Can't connect with girls in person

[chuckman1]

Hi I am 20 and in college. I came from a home with domestic violence and divorce until 12 which has made some of this social and dating business more confusing and hard than it should be. I was raised by my mom and had no brothers.
Anyway, I can only get stuff started with girls through online dating. People always organically hangout then start dating but that's never happened to me. With an exception of dating a girl i just met, all of my few flings and stuff come from dating sites where its obvious the 2 of you are interested. Id say i haven't experienced a healthy long public relationship.

Yesterday i threw a party for a girl im into and i felt like everyone there had a girl with me. She danced and grinded with so many guys except me. Same with the other girls. This is just sort of an example. Am i really supposed to be as rodiculous as all the guys jumping on and grinding? Don't get me wrong i like that stuff. But being raised by women may make it harder to take risky or aggressive moves.

Anyway im depressed currently but this isn't why. I have similar issues when not depressed I just felt lovely in the middle of 30 people yesterday?

How the hell do i get a girl that I know in real life to go on a date, kiss me, dance with me. Something here is not connecting.

 

[Trivun]

Not sure if I'm the best person to give advice on this sort of level, but I did kind of have that for years, and it's starting to disappear now that I'm becoming more social. I use online dating as well, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I see your point about wanting to meet people offline (it's definitely a lot better than just relying on the internet). Out of the last five girls I dated, three were people I met online and two were people I met through real life (mixed degrees of success on each though).

What helped me was throwing myself into social interactions. When I was at university, I mixed more with people than when I was at school, but I had a crippling shyness that stopped me from talking to girls outside friendship (I was quite interested in two girls I knew in particular, but never told them - one of them is now engaged to her boyfriend who was a fellow housemate of mine, and the other I've not spoken to for about four years, just through drifting apart after we left uni). I started to move away from that shyness by joining the film-making society which gave me a great hobby that I loved (and still do), and got me interacting with more people from a range of backgrounds.

When I finished uni and started working full time, I joined Meetup.com (no links, it's not an advert for the site, I dare say a lot of people on the Escapist have heard of this place) which is basically a social site for literally any interest or hobby you could have. I joined a group for people in my local area in their 20s, and met tons of people through it - over three years later I'm now the main organiser for that group and my social circle is a lot wider and more active than ever. It did wonders for my self confidence, and it's through friends I met there, who I see on a regular basis (at least twice a week in fact), that I met my last girlfriend, and went on a number of dates with another girl from there about a year ago.

Don't get me wrong, online dating has helped as well - what's important wherever you search for romance though is to be outgoing and confident and to try breaking out of your comfort zone. I still find it hard to ask girls out on dates, but I wouldn't have dared do it a few years ago whereas now I can actually take the plunge and do it, and it helped me loads by simply expanding my social circle and doing more and meeting more people. It's easier said than done, like a lot of things are, but worth the effort.

Another thing to note is that you shouldn't go out specifically with the intent of looking for love. I mentioned my previous girlfriend - when we first met (about six months ago), she was with another guy and we were simply friends at first. After her now-ex ended that relationship we started to grow closer, and that was purely organic. I never actually asked her on a date, we just started hanging out more, I started staying over at her flat a few times, and we developed into a relationship. It didn't last very long, only a few weeks, but we're still close friends afterwards and I'd say we're closer as friends now than we were before we dated. I still have feelings for her, she ended the relationship herself and I still feel disappointed over that, but I don't regret a minute of it. When we met though, I never expected to be her boyfriend at any point - it happened naturally over time after we became friends first. I know it may not be what you want to hear, but that's the truth of it.

Above all, I'll relay some advice a friend gave me when I was feeling mopey and depressed over my love life - enjoy yourself. Don't focus on the negatives, every girl you ask out or talk to, just enjoy it and focus on the moment. Flirt with girls, don't get hung up on one person and end up getting miserable when they reject you - simply shrug your shoulders, act as if you don't care too much (even when you really do), and move on to the next girl and try again. Eventually you'll meet the person you should be with, and trust me, you won't be expecting it when you do.

Good luck, and hope you find your special someone soon!

 

[Smooth Operator]

Seems you want to run before you walk, you came from isolation and now want to jump right in and master the hardest part of socializing... this always leads to plenty of bumps and bruises.
So I advise you to take baby steps instead, just go out and talk to people for shits and grins, talk and talk to anyone and everyone you can, right up to the point where it's not a big deal any more. Because then it's not a big talking to people you fancy, you won't be tripping over yourself and even if it doesn't go your way you aren't left in a forever-alone hole.

And one the subject "should I do what others do...", that is wise to consider first and for yourself. People act and expect different things from their partners, you could jump through their hoops by putting on a show or take the loss and walk away from things that make you uncomfortable. Figure that out for yourself ahead of time so it's not a shock when things come up in social circles.
And sadly yes the clowns will get far more action then non-clowns, it is a simple fact of our strongly present monkey nature.