Charlie Brooker's review of CoD:MW3

[Sampler]

[HEADING=1]The trouble with videogames isn't the violence. It's that most of the characters are dicks[/HEADING]
[HEADING=2]Every pixel in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 oozes machismo, but these games are inherently wussy[/HEADING]

A curious thing happened to me the other day while I was playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, which, if you're not familiar with such things, is a videogame in which you participate in a bloody big war. It's a very popular franchise; devoted fans camp out on pavements for a launch copy, which makes it the royal wedding of violent videogames.

Anyway, I'd got about a quarter of the way into it and was "doing" a level based in Sierra Leone that required a bit of stealth and sneaking around. You spend most of the game accompanied by various computer-controlled characters, and I was walking behind one of these, a crotchety moustachioed soldier who's supposed to be my friend, when he suddenly goes "shhhh" because he's heard a guard coming.

So we both stop in our tracks, and moustache man snatches the guard, pins him against the wall, and stabs him right through the throat with a hunting knife, killing him instantly. Then the body hits the floor, moustache man says "OK, come on", and we continue sneaking into the compound. Or rather, we were supposed to. But I stopped after a few steps and walked back to where he'd killed the guard. I just stared at the blood on the wall. And I thought, "I don't want to be friends with the man who did that."

Obviously there was no means of expressing a thought like that within the game engine, so I had to keep it to myself. Moments later, moustache man orders me to climb a watchtower and dispatch a guard myself. I climb the ladder to find a man asleep in a chair. Just dozing with his back to me. And as I walk near him it says "Press X to take out the guard", so I press X, and rather than bonking him on the head, or maybe just persuading him to leave, my character also grabs the guard and stabs him right in the throat. And I thought, "I'm no better than moustache man: that was an appalling thing I just did."

Again, there was no way to explore these feelings in the game, so I forgot about it in favour of taking out mercenaries with my massive sniper rifle while moustache man and his pal shouted "slot the bastards" and similarly inelegant encouragements.

I don't particularly mind the level of violence in computer games, partly because it's absurd, and partly because I'm hopelessly desensitised. What I do object to is the dick-swinging machismo that infests games like this. If I had a penny for every time I've spent the opening moments of a game sitting in the back of a transport vehicle listening to a soldier called Vasquez repeatedly use the word "************", I'd have enough money to buy the Sesame Street game instead. And even that probably starts with Sergeant Grover warning Private Elmo that "Shit is about to get real".

Every soldier in every game I've ever played is a dick. A dick that sounds like a 14-year-old boy reading dialogue discarded from an old-school Schwarzenegger action movie for displaying too much swagger. They seem like a bunch of try-hard bell-ends, desperate to highlight their gruff masculinity. What, exactly, are they overcompensating for?

Well, for one thing, games are inherently wussy. The stereotype of the bespectacled dweeby gamer is an inaccurate cliche, but there's no denying games are far from a beefy pursuit. Which is why shooty-fighty games go out of their way to disguise that. Every pixel of Modern Warfare 3 oozes machismo. It's all chunky gunmetal, booming explosions and stubbly men blasting each other's legs off. Yet consider what genteel skills the game itself requires. To succeed, you need to be adept at aiming a notional cursor and timing a series of button-pushes. It's about precision and nimble fingers. Just like darning a sock in a hurry. Or creating tapestry against the clock.

In other words, Modern Warfare 3 would be nothing but a gigantic needlework simulation were it not for the storyline, which is the most homoerotic tale ever created in any medium, including Frankie Goes to Hollywood videos. Behind the military manoeuvrings, the human story revolves around people backstabbing, bitching, making catty asides, breaking off friendships and betraying one another. Ignore the gunfire and it's like a soap opera set in a ballet school.

Many of the missions require you to adopt the guise of Yuri, an impressionable young Russian lad hanging around with a pair of impossibly butch men, one of whom, Captain Price, is the aforementioned guy with a moustache ? not just any moustache, mind, but a full-blown leatherman's handlebar number. I think Captain Price's "look" was designed by Tom of Finland. Your other companion is a Scottish lad called Soap. I'm not sure why he's called Soap, although I think it's because Captain Price once picked him up in a bathhouse.

Price is definitely the "top" in the relationship, and before long both you and Soap appear to be vying for his affections. Often when you look at Price, the word "Follow" literally appears over his head ? a sincere instruction presumably beamed directly from your heart ? as you walk behind him, tracing his footsteps while gazing forlornly at his back like a pining lover. When Price commands you to "get down", you literally crawl behind him on your hands and knees. Sometimes you'll be crawling so close, your viewpoint goes right up between Price's legs until his crawling, pumping backside takes up the entire screen, which is precisely the sort of cinematography that failed to occur in Delta Force starring Chuck Norris.

Perhaps that's why Modern Warfare 3 will make more money than Delta Force did. Because presumably they've done market research and discovered that that's what their consumers want. I just wish they'd be honest about it and let the lead characters kiss. And press X to use tongues.

Source [http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/nov/13/charlie-brooker-modern-warfare-3]

I guess this could offend alot of "gamers" but how accurate would you say his opinion is?

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

Even if he's not accurate, he's always funny.

Thing is though...Yahtzee already said this to us...


Three and a half years ago...

Homoerotic vibe, Psychotic Partners, Broken Game Design, Immature Posturing, Juvenile Power Fantasies with Real World Events...

 

[biggles1]

Violent video games are violent, they are MEANT to make you go "holy shit this is evil".

I liken it to the part of world in conflict, where [SPOILERS!!!!] you find out that Bannon not only killed civilians, but he also killed the wife and child of one of the russian commanders who you play with for half the game. [END SPOILERS]

The whole "war is evil thing" is what they are about nowadays.

Anyway, his opinion is his. I honestly couldn't care much more what he thinks.

 

[the spud]

I haven't played MW3 yet, but I think he misread the part where Price killed the guard. It's called pragmatism, or consequentialism. He didn't necessarily want to kill that guy, but from what I could gleam from the article, it was for the greater good.

 

[Valagetti]

I'm the words of Yahtzee Croshaw(paraphasing), 'you could not be projecting any harder, only if your face was projecting powerpoint onto a wall.

So he called COD characters gay... pretty much and don't even argue that, because hes straight faced and actually says it.

Hes also contradicting himself, saying COD is very violent etc, but hes not aware of it?

Now I'm looking at his other articles... hes pretty much like an online professional troll, yeah like Yahtzee, but straight faced, less informative and ranty.

 

[redisforever]

HA! Very true there. I didn't play the campaign, but I did watch my friend play it (he has it, I don't) and we both think it is a stupid story.

 

[Josh123914]

I'm the words of Yahtzee Croshaw(paraphasing), 'you could not be projecting any harder, only if your face was projecting powerpoint onto a wall.

So he called COD characters gay... pretty much and don't even argue that, because hes straight faced and actually says it.

Hes also contradicting himself, saying COD is very violent etc, but hes not aware of it?

Now I'm looking at his other articles... hes pretty much like an online professional troll, yeah like Yahtzee, but straight faced, less informative and ranty.

You do realise this guy has been around WAY longer than Yahtzee?

 

[Valagetti]

I'm the words of Yahtzee Croshaw(paraphasing), 'you could not be projecting any harder, only if your face was projecting powerpoint onto a wall.

So he called COD characters gay... pretty much and don't even argue that, because hes straight faced and actually says it.

Hes also contradicting himself, saying COD is very violent etc, but hes not aware of it?

Now I'm looking at his other articles... hes pretty much like an online professional troll, yeah like Yahtzee, but straight faced, less informative and ranty.

You do realise this guy has been around WAY longer than Yahtzee?

And... I really don't see what difference it makes... actually it does. If hes so experienced why his is review of MW3 is unconcise, unstructured, uninformative and bland. He calls COD characters gay and I'm not even angry, because hes just saying shit to get attention, thats why hes been around for so long.

 

[Woodsey]

Even if he's not accurate, he's always funny.

Thing is though...Yahtzee already said this to us...


Three and a half years ago...

Homoerotic vibe, Psychotic Partners, Broken Game Design, Immature Posturing, Juvenile Power Fantasies with Real World Events...

And about 3 billion people thought of it before Yahtzee, only for all those very stupid, very muscle-bound 80s action films.

 

[Numberatu]

Feel it should be pointed out, before outrage begins, that this isn't a review, but a column, by a guy who takes the piss out of things for a living. I feel a bit stupid pointing this out, but given that the thread's titled "charlie brooker's review"...
Also:
http://youtu.be/wiwmYjk9ARA

 

[rincewind1667]

Charlie Brooker has been around for years. Waaay before Yahtzee. And he comes from a long tradition of British TV and radio shows that essentially...well...troll. He even worked on the infamous Brass Eye series if my memory serves correctly. So that's basically what he's doing. It's what he has always done. In every TV series he's ever made, his newspaper articles, everything. He's just displaying his point of view in a ranty, angry, possibly humorous way with the intention of entertaining people.

What I happen to find funnier is the people defending games like this. I mean, I happen to have been at every COD midnight launch since MW1 (including one I arrived at by accident). I love the games. They entertain me. But I am not going to defend them to the hilt and say 'Oh god no...no gayness in this game. It's all manly and shit and full of war and trying to make us really that, well, you weren't there. You don't know.' Bollocks. They are made by people knowing that violence sells. The army and war sells. And COD has carved itself a niche and a fanbase. It's essentially the same thing that Michael Bay has done with every film he's ever made. And I only make that reference due to the whole army and explosions thing. He loves that shit.

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

And about 3 billion people thought of it before Yahtzee, only for all those very stupid, very muscle-bound 80s action films.

David Cameron is still a lizard though.

And there's a dog's head in the box in John Lewis's ad.

 

[milna64]

I'm the words of Yahtzee Croshaw(paraphasing), 'you could not be projecting any harder, only if your face was projecting powerpoint onto a wall.

So he called COD characters gay... pretty much and don't even argue that, because hes straight faced and actually says it.

Hes also contradicting himself, saying COD is very violent etc, but hes not aware of it?

Now I'm looking at his other articles... hes pretty much like an online professional troll, yeah like Yahtzee, but straight faced, less informative and ranty.

You do realise this guy has been around WAY longer than Yahtzee?

And... I really don't see what difference it makes... actually it does. If hes so experienced why his is review of MW3 is unconcise, unstructured, uninformative and bland. He calls COD characters gay and I'm not even angry, because hes just saying shit to get attention, thats why hes been around for so long.

Is it actually a review? I mean really, is it? I'm not arguing that its not a well written review, I'm arguing that it is in no way meant to be a review of the game. It doesn't even have a mark out of ten at the end of it.

Charlie Brooker isn't a reviewer. He's a sort of social/political commentator. He finds things he finds interesting, or he has an obscure opinion on things and he posts them. Quite often he is right, but he always makes you think. He isn't trying to get attention he his just providing his thoughts and a lot of people want to here what he is saying.

 

[Rusman]

I'm the words of Yahtzee Croshaw(paraphasing), 'you could not be projecting any harder, only if your face was projecting powerpoint onto a wall.

So he called COD characters gay... pretty much and don't even argue that, because hes straight faced and actually says it.

Hes also contradicting himself, saying COD is very violent etc, but hes not aware of it?

Now I'm looking at his other articles... hes pretty much like an online professional troll, yeah like Yahtzee, but straight faced, less informative and ranty.

You do realise this guy has been around WAY longer than Yahtzee?

And... I really don't see what difference it makes... actually it does. If hes so experienced why his is review of MW3 is unconcise, unstructured, uninformative and bland. He calls COD characters gay and I'm not even angry, because hes just saying shit to get attention, thats why hes been around for so long.

It's not a review, it's a column for a British newspaper, I can't remember which one.
Also he's been around for so long because he a generally well liked English comedian with a great show (Charlie Brooker's Newswipe) has done a number of interesting documentaries about games/gaming and the history of gaming and comes across as a pretty sound guy.

 

[Scrustle]

Haha great review! Charlie Brooker is a legend. I bet that last bit will piss a lot of people off. Or, that would be the case if any MW fans actually read The Guardian. Pretty sure there aren't many of those.

 

[MrGseff]

I agree with most of the people here. Charlie isnt a professional reviewer, he just takes the piss... and he does it well

 

[The_root_of_all_evil]

I guess this could offend alot of "gamers" but how accurate would you say his opinion is?

BTW


Charlie knows games.

 

[Krion_Vark]

I haven't played MW3 yet, but I think he misread the part where Price killed the guard. It's called pragmatism, or consequentialism. He didn't necessarily want to kill that guy, but from what I could gleam from the article, it was for the greater good.

How can killing someone be for the greater good?


I mean you could knock them out tie them up and gag them to the same effect as killing them unless you plan to be in the area long enough for the enemies to find and untie them and then be alerted to your presence. But then again from the past games you don't stay in a place long enough for that. or where finding him would even make a difference.

 

[PleasantKenobi]

Instead of reposting the same comments as above I would just like to state my amusement at people getting defensive over a Charlie Brooker column. Is it because his satirical aproach to social commentary is so painfully British? Who knows, but personally I enjoyed that article alot.

Violent video games are violent, they are MEANT to make you go "holy shit this is evil".

I liken it to the part of world in conflict, where [SPOILERS!!!!] you find out that Bannon not only killed civilians, but he also killed the wife and child of one of the russian commanders who you play with for half the game. [END SPOILERS]

The whole "war is evil thing" is what they are about nowadays.

Anyway, his opinion is his. I honestly couldn't care much more what he thinks.

Video Games are about war being evil? Though I would not argue that you are entirely incorrect, I would like to take the time to highlight the bastardised and rather ham fisted way in which video games aproach such a topic.

Video Games like Call of Duty or even my beloved Metal Gear Solid 4 ruin any semblance of social commentary upon the role of war in modern society with all their melodramatic mascho cock swinging and gameplay mechanics that are designed specificaly to glorify the enjoyment of combat and killing.