Christmas Cracker Jokes.

[Eagle Est1986]

I'm not sure about the rest of the world but here in the UK, we have crackers [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_cracker] at Christmas and in these crackers are really, really bad jokes.
I've recently discovered that I love the, so bad it's good, humour these jokes offer.
As a result, I've decided that everyone else in my workplace should be forced to enjoy this humour also, so I'm sending out brodcast messages as often as possible, to either lighten peoples days or make them worse, I'm not fussy.

Here's where you guys come in, I'm quickly running out of material so I want you guys to post your favourite Christmas cracker jokes so I can keep subjecting my co-workers to their brilliance.

To get things started, here's the two I've already shared with the workforce today.

Why was Santa's helper feeling blue?
Because he had low elf-esteem.

What hides in bakeries around Christmas time?
Mince Spys.

 

[RAWKSTAR]

What's white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.

Terrible I know but I was in stiches when I heard it!

 

[Emmitt_Nervend]

When I read "Christmas Cracker Jokes", I only assumed the punchline would somehow involve the phrase "White Christmas".

 

[Jaythulhu]

Forcing those jokes on to people is just as bad as forcing your religious beliefs on to them. Be careful in your approach.

 

[Scary_Bob]

What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even. XD

 

[Eagle Est1986]

What is Santa's favourite pizza?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even. XD

I keep hearing this one.... I'm not convinced that I really get it yet.....

Forcing those jokes on to people is just as bad as forcing your religious beliefs on to them. Be careful in your approach.

I strongly disagree. Lighten up buddy.

 

[bkd69]

Not appropriate for a Christmas cracker (too long), but my favorite Christmas joke regardless...

It was a bad year.
The reindeer were sick.
The elves were on strike, something about dental coverage, so Santa was stuck cleaning up after them, never mind getting all the toys ready by himself.
And Mrs. Claus had cut him off for the past 6 months, after he spent that long weekend in Cabo, back in May.
So this angel stops by and pokes his head in, and asks jolly old Saint Nick "hey, where do you want me to stick this tree?"
And that, boys and girls, is the reason we've been sticking angels on the top of the Christmas tree ever since.

 

[Eagle Est1986]

Not appropriate for a Christmas cracker (too long), but my favorite Christmas joke regardless...

It was a bad year.
The reindeer were sick.
The elves were on strike, something about dental coverage, so Santa was stuck cleaning up after them, never mind getting all the toys ready by himself.
And Mrs. Claus had cut him off for the past 6 months, after he spent that long weekend in Cabo, back in May.
So this angel stops by and pokes his head in, and asks jolly old Saint Nick "hey, where do you want me to stick this tree?"
And that, boys and girls, is the reason we've been sticking angels on the top of the Christmas tree ever since.

Very good, I may have to use that one for my big finale.

 

[Jharry5]

What is Santa's wife called?

Mary Christmas




BA-DUM TISH

 

[Eagle Est1986]

One that really seems to get me every time.

How do you describe a rich elf?
Welfy

 

[Jaythulhu]

I strongly disagree. Lighten up buddy.

Disagreeing with me does not make what I said untrue. If someone was following me around forcing me to listen to such "jokes", I'd only make one semi-polite request for a cessation.

Merry BAH, Humbug to all.

 

[Eagle Est1986]

Disagreeing with me does not make what I said untrue. If someone was following me around forcing me to listen to such "jokes", I'd only make one semi-polite request for a cessation.

Ok then, just to set the record straight, I'm not forcing anyone to listen to jokes.
I have to send broadcast messages through an instant messenger, as part of my working day, and at the end of the important information I am simply adding a Christmas joke, to lighten the spirit around the work place.
So I'm sorry if that offends your religious beliefs but I know that it doesn't bother any of my co-workers.

So if we could get back to having this thread as the light hearted topic it should be, that'd be great.

 

[Jaythulhu]

So if we could get back to having this thread as the light hearted topic it should be, that'd be great.

What's red, cold and holey?
Santa after a drive-by.

How do you fit a fat man in a red suit down a chimney?
With a chainsaw.

What goes from green to red in under a minute?
An elf in a blender.

Enjoy.

 

[Datalord]

How many reindeer does santa have, 10
Dasher and dancer and prancer and vixen
Comet and cupid and donner and blitzen
rudolph and olive

Oh? you don't know olive? he's in the song "Olive, the other reindeer use to laugh and call him names"

 

[Jobz]

Darn...I read the title and I thought this was a thread for Christmas themed racist jokes at the expense of Caucasians. White Jokes are awesome, and offensive, which makes them twice as awesome.

 

[Eagle Est1986]

How many reindeer does santa have, 10
Dasher and dancer and prancer and vixen
Comet and cupid and donner and blitzen
rudolph and olive

Oh? you don't know olive? he's in the song "Olive, the other reindeer use to laugh and call him names"

Haha, marvellous, I'll be using that one.

Here's the two I plan on using today:

What award goes to designers of door knockers? ...
A no bell prize.

How do you describe a rich elf?
Welfy

 

[Aardvark]

What do Gorillas sing at christmas?

Jungle Bells.

That's the only joke painful enough to stick with me.

If it weren't for the presents balancing out the bad jokes, I'd have renounced the faith in early childhood.

 

[The_Deleted]

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.

 

[Eagle Est1986]

If it weren't for the presents balancing out the bad jokes, I'd have renounced the faith in early childhood.

I've found it best to just embrace them, as you may have noticed.

Here's todays jokes.

What's the best Christmas present you can give?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it. (Got a lot of stick for that one)

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan