Constructive Criticism needed

[SamuelT]

I read some of it.

1. AAAARRRGHHHFWGLSHNG, the stereotype. I've read too many stories like this.

2. Well-structured, I must say. The reader knows what's happening, and the description is....functional, in that it tells you how things are happening. However, I do have a problem:

It's essentially sedentary, which means- your not exciting, not interesting, not intriguing enough. It needs more action, more personal matters, and more innovative description.

On the plus side- cannibalistic elves? A unsubtle satire of the environmentalist movement? I like. Elves should be evil.

Ooh, you haven't read too many of these stories. Perhaps this is a slow start. I wanted to drop you in the middle of it, but perhaps I should make a real 'beginning'.

Do note that this is the first of many chapters. The main subject is "Assassinations in an Industrial evolution-esque era. Indeed it starts off slow, but I wanted to introduce the protagonist as a Paranoia jerkish thief.

 

[S.H.A.R.P.]

I have tons of things to do, so I only arrived half-way or so. I did enjoy reading it though, not often does one see a rogue as the apparent main character in a novel, for me at least it is quite refreshing.

I saw a few discrepancies, but I'm sure someone will point them out. One thing though, if you have fine boots, I don't think the soles will fall off if you wear them whilst it's raining. Especially if you aren't doing much with them (e.g. horseback riding).

Anyway, do continue your work, and be so kind as to inform us when it is done!

Spoiler: And quote me to see how I spoilered your post by pressing the quote button on the right below this post

Here I am. (Awesandapplause)

I've written a few chapters of a story, but being the author I can't judge it properly. I wanted you guys/femmes to give opinions. (Constructive) critique may be given. "A steaming pile of horse dung" is perfectly fine, if you give reasons. It is a work in progress.

Please note that I'm not native-english, so any mistake in grammar or spelling will be worked out, no need to point that out. Although 'rough' sentences may be pointed out.

So..yeah, here goes.


Chapter one,

Samuel leaned back in his chair. The man in front of him was clearly cheating, he could see the extra cards peeking from his right sleeve. He looked at his own hand, and almost scowled. He had hoped to get two kings, completing his royals. But he got a farmer and a king instead. No amount of sweet talking could get him out of this situation. The cheater eyed him with an expression that seemed gleeful to Samuel, worsening his foul mood.

Samuel looked around the hazy inn. The building was large, but still packed with people. Lots of traders passed this inn when transporting goods to the capital of Stronghold, and a lot of them had hired extra hands to protect their cargo. The king?s lane was the main route to Saruan, the capital of Stronghold and The Elderberry was the only place to get a bed and a warm meal for miles around. The waitress seemed too busy to catch Samuel?s searching gaze. He sighed and lowered his cards The cheater?s glee was now clear to Samuel. He was about to declare his loss, and lose half of his savings of this month, when the door of the inn opened.

The cheater turned his head to see who entered, because it was at least a few hours before dawn, and Samuel saw the opportunity to escape. He snatched his purse and the purse of the cheater of the table and pulled the hood from his cloak over his face, obscuring his features. After he dove into the crowd, he heard the outraged shouts of the cheater behind him and smirked. His money was safe.

When he had crossed the inn?s width, Samuel looked at the person who had entered The Elderberry. A man of average height, posh clothing and bearing an expensive looking saber stood at the door, shaking water of his mantle. The rain must be getting worse, Samuel thought. This would mean a long ride home, and a wet one.

The newcomer walked towards the bar, pushing Samuel aside, and beckoned to the waitress.
?Can you get me something to eat?? He asked. His voice was raw, like he had been shouting a lot lately.
?I have some soup still boiling, sir.? The waitress answered. The man grunted and reached for his purse.
?I suppose? he said while grabbing a silver hand, the currency of Stronghold. ?Can you get someone to look at my horse? It needs to be taken care of? The waitress nodded.

?Certainly sir, I will have Derrick look after it? The man nodded and settled into waiting.
A horse, Samuel thought. That would ease the ride home. And judging from the size of the man?s purse, it was filled with a substantial amount of money. Plus he was tired and irritated, the perfect target. Samuel edged closer to the man, eying the place where he had put his money. He had it attached with a string to his clothing, like any man with money did. Samuel pulled out his small knife he bore with him for something like that.

As if she did it on purpose, the waitress came out of the masses of people, bearing a bowl of steaming soup. Samuel smirked again. He followed the waitress, and when she gave the man the soup with a ?There you go sir? He walked past him, cut through the small string and pocketed the money. The man didn?t notice anything.

Samuel saw that the rain had worsened. He didn?t fancy a long trip to his home, but his actions of this night made if dangerous to sleep in The Elderberry. Sighing, he made his way towards the door and opened it. He looked at the ghastly weather with disgust. The thin crescent moon was almost entirely obscured by thick clouds, making it a very dark night.

Samuel pulled his cloak tighter around him and stepped into the rain. He almost immediately got soaked. Shivering, he made his way to the small stables at the side of the inn. Derrick, the stable-boy, was already cleaning up after caring for the horse that the man had left there. The horse didn?t look quite as good as the man clothed himself, but it would have to suffice.
Anything better then trudging through this weather.

The horse was tied to a wooden pole, but not too carefully. And for some reason the horse still wore its harness.
Odd, but all the better for me. Samuel thought. But he had seen a lot of crazy things in his life. Once he had seen cannibalistic elves who only ate human or elven flesh, because they would not willingly harm nature.

Derrick ran through the curtain of rain back into the inn. Finally, Samuel thought. He entered the stables, welcoming the shelter from the relentless rain. The horse whinnied softly when it saw him. Samuel carefully approached the horse. Once he got kicked by a horse, and he didn?t want to feel that again. He looked around the stable, searching for something edible. A conveniently placed carrot laid on a barrel. He grabbed it and fed it to the horse. It seemed to relax. Samuel stoked the horses? neck and the animal relaxed even more. Samuel glanced outside. The storm still raged on and it didn?t seem likely that the rain would stop any time soon.

He resigned to having to ride through this awful weather, and probably ruining his fine boots, and got on the horse. The beast did not expect this and whinnied again. Samuel sat for a while, letting the horse adjust to this sudden weight. After a moment went by, he took the reins and spurred the horse forward.

Just as Samuel got hit by the icy rain, the door of The Elderberry opened, and the seemingly rich man stepped outside. He saw the Samuel sitting on his horse and immediately started to shout

?Oi! What the blazes do you think you are-? He stopped when Samuel rode up to him. The man stiffened. Samuel?s smile was hidden by the shadow his hood casted on his face. His height of seven feet and his gleaming, almost white eyes made him look like some kind of demon.
?Be gone mortal.? He said in a low voice. The rich man started to stutter something, but Samuel flicked the reins. The horse galloped away. His smile now a broad grin, he maneuvered the horse north-west, to his home.

Samuel?s fine mood induced by the acquiring of a horse and a fine sum of money was lessened when he reached the goat?s trail that would lead up to his home. It was a small five miles away from The Elderberry, but only a hundred feet from the open road. Samuel pulled back his hood, releasing his thick, curly, brown hair. He welcomed the clear sky; he always enjoyed the sight of numerous stars and the moon above the mountains that surrounded the King?s Lane. Although the rain had stopped moments ago, it had still ruined his black leather boots. The soles had come off and the wind made his toes feel like clumps of ice.

The horse had difficulty getting further on the goat?s trail with his weight, so Samuel descended and let the horse further on foot. It was not long before he could see his house. It wasn?t big, just enough to house himself. What he liked the most about the place was that a big, lazy river passed by it. It provided excellent drinking waters, but also a sizable amount of fish. That combined with the small strip of land he grew vegetables and fruit on was enough to feed him for weeks. When Samuel reached his house he tied the horse to a broken fence and reached in his pocket.

He got out a solid steel band with four keys attached to it, one in a light shade of yellow, the other one in a darker. The other ones were white and black. He put the lightest shade of yellow in the top lock on the door. The darker one in the lock below. The door clicked open. He stepped in, locked the door behind him, and unclasped his cloak. He dropped it over the single stool that was seated at the small table. He used the other keys to open the shutters of the two windows at either side of his single-chambered house. A bed occupied the far side of the room. A small stove he used mainly for cooking fish was placed next to the small table. Also a chest-high bookcase stood beside the bed. A fairly big collection of books filled it, with titles such as ?The Grand Betrayal explained? and ?The Black Rose, Facts and Fiction?

Samuel searched around, looking for anything out of the ordinary. He didn?t expect anything, the locks were intact, but he did notherless. Nothing seemed out of place. He glanced out of the window, and saw the horse standing rigid with eyes closed, apparently asleep. Wishing he could close his eyes and fall asleep, he retrieved a ebony chest decorated with rolled gold. He had once found it on a job of his, the object he was supposed to take with him was enclosed in this box, and he couldn?t give it away. Now he used it to store his money. Sadly, the box made little sound when he picked it up. He opened it with another key he kept on a small chain around his neck. He opened it, and a single golden hand greeted him.

He grabbed the purse of the man he robbed in The Elderberry and the one he nicked from the cheater. Checking, he found the cheaters? man to be filled with wooden coins. That foul-mouthed bastard! He thought. He was certain that the purse was filled with silver, he had seen it! He must have carried two purses. He threw the it away, disgusted. His own carried a considerable amount. The one of the man he stole from was filled with gold hands, and an occasionally silver one. He poured the contents in his box. After savoring the amount of money he had acquired, he closed the ebony box, locked it and put the box back under his bed.

After he had safely secured the box, he kicked out his boots and fell on his bed and closed his eyes. Sleep overtook him within seconds.

?Sam! Sam, you there!?? Samuel woke with a start. Judging from the weak light that streamed in through the window, it was just after sunrise. ?Sam?? someone called outside, followed by knocking on the door. Samuel sighed and got up. So much for a long sleep, he thought.

He got up, retrieved the keys from his pocket and lumbered to the door. He brushed his hand through his hair to flatten it somewhat and opened the door. A woman in her younger years of her womanhood stood before him. She had brown hair, with a few streaks of blonde through it. She had green eyes, almost as green as the grass. She normally wore nothing special, a shirt with trousers. Her name was Irene, and she was the closest and only friend Samuel had. She lived in a small community a few miles north, Belmund Samuel thought it was named, and held sheep for their wool as well as selling pottery and dishes.

?Irene? What are you doing here?? he asked. She gave him a look that made his cheeks redden. ?You forgot, didn?t you?? Samuel racked his thought on what she meant. Suddenly he remembered, he was supposed accompany her to Saruan, for her to get her wool to the tailor. The Lane was under constant supervision, but Irene always felt safer if he was around. Or so she said. He leaned against the wall and sighed, running his hand through his hair, making it all ruffled.

?Irene, I?m sorry, I forgot.? She seemed mildly irritated by that. ?But- Hang on, let me get my boots and we can go.? Irene smiled a little.
?Alright, but not too long. The lane will be filled with people soon, that?ll be a nightmare.? Samuel nodded and shot into the house. He retrieved his other pair of boots, put his ruined pair in a jute sac, clasped on his still damp cloak, got his money and picked up his crossbow who stood against the wall next to the door. He also tied a cylinder with fifty steel-tipped bolts to his belt. When he had everything he needed he locked the windows, got outside and locked the door as well. Then he carefully attached the key-band to a metal chain attached to his belt and put the keys in his pocket..

Irene was already seated on her wagon with a pair of chestnut horses in front of it. He ran through the mud, splattering his already stained pants. He threw his boots in the wagon, next to a few sacs of wool and seated himself next to Irene. Then he looked back. The horse was still standing in front of the shack, tied to the fence. He couldn?t just leave it there, It would die.

?Do we have room for another horse?? He asked Irene. She shrugged.
That meant yes. ?Thank you? He said to her, and jumped off the wagon. He sprinted back to the horse and lead it to the wagon. He made sure the reigns were attached before jumping back on again.

He checked the tension of his crossbow and the firing mechanism. Irene flicked with the reigns and the horses started to move. Samuel relaxed. This was a standard trip. Every few months they would travel together to Saruan, she to sell her products and he to catch up on latest news and to get some stuff fixed or buying new ones.

?I heard from Reese today.? Irene said, interrupting his thoughts. Samuel sat up straight.
?Really? That?s great!? he said, surprised. Reese, Irene?s older brother joined the Stronghold Army two months ago, and Irene was worried sick about him. He was stationed at the site where Stronghold suffered the most under attacks by the barbarian elves. Irene smiled sadly.

?Not too great. He got hit by an arrow in his leg and it pierced an artery. They may have to amputate his leg to stop it from infecting. Even then, he might not live.? Irene said with a sad look.
Samuel was silent for a moment. ?I?m sorry.?

?Don?t be, Sam. You couldn?t possibly know? Irene said. Samuel was silent for a moment, then nodded. He knew Reese quite well, and the possibility of him dying was quite shocking.
They reached the main road about an hour later. A few people dotted the lane, a lot of them being traders from other Earldoms. Samuel saw a colorful caravan, probably from the earldom north-west of Stronghold which was a very hot one. Most of it was composed of scorching hot desert. A few individuals on horses, as well as wagons, used the Lane as well.

The trip to Saruan was quite a long one, it would take the better part of the day. Samuel bartered with a pair of merchants who sold him a loaf of bread for a very low price. Fools, Samuel thought. He tore the loaf in half and gave the other piece to Irene. She accepted it and thanked him. Irene chatted with him about her life and his. Although Samuel didn?t release much about the specifics of his life, she had plenty to talk about.

?You won?t believe what bargain I have found yesterday.? She said when the sun was about midway across the sky. They were two hours away from Saruan, but had stopped to give the horses a rest. Irene had placed the wagon at the side of the road. ?Two merchants passed Belmund and sold jewelry at ridiculous prices. I bought this-? She reached down her neck and pulled out a form attached to a silver chain ?- for two bronze hands.? She showed the jewelry. It was a glittering rose with black leaves and a blood-red stalk. Samuel stiffened. ?H-how did these merchants look like, Irene?? this question confused Irene.

?Well, they were awfully well armed, both had swords and a couple of axes. They wore cloaks? They spoke with a heavy accent, and they looked like they came from Roïca.? Samuel relaxed. The Black Rose was concentrated in Stronghold and the surrounding earldoms. Roïca was too far to be under their influence. And the piece of jewelry seemed nothing more than that, a trinket.

Samuel had thought that the merchants, and the necklace, had pointed to the Brotherhood of Assassin?s, the Black Rose. At first, the brotherhood was government-sanctioned. The targets were criminals and corrupt royals. But later, The Black Rose refined the art of killing, creating new ways to remain undetected and ways to kill without leaving a trace on the body. After the assassination of the earl who ruled at that time by the Black Rose, the Brotherhood became an independent organization. It killed for profit, for revenge, for the pleasure of killing. Sometimes a person would get messages, only to disappear a day later.

Samuel himself had, on two separate occasions, come home to find a dagger with a pure white blade sticking out of his table. The handle had been shaped in the form of rose petals, completely black. He had not hesitated. He had grabbed the most important things from his house where he lived and galloped away. Last time it had happened, he had escaped the earldom he had lived in, to flee to Stronghold. It was not easy leaving everything behind, but lately he hadn?t been contacted

At a silent piece of road, void of other travelers, Samuel saw Irene look sideways. He followed her gaze and found her staring at the side of the road. Suddenly she stopped the wagon and got her quarterstaff from the back of the wagon.
?Irene, what are-?
Irene made a cutting gesture. She gazed at the bush, and whispered ?Barbaric elf?. Samuel scowled, and put a steel-tipped bolt on his crossbow. He searched the foliage for any sign of the elf. Suddenly, a small, hunch-backed figure came running towards them with outstretched arms.

It had a leathery skin, and couldn?t be more than four feet tall. Long, fanglike teeth extended over its chin. It had a muscular chest, but short , thin legs. Its face was wild, barbaric, and far from human. It jumped at them, but Irene brought down her staff on the elf, cracking its skull. Another pair of barbaric elves followed. Samuel shot a bolt at the one in front, then at the one at back. They both got flung back, blood spraying from their chests.

Another elf ran from the bushes, but he sped down the lane. Samuel fired a bolt at it, but it missed. He noted that Irene wasn?t hurt. He walked up to the elves, one of them was still twitching. Samuel bent to pull out the bolt of the still elf, and tried to do the same with the moving one. It clawed at him while letting out a gargling scream. Filthy creature, Samuel thought when he put another bolt on his crossbow. He fired at the head. The bolt pinned the creature to the lane. Not wanting to put his hands in a skull of a barbaric elf, he left the bolt were it was.

?You alright?? Irene asked him when he seated himself next to her on the wagon. She flicked the reins and the horses started to pull the carriage again. ?I?m fine, you?? Irene winced.
?Hurt my wrist when hitting that elf.? She said ?Nothing bad, just a pain.? Samuel shook his head and grabbed her by the upper arm. A blue blotch disfigured her left wrist. ?Irene?this isn?t looking good.? Irene freed her wrist. ?It?ll be gone in a few days Sam, nothing to psych about..? Samuel doubted this, but didn?t comment on it.

Further up the road the area began to slope downwards. Samuel tried to see Saruan past the mountain they had been looking against for the past hour. The sun stood low at the sky before they passed it. Samuel finally saw the city of Saruan. His eyebrows rose. Last time he had seen it, the city had been a fortress with a densely populated city on the same island in a sea-connected lake with a few small fishing villages at the opposing banks. Now they had grown out to be full cities. The fortress on the island had been expanded too. It now covered the entire land, and all traces of homes and shops had been erased. A lot had changed in four months.

Samuel also noted that a high wall had been erected around the pieces of city on the banks. It seemed poorly constructed, a lot of stones were sticking out, providing lots of handholds for one to hang on to, and possibly climb into the city. A crowd of people streamed into the city.
Samuel looked at Irene and said: ?Have you seen this before??
Irene shook her head, her brown curls bouncing around her face. She looked at the city for a while before the said:

?No I haven?t. Shall we?go towards that part?? She asked, pointing to the district west of the fortress. Based on the amount of wagons, full and empty, rolling into the city, Samuel guessed this was a merchants? district. Samuel nodded. He wasn?t partial of going into this new city, filled with unknowns. But he would go. And get out as fast as possible. 

If you've gone through it all, you deserve a cookie and huggles.

 

[jakobhl]

Just skimmed it, and I would say there's potential. Here's some of the few things I noticed though. It might be a little nitpicky, but ohh well:
Sometimes you'll use the same word a little too often, fx.
"Samuel looked around the hazy inn. The building was large, but still packed with people. Lots of traders passed this inn when transporting goods to the capital of Stronghold,".
There was a better example but couldn't find it.
Some sentences could be smoothened up as well:
"He had hoped to get two kings, completing his royals. But he got a farmer and a king instead."
Would go with something like "He had hoped to get two kings, completing his royal(s?), but instead, a jack and a king glared back at him".
or something like that, I'm no wordsmith myself, but you get the idea. Keep up the good work though, it's always wonderful to see people with drive.

 

[SamuelT]

Just skimmed it, and I would say there's potential. Here's some of the few things I noticed though. It might be a little nitpicky, but ohh well:
Sometimes you'll use the same word a little too often, fx.
"Samuel looked around the hazy inn. The building was large, but still packed with people. Lots of traders passed this inn when transporting goods to the capital of Stronghold,".

I made this in word, so the Italic diagonal letters don't show. "This' was supposed to be Italic.

 

[The Shade]

I made this in word, so the Italic diagonal letters don't show. "This' was supposed to be Italic.

You can make italics on these forums by putting what you want to say between a and a

But without the spaces between the < and the i.

Did that make any sense at all? 0_o


Better yet, just quote this and look at it how I made these Italics

 

[SamuelT]

Bugger it, I'm gonna post the next section.

Bit more action, but I think in terms of writing it's inferiour to the first chapter.

Chapter two:

Samuel pulled the collar of his cloak up to protect his ears from the biting wind. It was late, and the wind that was blowing over the water was cold. Irene was talking to an older lady who was examining one of her self-made pots. Money passed from hand to hand, and the old lady gave a little wave to Irene. She walked back to Samuel and gave him the money. He nodded and took it, putting the silver coins in a leather bag. When he put the purse back, he saw a large man garbed in a black cloak staring at the two of them. A moment later he melted into shadow. Samuel blinked. Probably a stray magician, he thought. But he suspected that this was more.

He leaned against the wagon that stood behind him. Getting into the city had taken longer that he thought. The masses had moved at a nerve-wrecking pace and they had to ?contribute? to the city, meaning paying an outrageous sum of hands. Then they tried to find a place to place the wagon and started to offer Irene?s wares, only to be stopped by a Saruan-Official. Nothing more than legalized theft, Samuel thought. They had to pay a fee for standing here without a permit, and paying even more to buy a permit. After accepting the hands, the bureaucrat added with a filthy grin: ?If you plan on staying in the city, you?ll have to park this cart at the Bureau." The profit barely made up for their losses.

Samuel bent forward and whispered: ?Shall we call it a day?? in Irene?s ear. She started and turned. Seeing it was him, she shook her head. ?Sam, don?t do that.? Samuel grinned and raised his shoulders. ?Yes? She said after observing the people that passed them. ?Yes, let?s call it a day.? Samuel nodded and placed Irene?s remaining merchandise in the wagon.


?Royal house, gentlemen? The fat man exclaimed, while showing his cards. Samuel groaned together with the men around him. He eyed the man sitting two seats left of him. He was the same man that cheated on him last night. The small pile of hands that sparkled in the middle of the table disappeared in the fat man?s purse.

Samuel glanced around the small, but cheap, inn he and Irene were staying. They had placed the wagon at the Bureau of trade, where every form of transportation had to be placed for the night, and found this little inn a few streets away. Irene had gone to the room, saying she was very tired, and Samuel had stayed in the taproom. Minutes after Irene?s departure, the cheater had barged in with some other folk. The fat man had challenged every lot of them, including Samuel. Probably drunk, Samuel had thought, but played notherless.

Now, he wanted his justice on the cheater.

Samuel rose from the table and yawned. ?Sorry men, but I can?t play another round without passing out.? Some mockery laughter rose around him. They were already playing another round when Samuel noticed the leather bag the cheater had used to store his money hanging from the man?s belt. He smirked, and snatched it away in his passing.

A feeling of righteousness filled him. He had brought justice on the man who wanted to steal him. He wanted to walk up the stairs, and into the room he shared with Irene, when he felt a fist slam into his shoulder. He spun around, his hand already flying to his dagger when a fleshy hand grabbed him by the throat.

?You sneaky little rat. Thinkin? you could nick me hands eh? Well, you?ll have another thing comin? before I?ll let that pass.? The cheater spat through clenched teeth. He brought his fist back, ready to punch Samuel in the face, when Samuel saw a dagger slip in front of the cheaters? throat.

?Would you be so kind?? a voice said. A hand appeared on the hand that was slowly choking Samuel. The cheater let go and backed up slowly. The dagger stayed on his throat ?Well now, if you want to live, you?ll walk out of this inn without incident, do you understand?? The voice asked. The cheater nodded and the dagger disappeared. He turned and walked straight out of the inn.

Samuel looked up and saw a tall man with short, graying hair and a stern face sheathing his dagger. Samuel thought he saw the flash of a white blade before it was covered. The man looked down on Samuel and grinned, showing a smile which missed two teeth. ?You?ll have no problem of him anymore lad, trust me.? He held out a hand and helped Samuel on his feet.

?Thank you? Samuel said, rubbing his throat. That cheater had hurt him quite a bit. The older man shook his hand and said.

?The name?s Mard, I?m a?soldier of fortune.? He said with the slightest hesitation. Samuel nodded and said ?My name?s Sam.? Mard nodded and turned to leave. ?Watch that neck, eh lad? I can?t be always there to save you!? and left with a hearty laughter.

Samuel frowned. He didn?t know this Mard, and for no reason he rescued him from a bruised face. It bothered him, people didn?t put themselves in danger for nothing. Still rubbing his neck, he walked the remaining distance to the stairs. It lead him to a small hallway.

He opened the first door on his left hand and stepped in the room beyond. He saw a swift movement and, after his eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, Irene diving on the mattress lying on the ground. ?Irene?? She pulled the blankets of her head and brushed her hair out of her face.

?Sam..hi.?
She was breathing hard. Samuel glanced between her and the window through which a cold wind blew.

?Irene, have you been outside?? he asked. Irene sighed. She sat up straight and the blanket fell of her. She was wearing a tight cotton shirt and a leather studded pants.

?Yes. Some man passing promised to buy my entire inventory if I?d deliver a package to some small house a few streets from here. I did so, and he bought my pots for a ridiculous amount.?

?Mhm?? Samuel said. He strongly doubted this, but he couldn?t tell Irene what to do or what not to do. ?Well, That means we can return tomorrow morning?? he asked.

?Unless you?ve got something else to take care of, we can.? Samuel shook his head.

?No, I?ve got nothing to do here. We can return tomorrow, after the Bureau opens.? Irene nodded and fell back on her mattress. Samuel walked to his and fell on it, not even bothering to remove his shirt. It was a long time until he fell asleep.


Samuel woke while it was still dark. It was probably a short time 'till dawn. A light fog drifted through the city. Through the still open window he heard the soft chatting. His brain, fogged from his early waking, registered something odd. He sat up and shook his head. After his head cleared, he glanced at Irene.

Her mattress was empty.

Samuel jumped to his feet and looked wildly around the room. Nothing of a note or a message. Her clothes and bags were gone. He grabbed his bag and searched through it.
His hands were taken.

Or something has happened to her, or she just turned into a banshee, Samuel thought. Irene wasn?t someone who would betray him. Or at least, of what he got to know of her in the six months he knew her. He got up from his crouch and started to walk around, wringing a cloth in his left hand in frustration.

He was worried about Irene, but that wasn?t the only reason he was agitated. He was afraid that the Black Rose was behind this. The meeting with Mard with his white dagger, and the man he saw yesterday night on the streets, and now this. It couldn?t be coincidence. He wanted to look for Irene, but his instincts told him to get out of the city. He stood a moment, trying to make up his mind.

He decided that it would be best to report Irene?s disappearance to the Bureau, who would in turn note it to authorities, and get as fast as he could to his house, get his horse and ride to Belmund. He would wait for Irene, or some other message, there.

Samuel gathered his belongings and stuffed them in his pack. He tied his crossbow to his left leg, where he could reach it if he needed it. He tied the tube with bolts, forty-eight of them, to his right forearm. He reached for the door handle, when he remembered his hands were missing. If he couldn't pay for the room, He'd make a scene. He turned and looked out the window. It lead to a lower roof, probably of the taproom. A few single-story houses were separated from the inn by a small alley. Samuel grabbed the window still and jumped on the roof of the taproom. He landed lightly.

He rose and ran over the roof. He jumped over the gap that separated the inn and the adjacent houses. To the people below, he was nothing more than a fleeting shadow in the light mist. Samuel grinned. He liked it when he was invisible to people. It made him feel powerful.

He tried to jump over another alley, a larger this time, but he misjudged the distance. He tried to grab the edge of the roof, but he couldn't hang on to it. He fell down the wall, bracing for the impact. To his surprise, he fell in something soft. He was grateful, but coughed when he smelled the odor of whatever he landed in. He looked down, and saw that he had landed in a large pile of rotting vegetables.

He rose and brushed the garbage from his clothes. When he raised his right arm, he saw that a bunch of the bolts were broken. He removed them and growled softly. He threw them away and tried to find out where he landed.

He noticed that the alley lead to the street that ran through the center of this district. At the end of it, attached to the wall that surrounded the city, was the Bureau. Samuel eyed the mass of people already traveling on the street. He wasn?t fond of moving in a crowd. That made him feel vulnerable. He took a deep breath and stepped into the mass.

Immediately he was swept with the people. He used his elbows to stay upright and concentrated on the people around him. Grumpy and skinny faced stared at him. I should have put on my cloak, damn! Samuel thought. People were tense when they looked at the crossbow strapped to his leg. He tried to move as normal, but he was looking left and right for possible assailants or the brown and golden hair of Irene.

The moment Samuel saw the Bureau he worked a way through the crowd and entered the building. The interior was large, sparsely lighted and very quiet. The air was cool inside, and very quiet The floor was made from black and white marble, probably brought in from Dramoth, the only place where Stronghold had a Mine, or from other earldoms. Desks stood spread around the entire hall, and wooden benches lined the walls. A few people sat on them, apparently waiting for a very long time.

In front of a smaller desk stood a wooden sign, stating ?Transportation?. Samuel walked towards it. The man with balding, gray hair and a small pair of glasses on his nose saw him approach and sighed. Samuel opened his mouth to speak, but the small man spoke first in a bored tone. ?Please wait your turn? he said and pointed with his feather to a full bench next to the desk.

Samuel frowned. He wasn?t used to be handled like a normal peasant. ?Listen sir, I?ve got a situation of life and death-?

?I?m sure you have something very important and life threatening on your hands, but you?ll have. To wait. Your turn.? The small man interrupted him. Now Samuel got angry. No one ignores me, he thought. He slammed his left fist on the table and pulled the piece of paper the little man was writing on away, throwing it from the desk. The point of the feather broke, and ink sprayed over the small man.

?Listen, you bureaucratic slave.? Samuel growled at the man. ?A good friend of my is missing, possibly in danger of losing her life. I?m here without money, and my only form of transportation is in your stables.? He leant forward, softening his voice in a menacing growl. ?Now, I?m very anxious about getting out of here, and you are my only way to report my friends? disappearance. So if you like keeping your finges, start filling in some form, or get someone who can help me!?

The man trembled. ?O-of course sir. If you?ll wait for a moment, I?ll get someone to?help you.? And he sped away, through a door on the far wall. The sparse guards in the Bureau eyed him with caution, all with bare axes or short swords in hands. The commoners shrunk back when he glanced at them.

Samuel leaned back on the desk, drumming with his fingers on the wooden surface. At least ten minutes passed before the same door swung open. Through it stepped a broad, bald man with a large, curly mustache and a white dagger in hand. Damn! A Black Rose! Samuel thought. Behind him stepped a older man with fully gray hairs. It was Mard.

Samuel swore and tore the crossbow from his leg. He put a bold on it and fired at the two newcomers. The ducked, and ran towards him. They were inhumanly fast, and crossed the large hall very fast. Samuel turned and sprinted to the door. A couple of guards stood before it, barring the way. Samuel stopped, crouched and fired three bolts in a few seconds. The guards fell, one clutching his left leg and the other one pinned to the wall through his shoulder. The last one missed the other guard. Samuel sped past him, taking a glancing blow from the guard's club. A commoner screamed, and the rest of the people in the Bureau panicked.

Samuel stormed out of the Bureau and ran around it. He heard the whinny of a horse and the harsh voices of stable-caretakers. He looked over his left shoulder, and he saw a dozen of guards ran after him, the man of the Black Rose leading.

He jumped over the wooden fence that lined the place where the horses were kept. He searched and saw the chestnut-horses of Irene standing near him. He sprinted at the nearest and jumped on its back.

The horse reared when Samuel grabbed its manes. He held on as tight as he dared, clutching to the crossbow in his left hand. The horse calmed after a few moments of panicking. Samuel pushed his heels into the flanks of the horse. It started to run towards the fence.

The Black Rose assassin and Mard ran past the corner of the Bureau. Samuel maneuvered the horse so that it would run straight for the gate, a small two hundred meters away. The horse jumped over the fence, and landed just in front of Mard. Samuel looked at him, and noticed that they were blood-red. The horse galloped towards the west gate. The mass parted, and a lot of people screamed. Samuel concentrated on holding on. He wasn?t used to riding a horse bareback.

The alarm bell sounded from the guard tower in the middle of the city. The monotonous ringing made Samuel fearing for his life. Every guard now knew that someone was fleeing from soldiers. Samuel saw the gate, but the portcullis was being lowered.
He tried to make the horse go faster, but it was slowing to avoid collision with the soldiers barring the exit. Samuel prodded the horse in its flank, trying to ride through the gate before getting locked in, but the horse wouldn?t obey.

Samuel grunted out of displeasure. He swung his right leg over the back of the horse and readied himself to jump off. The soldiers in front of him looked with doubtful looks, as if they didn?t believe that Samuel would jump off a moving horse.

He did.

The horse veered off to the left, knocking people over while desperately trying to get away from the men in front of the gate, and Samuel hit the dusty street. He landed hard and tried to run further, but lost his balance and fell. His face hit the ground, chipping off part of his tooth and splitting open his bottom-lip.

He shook his head and spat out the blood filling his mouth. He got up and looked back. The soldiers and the assassin followed. Looking in front of him, he saw that the soldiers were advancing on him with drawn weapons.

He got afraid, and with that fear something primal took over. Thoughts evaporated and his one objective remained. Escape

He looked around and saw a small alley running towards the wall. He darted past the people in his way and ran into the shadowed alley. It lead him towards the poorly constructed stone wall. He looked up, and saw that the handhelds were plentiful. The sound of multiple men in armor resonated behind him.

Samuel jumped as high as he could for his first handheld, a half-crumbled brick. He grabbed it, and slammed into the wall. He held on with both hands, and lunged for a protruding brick, a feet higher and pulled up his other hand. He scrambled with his legs until he stood on his first handheld.

He rose another ten feet before the Black Rose assassin stood beneath him. He cursed and lunged for the handheld as well. Samuel crawled up the wall fast, and reached the top fairly fast. He sat for a minute to catch his breath, then got up again.

The assassin was about half way up, so Samuel looked for a ladder of a pole, something to get him down again. If he?d climb down the same fashion as he did the way up, we was certain he?d be spotted. Looking down the wall, he saw a pile of hay at the bottom. No way I?m jumping down, Samuel thought. But the fear of falling into the hands of the Black Rose was bigger than the fear of injury.

He scanned his surroundings one last time, to see if he?d missed anything. He had not. He jumped on top of the ramparts and jumped. The air rushed past him as he fell down. At one point, he felt a sharp pain from the small of his back up to his neck. He ignored it and concentrated on relaxing his body. He landed hard.

Samuel didn?t move at first. He tried to feel if he?d injured himself. This not being the case, he sat up straight. He felt a dull, but consistent, pain emanating from his back. He felt it and found out that his skin was torn up from his back to his neck. Luckily, only the skin was torn, not the muscle He looked up and saw a nail protruding from the wall.

Lord, that hurts. Samuel thought when he got up. He bled, but not so much that he would pass out. He brushed the pieces of hay from his cloak, and looked at his crossbow. It hung broken at his leg. The two arms were missing and the firing mechanism was broken in a few places. Fat good that?ll do to me, Samuel thought.

He discarded the broken weapon and looked around.. No horse or other animal was nay, so Samuel resigned to having to walk. He set off at a frenzied pace, wincing as his back hurt with every step. He looked up and saw the sun finally peeking over the distant mountains. Damn that?s far, Samuel thought.

 

[Hatchling]

One little tip from me, stop starting paragraphs with Samuel. Doing this once or twice is ok but when in chapter one it is done at least 8 times it just seems like you can't think of anything better.