Coming out help

[Ultress]

A little background:I'm a 22 year old bisexual pre-everything MtF transsexual and I live with my parents working at a fast food job. I do have some women's clothing that I wear on occasion. As the topic title says I need some help on how to come out to my parents or if I should even come out at this point to them.They are very conservative and I don't know how they'll react.My girlfriend is in the same position as me and a little more out to her co workers and friends.

I just really want some advice on how the best way to come out to people and my parents specifically. I've confided in some close friends and a few co workers but I usually wait till my girlfriend does and I honestly feel kind of shitty for doing that even if I don't mean too. I just never know how to bring it up to those I want to tell.Should I start slow and just tell them I'm bi or just tell them everything in. I'm sorry this is a bit of a mess of a post I'm just at loss on how do do this kind of thing.Just ask and I'll try to clarify anything confusing.

Any help is much appreciated.

 

[Lilani]

Do your parents know you have the women's clothing, and do they know you wear it occasionally? If so, they probably already know, or are at least suspicious.

As for how to come out, I wish I could give you advice here, but I've never been in that situation so I really don't know I would approach it. I've seen notes left on the kitchen table or whatever that have worked out, and I'm sure regular conversations have worked too. I really wish I could tell you how to soften the blow a bit, but I guess I just don't know enough about your parents to know that. When you say "very conservative," what do you mean? Are they against gay marriage? Do they think gays are disgusting? Where exactly is the line for them on that? Have they ever told you anything about gay people they know? How extreme is their discomfort with gays?

The only thing I feel like I know for certain is that, however you do tell them, you find a way to tell it all at once. Or at least introduce one, and then in the same conversation reveal the other. However they're going to take it, I feel like they're going to either accept all or nothing. If they are receptive to the idea they'll be receptive to everything--the bisexuality and transexuality. If not, then they won't be accepting of either.

 

[Ultress]

Do your parents know you have the women's clothing, and do they know you wear it occasionally? If so, they probably already know, or are at least suspicious.

As for how to come out, I wish I could give you advice here, but I've never been in that situation so I really don't know I would approach it. I've seen notes left on the kitchen table or whatever that have worked out, and I'm sure regular conversations have worked too. I really wish I could tell you how to soften the blow a bit, but I guess I just don't know enough about your parents to know that. When you say "very conservative," what do you mean? Are they against gay marriage? Do they think gays are disgusting? Where exactly is the line for them on that? Have they ever told you anything about gay people they know? How extreme is their discomfort with gays?

The only thing I feel like I know for certain is that, however you do tell them, you find a way to tell it all at once. Or at least introduce one, and then in the same conversation reveal the other. However they're going to take it, I feel like they're going to either accept all or nothing. If they are receptive to the idea they'll be receptive to everything--the bisexuality and transexuality. If not, then they won't be accepting of either.

Thank you for the help. No they don't know about any of it except for a few pairs of semi-girly sock.

I should clarify that they seem not to have a problem with gays but at the same time they aren't very comfortable with them. I think my mom once said that she's fine with them but knows they are going to hell and thinks bisexuality is something the kids are saying these days to be rebellious.The fact that a friend of hers might be gay doesn't sit well with her. My dad more treats gay people like a joke calling them "funny that way" and seems to be more quite about his aversion to them.I hope that clears that up.

BTW love your avatar,Belle's one of my favorite Disney Princess(if she can be considered that).

 

[Jamieson 90]

If it were me in your situation I'd want to be financially stable and independent of my parents before I even brought up the subject, that way it wouldn't have such a negative impact on your life if they took it badly, and I mean that in the most sympathetic way; being rejected is terrible but at least you'd have your own home and money etc.

 

[Ultress]

If it were me in your situation I'd want to be financially stable and independent of my parents before I even brought up the subject, that way it wouldn't have such a negative impact on your life if they took it badly, and I mean that in the most sympathetic way; being rejected is terrible but at least you'd have your own home and money etc.

Thanks,yeah that's what I've been thinking too.My girlfriend and I have sort of discussed being able to make it on our own if shit went sour

 

[Lilani]

Thank you for the help. No they don't know about any of it except for a few pairs of semi-girly sock.

I should clarify that they seem not to have a problem with gays but at the same time they aren't very comfortable with them. I think my mom once said that she's fine with them but knows they are going to hell and thinks bisexuality is something the kids are saying these days to be rebellious.The fact that a friend of hers might be gay doesn't sit well with her. My dad more treats gay people like a joke calling them "funny that way" and seems to be more quite about his aversion to them.I hope that clears that up.

BTW love your avatar,Belle's one of my favorite Disney Princess(if she can be considered that).

Hm, from what you're saying here, I've got to agree with the others who have now posted. Stick it out until you've finished your higher education and are able to be financially independent. I feel terrible giving this advice since I feel like nobody should have to pretend to be something they're not, but on the other hand you can't let your parent's prejudices put you in danger or bring you down. You've got the "upper hand" at this point so to speak, since they either don't suspect or don't suspect enough to act upon it. So you should use it to your fullest advantage, to secure your future happiness and well-being.

And thanks, Belle is my favorite princess too, and I LOVE the music in the movie. And yeah, she is considered a princess even though she married into it, lol. Her gold dress was also my favorite for a long time, but now it's pretty much tied for Tiana's dress (I love the greens and nature motifs in Tiana's dress, but I love the silhouette and shapes in Belle's dress).

 

[Ultress]

A few things.

First, I've already asked a moderator for a trans group here on The Escapist to send you an invite. I don't have the power to do that myself.

Two, financial independence is very important when coming out. Some parents are okay when their kids come out as gay or trans, but when they start doing dating somebody of the same sex/start transitioning, they get hounded by their parents, even sometimes kicked out. Other times, parents will claim to be supportive but prevent transition. That is the exact same thing my mother was and still is doing. She was talking about how she was all supportive when I came out to her, she even offered a boob job, but she has repeatedly put my transition on hold and done everything possible to get in the way of my transition. When she found out I was using my insurance that I get from her to go see a doctor about transition, she pulled her coverage from me. You need financial independence in your life regardless, but it'll also be necessary for transition and if your parents boot you out.

Three, hold it off as long as you can without putting off transition. Or if you deem it much more beneficial in the long-term, you can put off transition for a little while. Dan Savage said something along the lines of "Come out to your parents after you finish college", the implication you have your college education from them. At first, I thought it was a bit immoral to do that, but after further thought, he's got a pretty good point. They're your parents, and they're supposed to care for you, raise you, and set you for your future. If they decide they don't want to do that anymore because you turned out to be a little bit different from what they expected, then fuck them, they're awful parents. A parent pulling support of their child who is gay or trans is no less petty and arbitrary than kicking your kid out of the house because they like the colour green or because they don't like pop music. Use your parents and the resources you gain by remaining in their favour, and don't feel guilty for a second about it. If they're supportive, then you've got nothing to worry about, if they disapprove or even outright disown you, you do the same to them. You owe nothing to your parents, they're the ones who owe something to you, they're the ones who accepted responsibility for you, and they should be held to that.

I could give a lot more advice, if necessary, but thats just what is coming to my mind at the moment.

Thanks you so much,this helps me a lot,right now I am trying to gain the financial independence as I am done with college but can't get a job in my field.So I'm trying to get into a decent position in a bakery.

I don't know why but now that I'm being more honest with myself about what I want and who I am,it's only a matter of time before I slip up and they find out and I don't want that to happen.