Casual relationships..

[similar.squirrel]

It's probably general knowledge by now that I have been dumped, as I have been disseminating the fact in a thoroughly self-pitying manner. Basically, my ex and I had an open relationship type setup, but I became insecure when another guy got involved and she decided it was easier for her to go about involving herself with people without having to worry about my feelings on the matter.
It doesn't feel very nice, but I cannot argue with her on any logical grounds other than the fact that open relationships discount the fact that not everyone can sleep with random people due to factors such as looks charisma. And that's not really logic, anyway.

So, how do I go about leading a similar lifestyle? Ideally, I'd still be with her, but that doesn't seem to be an option any more, and I don't want to get into another relationship. I would, however, like to indulge in the other aspects of human contact. The problem is, I'm not charismatic.
The last three relationships I've been in have been initiated by the women because they were drawn to a diffident, unassuming personality.
This has been a constant source of bitterness for a friend of mine, who has been depressingly single for a long time despite looking like a Greek god and being quite confident. With the exception of one, whom I broke up because there was no overlap in personality at all, every girl bailed when I got too relationship-ey and insceure. So basically, it's that old chestnut about girls being drawn to the sensitive, quiet guy then realising he's a pussy and leaving for another alternative.

And I'm rambling. The crux of the thread is as follows: how does one become involved in the whole 'casual relationship' thing? I'm generally crap in social situations as I get nervous, hence girls making a move on me, and I can't rely on that luck.
I am roughly acquainted with a handful of people, but not on a basis where I would actively hang out with them, meeting all manner of women in the process. And again, the awkwardness thing makes making even friends reasonably difficult.
Is there any method of getting past these things and finding a good rebound? No sleazy pick-up artist stuff, please. I guess this is about confidence/social tips more than anything else.

 

[LetalisK]

Wait, do you truly want a casual relationship or did you just agree to it because your girlfriend wanted it?

 

[Julianking93]

I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused.
Why exactly do you want a casual relationship?

Simply because your ex had it and you want to replicate that or are you just itching for human contact without the added bit of being in a committed relationship? But then you go to say...

I guess this is about confidence/social tips more than anything else.

So is that really the issue here rather than just wanting sex?

 

[similar.squirrel]

I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused.
Why exactly do you want a casual relationship?

Simply because your ex had it and you want to replicate that or are you just itching for human contact without the added bit of being in a committed relationship? But then you go to say...

I guess this is about confidence/social tips more than anything else.

So is that really the issue here rather than just wanting sex?

It's about wanting to enjoy the same benefits she ditched me for, and the means by which I can come by them. Don't know about the sex part on her end because we didn't really go into specific s, but that is what I'm looking for as nothing else seems to be blocking out the bad feelings.

 

[Julianking93]

It's about wanting to enjoy the same benefits she ditched me for, and the means by which I can come by them. Don't know about the sex part on her end because we didn't really go into specific s, but that is what I'm looking for as nothing else seems to be blocking out the bad feelings.

So it's more of trying to make up for what she had instead of what you had then?

In that case, what I can tell you is that having sex with a bunch of people out of spite, anger and sadness won't bring you any happiness. It'll only make things worse, in turn making you feel more empty.

Anonymous sex with people you're only using in that way isn't going to make you happy nor will it "block out bad feelings." It'll only exacerbate them. What's best in that case would be, in my opinion, taking time for yourself rather then going out looking for those types of "casual relationships."

 

[DefunctTheory]

It's about wanting to enjoy the same benefits she ditched me for, and the means by which I can come by them. Don't know about the sex part on her end because we didn't really go into specific s, but that is what I'm looking for as nothing else seems to be blocking out the bad feelings.

So it's more of trying to make up for what she had instead of what you had then?

In that case, what I can tell you is that having sex with a bunch of people out of spite, anger and sadness won't bring you any happiness. It'll only make things worse, in turn making you feel more empty.

Anonymous sex with people you're only using in that way isn't going to make you happy nor will it "block out bad feelings." It'll only exacerbate them. What's best in that case would be, in my opinion, taking time for yourself rather then going out looking for those types of "casual relationships."

Sad yet true.

I wish I could offer more, but this is about right. So I guess I'm just here to vouch for Julian.

EDIT: Bold text edit because I am a retard.

 

[LetalisK]

Before you even tackle this question it sounds like you need to work on yourself, specifically your confidence and social skills. Luckily, both of these can usually be increased at the same time. If you aren't already, start getting into fitness. More so you feel good than look good, really. Looking good does help with the feel good part though. It's also just a matter of establishing a healthy lifestyle. Start looking at your nutrition and adjusting it so it's healthier, if you can. It's a fucking *****, and I still struggle violently with it to this day, but it's important.

To increase your social skills, the fastest way is to engage random people in conversations. Once that becomes easier for you to do, then focus on engaging women you find attractive in conversations. Once that gets easier, take the next step to asking for phone numbers, etc. I know it's much easier said than done, but remember this: it's all downhill from the beginning. It gets easier each time as you get more comfortable with it and you realize rejection is just a part of life and really isn't a bad thing.

*Also, look into online dating. It really is a wonderful thing, as it involves much less anxiety. You see someone you like, you type out a paragraph about something in their profile that caught your eye and how it relates to you, send it off. Rinse and repeat. Most probably won't respond, but someone will. You'll trade a few e-mails, then decide to meet up for ice cream or something. You meet up and there is far less anxiety because you already know the person a little bit and you're not meeting a total stranger.

Seriously, people underestimate how fucking amazing online dating is. It's like a Gameshark code of dating.

*This paragraph is under the assumption that you are a legal adult, as I don't believe most dating sites allow minors.

 

[Rylot]

Seriously, people underestimate how fucking amazing online dating is. It's like a Gameshark code of dating./quote]

I've got to second this. It's a very low pressure situation where you get to talk with actual women (okay, most of the time) and can set the parameters of when, where, and how you meet people. I'd recommend this as a way to build up a little confidence, since it can be pretty hard to do.

 

[BonsaiK]

It's probably general knowledge by now that I have been dumped, as I have been disseminating the fact in a thoroughly self-pitying manner. Basically, my ex and I had an open relationship type setup, but I became insecure when another guy got involved and she decided it was easier for her to go about involving herself with people without having to worry about my feelings on the matter.
It doesn't feel very nice, but I cannot argue with her on any logical grounds other than the fact that open relationships discount the fact that not everyone can sleep with random people due to factors such as looks charisma. And that's not really logic, anyway.

So, how do I go about leading a similar lifestyle? Ideally, I'd still be with her, but that doesn't seem to be an option any more, and I don't want to get into another relationship. I would, however, like to indulge in the other aspects of human contact. The problem is, I'm not charismatic.
The last three relationships I've been in have been initiated by the women because they were drawn to a diffident, unassuming personality.
This has been a constant source of bitterness for a friend of mine, who has been depressingly single for a long time despite looking like a Greek god and being quite confident. With the exception of one, whom I broke up because there was no overlap in personality at all, every girl bailed when I got too relationship-ey and insceure. So basically, it's that old chestnut about girls being drawn to the sensitive, quiet guy then realising he's a pussy and leaving for another alternative.

And I'm rambling. The crux of the thread is as follows: how does one become involved in the whole 'casual relationship' thing? I'm generally crap in social situations as I get nervous, hence girls making a move on me, and I can't rely on that luck.
I am roughly acquainted with a handful of people, but not on a basis where I would actively hang out with them, meeting all manner of women in the process. And again, the awkwardness thing makes making even friends reasonably difficult.
Is there any method of getting past these things and finding a good rebound? No sleazy pick-up artist stuff, please. I guess this is about confidence/social tips more than anything else.

If you want to get involved in casual relationships, you need to be casual!

I'm not even joking. I swear that it's my "don't give a fuck"-ness that attracts people to me. If I get needy I'll turn girls away but if I'm relaxed, confident and maybe a little arrogant (comes naturally to me because I'm an asshole, working in the music biz sure helps with that) without being a complete douche, then I have no problems, and I have girls flirting with me, trying to pick me up. But all I'm really doing is being true to myself. It's that emotional honesty, being true to myself while also being confident and without imposing my emotional needs on others.

Here's something for you to watch that's relevant:


He's kind of saying the same thing I'm saying. If you're wondering where to get the confidence from, well, you can always "fake it till you make it", that's how I learnt. The guy in the video talks about people hitting rock bottom before finding themselves, and that's true - once you feel like you've got nothing to lose (because you're already as low as you feel like you can go) then acting with confidence won't have any risk associated with it, because nobody can hurt you, because you're already at the bottom and that's as low as it gets. That's a very powerful feeling and that's a place where you can get confidence from. Then you can rebuild yourself into that person that you wish you were. Of course you don't have to go right to the bottom to get that feeling, you just need to capture that same "I have nothing to lose" energy, which is easier to do when you're there, but not impossible when you're not. Good luck.

 

[Robin Williams]

There is already great advice here. So I will give one simple piece of advice. If you get nervous talking to strangers, start doing it in situations you have even less to lose then with random strange attractive girls. Next time your at a bus stop, or grocery line, or ANYWHERE that is a place with other people just say HI to a random person and strike up a pointless friendly conversation. Do this half a dozen times a week and you will develop the ability to pick up on personality traits, moods, interests, when people want to or don't want to talk etc. This all will lead to doing and saying the right thing when your chance with one of those rare to find cute geek girls comes along. Then you gunna finish that damn quest and be awesome. True story.

 

[Paksenarrion]

Don't do it for sex. Do it for REVENGE.

With this mindset, anything is possible.

 

[SiskoBlue]

Wow, that's harsh. But don't take it personally. There seems to be a lot of pressure to be sexually casual, or completely abstinent. There's not much middle ground. And also why "open relationships" rarely work because there's huge variations of what "open" means and two people will always have different attitudes.

Confidence. Fake it til you make it. All point to an older phrase, "practice makes master". No one is brilliant at anything when they start it. They might have some gifts, they might have skills from other things which are useful, but generally the only way to get better at something is to practice and learn. Once you get used to it, you start getting better at it.

To prove my point, think of the "first day" syndrome. The first day of school, the first day of a job, the first day you joined some sports club. You're terrified, you don't know the rules, you don't know what the outcomes will be, you haven't got a script for what you're supposed to do. It's nerve-wracking. But you get through it. It's usually not as bad as you thought it would be. You keep at it. Before the month is out you're not really feeling nervous anymore, you're not quite confident but you don't feel like you're going to freak out.

A year goes past, two years. After a while you're so comfortable you feel like a master. Which reminds me, beware the 200hour rule. It's thing pilots often suffer from. They're so scared of making a mistake when they start flying that they don't make a mistake. But by their 200th hour they've become confident enough to relax. And that's when they make their first mistake.

So talking to people. Practice makes the master. If you wanted guided help then join a theatre group, or public speaking. I know a guy who learnt restaurant magic (I hate restaurant magicians) but the key to it was magic but learning to talk to strangers.

All these things are terrifying to do but you have to ask the question of yourself. Do you really want to change.

If you want to get comfortable with casual sex, there are plenty of ways to go about that. Just be warned that the result could be a relationshipless life because you forget how to bond people on any other level than sex.

Good luck, don't sweat your ego because you were "clingy" with a girl who found it easier to get laid. It generally is for girls who are willing because they're rarer than guys willing to have casual sex. She shouldn't have felt honoured you tried.

 

[similar.squirrel]

Don't do it for sex. Do it for REVENGE.

With this mindset, anything is possible.

The Official Sith Handbook to Successful Wooing?

 

[Paksenarrion]

Don't do it for sex. Do it for REVENGE.

With this mindset, anything is possible.

The Official Sith Handbook to Successful Wooing?

Yes. Also, as a rule, we hate sand. It's small, rough, and gets everywhere.

We loathe long walks on the beach. We prefer long, drawn out lightsaber duels on volcanic planets.