Dating Advice

[ringwraiths48]

I've known this guy Jim for like 4 years, and we're pretty good friends. Recently, i've begun to think he's gay, which is good, because i've been crushing on him for a while. the problem is, while he knows i'm Bi, i'm not sure if he's into men, women, or both. He's never really been open about that sort of thing. I kinda want to ask him out, but i don't want things to get awkward for us if he's straight, especially since we have a lot of the same friends, it could get really embarrassing. So what should i do>

 

[SadisticPretzel]

Really the only thing you can do is ask. You can find some way to do so indirectly if you're worried about bombing the friendship.

 

[BonsaiK]

If he knows you're bi, then you should ask him out. If he says yes, all good. If he says no, then the reason, whether it's that he isn't into guys or just isn't into you, doesn't really matter.

 

[LawlessSquirrel]

Having been the subject of gay crushes myself, I'd say that if he's open-minded then he probably won't be too put off by the info. He might turn you down, but if you don't push I'd expect it wouldn't turn into an issue. Hell, he might be a little flattered, even if he doesn't reciprocate.

I'd avoid being confrontational about it though. I'm not exactly sure HOW you'd approach the subject, but it's best if it's not made out as a big deal. Once he has the info, the ball's in his court.

 

[burningdragoon]

I've been sorta-asked out by a gay friend before. Was a little awkward I guess, but that's it. He even asked me not too mention it to anyone, so I didn't. (this doesn't count, shut up) If he's a good friend, I think you could (hopefully) expect the same kind of respect.

 

[Zaik]

If i had a gay friend who had feelings for me, i'd want him to get it out as soon as possible so the issue could be resolved properly before any tension or confusion builds, or any misunderstandings create any false expectations.

If he's actually your friend, whether he's gay or not, or interested or not, he's not going to go retarded if you mistakenly come on to him. If he's not a real friend, then he might and if he does it's not any significant loss anyway.

Pretty simple when you look at it that way.

 

[Fawcks]

I've had gay friends come onto me before. Protip: Just... Don't put your hands in my clothes. Anywhere. >_>

Just be frank, quiet, and respectful about it. One thing you don't want to do is be too insistent. Be ready for a disappointment, just in case. Appearing clingy or upset about it is BAD.

If I could maintain a good 6-10 friends after admitting to being a furry and being open about that, you should be fine.

 

[370999]

best thing I can think of is be clear when asking him out. You don't want him to think you are justing hanging out when really you want to play some tonsil hockey.

 

[Sneeze]

Ask him if he is gay/bi, but be sorta subtle about it. If he says yes, let on you like him/ask him out, if he says no, no big loss, he doesn't need to know you like him, awkwardness averted. Just need to find a creative way to ask him if he is gay, 'less you wanna be blunt about it. If it all goes tits up make it clear he's your friend before he's your crush and you don't wanna ruin that and you won't let it get in the way, etc.

 

[lemiel14n3]

speaking as a member of the rougher sex, one thing that we appreciate is straight forward talk. Men as a gender, and American men especially tend to appreciate having all the cards laid out on the table.

So ask him. find out where he stands, and then go from there.

 

[Pumpkinmancer]

If he's gay and interested he may very well come to you. I would not recommend blurting that you think he's attractive or have a crush. I made that mistake and lost my best friend, he was less mature then I thought and could not handle it. Years and years later he is now a much more mature person, but we'll never be the friends that we were, we'll probably never be anything other than remote acquaintance that sometimes share a joke on facebook.

I would recommend being honest, but tactful. You might just ask him, 'Dude, seriously, are you gay or bi? I'm just wondering because I'm getting impression that you might be and if you need someone to be there for you, you know I am and you don't have to go through something like that alone.'

If he says he is, than give him support and time to grow into that awareness before you mention how you feel, and by time I mean weeks or months or however log it takes for him to not be freaked out by it. If he says he's not than take him at his word and move on.

 

[Zaverexus]

I have been asked out by a guy ones before (and probably should have said yes) but it was a simple no exchange and it was over . however he may start to feel uncomfortable with you around so be ready for that. I?d say try and find out what he is into before doing anything

But that's not just a gay/bi thing, I think most anyone would be uncomfortable after that.

 

[Zaverexus]

If he's gay and interested he may very well come to you. I would not recommend blurting that you think he's attractive or have a crush. I made that mistake and lost my best friend, he was less mature then I thought and could not handle it.

But if someone can't accept something like that are they really the kind of person you want as a best friend?

 

[Pumpkinmancer]

If he's gay and interested he may very well come to you. I would not recommend blurting that you think he's attractive or have a crush. I made that mistake and lost my best friend, he was less mature then I thought and could not handle it.

But if someone can't accept something like that are they really the kind of person you want as a best friend?

People are who they are, and we need to understand them if we expect them to understand us. You say "But if someone can't accept something like that", as if 'that' is so simple and easy. It is to me, it is to those of us that deal with it on a daily basis, but to many people it would be like someone saying they have a loving romantic relationship with their dog who they wish to marry. I don't want to compare being gay to being a Zoophile, but I do think there is an alienness behind of the concept of loving and marrying a dog to most people, that is comparable to the alienness of gay people to many others.

In my case he was 14 or 15, fairly sheltered, and lacking in many life experiences people take for granted. He'd never eaten a burrito, just started to try rice, and left the city we were living in about twice in his life. I thought it was his fault, I blamed him, but over the many years since then I've realized it was my fault for not being more sensitive.

The point of my advise is that you cant just expect people to immediately accept you or they are not worth your time. That's just as insensitive a view point as people who would never be friends with a gay person. There needs to be a middle ground. There needs to be just as much sensitivity and understanding from us as we hope to receive from others.

 

[ChildofGallifrey]

If he's a good friend, then even if he isn't attracted to men, or you in particular, it shouldn't affect your friendship much. I've had male friends tell me they had a crush on me, politely declined because I'm straight, and the same night they were crashing on my couch (or on one instance, my bed). Hopefully it doesn't turn awkward.

But, truthfully, as others have said before, I would wait until you have a particularly strong feeling, or he tells you that he's gay/bi before making a move. Treat it the same as approaching a heterosexual relationship. The majority of guys won't approach a girl and ask her out if you didn't feel confident that she'd say yes, right? Same thing here.

 

[rutger5000]

Oowh wow that's a though one.
Ikay I'm just talking from my reference frame here. (I've got a bunch of gay friends)
If straight guys are friends with Bi or gay guys then that means they are not intimidated by homosexuality, nor are they offended about it. So if you just go to him and say something like:
"Hey sorry if I'm wrong, but lately I've been having the impression you might be into man, and I'm kinda into you. So how would you feel about a date?"
If he's really straight and a good friend of you, he might laugh at you for a bit. But then say. "Nah sorry man, I'm straight."
If he however is insecure about his sexuality then you might have a problem. He might give a very extreme reaction if he is really insecure. That might suck a little, but if he's that insecure then he needs to be asked that question. So he can deal with it.
If he is gay and also into you, then good for you.
Make sure though that he understands that you ask because your interested into him. If a person would randomly ask me if I was gay or not, I would be somewhat offended. And worry a little about the image I'm sending out. It would be better if I understood from which angle the person was coming from.
I must admit though I never really understood how you guys go to the whole flirting / getting a date stage. So I might not be the person to ask. Don't you have plenty of friends that dealt with a similar problem? It sounds quiet common to me.

 

[rutger5000]

If he's a good friend, then even if he isn't attracted to men, or you in particular, it shouldn't affect your friendship much. I've had male friends tell me they had a crush on me, politely declined because I'm straight, and the same night they were crashing on my couch (or on one instance, my bed). Hopefully it doesn't turn awkward.

But, truthfully, as others have said before, I would wait until you have a particularly strong feeling, or he tells you that he's gay/bi before making a move. Treat it the same as approaching a heterosexual relationship. The majority of guys won't approach a girl and ask her out if you didn't feel confident that she'd say yes, right? Same thing here.

Sadly HailtotheKing is right. The majority of guys won't approach a girl and ask her out if they don't feel confident that she'd say yes.
Hopefully you realize that that is the wrong approach, and you should just take the shot and run the risk.