Culture/Social problem

[Vamantha]

Hello fellow Escapists. About three years ago I moved away from my abusive, drunken drug using parents to start a better life for myself. I found that staying in touch with my parents was too painful and severely lessened my contact with them along with most of my other family members for other reasons. Over the years I?ve had a culture/social problem with the local residents that I am unsure of how to deal with.

The problem seems to be my lack of family. For some reason people really don?t want anything to do with me after they learn I don?t keep in touch with mine. I?ve been told that I abandoned them in their time of need and other times I have been accused of lying to cover the act that my family disowned me for disrespecting them in some way. Sometimes these things are said to me from the parents of the people I?m trying to make friends with. What really baffles me is that this kind of treatment seems to come only from people of certain cultures. In my case the Asian and Indian cultures. I?m not sure how to handle this with grace. Explaining has been useless and only seems to nail in the ?fact? that I am a family ditcher. I?ve thought about not telling anyone about my family or even pretending they died. However that seems like it would be a huge secret to carry and I don?t want to start a potential friendship with a lie. Especially a lie that would be hard to keep under wraps with how often family is brought up in conversation. Am I doing something wrong in their culture? How do I politely reflect these rude comments from my early 20 year old peers and their parents?

 

[IndomitableSam]

What business is it of theirs? People of other cultures may or may not realise they're being rude - but you can simply tell them they are.

Next time anyone says anything, you can say: "My relationship with my family is complicated and I think you're being very rude and judgemental." And then leave it at that. Your friends can decide what to do from there.

If they're being really rude about it, why not turn around and ask them how their relationship with their families are? Ask them why they left them in another country to come here? If they say for a better life - say "that's why I left my family." And again explain that they are being very rude.

Or you could just say that you have no respect for your parents and family and the choices they made and are making your own choices in life. If they have a problem with that, fine, it's not their life.

If someone says they don't have issues with their family, they're liars. Hell, I visit my parents weekly and spend hours with them, but I really don't agree with a lot of things they've done and my extended family is incredibly fractured. I still see most of them. ... Other than those who have decided they're too good for their own flesh and blood because they got rich. ... ... See? Everyone has issues. If people can't recpect that, fuck them.

If your friends judge you based on what their parents think or say, they aren't worth your time. Really. If they decide they like you in spite of their family's misguided opinions (and they're only opinions), then they're worth it.

 

[Vamantha]

It is none of their business, I'm just very open when I'm asked questions. It did not dawn on me that they might be unaware that they are being rude. Your suggested statements are very good. Thank you.

Pfft, I love when people tell them they have no problems with their family. Usually their the ones with the stir craziness going on.

 

[Terminal Blue]

I think the thing which leaps out at me here is that if your parents are violent and/or have a problem with substance abuse your would-be friends shouldn't be telling their parents about it. That's quite a serious thing.

My family isn't as problematic as yours, but even I'd be mortified if I talked to someone about some of my family issues and they went and told their parents.

If there's genuinely no way to avoid it, I don't think you should feel remotely bad about lying. If you don't want to lie directly you could just say that you don't really want to talk about it (possibly a bit more tactfully than that, but you get the idea) but it's not something people have a right to know. It's not some important public information they need to be aware of. How little or how much people know about your life is entirely at your discretion, and if people can't understand that then I'd question whether they're worth your time.

You don't need to be confrontational, but I think you have a right to privacy and you can afford to assert it.

It's interesting because all the people I know who come from quite troubled families were once incredibly open about it, but in most cases I've noticed they've become much more careful about talking about it with other people after some bad experiences. I don't think it's just an Asian thing, some people are just judgemental bastards.

 

[Dragonclaw]

My wife has a similar situation. in 11 years I've never met ANY of my in-laws and her parents do not even know they are grandparents. Some people she talks to think it's odd and don't quite get it, but it is what it is. There was no changing her family and I've heard some awful horror stories from her and from our friends that went to school with her (we didn't ger together until much after high school so I wasn't part of her life back then. It's sad that some people wont understand, but I've seen too many people try to save their families from "the crazy" and get dragged into it themselves. Sometimes the only thing you can do for your own sanity is walk away.

 

[thebakedpotato]

Send the parents a ten dollar bill and a letter. (With a PO box as a return address if needed.)
There, you've no longer abandoned them, you write and send money from time to time.

 

[Rawne1980]

My wife has a similar situation. in 11 years I've never met ANY of my in-laws

Same boat as this guy.

My wife speaks to her parents probably once a year at Christmas if she works up to ringing them. They rarely contact her and have never visited.

As for my own family we really do only see them on weddings and funerals.

I used to speak to my parents every few months but rarely speak to my dad since my mum passed away.

I was really close to my sister until I joined the army and then the family kind of drifted apart.

It wasn't for any huge reasons other than we all went our own ways. We have families of our own now and just don't have the time to chat on a regular basis. Plus we all live miles from each other.

 

[Scarim Coral]

Didn't you mention to them that your parent had abuse you or are they thinking you're lying to them about it?

 

[Arakasi]

Indian and Asian cultures tend to be more collectivist as opposed to individuallist, this is probably why you're experiencing such clashes.

I don't know how that helps you, but I'd suggest just explaining your situation and telling them to take it or leave it.

 

[Strazdas]

Family ties are very strong in asian cultures. It is very likely they simply do not understand how can you take such choice as they were never told such situation is possible. If they cannot understand you and blame you for what you did, and you are unable to explain it, just tell them to go away, they clearly are not the people you want to be friends with.

 

[Angie7F]

I am from a Asian cultural background and i know that respect for elders, especially your family is the unwritten law.
Even if they are unhappy or have problems, you probably would not say it openly in public if you were from such a culture.
I also notice that this notion seems to be amplified when asian families relocate overseas and have no one else to depend on but themselves.

Cultural and religious differences are something you just have to shrug off.
It is like a fundamental Christian and a scientist fighting over evolution and the bible.
You just cant make someone suddenly change their perspective just to understand your point of view.

As many people have already said, it is none of their business, and you have no need to defend or justify your choices.
You do not need to have them understand you fully, and if they do not wish to look past those stuff, maybe you do not need to force it.

All cultures values have good point and bad points. No value system is better or worse, so you should just accept it as it is.

 

[Friendly Lich]

Humans in general feel the need to keep families together no matter how dysfunctional they may become. My advice would be to keep the details of your family hidden from now on. Or just say they live far away.

 

[Jedoro]

Like others have said, Eastern cultures are less individualistic than Western cultures. They probably don't mean to be rude, but what you're saying goes against everything they were raised to believe.

Don't talk about your family unless you have to. If people press the issue, give as little detail as you can get away with. If they judge you or insult you for what you believed was the right course of action, they're not worth your time.

 

[Vamantha]

I think the thing which leaps out at me here is that if your parents are violent and/or have a problem with substance abuse your would-be friends shouldn't be telling their parents about it. That's quite a serious thing.

My family isn't as problematic as yours, but even I'd be mortified if I talked to someone about some of my family issues and they went and told their parents.

If there's genuinely no way to avoid it, I don't think you should feel remotely bad about lying. If you don't want to lie directly you could just say that you don't really want to talk about it (possibly a bit more tactfully than that, but you get the idea) but it's not something people have a right to know. It's not some important public information they need to be aware of. How little or how much people know about your life is entirely at your discretion, and if people can't understand that then I'd question whether they're worth your time.

You don't need to be confrontational, but I think you have a right to privacy and you can afford to assert it.

It's interesting because all the people I know who come from quite troubled families were once incredibly open about it, but in most cases I've noticed they've become much more careful about talking about it with other people after some bad experiences. I don't think it's just an Asian thing, some people are just judgemental bastards.

I didn't really understand the need to run to their parents crying murder about it. Seemed rather pointless. At least they made it clear that they were not people I wanted in my life. It just got to a point where it kept happening and some of the people and their families had pushed the issue to harassment levels. Thank you for your advice. :3

 

[Vamantha]

My wife has a similar situation. in 11 years I've never met ANY of my in-laws and her parents do not even know they are grandparents. Some people she talks to think it's odd and don't quite get it, but it is what it is. There was no changing her family and I've heard some awful horror stories from her and from our friends that went to school with her (we didn't ger together until much after high school so I wasn't part of her life back then. It's sad that some people wont understand, but I've seen too many people try to save their families from "the crazy" and get dragged into it themselves. Sometimes the only thing you can do for your own sanity is walk away.

It's sad how common it happens. That was the case with my family and it was either leave or go up in the flames with them. Thank you for understanding.

 

[Vamantha]

Send the parents a ten dollar bill and a letter. (With a PO box as a return address if needed.)
There, you've no longer abandoned them, you write and send money from time to time.

Even if I wanted to I couldn't. They were arrested a couple months back for having ten marijuana plants in their front yard. XD

 

[Vamantha]

Didn't you mention to them that your parent had abuse you or are they thinking you're lying to them about it?

Most of them knew I had been abused and I guess they thought I was lying. They didn't bother talking to me again unless it was to insult me.

 

[Vamantha]

Indian and Asian cultures tend to be more collectivist as opposed to individuallist, this is probably why you're experiencing such clashes.

I don't know how that helps you, but I'd suggest just explaining your situation and telling them to take it or leave it.

I think that's the best thing I can do at this point. Oh, well. What can you do? :3

 

[Vamantha]

Family ties are very strong in asian cultures. It is very likely they simply do not understand how can you take such choice as they were never told such situation is possible. If they cannot understand you and blame you for what you did, and you are unable to explain it, just tell them to go away, they clearly are not the people you want to be friends with.

Thank you. It's sad that people get treated with such disdain over something they didn't do by others.

 

[Vamantha]

I am from a Asian cultural background and i know that respect for elders, especially your family is the unwritten law.
Even if they are unhappy or have problems, you probably would not say it openly in public if you were from such a culture.
I also notice that this notion seems to be amplified when asian families relocate overseas and have no one else to depend on but themselves.

Cultural and religious differences are something you just have to shrug off.
It is like a fundamental Christian and a scientist fighting over evolution and the bible.
You just cant make someone suddenly change their perspective just to understand your point of view.

As many people have already said, it is none of their business, and you have no need to defend or justify your choices.
You do not need to have them understand you fully, and if they do not wish to look past those stuff, maybe you do not need to force it.

All cultures values have good point and bad points. No value system is better or worse, so you should just accept it as it is.

Ahh, that would make sense. I was kind of wondering if that might be it. I wasn't 100% sure if that was true or not about the family closeness. I don't bother trying to change anyone. Only a person who wants to change can. Besides I'm usually busy with other things. I was just wondering if I was the one doing something wrong or if I was breaking some unwritten taboo. Thank you. You've been very informative. :3