EVERYONE MUST PAY ATTENTION
Charlie Brooker, although not technically a comedian but a writer, is the most hilarious man alive.
here's an extract from a column called "Attention all boring people: do not ever try to chat to me. Any attempt to do so will be met with silence"
" "So what line of work are you in, then?"
The bastard had gone on the offensive. Now he was asking direct questions, impossible to ignore without appearing rude. Furthermore, his inquiry was an almost unassailable conversation-opener: no matter what reply you give, an entire flowchart of punishingly monotonous discourse is guaranteed to follow. Even if you try to be mind-blowingly mundane on purpose. Claim you measure the thickness of cardboard boxes for a living and he can counter by asking if there's much money in it, or how long you've done it, and he'll take it from there until there's no escape; he'll be on and on with his endless questions, tormenting you with his nauseating thirst for basic social interaction until you feel like quietly raising a leg and kicking him square in the bald spot, even if it makes him swerve into the path of an oncoming juggernaut, all headlights and thunder and foghorning blare; shattering glass and shearing metal and the sudden mad sound of your own trapped animal screams - anything to close down him and his voice, his awful bloody probing bloody human bloody voice.
So I told him I was a child pornographer.
OK, I didn't. But that's the only reply I can think of that would have killed any further conversation stone dead, if only because he'd probably make me get out and walk......"
LINK heres a link to all his columns
http://www.guardian.co.uk/profile/charliebrooker?page=1
oh yes and of course Bill Bailey, Jimmy Carr, David Mitchell, Stephen Fry, Simon Amstell, Frankie Boyle, Dara O'Brien, Dlyan Moran and Phil Jupitus.
Charlie Brooker, although not technically a comedian but a writer, is the most hilarious man alive.
here's an extract from a column called "Attention all boring people: do not ever try to chat to me. Any attempt to do so will be met with silence"
" "So what line of work are you in, then?"
The bastard had gone on the offensive. Now he was asking direct questions, impossible to ignore without appearing rude. Furthermore, his inquiry was an almost unassailable conversation-opener: no matter what reply you give, an entire flowchart of punishingly monotonous discourse is guaranteed to follow. Even if you try to be mind-blowingly mundane on purpose. Claim you measure the thickness of cardboard boxes for a living and he can counter by asking if there's much money in it, or how long you've done it, and he'll take it from there until there's no escape; he'll be on and on with his endless questions, tormenting you with his nauseating thirst for basic social interaction until you feel like quietly raising a leg and kicking him square in the bald spot, even if it makes him swerve into the path of an oncoming juggernaut, all headlights and thunder and foghorning blare; shattering glass and shearing metal and the sudden mad sound of your own trapped animal screams - anything to close down him and his voice, his awful bloody probing bloody human bloody voice.
So I told him I was a child pornographer.
OK, I didn't. But that's the only reply I can think of that would have killed any further conversation stone dead, if only because he'd probably make me get out and walk......"
LINK heres a link to all his columns
http://www.guardian.co.uk/profile/charliebrooker?page=1
oh yes and of course Bill Bailey, Jimmy Carr, David Mitchell, Stephen Fry, Simon Amstell, Frankie Boyle, Dara O'Brien, Dlyan Moran and Phil Jupitus.
