Closets and the coming out thereof

[kurokotetsu]

Well, so yeah closets. And coming out.

We all know about the homosexual closet and the troubles that it makes for the people that have to do it. But there are other closets too, like a gamer closet or nerd closet or kink closet. And although different in parts there is the central part of coming out is admitting to yourself and other that you are different, sometimes even "perverted" and wwe are fine with it. We are different form the norm and enjoy it.

Recently I came out of the closet to my best friends, not the gay one though. But while talking to my partner we discussed how it is similar to that homosexuals have. Rejection form parts of society, even sometimes family, how media portrays our ideas and preferences as either sick, disgusting or abnormal, how we can't do all the things we want in public because they will judge us. But how happy we are of being ourselves and true to what we like and admitting that to ourselves is the best thing we could do, just be who we are. We can't be too public and only my closest friends know exactly but admitting to myself and others, specially her, what I am has made me feel far better and happier than before. And the people that I've toald although the make jokes about ti are perfectly fine and support me in my decision, and being such good friends I had no real problem telling them once I fully accepted myself.

So Escapists I guess than a few of you have gone though this process of coming out. Care to share? How did it change you? Were you accepted? And if you will what closet di you coma out form?

 

[Thaluikhain]

Oh...you are stretching the definition of "closet" quite a bit there. Revealing that you are a gamer might be awkward, but revealing you are gay might get you disowned or worse.

Sure, I know what you mean, but I've seen lots of people unhappy with using the term loosely like that.

 

[Anja Bech]

Well, let's see. I guess I've had to come out of quite a few closets, and to most people I am still not really out.

I'm bisexual and identify and non-binary. The first part is fairly easy to tell people since I've been doing it gradually since I was around 16. I'd come out to strangers or casual new acquaintances, which is much easier than coming out to people you are really invested in, and slowly kinda work my way 'up'. I told my mum over skype. I.. think she's in denial because I had a boy friend at the time. I was really nervous and had to talk about a bunch of random shit before finally gathering up the courage to actually stutter the words and then.. she said 'okay', laughed a little and we said bye. Haven't spoken one word about it since, not one single word. At least my step dad asked some questions before never again talking about it.

I started coming out as non-binary when I joined the local LGBT youth group. By then I'd become rather used to 'coming out', but this is something most people just can't wrap their heads around, so it takes a lot of patience to get people to actually understand what you're coming out with. Sorry if that sounds arrogant. :-/

Then there's the kink. Most of my close friends knows, and obviously all the people I've met at munches and such knows, but that's it. It was actually rather easy coming out to my friends and sister, and it turns out that most of them are kinky too. Most of them are bi as well, which is, I think, a bit of a funny coincidence considering we all publicly identified as straight only a few years back.

I had one bad experience when coming out, one that was worse than my mum and step dad not really acknowledging my coming out, and that was back when I was 17 or 18 and I told my twin sister that I thought I was transgendered. She wouldn't even look at me. I know she hates that that was her reaction back then, because it really hurt me that the one person I thought I was totally safe with, the one person I thought I could always count on, didn't even want to look at me when I was incredibly vulnerable and exposed. That's the worst part about coming out, no matter the reason you're doing it. You have no real idea how people are going to react. No matter how LGBT friendly they seem, you have no idea how they will react to you coming out, and that's actually really terrifying.

 

[PatrickXD]

Well, my parents got me into games and my almost all of my friends I play games with. So it seems bizarre to me that there would be a 'gamer closet'. It's a hobby, and sure,someone might say it's a waste of time, whatever, but most people I've met recognise that what they enjoy doing is typically also a waste of time. We're all just 'wasting' time on our interests.

 

[Queen Michael]

You know, kurokotetsu, since you're not supplying any details I'm gona assume that you're a furry. Which is totally fine with me, by the way.

I came out of the transvestite-closet to my dad and aunt last year. They took it well. Nobody had any problem with it.

 

[The Lunatic]

I haven't.

I guess I just don't really see the point.

I suppose I'm gay. But, frankly, my interest in sex is pretty low, so, beyond a few occasions, it's not really something I've cared to engage with.


In terms of other things, I don't know, I don't feel they're important enough part of my life to "Come out" about it.

 

[Nimcha]

I have to say, I don't think I ever had to actually do the coming out. Neither the gay one nor the gamer one (although I do come out to individual people on a semi-regular basis whenever I introduce my girlfriend). When people get informed about my gayness they really don't find it at all remarkable that I also play a lot of videogames. Stereotypes helping out I guess for once?

 

[Something Amyss]

Oh...you are stretching the definition of "closet" quite a bit there. Revealing that you are a gamer might be awkward, but revealing you are gay might get you disowned or worse.

Sure, I know what you mean, but I've seen lots of people unhappy with using the term loosely like that.

Hell, it's awkward hearing it used in terms of atheism, and many of the consequences are similar.

 

[Netrigan]

As a largely non-practicing bisexual (i.e. no boyfriend), I find it hard to come up with a rational to "come out of the closet" as there's relatively few times in which saying "I'm bisexual" doesn't come across as some attention-getting "is everyone still okay with me" moment, and I find I can't justify doing that sort of thing.

I try to be as open with it as I can, but 99.99% of the stuff coming out of my mouth will not relate to this. Besides, I think most folks kind of suspect.

 

[The White Hunter]

Eh. Don't really care what people think of me in the grand scheme of things.

I keep my orientation to myself mostly for the sake of avoiding questions that I would have to give longwinded non-answers to for the sake of being vague and evasive.

 

[dragonswarrior]

Actually yea.

I recently (two years? Maybe three now?) started being polyamourous with my partner.

It didn't start well. Thankfully our relationship was REALLY solid and we managed to get through the rough beginning. But coming out to my best friend, then my brother, then my parents, then my sister was really difficult. Especially because they knew my first partner as my partner and had known her for years, and I was really afraid they wouldn't accept my second partner or her second and third partner, or that they would think there was something wrong with my first partner's and my relationship.

It went reeeaaalllyyy well though!! Overall. I think my dad still doesn't quite "get" how serious this is, but my best friend (who was the first person I told and was super awesome about it) is ridiculously supportive, and my brother and mom have been totally chill and completely understanding.

Telling my sister was hilarious though. She's differently abled, and I was really afraid she wouldn't understand what I was telling her, or that she would react really harshly since she loves the "princess true love!" shtick. Her first question though was "So when are you going to have babies with them? Because I want to be an aunt."

It was too funny.

Additionally, while I agree that the OP shouldn't have used the whole "closet" thing to describe being a gamer (for reasons stated above), I get the sense from their post that what they came out about wasn't really a nerdy thing? It seemed more serious than that? My two cents on that point anyway.

P.S phew!! I've never come out about this to anyway outside my fam before! I mean, I know it's the anonymous internet and whatnot, but it's still kinda scary and liberating.

 

[Candidus]

I'm a hardcore BDSM rapeplaying sadomasochist kink-lord. "Came out" after my third disastrous attempt at a vanilla relationship. Mainly been met with scorn, suspicion, alarm, outrage and the like. But that's fine. The only judgement I care about any more is my own.

 

[kurokotetsu]

You know, kurokotetsu, since you're not supplying any details I'm gona assume that you're a furry. Which is totally fine with me, by the way.

I came out of the transvestite-closet to my dad and aunt last year. They took it well. Nobody had any problem with it.

Yeah I later noticed that I didn't point out what coming out I made. I've recently accepted myself as a sadistic dominant, and part of the BDSM community. My specific inclinations also brush a bit to the furry side (I do do pet play with my submissive partner) but while a friend of mine is a furry (and gave interesting input into somethings that are similar in both lifestyles) I'm not into that specific kink. I tend not to talk about specifics because well, apart from stil being hard to come out that openly the specifics matter little to poepl outside my partner.

Yeah, the use of the word "closet" in this way is really uncomfortable. I've been the victim of a severe hate crime where I was nearly murdered, and comparing the trans closest to being a gamer is actually kind of an outright an insulting comparison.

Never meant to be insulting. Just used closet as a blanket term because while the scales and possible consequences are different depending on what you admit yourself as being, the anxiety and possible reactions to admitting it to yourself all fell kind of similar. As an example, me coming out of as BDSM has had been met with less extreme reactions (because I only told my friends) than admitting to being a huge nerd (which has had people stop talking to me) or a gamer (which still makes my grandparents question what I do playing those childish things and shouldn't I grow up). While I know that admitting geeky or little weird inclinations are almost impossible to come to bodily harm (although psychological bullying for being a nerd can and does happen in schools and know of a few acquaintances that denied their status as nerds or gamers to avoid problems with larger groups of friends) than coming out as part of the LGBT closet the concept can be similar between, if albeit different in scale of possible reactions, problems, and anxiety about coming out. Very sorry to hear that bigots attacked you, and hope they met their punishment.

Thanks to all for sharing.

Edit:

Additionally, while I agree that the OP shouldn't have used the whole "closet" thing to describe being a gamer (for reasons stated above), I get the sense from their post that what they came out about wasn't really a nerdy thing? It seemed more serious than that? My two cents on that point anyway.

P.S phew!! I've never come out about this to anyway outside my fam before! I mean, I know it's the anonymous internet and whatnot, but it's still kinda scary and liberating.

Yeah not about nerdy things. Definitely in the kninky side as this post explains (and also why I use the word closet in general). And yeah, also telling the world even in an anonymous form can be liberating, so that is part of the nice things of sharing these ideas in a forum.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

I find it so weird how so many people are uncomfortable about mentioning they play videogames in public. I know a bunch of guys who try to hide it from their girlfriends, or stop doing it out of fear of being caught. I have never had any problems admitting to any of my hobbies. I am always keen on meeting other people who share them, so why hide it? One time where I was kind of on the fence about mentioning I play D&D to some jock-ish friends of mine, and they completely surprised me and asked if I could run a game for them afterwards.

Generally if you're comfortable with it, most people don't seem to care about it at all.

I don't think I've ever "came out" for something significant or had someone "come out" to me. Most of my friends couldn't care less about people being gay so I usually find out by someone nonchalantly mentioning a past same-sex partner.

I have suspicions that my youngest brother might be gay though, and... that might be a little weird for him to come out. Mainly because my other brother regularly uses the term as an insult as well as "fag" frequently. The youngest brother always gets flack from him for doing pretty much anything weird, so I can only imagine what would come his way for being gay. Thankfully our Dad couldn't care less, so he'd have it easy on that front.

 

[Sight Unseen]

I've come out as an atheist but that really wasn't a big deal. I was never really religious in the first place and I live in a part of Canada where relgion isn't really that important.

 

[Skatologist]

I suppose the only time I "came out"[footnote] I have troubles using that term when not in regards LGBT individuals [/footnote] was as an atheist to my father over an email. Long story short, we don't talk about it and it doesn't get brought up much, unless he brings up what he thinks are self evident theological matters such as God giving us wisdom teeth and rights and making note and saying to me "evolution" gave that from my perspective. I was at one point planning on explaining myself to him better because I had not done it too well over the email, but I would think he would either be uninterested or forget everything I had to say and bring up the same tired talking points.

I suppose you could say I may be in another closet right now. I do at least have an interest in wearing female clothing in public [footnote] Not for any sexual reasons, it's most likely out of some sort of curiosity or gender dysphoria or make it some sort of social statement. I am not fully aware of my subconscious and its desires. [/footnote] and I haven't really told too many people. I was planning on just going out in public one day in a dress and just doing it casually. I haven't really found "my dress" yet, so it may take a while, and I'm still wary of a potential beating for doing this, or even something worse.

 

[krazykidd]

Oh...you are stretching the definition of "closet" quite a bit there. Revealing that you are a gamer might be awkward, but revealing you are gay might get you disowned or worse.

Sure, I know what you mean, but I've seen lots of people unhappy with using the term loosely like that.

Wait there is a closet etiquette now? Good lord . I never thought we would reah these ridiculous levels of political correctness.

OT: nope i'm personally fine in my closet ( i'm not gay , i swear). I don't seek the approval of others. People are allowed to have their secrets you know?

 

[Queen Michael]

Oh...you are stretching the definition of "closet" quite a bit there. Revealing that you are a gamer might be awkward, but revealing you are gay might get you disowned or worse.

Sure, I know what you mean, but I've seen lots of people unhappy with using the term loosely like that.

Wait there is a closet etiquette now? Good lord . I never thought we would reah these ridiculous levels of political correctness.

The way I see it, "coming out of the closet" is a fine term to use as long as the revelation risks decreasing people's respect for you. I don't think use should be limited only to cases where you might get disowned or beaten up for it.