latenightapplepie said:
Thanks for the post crimson, not only because it was refreshing to see some more parents' perspectives but also because it reminded me to raise the question of the expectations and hopes that can sometimes be associated with having children. My questions (to everyone, not just you crimson) are therefore: should parents have certain expectations and hopes for their children? At what point does being ambitious for our children's future become unacceptable? Is there a point? Do the parents who live through their children put you off having them? Or does the chance to have a second shot at life through your children actually entice you?
Speaking for myself:
Should parents have certain expectations and hopes for their children? Of course. I expect my children to grow up to be productive contributors to the world. I hope they will become much more successful and intelligent than I ever will be in my life. I think those are perfectly sane and reasonable expectations (note they are not demands).
Ambition should come from them, not from me. No matter how much ambition I have for my children, if they lack this drive as individuals there isn't much I can do about it. I can encourage them to be ambitious but they are the ones that ultimately need to embrace that drive.
I think the worst mistake parents can make is to enforce their own beliefs onto their children. My father always wanted me to become a diplomat, so tried his best to steer me in the right direction. I always hated law (because I don't believe there is true justice in this world and law is unfair but that's another story) and never fulfilled my father's dream. Why should I? I always wanted to become a designer, and that is a profession I've been practicing since I'm 16 (my father should have seen the signs and realized that my calling was elsewhere).
My father didn't want to live through me - he was a diplomat himself - but my children's lives are theirs to own, not for me to dictate. I encourage and support my children to follow their own path.
For instance, my older son would be interested in seeing me cook, so I bought him a kitchen play set. He liked playing around with his toy piano, so I bought him a Yamaha MIDI keyboard and hired a tutor. He wanted to learn skateboarding, so I sprung for the outfit, inline skates and took him to class every Saturday. I'll continue supporting him until he finds his calling, and continue to support him even more. Too many times I see children being forced to learn languages, instruments or other extracurricular activities that they simply are not interested in. Is that child ever going to be a violin virtuoso if he hates playing it?
I love tennis and motor racing myself, and would love to see my son become the next Roger Federer or Ayrton Senna, but that doesn't mean I will enforce this onto him because nothing is worse than being stuck doing something you don't enjoy for the rest of your life - besides, if you don't enjoy it, chances are you won't excel at it.
If my son wants to become an agriculturist or an accountant, that's his choice, but he will have a much better chance of being successful if he enjoys what he is doing.
The only things that would gut me as a father is if my son chooses to become a priest, a policeman or take up the military as a career. That for me would be tantamount to my failure as a father - but they still have this right if they choose so.
