Collected. (please criticise)

[Doitpow]

Spoiler: Collected

-please remain calm
-I am calm, what happened?
-please remain calm
-that's not helping, why can't I see?
-your vision has been restricted
-why? what the hell is going on?
-you are alive, try to act normally
-What? Why are you telling me this?
-There was an accident
- I can't. I can't. I.
-You have been colected. please remain calm
-I can't feel my legs. I can't feel.
-no
-I can't feel anything. I am not. Where am I?
-You were collected.
-Where from? Where to? WHERE AM I? WHY CAN'T I SEE?
-your vision has been restricted.
-Okay...
-...
-Okay...Why has my vision been restricted?
-It is believed that what you see might shock you.
-How bad is it? Was there...er...neurological damge? Is that why I can't feel anything?
-Neurological damage was very likely.
-What, you're not sure? I'm not calm, you know, for the record.
-Neurological damage to your body was likely sustained. In the accident. We believe it was an avalanche.
-You're not sure if it was an avalanche? What the hell does that mean? Is this a hospital? What the hell kind of doctor are you? I want to.I want.to.Wait...
-I am waiting.
-What do you mean "to my body"?
-This is uncomfortable. For me.
-Where is my body?
-The location of your body-
-Where. Is. My. Fucking. Body?
-You body was contained. For study.
-...
-You are part of a project-
-no
-to reconstruct-
-no
-cognative-
-Fuck you.
-activit-
-Fuck you. This is not. I can't be.
-You were-
-I'm dead.
-You are still alive.
-No. I'm dead.
-You were dead. You are now still alive.
-That's a big fucking comfort.
-We are sorry you feel anger.
-How am I here then?
-Your cognative activity was collected
-Am I a brain in a jar? Please say I'm a brain in a jar.
-You are a reconstructed cognative activity map, collected-
-Fuck. So you lied.
-We have not lied.
-Yes. You fucking have. You said I was still alive.
-You live.
-Yes but I'm not "still alive" am I? I'm just a fucking PROGRAM. A fucking compuer program. I'm a reconstruction. I'm a fucking mock-up of my brain.
-Your thoughts and memories are the same. You are Identical. Your personality, your 'soul'-
-This is not a semantic debate about the soul, you fuck, HE died. I'm not HIM, I'm a copy.
-You are still you.
-Tell that to my, to HIS, shredded fucking neurons.
-We understand your anxiety.
-No. You don't. You really, really fucking. don't.
-We have connected your sensory inputs, to digital replacments. You will hear and see when we switch them on.
-I can hear you now.
-No, this information is passed directly through your language maps, to your memeory. It is digital in nature. You remember speech but you have not heard it. You will also have the capacity to talk.
-This is not memory. This is happening.
-It will seem that way.
-How convenient.
-It is convenient for us.
-Oh thank god, wouldn't want to put you out.
-We collected your body at great cost, you were buried-
-Shut up. I dont want to know. How he died. I'm here now, I will deal with it. Tell me something.
-I will answer if I can.
-Why? Why "collect" me?
-For study.
-So I'm not special, I'm a lab rat.
-You are very special, you are the first to be succesfully collected. Ever. You are not a "lab rat" you are free to go anywhere, do anything. As long as your condition allows it.
-So what is the study for? You aren't going to...monitior me?
-The study is historical in nature. You will be monitored, but from afar.
-Historical?
-Yes. Historical. You will be monitored by-
-What year is it?
-The translation is a little-
-Answer me.
-By your reckoning it would be 3487.
-I.
-We will begin to turn your "senses" on shortly, we recomended.
-Everyone-
-It is best not to dwell.
-You don't know what it's like! You Bastard, your family are-
-I have no family. I do not like to discuss it.
-Oh. I am sorry.
-Yes. I am a program too, you see. I do not like to discuss it.
-Oh. I didn't-
-Know?
-I didn't mean
-"I'm just a fucking PROGRAM"?
-Yes. I'm...sorry.
-Do not concern yourself with it. I know what I am.
-I was angry.
-I am switching enabling your vision now. You will see soon. You may ask one more question before I activate it.
-Will I. Will I be okay?
-Yes Adam. You will be okay. Say hello to the world. I'm am told the view is spectacular. I can not see it.
"Oh my God"

Spoiler

Any thoughts? It's the first thing I've written in a while...Hope you like it!

 

[Doitpow]

1. Dafuq did I just read?

2. It won't take 1400 years for that tech.

Ah. I was going for, "he was the first person to be collected from our time".
Be more clear.
First point understood.

 

[SckizoBoy]

iiiiiiiiiiiiiinteresting...

Deus ex machina... literally, for me (GladOS, actually!)...

 

[Doitpow]

iiiiiiiiiiiiiinteresting...

Deus ex machina... literally, for me (GladOS, actually!)...

A friendly GladOS. With an inferiority complex. I like to think of the AI as having a young Antony Hopkins voice

 

[SckizoBoy]

A friendly GladOS. With an inferiority complex. I like to think of the AI as having a young Antony Hopkins voice

Actually, it was just Ellen McClain as GladOS, rather than her mannerisms. It was delivered in a typical electronic deadpan fashion.

Anyway, a proper critique... sort of... Aside from the obvious grammar Nazi stuff that I won't bother with, it wasn't bad. The conversation progressed quite well, but got kinda bogged down in the middle when Adam started pressing for answers. Towards the end, since I skimmed it first time round, I lost track of who the speaker was, and the finale came up a tad too abruptly.

Still, if you wrote it for your own amusement, it's a nice dinky piece.

 

[senordesol]

Maybe a bit more creativity in your curse words if you're going down that route. It gets tedious to read F-Bomb after F-Bomb. Also, since you are going for a strict alternating dialogue structure, you must make sure it is consistent. I've highlighted something that appeared inconsistent to me

PROGRAM - I have no family. I do not like to discuss it.
ADAM - Oh. I am sorry.
PROGRAM - Yes. I am a program too, you see. I do not like to discuss it.
ADAM - Oh. I didn't-
PROGRAM - Know?
ADAM - I didn't mean
PROGRAM - "I'm just a fucking PROGRAM"?

Obviously the Program would not use an explicative, so it looks like the 'wires' got crossed as it were.

 

[Doitpow]

PROGRAM - I have no family. I do not like to discuss it.
ADAM - Oh. I am sorry.
PROGRAM - Yes. I am a program too, you see. I do not like to discuss it.
ADAM - Oh. I didn't-
PROGRAM - Know?
ADAM - I didn't mean
PROGRAM - "I'm just a fucking PROGRAM"?

Obviously the Program would not use an explicative, so it looks like the 'wires' got crossed as it were.

The program (I shall call him dave) Is quoting Adam.
And will mix up the swears (hey I'll throw in a "dang", or something a little more appropriate)

 

[Esotera]

It might work better if you add something to differentiate between the two characters, maybe something sort of like IRC/IM format:

blah blah blah
i have a valid and interesting opinion

And also maybe a bit of an introduction stating who recorded it, and how it comes to be that we can read this (like logs from research notes or something, or a lost page of the bible)

Finally, I got the feeling that the piece could use much longer paragraphs in some parts, as the length has sort of stayed the same throughout. Longer pieces of discussion (even if it's only once or twice) might help describe the setting a bit more.

 

[senordesol]

PROGRAM - I have no family. I do not like to discuss it.
ADAM - Oh. I am sorry.
PROGRAM - Yes. I am a program too, you see. I do not like to discuss it.
ADAM - Oh. I didn't-
PROGRAM - Know?
ADAM - I didn't mean
PROGRAM - "I'm just a fucking PROGRAM"?

Obviously the Program would not use an explicative, so it looks like the 'wires' got crossed as it were.

The program (I shall call him dave) Is quoting Adam.
And will mix up the swears (hey I'll throw in a "dang", or something a little more appropriate)

Interesting. Even so, it seems a bit out of character given its polite and almost servile demeanor thus far. It's a tad confusing is all I'm saying.

If you're married to it, a bit more clarity might be added if it said something like

"I'm just -in your words- a 'fucking program'?" <= softer voice here because CAPITALIZED WORDS ARE LOUD.

Since there is no exposition outside of dialogue, you should make sure what dialogue you do have is super duper clear about who is talking, what tone they are taking, and the words 'behind the words'.

It was a neat little piece though.

 

[Doitpow]

It might work better if you add something to differentiate between the two characters, maybe something sort of like IRC/IM format:

blah blah blah
i have a valid and interesting opinion

And also maybe a bit of an introduction stating who recorded it, and how it comes to be that we can read this (like logs from research notes or something, or a lost page of the bible)

I considered this. I didn't want it because
a)It didn't feel "urgent". I wanted it to appear almost first person.
b)It exposes rather than conceals. It kills the "twist", as much as I hate to put it that way.
c)I dislike found footage (weakest reason)

Finally, I got the feeling that the piece could use much longer paragraphs in some parts, as the length has sort of stayed the same throughout. Longer pieces of discussion (even if it's only once or twice) might help describe the setting a bit more.

I'm getting round to fleshing it out a little and rounding it a bit.

Interesting. Even so, it seems a bit out of character given its polite and almost servile demeanor thus far. It's a tad confusing is all I'm saying.

If you're married to it, a bit more clarity might be added if it said something like

"I'm just -in your words- a 'fucking program'?" <= softer voice here because CAPITALIZED WORDS ARE LOUD.

Since there is no exposition outside of dialogue, you should make sure what dialogue you do have is super duper clear about who is talking, what tone they are taking, and the words 'behind the words'.

It was a neat little piece though.

I'll going to go through it again and differentiate their language a bit more.

but I will say this -and please actually call me on it if you think it's stupid or I'm wrong-

I liked the way the dynamic of the conversation flips at the end. Until the last...fifth-ish...Dave the AI has never interrupted Adam or raised his voice. It is the mention of family and humanity that raises Dave's hackles. After then he interrupts and he yells and swears (albeit in quotation). I shall try to make it clearer if I do flesh it out, but Dave is in fact very jealous of Adam. He envies Adams humanity, and actually believes Adam's lot, regardless of tragedy, is better than his own. He is nice, but he sees a human whining about the fact that he was brought back from the dead.

Thanks for saying it was neat!

Wow I just re-read this thread and realised how whiny I sound. Imagine me writing in a cool-collected tone, not in a high pitched "you don't get my work!" voice

 

[senordesol]

I liked the way the dynamic of the conversation flips at the end. Until the last...fifth-ish...Dave the AI has never interrupted Adam or raised his voice. It is the mention of family and humanity that raises Dave's hackles. After then he interrupts and he yells and swears (albeit in quotation). I shall try to make it clearer if I do flesh it out, but Dave is in fact very jealous of Adam. He envies Adams humanity, and actually believes Adam's lot, regardless of tragedy, is better than his own. He is nice, but he sees a human whining about the fact that he was brought back from the dead.

Thanks for saying it was neat!

Wow I just re-read this thread and realised how whiny I sound. Imagine me writing in a cool-collected tone, not in a high pitched "you don't get my work!" voice

Hmm... I see the distinction now, but it was a tad too subtle on the first read through. Again, without any non-diagetic exposition, understanding 'why' the characters are reacting the way they are acting becomes more challenging. I did not understand 'why' Dave was interrupting and cursing, so it did not strike my brain as significant (and, as I've already pointed out, actually confused me in terms of who was speaking). Further, remember that your audience approaches your story with certain assumptions. Understanding that an initially nonpulsed computer program can feel jealousy is something that needs to be explained to an audience who assumes computer programs feel nothing.

Regarding the 'You don't understand my work' feeling. Been there, my friend. Oh. So. Many. Times. I'd say 'don't worry about it', but the fact is: you should. As an author you've got to 'make' you audience feel what you feel, it doesn't matter how brilliant the subtext of your plot is if the basics aren't at least clear.

I've written pages of dialogue only to get blank stares and responses of 'I don't get it.' It's the most maddening thing in the world, but understanding that your audience doesn't share your thinking process is key. Which is why it's good that you're focus testing your narrative here. Anyway, good luck with your other stuff (if you have any in the chute).

 

[josemlopes]

This would work as a short movie, like all in black and just hearing the voices.

Some parts dont seem right, like I think he should spend a bit more time in panic with the situation, he gets rather calm after a while (although if voiced it could show the scared and shaky dialogue of the guy even when telling the other program sorry).

And by the way, is this a script or a book? I honestly see this working better as a script