairs into our homes. I'm talking knife fights with no scratches, and the barbershop quartet of yippee-kai-yay sounding despondent without its mother-bothering baritone.
But that's not to say that the species died out. No, it evolved.
In order to fully enjoy pure violence in our enlightened times, the action genre grew a thick skin of irony. Look, we hark, it's okay to enjoy this reckless abandon because it's meant to be silly. Over the years we've had films like Shoot 'em Up and 300, and they've been more than worthy additions to the genre.
And so we come to today, with a film that made movie history just by existing.
This film was made popular by having a two-minute gag trailer in a completely different movie, and on the strength of that alone, it was made. If an 18-rated actioner does indeed irony to survive, surely this has the greatest chances of all.
Without further ado I give you Machete - a "Mexploitation" so violent and self-aware it beats you to death with a poncho.
[HEADING=2]"I'm a priest, and you want me to kill these men?![/HEADING]
[HEADING=1]... Well, I'll see what I can do."[/HEADING]
[HEADING=3]He's so cool he's Cheech Marin's older brother.[/HEADING]
2010 was the year that Danny Trejo reclaimed his name.
Before Machete he was known as That Guy From ___. That Guy From Spy Kids, That Guy From Predators - seriously, the man had more aliases than Prince.
But even back then, he was known as a bastion of manly things like firearms, lifting dumbbells, and trucks with really big tires. He may have redefined the term "not rushing things" by waiting 66 years to land his first major leading role, but he couldn't have chosen a better creation to bring to life. In Machete he has a character that, from the very start, grabs you by the face and puts you through the nearest window. He's here to seek out injustice and stab it with knives, garden implements and anything else pointy that comes to hand.
All well and good, but this would all be moot if Trejo couldn't sell it. To his unending credit he is utterly convincing, almost to the point where it's actually quite worrying - I get the impression that when Trejo bursts into a room and beats four criminals to death with the fifth, he's not actually aware he's being filmed. They probably just followed him around for a week and cut whatever footage they got into something resembling a plot.
Super, we've got our hero - or at least the guy who feels sort of bad about killing people - done and dusted. Next we need a villain. Or villains, as you're about to learn.
First baddie, fresh from the original trailer, is Michael Booth (Jeff Fahey - Lawnmower Man). For those of you unaware of 'sploitation films, the bad guy is usually white, corporate, and has a voice sounding like he gargles shards of rusty tin. Fahey brings all this to the screen with greasy aplomb, and gives Machete a rival you can't help but love to hate.
Now, I would like to set a scene for you, it's between the director Robert Rodriguez and the casting agent. It goes like this:
Following this conversation the planets aligned, or De Niro's agent had an aneurysm or something and yes, he does appear in this film. His presence in an ultra-violent actioner is welcome, but peculiar; it's like ordering a Big Mac only to find that it's been garnished with Belgian truffles and leprechaun dust.Robert Rodriguez: "You know who we should get to play Senator McLoughlan? Robert De Niro!"
Casting Agent: "De Niro? You mean the man who starred in Casino, Raging Bull and Taxi Driver? That Robert De Niro?"
Rodriguez: "Totally!"
Casting Agent: "Have you been drinking paint again?"
Rodriguez: "C'mon, he was in Little Fockers, this is a step up for him."
Casting Agent: "Well I guess he does love money..."
Also good, but what any action film of this type needs is a host of partially dressed totty to swoon over between the bigger of the explosions. Thankfully Rodriguez, who seems to be directly in his element, fully realises this and treats the beer-and-chips crowd to a cavalcade of world-class beauties.
You've got Jessica Alba as immigration cop Sartana Rivera, once again proving how cool she is after her turn in Sin City. Turn ons include five second shower scenes, the Wii, and dangerous OAPs, turn offs probably include smokers, if my luck is anything to go by. She's joined by Michelle Rodriguez (the real-life wife of the director), whom[footnote]That's probably right. Whatever.[/footnote] probably had some sharp words about said shower scenes.
In a film about bombastic blokes racking a tidy death toll, it's surprising that one of the juiciest roles in the film is actually a fizzled-out starlet who has been the punchline of a lot of jokes over the past few years. Lindsey Lohan (?!), who fills in for daughter-of-bad guy April Booth, does a shockingly game parody of, well, her entire life thus far. April is a socialite-turned-murderous nun, and the only character who not only has a decent arc, but manages to stand out against the gruff one-liners and body parts flying everywhere.
Which brings me neatly to the last character I want to talk about, drug baron Torrez (Steven Segal - Every D-Grade Action Flick, Ever), the most evil man since my supervillain alter-ego, Captain StabYouInTheFace. Of course the joke is that all of these a-listers wouldn't touch this kind of film if irony wasn't swathed on it like whipped cream, but the problem with hiring steven Segal is that this is the kind of film he does. Well, let's not mince words, this is the only kind of film he can do. While it may be stunt casting that looks great on paper, it's a bit like when I invited my uncle to my birthday party last year: he turned up late smelling of cheap whiskey, embarrassed himself by making clumsy passes at my best friends, then passed out in the pool.
Yeah.. we'd get him help, but frankly it's hilarious.
[HEADING=2]"We didn't cross the border...[/HEADING]
[HEADING=1]... the border crossed us!"[/HEADING]
[HEADING=3]In Soviet Russia, the border crosses... wait, no - you cross the...
AaarrRRgHH![/HEADING]
Let?s get the obvious out of the way first: Machete isn?t about anything.
Okay, it might have themes of social injustice and border control, but saying it's about them is like saying that I?m about poor hygiene and Doritos. It?s empty and brainless by design, meant to be nothing more than an irresponsible amount of weapons-grade fun.
Well let?s take a brief look at the story so I can take a breath between the dick jokes. Machete is a federale, and one of the best in the business; the kind of no-nonsense tough guy who stabs first to eliminate the need to ask questions later. On a routine, hyper-violent raid his partner gets killed, he loses his family and he?s exiled to the US of A, where the American Dream, well, ain?t. After years of working as an illegal day-labourer, he gets an offer from shady types he really can?t refuse. He gets set up, left for dead, survives, then goes on to inflict furious, righteous revenge on- yadda yadda yadda.
In essence, the film is a send-up of all the old idiosyncrasies of the genre, for good or ill. Some characters are purposely two dimensional, the majority of plot elements are purposely stupid and the action is, by design, dramatic and over-wrought ? in effect, the perfect defence against wretched naysayers like yours truly.
Well the hell with that, I?ll penetrate this critic Kevlar if it?s the last thing I do.
First off, the entire film is presented with grindhouse-style film grain and nostalgic references, but it seems determined to ram modern day gadgetry somewhere in the mix too. The inclusion of mobile phones and Nintendo product placement is a little jarring, and can only be compared to being driven around a scenic countryside, your enjoyment of the panoramic vista only slightly marred by the driver poking you every ten minutes to remind you that the steering wheel isn?t actually attached to anything.
Another thing is the very origin of the film. I've already gnawed your eyeballs out[footnote]The visual equivalent of chewing your ear off.[/footnote] about it spawning from a trailer, but they used parts of that trailer in the film itself. Yes the film is supposed to be cheap and nasty, but there's good cheap and nasty (Blankety Blank) and bad cheap and nasty (diamante thongs), and that falls into the latter.
Honestly I'm only mentioning all of this because the film tried to avoid it. Give Machete a chance and you'll be treated to a film that can boast a cracking set of solid action scenes, witty faux-cliche dialogue and quirky self reference, all wrapped in some of the darkest humour this side of Frankie Boyle.
What's amazing is how clever it is in its own stupid way. It pokes fun at itself and the genre in general while reminding you just how exhilarating these films can truly be, and serves up mindless cliches while reminding you just how much you love them anyway. Through a simple story and gloriously OTT fights, it will keep you entertained with nonsense while barely putting a foot wrong.
It's what I like to call a "safe" film. Its very concept guarantees at least an hour and a half of escapism, more than enough to distract you from the fact that your life is a lot more boring than the ones presented on screen to entertain you.
Add to this that it actually tries anyway and you have the makings of a classic on your hands.
[HEADING=2]"You just messed...[/HEADING]
[HEADING=1]... with the wrong Mexican."[/HEADING]
[HEADING=3]Okay, you got me - he didn't say messed.[/HEADING]
The Verdict? A big block of retarded, slicey fun.
Machete doesn't reach for the stars, or even anything resembling coherence or structure, but what it does deliver is a great, easy watch that winks as it thrills you.
As a final note, you'll notice how jaded as an audience we've become that someone can think a film with a title which is, essentially, StabbyDeath, can be in any world "a safe bet".
[HEADING=1]Hey guys, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!
If any of you ever wanted to follow me on Twitter - I don't know, maybe you're curious to learn inane facts about my life that I don't feel justified actually texting to people - then good news! My feed is dombleY.
No weirdos. Okay, maybe a few, but that's it.
[/HEADING]
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Can't sleep? Me either.
Film: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.238816-Caffeine-Bad-Lieutenant-Port-of-Call-New-Orleans] / Inception [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.231490-Caffeine-Inception-One-Year-Anniversary] / Black Dynamite [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.226865-Caffeine-Black-Dynamite] / A Scanner Darkly [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.199489-Caffeine-A-Scanner-Darkly] / Iron Man 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.195243-Caffeine-Iron-Man-2] / Terminator Salvation [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.191560-Caffeine-Terminator-Salvation-and-the-calamity-of-fourquels] / Serenity [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.189502-Caffeine-Serenity] / Frost/Nixon [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.187906-Caffeine-Frost-Nixon] / Kick-Ass [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.185181-Caffeine-Kick-Ass#5608635] / The Hurt Locker [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.183962-Caffeine-The-Hurt-Locker#5524103] / Pretty Woman [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.183238-Caffeine-Pretty-Woman] / The Haunting in Connecticut [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.181389-Caffeine-The-Haunting-in-Connecticut] / The Watchmen [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.180241-Caffeine-The-Watchmen-and-a-few-words-on-the-art-of-Adaptation] / The Men Who Stare at Goats [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.170886-Caffeine-The-Men-Who-Stare-at-Goats-25th-Review] / In the Loop [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.165442] / a Plan 9 from Outer Space rant [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.166079-Caffeine-a-Plan-9-from-Outer-Space-rant#4395286] / Moon [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.162973] / Pulp Fiction [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.156647] / Night Watch [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.154980] / X-Men Origins: Wolverine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.153507] / The Departed [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149527] / Star Trek 2009 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149058#3470961] / A review of Love Happens (Without seeing it first) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148846#3460365] / Inglourious Basterds [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147977#3420043] / Fight Club Essay [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147655#3403751] / District 9 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147097#3373011] / The Crow 4: Wicked Prayer [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.137348#3089948]
Game: Resident Evil 5 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.222184-Caffeine-Resident-Evil-5-and-a-few-words-on-racism] / ME2 DLC Bonanza! [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.216231-Caffeine-Mass-Effect-2-DLC-Bonanza-1-2] / Red Dead Redemption [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.201344-Caffeine-Red-Dead-Redemption] / Final Fantasy VIII retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.185358-Caffeine-Final-Fantasy-VIII] / Modern Warfare II, and the making of Caffeine [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.161600] / Final Fantasy Double Feature [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.158465] / Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]
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The Knuckleduster : Mass Effect 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.182033-Pimppeter2-and-Domble-present-The-Knuckleduster-Mass-Effect-2] / The Trial of Society, via Modern Warfare II [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.204216-Pimppeter2-Domble-present-The-Knuckleduster-The-Trial-of-Society-via-Modern-Warfare-II]
