Coming out as an atheist

FallOfIdeals

New member
Feb 21, 2011
4
0
0
So. I'm a freshman in high school and have grown up in a non-denominational Christian home. I've gone to church and youth camps my whole life. My parents and my college-aged brother aren't crazy-religious or anything, but I would say that they are strong Christians.

For reasons too complicated to go into, I have lost faith in God and am now a weak atheist/agnostic. However, I'm closeted; I've only told one of my friends that I haven't known for very long. I have mixed feelings about coming out. I want to show the world what I am and not live a lie or present a false image of myself. At the same time, I don't want my peers to look down on me for my lack of faith (I'm insecure enough as it is) and I'm terrified of what my family will think. I'm not too worried about what my close friends will think, though.

What do you think I should do? Should I come out as soon as possible? Should I wait until I leave home to come out? Any advice is greatly appreciated, especially from anyone who has had to go through this before.
 

Hairetos

New member
Jul 5, 2010
247
0
0
I let it happen gradually. Show that you're changing as a person so that it's less shocking when you tell everyone.

It's like the difference between dropping a hypothermic person in hot water or room-temperature.

EDIT: Added "less" because it shoulda been there a while ago.
 

drisky

New member
Mar 16, 2009
1,605
0
0
Tell your parents so you don't have to go to church or bible camp any more. Otherwise don't bother talking about it unless its brought up, no one likes people who are pushy about their beliefs. If some one asks tells them our not religious any more, but it be kind of annoying and unneeded going around telling people your atheist for no reason.
 

dmase

New member
Mar 12, 2009
2,117
0
0
So if your living by yourself or going to college then just don't go do the "christian things" or if you live with your parents I guess. Do you have the option to not go to church without causing a commotion? If you do go down that road, eventually your parents will get it and ask but they will have adjusted to it or had it in their mind as a possibility.

Or you could continue to go to church and when you talk to your parents and more serious matters are brought up you slide your beliefs or lack thereof into the conversation.

You don't need to make a big deal about this, being an atheist is probably the least profound decision you could make in your life. Leaving religion, profound, turning to atheism not the slightest bit. Atheists that try to persuade people to not accept god are no better than Mormons, god is "rational" to someone else so let them think that way. I only talk about atheism to people that are open to talking about it.
 

Erana

New member
Feb 28, 2008
8,010
0
0
Well, I wouldn't know how to go about coming out of a religious closet, but one thing I can suggest is to demonstrate that you do respect your family's beliefs. Lashing back against Christianity would make this feel like some kind of rebellious phase that they won't take seriously.
 

Camaranth

New member
Feb 4, 2011
395
0
0
I agree with Erana above, don't make a big deal out of it and still hold some respect for the beliefs of your family and friends.

stop going to mass every week but maybe attend the christmas and easter ones just don't participate

that's what I do for friends or family who ask me to attend something or other, it works, I show my support for them and their beliefs and they respect me and my lack of belief.
I've had some of the best metaphysical conversations with these guys because we're not trying to convert each other we're just discussing metaphysics with the understanding that our opinions differ.

FallOfIdeals said:
For reasons too complicated to go into, I have lost faith in God and am now a weak atheist/agnostic.
Just out of curiosity and understanding this may influence (what I think anyways) is the best course of action, is it God or the Church that you've lost faith in?
 

FallOfIdeals

New member
Feb 21, 2011
4
0
0
I think my OP is being misunderstood; I do not have strong anti-religious sentiments, and I don't plan on making a big deal out of it. I suppose I worded my OP poorly.

Camaranth said:
Just out of curiosity and understanding this may influence (what I think anyways) is the best course of action, is it God or the Church that you've lost faith in?
I have lost faith in God.
 

similar.squirrel

New member
Mar 28, 2009
6,021
0
0
I would stop attending church and so forth. If they ask, tell them. They seem like nice people, insofar as I can tell from your original post.
 

Proven Paradox

New member
Apr 10, 2011
17
0
0
I ended up going through something vaguely similar at some point--not with my parents, who aren't and never were terribly religious, but with other adult figures in my life who were. What the others have said--slowly withdraw yourself from church related activities, don't make a fuss about it--is basically how I went about it, and for the most part it worked well. I'm not sure about your situation, but for me, it was basically a given that I would have to endure some degree of judgement for being non-Christian.

One thing that hasn't been touched on. You may not encounter this, but I certainly did. Endure casual attempts to convert you back patiently. Don't snap back unless the other person is actually being pushy. At that point, just tell them to leave you alone. From what you've said I somewhat doubt you would be the type to debate with others about faith, but if I've misread that, trust me when I say that nothing good comes from doing so.
 

Camaranth

New member
Feb 4, 2011
395
0
0
FallOfIdeals said:
I think my OP is being misunderstood; I do not have strong anti-religious sentiments, and I don't plan on making a big deal out of it. I suppose I worded my OP poorly.
It's not that we think you're going to make a big deal about it, i think what we're trying to say is don't just drop the news at the dinner table "Oh by the way everyone I've completely lost all faith in God and he/she/it/they can screw themselves" (not that you would I'm just being extreme as a form of illustration) do that and suddenly you're a "project" that needs to be brought back to the flock.

Proven Paradox said:
One thing that hasn't been touched on. You may not encounter this, but I certainly did. Endure casual attempts to convert you back patiently. Don't snap back unless the other person is actually being pushy. At that point, just tell them to leave you alone. From what you've said I somewhat doubt you would be the type to debate with others about faith, but if I've misread that, trust me when I say that nothing good comes from doing so.
Also this, similar thing happened to me, I've gone to church schools all my life (catholic, anglican and church of england) but my parents never made me go to church so i felt like I lost out on some social aspects. i explored a couple of church things friends of mine did but found that none of them fit with me and everyone accepted that, some more than others eg my exboyfriends mother, she "strongly disapproved"
 

Devoto

New member
Apr 15, 2009
12
0
0
I agree with some advice already posted. If you let it become a part of your lifestyle (not going to church etc.) people are eventually going to catch on. If the question is raised then meet it then and there with what you believe.
 

Aurgelmir

WAAAAGH!
Nov 11, 2009
1,566
0
0
Oh this is a picky one. I am lucky to live in a country where it seems Atheist is the default value (at least from my point of view).
My family is hardly Christean at all, but they are the "Christmas Christians" that only go to Church on Christmas Eve, Weddings, Christenings and Funerals. The three latter I do not mind, because then I go for someone else, and not god. But the first one always felt hypocritical to me as an Atheist.

So a few years ago I said that I would not attend Church that Christmas, because I do not believe in god. This lead to my father mainly going all snippety with me. And each year they try and get me to go.

My point is your family might take a while to understand your feelings, but don't let them force you to "believe", because there is no point to that.
 

lSHaDoW-FoXl

New member
Jul 17, 2008
616
0
0
It is not through belief which we should judge someone, it is through who they are. And with that said I came out to my mother as both an atheist and a homosexual at the age of sixteen - she took it fine. But personal experiences aside I cannot guarantee you the same reaction. Some parents are fucking psychotic and I've read up many times where parents disowned their kids or punished them due to being an atheist. If your parents are the type of fellows that are weak minded enough to enforce their beliefs down your throat through punishment then it's better off they don't know until you're out of the house. (assuming you still live with them I mean)

Meanwhile for friends . . .

If they can't accept you're personal beliefs then I wouldn't call them friends nor would they be worth any of your time.
 

TheRightToArmBears

New member
Dec 13, 2008
8,674
0
0
Well, I don't have any experience of telling my family I'm atheist but I have had to deal with my strongly Catholic grandparents. Just and be reasonable about it. If they get angry and you stay calm you'll have a lot more leverage in future if you're trying to prove your point or be accepted or whatever. Being an asshole about the whole thing won't get you anywhere.
 

Rellik San

New member
Feb 3, 2011
609
0
0
Why do you have to tell them? Just say you don't feel like going to church any more and you wish to pursue other answers.

Faith or lack there of is something that is deeply personal, I won't tell someone I'm an Atheist just for the sake of it, I'll do it if the topic of religion is breached though. You just need to do the same. If they don't accept you, just tell them that's not very Christian or understanding of them.

Then again my advice may not be the best. I usually find in these instances my family are the odd ones out;

Mother; Pagan
Oldest Sister; Pagan
Older Sister; Naturist
Me; Atheist
Little Sister; Catholic
Nephew; Undecided/Allowed to make his own mind up.
Brother in Law; Agnostic
Grandparents; Christian
 

SiskoBlue

Monk
Aug 11, 2010
242
0
0
I'm not looking for a semantic debate but you say "atheist" yet you haven't said you don't BELIEVE in god, you've just LOST FAITH in god. Maybe that means you don't believe in god either but it's not clear.

If you tell your family you've lost faith but still believe in god they'll probably goad you into talking to your church leader, or try to get you to discuss it. It's possibly you're leaving a door open to rejoin the faith. However, if you don't believe in god then why mention it unless it's brought up. If your parents get upset then that can't be helped, you can't convince yourself if you don't believe in something.

Personally I BELIEVE there is no god. And I KNOW the Christian definition of god doesn't exist. I also see no reason to join any religious group, in fact I see good reasons to avoid all religious groups, but that's a different discussion. You can discuss your beliefs and faith reasonably til you're blue in the face with christians but it won't make a lick of difference. If they see it as their god given task to "help you return to the path" they will pester you with the best of intentions. You can hope they'll just accept your decision and let it go but generally that's unlikely. There's always one person who thinks they have to SAVE people (good lord the self-righetous arrogance of it).

If you don't tell them and they eventually find out, they'll probably accuse you of being ashamed about it. If that happens just tell them you don't plan to argue about it, discuss it or debate with them about it. You've made your decision and it doesn't require input from anybody else.

Spirituality and faith are very important things in life, but you don't need to be a christian or a believer to have those. Time to reverse the brain-washing.
 

Quinadin

New member
Oct 8, 2009
151
0
0
Have you tried talking to your Pastor/Minister (if you have one) about your doubts?

As to "coming out" I don't really have advice. You know your parents best. Are they the type of "christian" who would beat the Bible into you? If not then just give it to them straight. Maybe they can help.

If you don't get the answer your looking for then keep searching, keep asking questions. Even if you have to find it yourself.

If you're against religion then I suggest, don't bring it up, only talk about it when you're comfortable, and live your life the way you see best. You never know what you might find down the road.
 

Anarchemitis

New member
Dec 23, 2007
9,102
0
0
That is greatly unfortunate. I'm sorry that you feel that God does not satisfy your inner needs in a way that you find appealing.
 

Aidinthel

Occasional Gentleman
Apr 3, 2010
1,743
0
0
Aurgelmir said:
So a few years ago I said that I would not attend Church that Christmas, because I do not believe in god.
My family is similar, but I still go to the services. I like to sing the songs, even if they don't mean anything to me, and it makes them happy that we're doing something as a family. The nice thing about being an atheist is that you can do whatever religious ceremonies you want simply because you want to, without fear of divine consequence.

Of course now that you've taken a stand you have your pride to consider, but if you can give in gracefully (Perhaps something like "Will it make you happy if I go even if I still don't believe?") it might make everyone better off.