Dating and paying for dinner, okay to go halfsies?

[Eclipse Dragon]

I have ran into a situation that I didn't believe I'd ever encounter. I am female, when I go out on a date (with a man), I always insist on going halfsies[footnote]splitting the bill, we pay for our own food[/footnote] This is especially useful in my current relationship because we go out to eat a lot and if he insisted on paying all the time, well... I don't imagine we'd keep going out to eat. For the most part, I believe he's okay with it, but sometimes I think it bothers him.

I didn't make this thread to ask for advice, but it did get me wondering...

If you are dating, would you be okay going halfsies with your SO or would it bother you? Is it circumstantial (such as the first date or small purchases like coffee)?

 

[Hoplon]

Would rather take turns (because half and half is complicated and i like simple) but yeah it's not something that bothers me at all.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Depends on the people involved and the social dynamic they've developed.

For some people, paying for a meal or an outing makes them feel good. Either more like a "traditional man", or just because they enjoy doing something nice for someone they fancy. Some might view it as buying goodwill in the relationship. It might give them more confidence, or help establish that yes...indeed...this is a romantic outing and that both parties are aware of it. The well detailed sinister side is when paying for a meal leads to an expectation of intercourse as a return on investment, but that's the kind of attitude that's best exposed early if you're planning on having a relationship with someone.

If someone is cash strapped or aggressively critical of social/gender roles, they might prefer a split bill. It CAN send the message that the party in question isn't entirely sure about the relationship and wants to keep the ledger clear of any sense of obligation, which can give the impression of "one foot out the door" to an insecure person.

I've been with my girlfriend for over ten years, so if she suddenly started paying her way for dinner/outings I'd laugh and ask her where she got the money from, but in a hypothetical world where I was dating someone I just met, and she insisted on "halfsies", I'd probably view it as her being unsure about me, and suspect that the evening was something of a "test date" on her behalf.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Might want to give more details about who you are and where you live, might be a regional thing.

But, eh, shouldn't be a big deal.

 

[Secondhand Revenant]

Whatever happens to work for us is fine with me. Which is probably we each pay for ourselves.

 

[Dizchu]

Splitting the bill or paying them back (either by withdrawing money after leaving or paying for the next meal) seems to be the best option. Depending on economic disparity between the two parties, I don't think it should always be mandatory. I used to pay for my girlfriend because she doesn't have much income (she goes to college) and I have more disposable money. It never felt unfair to me, really.

When the disparity in payment is caused by sexism, that's where I have a problem. If a woman expects to be spoiled just because of her reproductive organs... that's pretty shitty. So is a man insisting to pay for everything because he believes his organs make him "more responsible".

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

Might want to give more details about who you are and where you live, might be a regional thing.

I'm interested in the opinions from a variety of regions and scenarios, which is why I didn't give toooo much information about my particular situation. Basically I'm looking for conversation.

I do live in Florida, which is a southern state (US), but Florida isn't really "southern" in terms of the people who live here (or the strict values associated with "southern gentlemen"), and he's from New York.

I don't really think I could date a guy who insisted always on paying, holding the door for me, ext ext. Every once and a while is nice and polite, but ALL the time would make me feel like a child.

 

[Queen Michael]

On my first date, I insisted on paying. On our other dates, we took turns paying for the entire shebang.

 

[Zhukov]

My approach has always been that whoever asks pays the bill. After all, one says, "Would you like to have dinner with me", not, "Would you like to buy me dinner?"

If the askee offers to split the bill then good on 'em. Fine with me.

In an established relationship I just take turns. Although I imagine some couples do it differently depending on finances and such.

 

[Phasmal]

My approach has always been that whoever asks pays the bill. After all, one says, "Would you like to have dinner with me", not, "Would you like to buy me dinner?"

If the askee offers to split the bill then good on 'em. Fine with me.

In an established relationship I just take turns. Although I imagine some couples do it differently depending on finances and such.

Yes, the person who asks pays, unless established otherwise beforehand.
I never liked being paid for on dates, I don't know why, it always felt like they were trying to buy me, so I'd always make sure I put as much money in as they did.

-

But, other coupled people, help me out here, are me and my boyfriend weird? We've been together for six years, and for a long time now we've always just had `our` money. We don't really split it between `his money` and `my money`- it's just `our money`, even though we have separate banks. So, it's not really an issue when we go out.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

I like the rule of "You ask someone out, you offer to pay" with emphasis on the offer. If someone wants to split the bill after you offer, then that's fine. I'm not insecure enough that I feel like my masculinity is at stake if a woman shares the bill or wants to pay for me.

If someone is cash strapped or aggressively critical of social/gender roles, they might prefer a split bill. It CAN send the message that the party in question isn't entirely sure about the relationship and wants to keep the ledger clear of any sense of obligation, which can give the impression of "one foot out the door" to an insecure person.

I've known several people who do it for just this reason. They've dated guys who will pay for the meal, and then get jilted when she doesn't want to go back to his place afterwards, lamenting on the money he wasted. Not an awful policy to have with someone you've just started dating.

 

[Kotaro]

My girlfriend and I would split the bill, but most of the time only one of us is actually carrying cash on us, so generally whichever one of us has money at the time will pay.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

My approach has always been that whoever asks pays the bill. After all, one says, "Would you like to have dinner with me", not, "Would you like to buy me dinner?"

Would you like to buy me dinner?

Because I'm pretty hungry and I'm really looking to keep expenses down.

 

[ObsidianJones_v1legacy]

I actually hate going out to dinner because of this very thing.

I want to have a good time if I ask someone out. Let's get something to eat, let's talk, let's just spend some time together. The jocking of power, the perceived notions due to your outdated ideas of gender... it's making a good time into a battle between ideals that you're rallying against while I was just trying to hang out.

I'd like something casual. She pays, I pay, whatever. I don't want this firm set of rules so no one feels infringed upon or whatever. If a party insist on a payment ideal (a woman I'm interested in, or even a friend), I'm somewhat turned off. It says to me that from now on, every experience we have eating out is that person declaring something politically. I do not have the time or the patience to be apart of your social movement. Nor am I the patriarchy you are fighting against, the chance to show off your wealth, or the ability to show off how kind of a person you are.

 

[Lieju]

Well, I'm a Finnish lesbian, and on most dates where we have gone out both have paid for themselves, apart from few times where it was a case of 'I got an extra ticket' or 'I'm paying for this as a birthday present/to celebrate you graduating'.

So really exactly the same way all non-romantic 'dates' I've been to have been.
If I go out with my friends we do generally all pay for ourselves.

I asked a woman out for a lunch once, and she tried to insist paying, which was weird, especially since I was the one to ask her out... That's the only time where everyone involved didn't just expect us both paying for our own food and ticket.

 

[DefunctTheory]

I haven't dated in a while, but I always liked paying. I'm generally pretty generous when it comes to friends and cash though - Its not uncommon for me to pay for stuff for friends when we're out as well, especially if I know they have some financial issues.

So, my default position is to pay solo, but it wouldn't bother me to go halfsies. I do have a habit of getting sneaky with the bill though (Paying while people are in the bathroom, even if we haven't gotten our main meal yet, and such). I wouldn't mind people getting sneaky on me too.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

My approach has always been that whoever asks pays the bill. After all, one says, "Would you like to have dinner with me", not, "Would you like to buy me dinner?"

Yes, the person who asks pays, unless established otherwise beforehand.

What if the person you're going out with is shy or a home body?
If one person is doing all the asking (in this case the more outgoing type), then it's still one person who's doing all the paying. I understand this idea for things that are casual, like going out with friends or a date here or there, but what about an established couple where such activities happen frequently?

But, other coupled people, help me out here, are me and my boyfriend weird? We've been together for six years, and for a long time now we've always just had `our` money. We don't really split it between `his money` and `my money`- it's just `our money`, even though we have separate banks. So, it's not really an issue when we go out.

I think that's a nice way to look at it. If you've been together for that long it all does basically go to the same things, even if the bank accounts are separate.

I actually hate going out to dinner because of this very thing.

I want to have a good time if I ask someone out. Let's get something to eat, let's talk, let's just spend some time together. The jocking of power, the perceived notions due to your outdated ideas of gender... it's making a good time into a battle between ideals that you're rallying against while I was just trying to hang out.

I'd like something casual. She pays, I pay, whatever.

Have you tried conveying this information to her beforehand?

 

[Michel Henzel]

Since it's pretty much the norm in the Netherlands it's pretty much a non issue. So the term "Going Dutch" is a stereotype that is pretty much spot on. XD

Though I have paid, and have been paid for a date on occasions. But those are exceptions

 

[FoolKiller]

When you're in a relationship, you should be sharing things like the bill.

When you are starting to date, the asker should be footing the bill.

 

[Zhukov]

My approach has always been that whoever asks pays the bill. After all, one says, "Would you like to have dinner with me", not, "Would you like to buy me dinner?"

Yes, the person who asks pays, unless established otherwise beforehand.

What if the person you're going out with is shy or a home body?
If one person is doing all the asking (in this case the more outgoing type), then it's still one person who's doing all the paying. I understand this idea for things that are casual, like going out with friends or a date here or there, but what about an established couple where such activities happen frequently?

Then it's going to cost you a bit more at first.

Once you're an established couple and the ice is well and truly broken you can sit down and make whatever arrangements you want. Split the bill, take turns, the rich one pays, flip a bloody coin, whatever. As I said, my preferred method is to take turns choosing the place and paying the bill.