Cheating in relationships: your views?

[The Cheezy One]

why is this a question? make it a poll and i bet 90-10 think its bad. even if someone was ok with cheating, they wouldnt admit it

 

[Exterminas]

This issue obviously depends completly on the social contract you form in the relationship. If you date the nic girl you met during the catholics bakery sale, "cheating" will probably a no-go in the relationship.

But the funny thing about your question "Cheating in relationships: your views" is, that it already answers itself. If the act is labeled as cheating, you already mark it as something negativ. While some things that are usually considered cheating can provide positive things to a relationship.

Like relief of sexual desires, your regular partner can't or doesn't want to meet. Say you absolutly crave a certain type of sexual intercurse, your partner finds disgusting. What would damage your relationship worse: a) Living with It, surpressing it, eventually giving up a part of yourself b) trying to convince youzr partner to something he/she doesn't like or c) hopping in bed with someone else or a professional every now and then to get relief?

You don't even have to meet this question on a sexual level. Some people consider talking with persons of the opposite sex cheating, we thing that's strange, because it isn't part of our default social contract for relationships, as is having multiple sexual partners. Only if you extend your view beyond tihs concept, you can really argue about this question.

To give a nice conclusing example, from real life and not the cold, harsh world of philosophy: I once had a relationship with a nice girl, lasted to years and ended in mutual agreement, because logistics had become too difficult. When I first met her, she soon stated, that she likes sleeping with multiplie people of various sexes, religions, numbers and skin-colours. At first I was pretty stunned, but once it turned out that she handled that in a very smart way, seeing it as some kind of sport or hobby, and that she was very cereful about any kind of STD, it really wan't a problem anymore. She stated the acceptance of this fact as a foundaion for the relationship, so you can't call it cheating.

Sex should not be, what determinates your relationship, if it is, you are doing it wrong.

When thing about it the whole concept of single-partner-relationships is kind of out dated. "Till death does us appart" was made in times whre people married at 15 and died at 30, spend most of their time working under horribly conditions. Today people are expected to live 80 years and longer, whithout having become twice as reli- or likeable.

 

[smurf_you]

I think cheating is wrong but I have no problem with my girlfriend if she tells me she wants to fuck someone else. We talk and discuss if one of us wants to sleep with someone else and its fine. The love in our relationship isn't built around sex, sex is a physical act that we both enjoy. The love we have for each other comes from being together, doing things together, talking and interacting with each other.

This. this is exactly my view on it.... going behind someone's back to sleep with someone else is horrible.... but if you can TALK about it and work it out then it shouldn't be a issue ty for saying this first to help me get my thoughts out on paper... er.... well into text anyway

 

[clipse15]

I think cheating is wrong but I have no problem with my girlfriend if she tells me she wants to fuck someone else. We talk and discuss if one of us wants to sleep with someone else and its fine. The love in our relationship isn't built around sex, sex is a physical act that we both enjoy. The love we have for each other comes from being together, doing things together, talking and interacting with each other.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

On the other hand I am single at the moment and generally I base these things around who I am with, what she is comfortable with. Open relationships are nice, closed ones are nice too, I am happy with either and I wouldn't do anything she didn't want.

Of course that isn't really classed as cheating. Cheating is breaking trust, and if a partner does trust me to be with only her, if I broke that promise it would be very wrong and I'd never do that because I respect my girlfriends.

To be honest, monogamy isn't something that has to be important for anyone who is open-minded enough to realize it is an archaic concept

I would have to disagree. I think it is only an archaic concept to those who cannot face only sleeping with one person at a time, if I'm being honest. It isn't a case of open-mindedness, this is why some of the most open-minded and intelligent people I've ever known will still have monogamous relationships and stay true to them.

I just guess your unable to seperate sex and love. I however can completely seperate the two. But why should we stop at that? if someone is in love why do they need companionship from the opposite sex at all then? Should the male refuse to make any more female friends or vice versa? why do we draw the line at sex?

 

[NoNameMcgee]

This is just the way I look at it, of course there is no right or wrong way to live in this life.

I guess what I'm trying to say (and failing) is that the exclusiveness of only doing these things with each other is, to me, a huge part of what makes a relationship of love between two people special and sacred. Some might say I'm being a naive 18 year old with an old soul and a head full of lovey nonsense but I don't care, because there'll be other people who see it the same way I do and those are the girls for me, just like open people will find each other and click.

I'm really trying hard to make this thing not swerve into an argument if you noticed.

Well because of that bolded sentence I have no quarrel with you (christ that makes me sound like I am a character from 'Oblivion') I think what we all must accept is that people live their lives differently and things work different for each individual. You obviously understand that, so that's good.

I just see no reason to judge other people for how they act in their relationships, since each relationship works differently. and what works for you might not work as well for another couple. I think love and sex can be separated even while in a relationship, and what really truly matters is trust for one another and intimacy between each other. Relationships are about partnership afterall, not just sex. I guess I just don't put a great weight on sex in relationships and I don't consider it a main part of what makes a relationship special.

By the way, what made you think this was swerving into an argument? I never felt that it was. Good discussion

 

[FinalHeart95]

If they cheat; leave. Clearly don't care enough about you or your relationship to be worthwhile.

 

[Vanguard_Ex]

This is just the way I look at it, of course there is no right or wrong way to live in this life.

I guess what I'm trying to say (and failing) is that the exclusiveness of only doing these things with each other is, to me, a huge part of what makes a relationship of love between two people special and sacred. Some might say I'm being a naive 18 year old with an old soul and a head full of lovey nonsense but I don't care, because there'll be other people who see it the same way I do and those are the girls for me, just like open people will find each other and click.

I'm really trying hard to make this thing not swerve into an argument if you noticed.

Well because of that bolded sentence I have no quarrel with you (christ that makes me sound like I am a character from 'Oblivion') I think what we all must accept is that people live their lives differently and things work different for each individual. You obviously understand that, so that's good.

I just see no reason to judge other people for how they act in their relationships, since each relationship works differently. and what works for you might not work as well for another couple. I think love and sex can be separated even while in a relationship, and what really truly matters is trust for one another and intimacy between each other. Relationships are about partnership afterall, not just sex. I guess I just don't put a great weight on sex in relationships and I don't consider it a main part of what makes a relationship special.

By the way, what made you think this was swerving into an argument? I never felt that it was. Good discussion

Excellent
This is very true, no two relationships are the same and, like you said, it stems from what you both find in each other.
Oh good, I really didn't want it to become one. I enjoyed discussing this with you, it's given me a broader perspective of how even the most basic of things can be seen and interpreted differently

 

[irequirefood]

I hate cheating and all forms of it. Open relationships don't make sense to me. How can it really be considered a relationship?

 

[Reagus]

It all comes down to how you were raised and how you view sex, love and relationships.

I personally see sex as something more than just a physical act, not in some sort of religious way, but more just as something special that you share with only people you really care about. I guess I see it as a metaphorical form of trust and openess (quite literally lol).

You see I say all that, yet I don't understand why I myself see sex in such a way, especially considering i'm comfortable talking about it, watching porn, and of course doing it myself, and I wasn't raised to believe it to be some ultra special thing, I pretty much learnt about it from friends and school, like majority of people.

Pretty hard to explain it tbh lol, but in summary I think if you enter a relationship that you both agree isn't open, and then one of you cheats, it is wrong. If you enter a relationship and agree you can see other people, then thats fine because your both happy with how that works, even though i couldn't comprehend such a relationship myself.

 

[StBishop]

EDIT: What on earth are you talking about with that addition to your post?

imo, fighting our biology is a losing battle. accepting this helped me forgive.

So if I kill you because I feel threatened by your presence I shouldn't be punished?

It's a biological imperative to kill things that threaten your safety, or the safety of your young/social group (Pack/herd/shoul/pride/murder/gaggle/flock et cetera).

I prefer open relationships myself, so to me cheating is having romantic or sexual intimacy without getting the consent of everyone else you are romantically or sexually involved with currently. In this sense a few months ago I was 'cheated on' with a person I had expressly said was not cool with me. It ended up in a shouting match because I felt ignored and betrayed. I did try to salvage the relationship because I really loved my girlfriend, so cheating is clearly not an automatic deal breaker for me.

Sex, love, and partnership are sacred to me. But sacred things should be shared, not hoarded imho. Sure it feels nice to be someone's 'Mr./Ms. One and Only' until you realize you are far more likely their 'Mr./Ms. Right Now.' I fear that many people prefer Monogamy due to Insecurity Issues and justify it as 'being right' or 'what I am entitled to in a lover.'

Love is hard, and life is too short, imho, to discard relationships over sexual and romantic indiscretions by default. Ask yourself this question, "If I really loved her, would I leave her because she cheated? If the answer is yes without a thought...that is not love imho. Love is worth forgiving and forgetting imho.

I understand what you're saying. If you truly love someone then you will forgive anything but I also think that in the instance that you believe you're in a monogamous relationship and your partner wilfully hurts you through a concious decision you owe it to yourself to leave them.

My opinion on this subject is coloured heavily by my rencent, personal life so I feel no tolerance for cheating (Note: I feel that cheating requires either one or both parties to express a desire to be monogomous and for both parties to agree to that lifestyle ie. marriage or a commited relationship)

 

[D3l7a3ch0]

I'm not going to argue about semantics. I think anyone whose biggest dillemma is that their partner cheated, needs to grab a straw and suck it up. It's not even bad.

Healthy is saying 'this is going well, and I have no reason to stop this relationship'... when something like cheating happens, that's an occurance that makes a self respecting person to move on. If a person wanted to be responsible about it, they could say ok maybe i could improve X and Z and change Y. But move on no matter what.

Deciding to stay and victimize oneself and lay guilt is what a desperate person does. That person, instead of saying 'there's no reason to leave' says 'i'm staying no matter what.' desperate going in, and big surprise, desperate going out.

It's a choice. To stay. To have that outlook. any outlook.

I lost my train of thought, but anyway, I do what I gotta do to sleep at night.

Also: ive been deceived and cheated on. i decided to get super fit and now i have girls who just want me for my body. My life is so tough.

I can't control anyone other than myself. I think it's better that way.

Just do what you feel. If that means youre a criminal, you belong in jail. If that means youre a great lover, lurk the escapist forums giving life advice.

Variety is the spice of life