Before I begin, I just want to start by saying that this thread is really more for myself than anything, I find writing my thoughts rather cathartic, but feel free to share your thoughts and own experiences. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, I just feel this is good for me to get out there, so that someone, somewhere, knows how I'm feeling. A bit self serving, I know, so apologies if this rubs you the wrong way.
The past 5 weeks have been the worst in my life.
A few of you may know that I'm engaged to my highschool sweetheart, that we've been together for 10 years (I'm now 25), if not, well, now you do. This is no longer the case.
For reasons of privacy and respect, I'm not going to go into detail about the conflict itself, just the results.
About 5 weeks ago, I finished up my final day at the place I was working. I'm an agency worker, you see, so I fill in for temp roles, long or short term, so I while I was expecting the job to last longer than it actually did, I wasn't too bothered that it finished early. It was to be expected. This on its own isn't a big deal, but rather it's another straw on the camel's back.
That weekend, me and my fiancée go out for a meal with some friends, a birthday or something, I can't really remember. Anyway, we have a fun night and me and my fiancée catch a taxi home. That's when everything started to fall apart. Again, I won't go in to detail about the argument or the reasons behind, just know that it eventually ended with me kicking her out of the house (a decision I will forever regret) and her getting a taxi to her parent's house at 3 in the morning.
For the next 2 days, I react like you'd expect, I was miserable, angry, regretful, most of the emotions you experience in your typical break up situation. This went on for about 3 days, before I do what I always do in stressful situations.
I escaped.
One thing you have to know about me, I don't deal with my problems head on. I ignore them, bury my head in the sand until the problem resolves itself or simply goes away. So that's what I did. I had just finished my job, so I had nothing else on my plate, I locked myself away and occupied my mind with other things, mostly video games, the internet etc. Me and my fiancée are still in contact, the relationship isn't quite over, it's still hanging by a thread, so, stupidly enough, I pretended like everything would be fine, that she would come back, that everything would go back to normal.
During the first week, I had several bouts of severe depression. At one point I contemplated taking my own life. For those of you who know me around the forums, the persona I use isn't one I created. That's how I really am, I'm typically a happy go lucky kind of guy, I don't tend to stress out about anything, It was only the briefest of moments, but I shocked myself with how quickly my mind went to that as a 'solution'.
That initial week passed, and then nothing. I felt nothing. I was so apathetic about the situation that I considered psychiatric help, I felt like a sociopath. Nobody comes out of a 10 year relationship and feels nothing, there must have been something wrong with me. I was almost comforted by the idea that the situation resolved itself more quickly in my head than I thought, sure I felt nothing, but feeling nothing is better than feeling miserable, right?
3 weeks pass with the same story. I wake up, I turn on my PC, and I do my own thing until it was time for me to rest and then get up and do it all again. I wasn't really looking for a job, even though I really should have been. I was just an apathetic shell, doing the routine, stopping myself from feeling anything. The was until last Saturday.
Me and my Fiancée had booked a holiday with several friends, a little cottage in the arse end of nowhere. Me and her were in separate cars, so no problems there. Then we got to the house.
From nowhere, I'm just overwhelmed by crippling sadness, it's like my entire world is falling apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it. So I pretty much lock myself away in my room and just be miserable for 3 days. My friends don't really try and console me, which is fine, I was probably the worst kind of person to be around at that point. She tries to talk to me, but all I do is spill my guts and tell her how sorry I am, baring in my mind that we were both at fault, but that didn't matter to me, all I could do was cry, and just generally be a pathetic human being.
On the 3rd night, something happens. I'm lying in bed, listening to music. Thinking, just begging myself to stop feeling this way. Something just falls into place. I don't feel miserable any more, sad yes, but not a pathetic crying mass. I feel renewed, and I promise myself that I will sit down with her and talk.
On the 4th day, we go for a trip somewhere, have something to eat, blah blah, whatever, it's not important. When we get back, I take her aside and tell her we need to talk. My eyes are dry and full of purpose. We sit down on her bed and we talk, we get our feelings out in the open and talk about how we can progress passed this. She says she still loves me, but she doesn't seem to have hit the point I have. Sure she's sad, but it's not at the same level. I've already hit rock bottom, and it appears she hasn't. We talk for a while, venting emotions etc.
I don't currently live where I grew up, all my friends and her, do. I have no friends where I am now, no social circle. I'm basically split between 2 places. I tell her this, and she tells me that her feelings might be delayed, that she'll probably get to the point I was in time. I can't wait for that. I can't stay in limbo on the off chance that everything sorts itself out. For the first time in my life, I deal with a situation, the most stressful situation I've ever been in my life.
I end it.
I choose to cut out everything about that part of my life. Her, my friends, everything from the town I grew up in. My reasoning being that I can't move on if a part of me is split between that place. So I get rid it. She thinks I shouldn't stop seeing our friends because of her, but it's the way it has to be, I can't move on with my life if I'm still connected to her. We talk some more, and then we hug and we kiss, and like that, it's over. I tell her that she can call me at any time, should she hit that point, that I'll be waiting for her, but I can't stop to do it. The rest of the holiday is uneventful, and this morning, we both got into separate cars, and we left.
A part of me is starting to consider that Hollywood love stories are not comparable to real life...
A few hours and lots of thinking later, and here I am.
For the first time in my life, I'm alone. I'm alone, and I'm afraid, and I'm terribly sad. I've just had to turn away for the keyboard to cry while typing this.
But I won't let it beat me, I refuse to let it beat me.
I refuse to become the jaded, cynical misanthrope that many people seem to be around here.
I refuse to become something I'm not.
I refuse to let the world grind me down.
I have no aspirations in life, no dream career, I live... lived, for another person, as long as I was with that person, I knew my life would be great, that's all I needed.
Now I'm that 15 year old boy again, I have no clue what life has in store for me. I don't know how to be single, I don't know if I ever could get into another relationship, and at this moment in time, I don't think that I will want another relationship, not for a very long time.
I know what I can do in the mean time, however.
I will find a job, I will start exercising, eating more healthy food, I'll make something positive about this whole mess. There's a yawning chasm of sadness in my heart that could swallow me up at any time, but I have a bridge to cross it, no matter how rickety it is, I know it will not fall.
There's a quote from a famous movie.
'hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.'
I hope I get that call, I hope there's more in store for me than this, I hope I get my happy ending.
Whatever happens, happens.
The past 5 weeks have been the worst in my life.
A few of you may know that I'm engaged to my highschool sweetheart, that we've been together for 10 years (I'm now 25), if not, well, now you do. This is no longer the case.
For reasons of privacy and respect, I'm not going to go into detail about the conflict itself, just the results.
About 5 weeks ago, I finished up my final day at the place I was working. I'm an agency worker, you see, so I fill in for temp roles, long or short term, so I while I was expecting the job to last longer than it actually did, I wasn't too bothered that it finished early. It was to be expected. This on its own isn't a big deal, but rather it's another straw on the camel's back.
That weekend, me and my fiancée go out for a meal with some friends, a birthday or something, I can't really remember. Anyway, we have a fun night and me and my fiancée catch a taxi home. That's when everything started to fall apart. Again, I won't go in to detail about the argument or the reasons behind, just know that it eventually ended with me kicking her out of the house (a decision I will forever regret) and her getting a taxi to her parent's house at 3 in the morning.
For the next 2 days, I react like you'd expect, I was miserable, angry, regretful, most of the emotions you experience in your typical break up situation. This went on for about 3 days, before I do what I always do in stressful situations.
I escaped.
One thing you have to know about me, I don't deal with my problems head on. I ignore them, bury my head in the sand until the problem resolves itself or simply goes away. So that's what I did. I had just finished my job, so I had nothing else on my plate, I locked myself away and occupied my mind with other things, mostly video games, the internet etc. Me and my fiancée are still in contact, the relationship isn't quite over, it's still hanging by a thread, so, stupidly enough, I pretended like everything would be fine, that she would come back, that everything would go back to normal.
During the first week, I had several bouts of severe depression. At one point I contemplated taking my own life. For those of you who know me around the forums, the persona I use isn't one I created. That's how I really am, I'm typically a happy go lucky kind of guy, I don't tend to stress out about anything, It was only the briefest of moments, but I shocked myself with how quickly my mind went to that as a 'solution'.
That initial week passed, and then nothing. I felt nothing. I was so apathetic about the situation that I considered psychiatric help, I felt like a sociopath. Nobody comes out of a 10 year relationship and feels nothing, there must have been something wrong with me. I was almost comforted by the idea that the situation resolved itself more quickly in my head than I thought, sure I felt nothing, but feeling nothing is better than feeling miserable, right?
3 weeks pass with the same story. I wake up, I turn on my PC, and I do my own thing until it was time for me to rest and then get up and do it all again. I wasn't really looking for a job, even though I really should have been. I was just an apathetic shell, doing the routine, stopping myself from feeling anything. The was until last Saturday.
Me and my Fiancée had booked a holiday with several friends, a little cottage in the arse end of nowhere. Me and her were in separate cars, so no problems there. Then we got to the house.
From nowhere, I'm just overwhelmed by crippling sadness, it's like my entire world is falling apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it. So I pretty much lock myself away in my room and just be miserable for 3 days. My friends don't really try and console me, which is fine, I was probably the worst kind of person to be around at that point. She tries to talk to me, but all I do is spill my guts and tell her how sorry I am, baring in my mind that we were both at fault, but that didn't matter to me, all I could do was cry, and just generally be a pathetic human being.
On the 3rd night, something happens. I'm lying in bed, listening to music. Thinking, just begging myself to stop feeling this way. Something just falls into place. I don't feel miserable any more, sad yes, but not a pathetic crying mass. I feel renewed, and I promise myself that I will sit down with her and talk.
On the 4th day, we go for a trip somewhere, have something to eat, blah blah, whatever, it's not important. When we get back, I take her aside and tell her we need to talk. My eyes are dry and full of purpose. We sit down on her bed and we talk, we get our feelings out in the open and talk about how we can progress passed this. She says she still loves me, but she doesn't seem to have hit the point I have. Sure she's sad, but it's not at the same level. I've already hit rock bottom, and it appears she hasn't. We talk for a while, venting emotions etc.
I don't currently live where I grew up, all my friends and her, do. I have no friends where I am now, no social circle. I'm basically split between 2 places. I tell her this, and she tells me that her feelings might be delayed, that she'll probably get to the point I was in time. I can't wait for that. I can't stay in limbo on the off chance that everything sorts itself out. For the first time in my life, I deal with a situation, the most stressful situation I've ever been in my life.
I end it.
I choose to cut out everything about that part of my life. Her, my friends, everything from the town I grew up in. My reasoning being that I can't move on if a part of me is split between that place. So I get rid it. She thinks I shouldn't stop seeing our friends because of her, but it's the way it has to be, I can't move on with my life if I'm still connected to her. We talk some more, and then we hug and we kiss, and like that, it's over. I tell her that she can call me at any time, should she hit that point, that I'll be waiting for her, but I can't stop to do it. The rest of the holiday is uneventful, and this morning, we both got into separate cars, and we left.
A part of me is starting to consider that Hollywood love stories are not comparable to real life...
A few hours and lots of thinking later, and here I am.
For the first time in my life, I'm alone. I'm alone, and I'm afraid, and I'm terribly sad. I've just had to turn away for the keyboard to cry while typing this.
But I won't let it beat me, I refuse to let it beat me.
I refuse to become the jaded, cynical misanthrope that many people seem to be around here.
I refuse to become something I'm not.
I refuse to let the world grind me down.
I have no aspirations in life, no dream career, I live... lived, for another person, as long as I was with that person, I knew my life would be great, that's all I needed.
Now I'm that 15 year old boy again, I have no clue what life has in store for me. I don't know how to be single, I don't know if I ever could get into another relationship, and at this moment in time, I don't think that I will want another relationship, not for a very long time.
I know what I can do in the mean time, however.
I will find a job, I will start exercising, eating more healthy food, I'll make something positive about this whole mess. There's a yawning chasm of sadness in my heart that could swallow me up at any time, but I have a bridge to cross it, no matter how rickety it is, I know it will not fall.
There's a quote from a famous movie.
'hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.'
I hope I get that call, I hope there's more in store for me than this, I hope I get my happy ending.
Whatever happens, happens.
good luck
