"Dad Mythology" - or, what crazy stuff did your relatives tell you as a kid?

[Mersadeon]

Ok... so reading all of this, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR PARENTS. Seriously, I thought this would just be about all these silly things parents tell their children to have a little giggle, and about half the stories here are terrifying breaks of trust and archaic scare-tales. Man.


My grandfather did another one. He told us what nowerdays is known as an "anti-joke" and he always laughed heartily after telling it. For years we wondered what the punchline, the pointe was supposed to be - what was so funny to him about this sequence of words? Only much, much later did I realise that it wasn't really a joke or profound wisdom - and he laughed because we always looked so dumbfolded trying to figure it out.
I'll try translating it: A rhino and a Trockenhorn (ok, hard one - rhinos are called "Nashorn", Nosehorn in german. A "Trockenhorn" doesn't exist, but would literally translate to Dryhorn) walked through the desert. The rhino fell on the nose, and the dryhorn said "See, see, now we're in the desert!" (He pronounced "see" and "desert" in a way that made them rhyme).

That man had entirely too much fun messing with us kids. I love him and I hope I can be that kind of grandfather.

 

[Headsprouter]

My brother told me if I pulled the plug in the bath and didn't jump straight out I'd get sucked in (it's just so he could use the bathroom).

I remember being fearful of that when I was younger.

My parents used to tell me stories about a "god". Nowadays, I am euphoric in my intelligence assuring me otherwise.*tips fedora*

At my job, I was reminded of the infamous threats of "The nameless man who will shout if you won't stop doing what you're doing". Only this time, I was the man, and this made the threats even more empty. Still, I remember being genuinely worried about "the man", when I was younger. I guess it's effective, but I don't like being a tool to threaten kids with.

Spoiler: Oh, and never forget this little piece of dark magic:

D: How!?

 

[VanQ]

My father once, while drunk, said something extremely profound. I live by those words even to this day.

"If it's pretty, fuck it. There is no gay."

Damn, dad. How can I even argue with that logic?

 

[KarmaTheAlligator]

Spoiler: Oh, and never forget this little piece of dark magic:

D: How!?

Not from my parents, but a friend of mine back then got his thumb hurt due to clumsiness on my part when we were playing. The next day he shows me the usual "fold the thumb behind the palm to hide it at a certain angle" trick, and I nearly fainted when I thought he had to have it removed. Don't know if I ever really forgave him for the fright he gave me.

 

[Cid Silverwing]

My father once, while drunk, said something extremely profound. I live by those words even to this day.

"If it's pretty, fuck it. There is no gay."

Damn, dad. How can I even argue with that logic?

That is unusually profound for someone who was intoxicated at the time.

 

[CM156_v1legacy]

My maternal uncle was a bit of a screwball. When I was about... 5 or 6, I wanted to grow a beard. He told me the secret was putting mashed potatoes on my face. So I tried doing it. I requested mashed potatoes for dinner specifically so I could do it. My mother figured it out and wasn't too pleased.

My maternal grandmother once told me that she had eyes in the back of her head. Without any verification I believed her for a short period of time.

 

[ImperialSunlight]

My father referred to himself variously as a viking (none of our family are Scandanavian or similar, he's definitely ethnically Irish-English) and a god (presumably a Norse or Greek god, he liked them), among other things.

I am unsure whether I ever believed him. I am also unsure whether I disbelieve it now. He has never admitted to lying about these things, and he has... that feeling about him. You want to believe him in his audacity.

And, you know, santa, the easter bunny, and what have you.

 

[eatenbyagrue]

My dad once told me that he was attacked by cannibals during a fishing trip somewhere in the northern part of the country. Or headhunters. I forget which one sometimes.

 

[mokes310]

I can't remember how old I was, but as a younger child, I was a picky eater. One year, my mother prepared Cornish Game Hens, and I was not the least bit interested. So, to trick me into eating them, my father told me they were blue jays that he caught outside. I ate them with great zeal, and returned to school the following week, bragging about my newly acquired taste for blue jay. I lived like that for some years until I learned the truth. Oh the embarrassment...

 

[Isra]

I still remember one from when I was a midget, but it wasn't as cool or long lived as yours. My family had gathered for a party at my parent's place and my uncle was grilling these huge steaks in the back yard. I asked him what kind of steaks they were, and he told me he had dug up a dinosaur and they were T-Rex steaks. I believed every word and thought my uncle is a freaking badass, he eats T-Rex for dinner.

 

[Cartographer]

It is strange I never believed all the usual myths like the tooth fairy or Santa clause, but the stuff my mother came up with never gave me a second thought until much later.

I was on the same boat. I never believed in any of the traditional myths of santa or the easter bunny either, but my mum would 'take my nose' and I'd freak out.

My older stepbrother told me that I was flipping the bird wrong as the middle finger was pointing upwards towards the sky, and thus would anger god. He told me that the correct way was to instead point the finger horizontally towards the person I was intending to insult. Being extremely religious at the age of 8, I believed him. I did this for about a month before I realized...

He wasn't wrong though. The gesture originated as an insult implying the person it was aimed at was gay. The curled fingers represented balls and the rigid, pointing finger represented a penis. By pointing in such a manner you were saying the person liked to suck cock.

 

[Zack Alklazaris]

There were two brothers one of them was called John Bell. The Bell Brothers opened up a taco place, but they had disagreements so they split. Thus creating Taco Bell and Taco John.

The pulp in lemonade and orange juice is really the skin from the people who were grating the food.

Apparently, my Dad used to go out with Delilah the radio host from "Delilah After Dark" I would of called it bs, but that very night Delilah spoke about an x bf she had and she used my Dad's name.

Monarch Butterflies have the ability to burst into flames when attacked.

The noises in the walls of the house are just Fraggles.

Cops have a spray that chemically changes color when exposed to THC.

Gotta love Fathers...

 

[mistahzig1]

My sons believe that our city has a lot of open sewer problems.

In my defence, there's no dog in the car to blame my fart on ;oP

 

[newfoundsky]

On the subject of "things adults tell children", this is giving me some great ideas on what to tell my children when I have them. Which is good, considering all I've had to go on so far is "convince the child his life is a dream, convince the child he is adopted and when he turns 18 take him to meet his birth father who will just be a random very confused mate on the street, and always introduce the child with great fanfare no matter how small the occasion."

Seriously, my dad tried to convince me everything was a dream under my control, which I took literally when I was younger, resented when I was older, and now that I am in my 20's realize the pure genius of what he was trying to do.

 

[Someone Depressing]

If you don't eat your breast crusts, you'll get a kidney stone that weighs the same as your foot.

If you don't stop staring at that statue of a naked woman, her ghost will castrate you in your sleep.

Gay people are angels sent from heaven, who've been programmed to not reproduced, so if you call one a fag again you're going to hell and so are your family.

If you don't eat your boiled carrots they'll grow and grow until they destroy the house.

My chldhood was troubled.

 

[Korolev]

My father told me the following, but in good faith:

1) That daddy-long-legs spiders had the deadliest venom but were too small to bite people (which is totally false, but he genuinely thought it was true, and it's a popular myth)

2) If I used Q-tips, I would go deaf since Q-tips "destroy" the "hairs" that allow people to hear sound (false as well, it's the vibration of the tympanic membrane that allows people to hear, and while using a Q-tip in a REALLY stupid way COULD cause someone to become deaf, Q-tips themselves do not cause deafness).

3) That to go swimming less than 30 minutes after a meal would cause violent cramps

Other than that, my father was pretty accurate most of the time. A lot of the "myths" he believed were common myths that everyone believed, and he never intentionally tried to deceive me. I was never in contact much with my relatives (one grandparent being dead, the other three living in another country, two of which didn't speak English at all) and so I never got told much weird stuff.

 

[viscomica]

My grandma told me when I was about five years old that if I ever poked my belly button then something terribly horrible would happen. Also, she told me she was a witch and that I should be scared. She had many stories back when I was growing up. My dad would also joke around. I think it may have been because I was really gullible :/

 

[Flutterguy]

My father convinced me and my sister movies have actual deaths in them. They pay the actor a ludicrous amount a year in advance so they could blow it all and then die in the movie.

Don't know how that was supposed to make me a better kid... He really just liked fucking with us.

 

[maveric112]

Whenever I was younger I went through a fad of being really interested in the Paranormal. My mum is highly superstitious and forbade me from watching any sort of shows that involved ghosts, because if you watched them the ghosts would come through the TV and haunt the house. I don't know if this actually counts since this is something my mum genuinely believes.

 

[frobalt]

Whenever I was younger I went through a fad of being really interested in the Paranormal. My mum is highly superstitious and forbade me from watching any sort of shows that involved ghosts, because if you watched them the ghosts would come through the TV and haunt the house. I don't know if this actually counts since this is something my mum genuinely believes.

The image of an angel ghost becomes an angel ghost.

First thing I thought of with that one.

I can't remember stuff I was told during my childhood other than standard stuff.

I do remember waking up to my mum trying to sneak in my room one night to replace a tooth I'd lost with money.