Yeah, it's one of those threads. I'd appreciate some constructive criticism on this piece. Its the intro chapter to a story that I'm putting together for our Universe [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/362.308574-Life-in-the-53rd-Century-New-Sci-Fi-universe-2-Always-looking-for-contributors-and-Artists?page=1] over in the Roleplaying Forum.
First Chapter of Luck of the Draw.
What do you guys think? Please leave your opinions or your criticisms in your responses. I appreciate the feedback.
First Chapter of Luck of the Draw.
Luck of the Draw
Chapter 1: The Job
As the entrance to the dimly lit office creaked open, a faint yellow light poured over the man sleeping in his chair behind a cluttered desk. The room was a mess, papers thrown about, garbage peeking out from the top of the waste receptacle in the wall. The only thing that could be considered relatively organized was the slumped figure now stirring in the light, and even that might be stretching the realms of reality a bit too far. The man was unshaven, wearing a stained shirt and torn pants, holding a bottle in either hand.
At least he?s consistent, thought the tall human now standing in the doorway. Not like the rest of the idiots I have to work with. The man strode towards the desk, swept the trash off with one hand, leaned over, and rapped the drunk on his forehead. The slouching fool tried to spit out a protest, but was quickly cut off.
?I don?t want to hear it Barret. Get up off your ass and meet me in the main hold. I mean it Barret! And before you ask, no, you cannot take the bottle with you, leave it on the desk, get suited up, and for the love of god, clean up that room you call an office!?
The man known as Barret lurched out of his seat, and started to shout back at the man walking briskly back down the hallway. ?For fuck?s sakes Redmond, I can?t even have a bloody nap on this goddamn hulk!? What d?you think you?re doin? anyways? You should be thankful I even joined your fuckin? crew!?
Redmond stopped in the middle of the hallway, and turned back towards the drunk. ?For your information, jackass, you?ve been asleep for twelve hours today alone. It was the same yesterday, and the bloody day before that. This is my crew, and my ship. If you don?t play by my rules, feel free to use the airlock. I won?t lose any sleep over it. Put your fucking suit on, and get your ass to the main hold! We?ve got a job coming up.? He turned back around, and stepped through the access hatch at the end of the hall.
For god?s sake, the very idea that that man is probably my best employee either says more about him than I give him credit for, or I have abysmal standards. Redmond shook his head in exasperation as he continued down the hallway before turning left into the main hold. The room was well lit unlike Barret?s den, and comparatively tidy. There was a bar at the far end of the hold, a bunch of game tables in the right hand corner, and a nice selection of couches occupying the space in the middle surrounding a large three dimensional video transceiver.
Sure, the air was filled with smoke and the instantly recognizable stench of Rush, but it was for all intents and purposes, a perfectly functional meeting place for Redmond?s crew to discuss work and to relax when off duty. Right now, most of the crew was hanging around on the couches, watching some Ferraxian Blood Sports. His Ferrax employees were mocking the rest of his workers, and appeared to have amassed a tidy sum off of failed bets.
Redmond looked over the sorry group lying about in front of him. His crew consisted of twelve humans, a couple of Ferrax, and two Crelm who worked the bar. Not one of them was fit to be a true soldier. They knew who to fire a gun or work a sonic caster, of course, but none of them had anything resembling military training. Considering that Redmond himself was an ex Astral-Jumper, this made the pathetic lot all the more irritating. He was trying to run a business, not an extortion racket! Hopefully, this new job would get his team recognized as something more than just a band of thugs.
?Alright, listen up!?
Nobody moved. Redmond kicked the vidbox over, eliciting a dozen protests.
?Perhaps you didn?t hear me with that on. Listen up. Better now? Good. Alright men, and women, sorry, I?ve just received word of a new job offer from a very wealthy client. The guy wouldn?t give me his name, but he apparently wants someone removed for some reason or other-? Redmond was interrupted by a crashing sound, as Barret stumbled in from the access hatch.
?Glad you could join us,? he said icily. ?Anyways, I don?t really give a shit what the man wants, the point is he is willing to pay a fortune to get this job done. How big? How does four billion marqs sound?? he noted the various nods of approval. ?Glad to see that?s got your attention. Now, I actually have a recording from the client here, so we?ll go over the details. Someone set up the vidbox.?
?You just kicked it over!? someone shouted. Redmond flushed red with anger. He stomped over and reset the vidbox so the picture image showed up again. The outlines of a man?s face appeared on the screen, but no visible features were shown, just a silhouette.
?Hello gentlemen,? the voice began, enunciating the words like one unfamiliar with the language, ?I have a proposition for your crew, one that I am sure you would find most... intriguing.?
A couple of the crew started muttering to each other, losing interest. These job offers were all the same, an opportunity of a lifetime, a big break with no strings attached. They never lived up to the promise. But Redmond had a good feeling about this job. Sensing he was losing the team?s interest, he rapped his knuckles against the video box?s table to get their attention.
The silhouette continued, ?Now, I am sure this may sound like any number of jobs your fine organization has undertaken, but I assure you, our records indicate that Redmond Talasar?s group Lilith?s Crusaders is the perfect organization to achieve our goals. To prove our trust to you, our.... business has already forwarded sixty percent of the profits for this venture to you with this message. Sixty Million Solanic Union Marcs will be paid to the Crusaders now, the remaining forty will be paid upon completion of the job.?
That got their attention. Redmond smiled to himself. The Crusaders might?ve been on hard times, but the promise of instant cash was always an incentive to actually work.
?Sixty million? They?re paying that much??
?What kind of job do we do that?d cost that much??
?Who is this guy anyways??
The silhouette appeared to smirk, or the closest approximation a face without features could get to the expression. ?Of course, we do encourage that you use this offer of goodwill to better equip and arm yourselves for the task. And, with the hope that this offer now has your attention, I will detail what it is we want from you.?
He continued, ?My business colleagues want you to... acquire an Astrid engineer. Naturally, we don?t have his name on file, given their reluctance to release such information to the greater community. However, our sources do indicate that the target goes by the local name of Felix Nordel. He is a top level Faster Than Light engineer, responsible for the recent influx of miniaturized FTL drives being made available to the public. We would like to speak with him, for our own purposes. You are not required to retrieve the information, simply provide the target to us once he has been captured.?
Silence covered the barroom. Redmond?s message had their total attention now.
?Our last group to take on this target ended up failing in their mission, so he is on alert. His last known location was somewhere in the Scalrey System of Devrost, making you the perfect people to find him for us. Once you have the target, meet us at the coordinates provided at the end of this message. Thank you gentlemen, we look forward to working with you on this business venture.?
The image cut out, and a list of numbers and letters took his place, indicating the drop off site. Redmond walked over to the table and flipped off the vidbox?s switch. The Crusaders immediately burst into talk amongst themselves once more.
?Sixty million! Did you hear him? We?ve got sixty million marcs and we haven?t even done the job yet!?
?Yeah I heard, seems kinda suspicious though. Why?d he give us the money up front before telling us the job??
?Who the fuck cares friend? We?re loaded!?
?Heh, guess you?re right. But what?s to stop us from taking the money and just leaving??
?Me,? Redmond cut in to the chatter. ?That money is there to ensure we do the job. If we wander out now, for all we know, this guy could send someone after us. It ensures we do the job, meaning that our employer is happy, and we get even more cash once it?s done.?
Redmond clasped his hands behind his back and addressed the Crusaders. ?So, now that we?re suddenly rich, what say we open up the floor to suggestions? I know you might be a sorry lot to work with, but if we are going to split this job evenly, I?m open to ideas. Anyone thoughts on where we might start??
?Broadsword.? Barret muttered. ?We can start by checkin? out the Broadsword. S?in Scalrey right now if I remember right. Used to work on tha? hulk for a while. I know it inside an? out. If our missin? man is hiding anywhere, that?s where he?ll be.?
Redmond smiled again. ?Right then, the Broadsword it is. Anyone ready to make a fortune??
The resounding cheer certainly implied that they were.
Chapter 1: The Job
As the entrance to the dimly lit office creaked open, a faint yellow light poured over the man sleeping in his chair behind a cluttered desk. The room was a mess, papers thrown about, garbage peeking out from the top of the waste receptacle in the wall. The only thing that could be considered relatively organized was the slumped figure now stirring in the light, and even that might be stretching the realms of reality a bit too far. The man was unshaven, wearing a stained shirt and torn pants, holding a bottle in either hand.
At least he?s consistent, thought the tall human now standing in the doorway. Not like the rest of the idiots I have to work with. The man strode towards the desk, swept the trash off with one hand, leaned over, and rapped the drunk on his forehead. The slouching fool tried to spit out a protest, but was quickly cut off.
?I don?t want to hear it Barret. Get up off your ass and meet me in the main hold. I mean it Barret! And before you ask, no, you cannot take the bottle with you, leave it on the desk, get suited up, and for the love of god, clean up that room you call an office!?
The man known as Barret lurched out of his seat, and started to shout back at the man walking briskly back down the hallway. ?For fuck?s sakes Redmond, I can?t even have a bloody nap on this goddamn hulk!? What d?you think you?re doin? anyways? You should be thankful I even joined your fuckin? crew!?
Redmond stopped in the middle of the hallway, and turned back towards the drunk. ?For your information, jackass, you?ve been asleep for twelve hours today alone. It was the same yesterday, and the bloody day before that. This is my crew, and my ship. If you don?t play by my rules, feel free to use the airlock. I won?t lose any sleep over it. Put your fucking suit on, and get your ass to the main hold! We?ve got a job coming up.? He turned back around, and stepped through the access hatch at the end of the hall.
For god?s sake, the very idea that that man is probably my best employee either says more about him than I give him credit for, or I have abysmal standards. Redmond shook his head in exasperation as he continued down the hallway before turning left into the main hold. The room was well lit unlike Barret?s den, and comparatively tidy. There was a bar at the far end of the hold, a bunch of game tables in the right hand corner, and a nice selection of couches occupying the space in the middle surrounding a large three dimensional video transceiver.
Sure, the air was filled with smoke and the instantly recognizable stench of Rush, but it was for all intents and purposes, a perfectly functional meeting place for Redmond?s crew to discuss work and to relax when off duty. Right now, most of the crew was hanging around on the couches, watching some Ferraxian Blood Sports. His Ferrax employees were mocking the rest of his workers, and appeared to have amassed a tidy sum off of failed bets.
Redmond looked over the sorry group lying about in front of him. His crew consisted of twelve humans, a couple of Ferrax, and two Crelm who worked the bar. Not one of them was fit to be a true soldier. They knew who to fire a gun or work a sonic caster, of course, but none of them had anything resembling military training. Considering that Redmond himself was an ex Astral-Jumper, this made the pathetic lot all the more irritating. He was trying to run a business, not an extortion racket! Hopefully, this new job would get his team recognized as something more than just a band of thugs.
?Alright, listen up!?
Nobody moved. Redmond kicked the vidbox over, eliciting a dozen protests.
?Perhaps you didn?t hear me with that on. Listen up. Better now? Good. Alright men, and women, sorry, I?ve just received word of a new job offer from a very wealthy client. The guy wouldn?t give me his name, but he apparently wants someone removed for some reason or other-? Redmond was interrupted by a crashing sound, as Barret stumbled in from the access hatch.
?Glad you could join us,? he said icily. ?Anyways, I don?t really give a shit what the man wants, the point is he is willing to pay a fortune to get this job done. How big? How does four billion marqs sound?? he noted the various nods of approval. ?Glad to see that?s got your attention. Now, I actually have a recording from the client here, so we?ll go over the details. Someone set up the vidbox.?
?You just kicked it over!? someone shouted. Redmond flushed red with anger. He stomped over and reset the vidbox so the picture image showed up again. The outlines of a man?s face appeared on the screen, but no visible features were shown, just a silhouette.
?Hello gentlemen,? the voice began, enunciating the words like one unfamiliar with the language, ?I have a proposition for your crew, one that I am sure you would find most... intriguing.?
A couple of the crew started muttering to each other, losing interest. These job offers were all the same, an opportunity of a lifetime, a big break with no strings attached. They never lived up to the promise. But Redmond had a good feeling about this job. Sensing he was losing the team?s interest, he rapped his knuckles against the video box?s table to get their attention.
The silhouette continued, ?Now, I am sure this may sound like any number of jobs your fine organization has undertaken, but I assure you, our records indicate that Redmond Talasar?s group Lilith?s Crusaders is the perfect organization to achieve our goals. To prove our trust to you, our.... business has already forwarded sixty percent of the profits for this venture to you with this message. Sixty Million Solanic Union Marcs will be paid to the Crusaders now, the remaining forty will be paid upon completion of the job.?
That got their attention. Redmond smiled to himself. The Crusaders might?ve been on hard times, but the promise of instant cash was always an incentive to actually work.
?Sixty million? They?re paying that much??
?What kind of job do we do that?d cost that much??
?Who is this guy anyways??
The silhouette appeared to smirk, or the closest approximation a face without features could get to the expression. ?Of course, we do encourage that you use this offer of goodwill to better equip and arm yourselves for the task. And, with the hope that this offer now has your attention, I will detail what it is we want from you.?
He continued, ?My business colleagues want you to... acquire an Astrid engineer. Naturally, we don?t have his name on file, given their reluctance to release such information to the greater community. However, our sources do indicate that the target goes by the local name of Felix Nordel. He is a top level Faster Than Light engineer, responsible for the recent influx of miniaturized FTL drives being made available to the public. We would like to speak with him, for our own purposes. You are not required to retrieve the information, simply provide the target to us once he has been captured.?
Silence covered the barroom. Redmond?s message had their total attention now.
?Our last group to take on this target ended up failing in their mission, so he is on alert. His last known location was somewhere in the Scalrey System of Devrost, making you the perfect people to find him for us. Once you have the target, meet us at the coordinates provided at the end of this message. Thank you gentlemen, we look forward to working with you on this business venture.?
The image cut out, and a list of numbers and letters took his place, indicating the drop off site. Redmond walked over to the table and flipped off the vidbox?s switch. The Crusaders immediately burst into talk amongst themselves once more.
?Sixty million! Did you hear him? We?ve got sixty million marcs and we haven?t even done the job yet!?
?Yeah I heard, seems kinda suspicious though. Why?d he give us the money up front before telling us the job??
?Who the fuck cares friend? We?re loaded!?
?Heh, guess you?re right. But what?s to stop us from taking the money and just leaving??
?Me,? Redmond cut in to the chatter. ?That money is there to ensure we do the job. If we wander out now, for all we know, this guy could send someone after us. It ensures we do the job, meaning that our employer is happy, and we get even more cash once it?s done.?
Redmond clasped his hands behind his back and addressed the Crusaders. ?So, now that we?re suddenly rich, what say we open up the floor to suggestions? I know you might be a sorry lot to work with, but if we are going to split this job evenly, I?m open to ideas. Anyone thoughts on where we might start??
?Broadsword.? Barret muttered. ?We can start by checkin? out the Broadsword. S?in Scalrey right now if I remember right. Used to work on tha? hulk for a while. I know it inside an? out. If our missin? man is hiding anywhere, that?s where he?ll be.?
Redmond smiled again. ?Right then, the Broadsword it is. Anyone ready to make a fortune??
The resounding cheer certainly implied that they were.
What do you guys think? Please leave your opinions or your criticisms in your responses. I appreciate the feedback.
