Let me welcome you to the year 2000.
Disappointingly the world didn't end at the millennium as was predicted, so everyone had to go back to work looking slightly sheepish about the fact that they had told their bosses exactly what they thought about them a few nights beforehand.
It was also the beginning of the era of the Superhero movie.
There had been Superhero movies before, don't get me wrong, but never has the genre been as mainstream as it is today.
It seems that every week now a new Hero is in the cinema, lying in wait to accost your eyeballs with high-octane action and secret identities.
Anybody in the loop (I'm single, so I qualify) will know that the two Mac Daddies of the genre are Marvel and DC.
Marvel and DC have always seemed to be locked into this never ending battle for the souls of the geek populace.
Constant bitching and lawsuits are traded, but every now and again they'll grit their teeth together and do a crossover.
Honestly it's like a really nerdy gang war, with ferocity not seen since the days of the Bill Gates Posse taking on the Macintosh Street Rude Boys.
Me? I've always been in DC's corner.
Marvel seem to have this pressing need to be avante garde - making poppy, identikit movies that they are praying will join seamlessly together in the Avengers movie.
And if they aren't praying, they should be. Jerking off with films like The Incredible Hulk must be followed by an orgasm.
Not a comic goes by that they don't mention new gadgets like the iPhone or make references to the hottest new actors and actresses.
In the Ultimates run they even cast themselves if a movie was ever to be made.
DC, I've always found, tend to make more timeless pieces.
But that's just me, they're both cool.
Well, not cool. You know what I mean.
Having said this however, for the longest time Marvel seemed to be winning the Superhero War.
The films did better, they had more cartoons and their toys sold more. They were doing great all around, if I'm honest.
Then along came a film that changed the face of comic adaptations forever.
The Dark Knight was a he-***** man-slap that shook the genre to it's core. It's not only regarded as one of the best adaptations, but also as one of the best films ever made; in a recent poll it was voted by the readers of Empire Magazine as the 15th greatest movie of all time [http://www.empireonline.com/500/93.asp], meaning you could utter it in the same sentence as, say, Taxi Driver.
No small accomplishment.
So, it's understandable that adaptations are standing in a rather large, Bat-shaped shadow of late. Can X-Men Origins: Wolverine dethrone the King?
For those of you playing at home, look away now.
[HEADING=2]"Great, stuck in an elevator with five guys on high protein diets. Dreams really do come true."[/HEADING][small]Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool. My introduction to this review was longer than his entire screen time.[/small]
As you might have guessed, the film is about Wolverine, played by the brilliant-as-bloody-always Hugh Jackman.
I hate the man because he is proof that men are decidedly not created equal.
No one should be talented, funny, convincing, good looking and be able to sing. It's just unfair.
It also infuriates me that this video makes me happier than I ever thought possible. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvTZ_PVKNf0]
Yes, he's brilliant. He's electrifying, incandescent and my underwear disintegrated just watching him.
So it's a begrudging, I'll-stab-him-for-being-so-brilliant-if-I-ever-meet-him thumbs up from me.
Can the rest of the cast live up to him?
Well, next we have Sabretooth.
Oh, I'm sorry, Victor Creed, as played by Liev Schreiber.
But wait, I hear you ask, wasn't Sabretooth in the original X-Men film?
Yes, yes he was, only they Constantined the character so much that they had to pull that favourite trick Hollywood has of late: The Reboot.
Sabretooth is reinvented as a more erudite, cunning thing; a predatory animal, stalking the scenes and setting the plot in action.
To Schreiber's credit, he is an intimidating character. It's just a shame that he's intimidating in a completely inconsequential way.
Next in the rogue gallery comes William Stryker, the mastermind behind the unit Wolverine and Sabretooth join for some reason.
Honestly, this character simply serves as a feeble attempt to tap into the current fear of military leaders. His fascist shtick and ruthless methods try to depict someone we could see doing well in the army, but usually it just comes across as cartoonish hate crimes that would leave Enoch Powell thinking "Jeez, can't we all just get along?"
Danny Huston does the best he can with the material he's given, even coming across as creepy and steely-minded at times. In some scenes you can even compare him to Brian Cox in X2[footnote]Interesting tidbit: X2's screenplay was written by one David Hayter, who played Snake in the Metal Gear Solid series. I'm here to educate, too.[/footnote], and if your performance can be compared to the erstwhile Hannibal Lecter then you are doing something right.
Working with Stryker in secret is Silverfox, as played by Lyn Collins.
Collins should have been replaced with Rachel Weisz.
Not for any professional reasons, you understand, I just like seeing Rachel Weisz in as much as possible. Preferably wearing as little as possible.
But I digress.
In a film filled with claws, healing factors and eyebeams, it's odd that the leading lady's super cool superpower is the ability to talk to people and they really, really listen.
She, again, does what she can but seeing as her character merely serves as a weak plot twist in the third act, you can imagine that it's not all that memorable.
You'll notice that there's a general theme of "doing the best they can with what's given".
This is never more noticeable than with Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson/Deadpool, or DINO as he's come to be known (Deadpool In Name Only).
I'm a huge fan of Reynolds, almost to the point where my friends question my heterosexuality, but I really do believe that he's got the talent, looks, comic timing and ability to be the biggest thing on earth.
In his entire career he's been the best thing in every film he's done.
Would Blade: Trinity be anything other than a war crime without him? No.
So to see him hamstrung like this, to be given the juiciest role of his entire career and put to the sidelines with scant screen time, nothing to work with and making him a bad guy in a way that defies logic?
Brings a tear to the penis.
EYE. I meant eye.
In the finale he is revealed as Deadpool. With his mouth sewed shut.
In fact, let me reiterate that sentence - I'll embolden anything that, y'know, goes against all common sense.
Wildly, wildly misjudged.
Hopefully his role as Green Lantern in 2012 will give him the success he deserves.
Oh, Gambit (played by Taylored Quiche, or whatever his name is) is there too, but he also loses the fight for screen time with the cornucopia of other characters they felt it necessary to ram in at all costs.
With a bit of trimming from an editor who was even half awake this situation could have been avoided, but as it is you just have a mess of actors who don't get to do justice to the characters they are given, and the film really suffers for it.
The rest of the cast are the usual fare; solid, although some of them tend to deliver their lines like they are unsure, and a little scared, of what lies at the other end of the sentence.
[HEADING=2]"Jesus pal, don't you ever shut up?"[/HEADING][small]Huge What? Wolverine mirroring the thoughts of my readers.[/small]
To start off, let me say that I hate it when superheros/villains have names that reflect in some way on their powers.
"Daniel Brickwell" becoming the criminal mastermind "Brick"? With brick-coloured skin, made of brick-coloured brick? What are the chances?
You know, it's not hard to think of names. In fact, I'll do a few now: Alex Jones, Frederick Hapshat, Alicia Le Bont - see? Easy.
You'll understand my point when I tell you that we are introduced to the soon-to-be Wolverine in the form of James Howlett, circa 1845.
Wolverine, wolf, howl... Geddit? No, because it isn't funny. Or clever.
Anyway, we find Jim living in unrivaled opulence in his gorgeous, stately home.
Just in case you don't empathise with his immense wealth, Jimmy will kindly endear himself to you by murdering his father.
He then runs away from his luxury accommodation with his brother, Victor (?!), and goes on to montage every war from then to now.
Somehow, in between slaughtering soldiers and avoiding showers, they find the time to make sure no one notices that they are completely fucking invincible, two hundred year old killing machines.
All this, of course, is if you are watching the genuine article.
If you're one of those filthy Torrent monkeys then you will be watching half-CGI'd planes fly into cardboard boxes.
If this is the case then you might notice, amongst the harnesses and safety wires, that Victor is starting to lose it.
This culminates in him striking a superior officer in Vietnam, earning himself and Wolverine both front row seats at the Firing Squad Gala.
This is where Bill Stryker pops in, fresh from an office somewhere, to offer these paragons of self control a job in "a speshull team".
Or at least that's the impression I got.
Anyway, next comes "The Scene".
You know The Scene, the one where everyone gets to show what sad and repentant / batshit loco mass murderers they are.
As you might have guessed, all of them love stamping on kittens and attacking baby seals with golf clubs apart from our hairy protagonist.
Oh no, Wolverine will only kill if it's right.
Or if they're doing something dodgy.
Or if they make him angry.
Or if they eyeball his woman.
Not the point, the point is that even if he does have to eviscerate someone he'll at least have the common decency to pretend not to enjoy it.
He has standards.
Boring story short, Wolverine quits and decides to live out a life of humble, honest labour with his wife, Silverfox.
That is until Victor returns and kills her. Well, he doesn't, she comes back at the end. Or something.
Look, there's a plot here.
A plot that could have been rather good if they A) didn't write the script on the back of the actor's hands ten minutes before shooting and B) gave a shit.
In the words of the creator: 'Nuff said.
[HEADING=2]"Wake me when it's over."[/HEADING][small]Victor, I would've killed for that option. Honest to god killed.[/small]
Okay, so the plot doesn't work on any noticeable level.
This is because all of the time and effort was put into crafting a watertight universe that the diverse characters could gnaw on.
Oh wait, sorry - that's a different, better movie.
No, this film is holier than the Pope's colander after he just made Jesus sprouts.
Now I could spend all day going through each and every little foible the film makes, listing bad choice after bad choice, but I have a better idea.
Let's do some cooking with my patented Instant Plot Hole Recipe.
So, grab a mixing bowl and add the word "Why" to the following ingredients:
The film suffers from a series of ailments; CGI that can give panic attacks, a script that sounds like it reached the first draft and gave up, and a shockingly neglectful lack of respect for a lot of well-loved characters.
But nothing is as insipid as the references it makes to the rest of the franchise.
It explains how Wolverine got his jacket (the question on all our lips), the adamantium chamber is there again, and we get a cameo from William Stryker's son - Jason.
He was, aha, "chilling out".
Ahem.
So I ask you: what is an organism that desperately clings to a much larger, more nutritious host?
That's right, a parasite.
[HEADING=2]"I'm the best at what I do, and what I do isn't very nice."[/HEADING][small]Yes Wolverine, laughable spin offs can be nasty.[/small]
The Verdict?
This is Fansterbation.
It's something made to appease the masses about the only character left even slightly interesting after the notorious X3 massacre - and if you think my review of Wolverine is acidic, you should hear some of the comments I have about that celluloid car crash.
Wolverine does have good points; the action and fight scenes are visceral and varied, the actors are charismatic if a little insubstantial, and the pacing is alright.
But all of the bright lights and spectacle heavily detract from the ideals of equality and union that the X-franchise has always been about.
So we end today, gentle reader, with a bit of movie news.
Following Wolverine'scritical financial success, there have been rumours circulating that there is going to be a film called X-Men Origins: Magneto.
The only problem is that he's not an X-Man. And he's no longer Magneto. And we already know his bloody origin.
Let's go back to my opening bat-question.
The crown of The Dark Knight is safe. That is, officially, the understatement of the century.
This film just doesn't have the direction, uniqueness or heart to topple the throne.
Wolverine has simply proven that we don't need another origin, we need originality.
But still, the battle rages on.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Can't sleep? Me either.
[HEADING=1]X-Men Origins: Wolverine[/HEADING]
Let me welcome you to the year 2000.
Disappointingly the world didn't end at the millennium as was predicted, so everyone had to go back to work looking slightly sheepish about the fact that they had told their bosses exactly what they thought about them a few nights beforehand.
There had been Superhero movies before, don't get me wrong, but never has the genre been as mainstream as it is today.
It seems that every week now a new Hero is in the cinema, lying in wait to accost your eyeballs with high-octane action and secret identities.
Anybody in the loop (I'm single, so I qualify) will know that the two Mac Daddies of the genre are Marvel and DC.
Marvel and DC have always seemed to be locked into this never ending battle for the souls of the geek populace.
Constant bitching and lawsuits are traded, but every now and again they'll grit their teeth together and do a crossover.
Honestly it's like a really nerdy gang war, with ferocity not seen since the days of the Bill Gates Posse taking on the Macintosh Street Rude Boys.
Me? I've always been in DC's corner.
Marvel seem to have this pressing need to be avante garde - making poppy, identikit movies that they are praying will join seamlessly together in the Avengers movie.
And if they aren't praying, they should be. Jerking off with films like The Incredible Hulk must be followed by an orgasm.
Not a comic goes by that they don't mention new gadgets like the iPhone or make references to the hottest new actors and actresses.
In the Ultimates run they even cast themselves if a movie was ever to be made.
DC, I've always found, tend to make more timeless pieces.
But that's just me, they're both cool.
Well, not cool. You know what I mean.
Having said this however, for the longest time Marvel seemed to be winning the Superhero War.
The films did better, they had more cartoons and their toys sold more. They were doing great all around, if I'm honest.
Then along came a film that changed the face of comic adaptations forever.
The Dark Knight was a he-***** man-slap that shook the genre to it's core. It's not only regarded as one of the best adaptations, but also as one of the best films ever made; in a recent poll it was voted by the readers of Empire Magazine as the 15th greatest movie of all time [http://www.empireonline.com/500/93.asp], meaning you could utter it in the same sentence as, say, Taxi Driver.
No small accomplishment.
So, it's understandable that adaptations are standing in a rather large, Bat-shaped shadow of late. Can X-Men Origins: Wolverine dethrone the King?
For those of you playing at home, look away now.
As you might have guessed, the film is about Wolverine, played by the brilliant-as-bloody-always Hugh Jackman.
I hate the man because he is proof that men are decidedly not created equal.
No one should be talented, funny, convincing, good looking and be able to sing. It's just unfair.
It also infuriates me that this video makes me happier than I ever thought possible. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvTZ_PVKNf0]
Yes, he's brilliant. He's electrifying, incandescent and my underwear disintegrated just watching him.
So it's a begrudging, I'll-stab-him-for-being-so-brilliant-if-I-ever-meet-him thumbs up from me.
Can the rest of the cast live up to him?
Well, next we have Sabretooth.
Oh, I'm sorry, Victor Creed, as played by Liev Schreiber.
But wait, I hear you ask, wasn't Sabretooth in the original X-Men film?
Yes, yes he was, only they Constantined the character so much that they had to pull that favourite trick Hollywood has of late: The Reboot.
Sabretooth is reinvented as a more erudite, cunning thing; a predatory animal, stalking the scenes and setting the plot in action.
To Schreiber's credit, he is an intimidating character. It's just a shame that he's intimidating in a completely inconsequential way.
Next in the rogue gallery comes William Stryker, the mastermind behind the unit Wolverine and Sabretooth join for some reason.
Honestly, this character simply serves as a feeble attempt to tap into the current fear of military leaders. His fascist shtick and ruthless methods try to depict someone we could see doing well in the army, but usually it just comes across as cartoonish hate crimes that would leave Enoch Powell thinking "Jeez, can't we all just get along?"
Danny Huston does the best he can with the material he's given, even coming across as creepy and steely-minded at times. In some scenes you can even compare him to Brian Cox in X2[footnote]Interesting tidbit: X2's screenplay was written by one David Hayter, who played Snake in the Metal Gear Solid series. I'm here to educate, too.[/footnote], and if your performance can be compared to the erstwhile Hannibal Lecter then you are doing something right.
Working with Stryker in secret is Silverfox, as played by Lyn Collins.
Collins should have been replaced with Rachel Weisz.
Not for any professional reasons, you understand, I just like seeing Rachel Weisz in as much as possible. Preferably wearing as little as possible.
But I digress.
In a film filled with claws, healing factors and eyebeams, it's odd that the leading lady's super cool superpower is the ability to talk to people and they really, really listen.
She, again, does what she can but seeing as her character merely serves as a weak plot twist in the third act, you can imagine that it's not all that memorable.
You'll notice that there's a general theme of "doing the best they can with what's given".
This is never more noticeable than with Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson/Deadpool, or DINO as he's come to be known (Deadpool In Name Only).
I'm a huge fan of Reynolds, almost to the point where my friends question my heterosexuality, but I really do believe that he's got the talent, looks, comic timing and ability to be the biggest thing on earth.
In his entire career he's been the best thing in every film he's done.
Would Blade: Trinity be anything other than a war crime without him? No.
So to see him hamstrung like this, to be given the juiciest role of his entire career and put to the sidelines with scant screen time, nothing to work with and making him a bad guy in a way that defies logic?
Brings a tear to the penis.
EYE. I meant eye.
In the finale he is revealed as Deadpool. With his mouth sewed shut.
In fact, let me reiterate that sentence - I'll embolden anything that, y'know, goes against all common sense.
They sewed Ryan Reynolds' Mouth Shut.
Wildly, wildly misjudged.
Hopefully his role as Green Lantern in 2012 will give him the success he deserves.
Oh, Gambit (played by Taylored Quiche, or whatever his name is) is there too, but he also loses the fight for screen time with the cornucopia of other characters they felt it necessary to ram in at all costs.
With a bit of trimming from an editor who was even half awake this situation could have been avoided, but as it is you just have a mess of actors who don't get to do justice to the characters they are given, and the film really suffers for it.
The rest of the cast are the usual fare; solid, although some of them tend to deliver their lines like they are unsure, and a little scared, of what lies at the other end of the sentence.
[HEADING=2]"Jesus pal, don't you ever shut up?"[/HEADING][small]Huge What? Wolverine mirroring the thoughts of my readers.[/small]
To start off, let me say that I hate it when superheros/villains have names that reflect in some way on their powers.
"Daniel Brickwell" becoming the criminal mastermind "Brick"? With brick-coloured skin, made of brick-coloured brick? What are the chances?
You know, it's not hard to think of names. In fact, I'll do a few now: Alex Jones, Frederick Hapshat, Alicia Le Bont - see? Easy.
You'll understand my point when I tell you that we are introduced to the soon-to-be Wolverine in the form of James Howlett, circa 1845.
Wolverine, wolf, howl... Geddit? No, because it isn't funny. Or clever.
Anyway, we find Jim living in unrivaled opulence in his gorgeous, stately home.
Just in case you don't empathise with his immense wealth, Jimmy will kindly endear himself to you by murdering his father.
He then runs away from his luxury accommodation with his brother, Victor (?!), and goes on to montage every war from then to now.
Somehow, in between slaughtering soldiers and avoiding showers, they find the time to make sure no one notices that they are completely fucking invincible, two hundred year old killing machines.
All this, of course, is if you are watching the genuine article.
If you're one of those filthy Torrent monkeys then you will be watching half-CGI'd planes fly into cardboard boxes.
If this is the case then you might notice, amongst the harnesses and safety wires, that Victor is starting to lose it.
This culminates in him striking a superior officer in Vietnam, earning himself and Wolverine both front row seats at the Firing Squad Gala.
This is where Bill Stryker pops in, fresh from an office somewhere, to offer these paragons of self control a job in "a speshull team".
Or at least that's the impression I got.
Anyway, next comes "The Scene".
You know The Scene, the one where everyone gets to show what sad and repentant / batshit loco mass murderers they are.
As you might have guessed, all of them love stamping on kittens and attacking baby seals with golf clubs apart from our hairy protagonist.
Oh no, Wolverine will only kill if it's right.
Or if they're doing something dodgy.
Or if they make him angry.
Or if they eyeball his woman.
Not the point, the point is that even if he does have to eviscerate someone he'll at least have the common decency to pretend not to enjoy it.
He has standards.
Boring story short, Wolverine quits and decides to live out a life of humble, honest labour with his wife, Silverfox.
That is until Victor returns and kills her. Well, he doesn't, she comes back at the end. Or something.
Look, there's a plot here.
A plot that could have been rather good if they A) didn't write the script on the back of the actor's hands ten minutes before shooting and B) gave a shit.
In the words of the creator: 'Nuff said.
[HEADING=2]"Wake me when it's over."[/HEADING][small]Victor, I would've killed for that option. Honest to god killed.[/small]
This is because all of the time and effort was put into crafting a watertight universe that the diverse characters could gnaw on.
Oh wait, sorry - that's a different, better movie.
No, this film is holier than the Pope's colander after he just made Jesus sprouts.
Now I could spend all day going through each and every little foible the film makes, listing bad choice after bad choice, but I have a better idea.
Let's do some cooking with my patented Instant Plot Hole Recipe.
So, grab a mixing bowl and add the word "Why" to the following ingredients:
- -does Stryker not give the only gun that can hurt Wolverine to Agent Zero, the hitman with perfect aim?
-is Blob there at all?
-is Stryker's answer to the mutant problem to build the biggest, most unkillable mutant ever?
-doesn't Victor have any visible motivation?
-THE FUCK DID THEY SEW RYAN REYNOLDS' MOUTH SHUT!?
The film suffers from a series of ailments; CGI that can give panic attacks, a script that sounds like it reached the first draft and gave up, and a shockingly neglectful lack of respect for a lot of well-loved characters.
But nothing is as insipid as the references it makes to the rest of the franchise.
It explains how Wolverine got his jacket (the question on all our lips), the adamantium chamber is there again, and we get a cameo from William Stryker's son - Jason.
He was, aha, "chilling out".
Ahem.
So I ask you: what is an organism that desperately clings to a much larger, more nutritious host?
That's right, a parasite.
[HEADING=2]"I'm the best at what I do, and what I do isn't very nice."[/HEADING][small]Yes Wolverine, laughable spin offs can be nasty.[/small]
The Verdict?
This is Fansterbation.
It's something made to appease the masses about the only character left even slightly interesting after the notorious X3 massacre - and if you think my review of Wolverine is acidic, you should hear some of the comments I have about that celluloid car crash.
Wolverine does have good points; the action and fight scenes are visceral and varied, the actors are charismatic if a little insubstantial, and the pacing is alright.
But all of the bright lights and spectacle heavily detract from the ideals of equality and union that the X-franchise has always been about.
So we end today, gentle reader, with a bit of movie news.
Following Wolverine's
The only problem is that he's not an X-Man. And he's no longer Magneto. And we already know his bloody origin.
Let's go back to my opening bat-question.
The crown of The Dark Knight is safe. That is, officially, the understatement of the century.
This film just doesn't have the direction, uniqueness or heart to topple the throne.
Wolverine has simply proven that we don't need another origin, we need originality.
But still, the battle rages on.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Can't sleep? Me either.
Film: The Departed [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149527] / Star Trek 2009 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.149058#3470961] / A review of Love Happens (Without seeing it first) [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148846#3460365] / Inglourious Basterds [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147977#3420043] / Fight Club Essay [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147655#3403751] / District 9 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.147097#3373011] / The Crow 4: Wicked Prayer [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.137348#3089948]
Game: Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]
Other: A Review of Society, via Call of Duty 4 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.151891] / A review of My Cat [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.146281#3332788]
Game: Resident Evil 4 Retrospective [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.148447#3440710] / Mass Effect [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.145571#3296970] / Final Fantasy: Dissidea [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.144913#3266704] / Metal Gear Solid Twin Snakes [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.140353#3149506] / Far Cry 2 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.139317#3129015] / Street Fighter IV [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.136868#3079685]
Other: A Review of Society, via Call of Duty 4 [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.151891] / A review of My Cat [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.146281#3332788]
