Dating and paying for dinner, okay to go halfsies?

[Mahorfeus]

We usually take turns paying. Usually whoever doesn't foot the bill leaves the tip, if applicable. Splitting the bill has always felt odd to me. I guess I have this odd notion that if we're paying separately, it's like we're not really there together. If that sounds stupid then it probably is. Sometimes we forget whose turn it is, say fuck it, and just flip a coin and start the rotation from there.

Deciding where to eat, now THAT'S a fucking trip right there.

 

[ObsidianJones_v1legacy]

I actually hate going out to dinner because of this very thing.

I want to have a good time if I ask someone out. Let's get something to eat, let's talk, let's just spend some time together. The jocking of power, the perceived notions due to your outdated ideas of gender... it's making a good time into a battle between ideals that you're rallying against while I was just trying to hang out.

I'd like something casual. She pays, I pay, whatever.

Have you tried conveying this information to her beforehand?

I know I'm going to get a ton of 'Well I don't do that so it must not be done' responses when I say this, but all I can talk about why I formed my ideas about dating due to my very own experiences.

In trying to date women from New York (and Montreal, lived there for two years), even talking about some things ahead of time can be a second date killer. The idea of being 'too controlling' is a real thing, so I and a couple of my friends have developed an apprehension to what we can discuss at the first few dates.

Chalk it up to the art of conversation being lost and the dawning of the new age of triggers, but I have legitimately lost some dates because I still like opening the door and pulling chairs out. When I've explained it is how I was raised and I still find it to be good manners and being polite, I've been countered with 'your good manners is prolonging stereotypes that women can't do things for themselves'. Let's ignore if I held the door open for men as well as women on the same date. This was not an one off occurrence. This type of thing happened several times in my life. And it's led to my own trigger about men and women jockeying for Gender Battles; I just don't want to be apart of it.

I wouldn't be on a date with a girl if I didn't respect her. I wouldn't be trying to get to know her if I wasn't trying to understand what she's about. But when she doesn't listen to me long enough to hear my manners is not about keeping people in their place and she's convinced I'm a misogynist no matter what I say, I'm being led to believe I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't with some women. I opt not to be apart of battles I have no say in.

Cue "Well, you're not dating/talking to the right women' flood of responses now.

 

[kaizen2468]

I'll pay and won't mind doing so but I expect them to at least offer or make a point of thanking me for it. Shouldn't be expected of anyone to pay just as much as it should to put out.

 

[Leon Royce]

If it looks like a relationship/ sex are possible, then you pay.

If it's obvious she made up her mind hours ago that she would never sleep with you in a thousand years, then split it 50/50 so there aren't any obligations felt.

 

[Cold Shiny]

Had I ever been on a date in my entire lonely life, I would be obliged to pay. Its a courtesy and a small sacrifice for the other person, and if you do it smoothly enough, you won't look desperate.


But what do I know?

 

[Jadak]

I tend to pay, and am more comfortable being the one paying even if I don't particularly want to.

Besides that, it sort of depends on circumstance. I'm not rich, but I have an income and no student while my girlfriend has a smaller income and a fair bit of debt, effectively meaning she has negative money to her name.

So really, if one person doesn't have money, the other person should be paying. If both have money, then halfsies is fine. Better yet, split the ratio based on your income ratios. So if one person makes 2x has much, they pay 2/3, etc..

 

[Jaggededge11]

I have ran into a situation that I didn't believe I'd ever encounter. I am female, when I go out on a date (with a man), I always insist on going halfsies[footnote]splitting the bill, we pay for our own food[/footnote] This is especially useful in my current relationship because we go out to eat a lot and if he insisted on paying all the time, well... I don't imagine we'd keep going out to eat. For the most part, I believe he's okay with it, but sometimes I think it bothers him.

I didn't make this thread to ask for advice, but it did get me wondering...

If you are dating, would you be okay going halfsies with your SO or would it bother you? Is it circumstantial (such as the first date or small purchases like coffee)?

If people are dating, having one person handle the expenses is usually the norm. Once two people form a relationship, sharing the expenses (Either 50/50 or "I'll get the next one") is more common as relationships are built on sharing (Whether it be emotions, expenses, hardships, etc.). Though you can always treat them to a free meal now and again.

 

[thewatergamer]

It depends I guess...just whatever works for you, personally I'd prefer a pay your own way system, but as long as both people are fine with it then I see no problem

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Whatever works out for you. I think there's a balance to be found between doting and sharing, especially if you're well into a relationship.

 

[EeveeElectro]

When I go for dates I usually just pay for what I ordered because I'm a stingey git. If they get steak and 8 drinks and I get a sandwich and two drinks (me only drinking two drinks tho... LOL) I sure as hell aren't paying half.
Or sometimes they've paid for foods and I've bought drinks so it usually evens it out.

I do hate people paying for me though.

 

[Pyrian]

Let me tell y'all a story...

My first girlfriend, and indeed my first date. I paid for everything for a few dates. Then, she got mad at me. After some cajoling to find out why, she complained that it was like I was trying to buy her or something, and insisted we go "dutch" and split everything. So, for a few months we split everything. Then, she got mad at me again. Again, it took some cajoling to find out why (a regular feature of that relationship). Apparently her mom had caught wind that we were splitting the check and read her the riot act about it, and convinced her that at this point in our relationship I should be paying for everything, and BTW the fact that I didn't know any of this was also somehow my fault.

I don't care about the cash, just let me know what's expected of me and when.

 

[Bat Vader]

Spending less and saving more is always a good thing. If I ever had an SO and went on dates with them I would always suggest halfsies.

 

[Kaymish]

i haven't really thought about it that much i tend to date people from my socioeconomic group which means money is never an issue and we don't have the kind of places that demand influence to get a table in my city and the men i go out with like to be traditional and pay the whole bill. i think they would freak if i suggested paying half, one of the guys was so conservative he would get me gifts of jewellery and nice shoes even though i had already bought enough shoes to go with my outfits and i don't really wear jewellery after the third one i put my foot down and said no turns out he was even more socially inept and shy than me
however we live in a world where the sexes are suppose to be equal so i think it should be ok to split the bill also it will probably give more control of what we do on a date rather than following their plan
however i think traditionalists will have a hard time accepting that and i think many men will find it difficult to broach the subject

 

[Godhead]

I skip the dinner altogether and buy them some sunflower seeds instead.

 

[Pyrian]

Is... Is that a Hatoful Boyfriend thing?

 

[FPLOON]

I've never dated anyone before... but, for now, I'm going to assume that any moment I've spent with friends while going to a eating-based establishment where a bill that had everything we ordered was handed to us to deal with as "dates" in this particular scenario...

*ahem* For the most part, we pay for what we personally ordered on that particular day... Sometimes, we split it down the middle if, for example, someone forgot to bring change because they fucking hate change with a passion... Other than that, unless it was established ahead of time how the food in question was going to get paid in the first place, then we each pay for the food that we ordered...

 

[Something Amyss]

holding the door for me

Does he have long arms? Because I hold doors for people because I have long arms and it's less cumbersome to be able to stay out of reach.

>.>

More on topic, I more or less go by the notion that whoever makes the offer has offered to pay. However, I come from a group of friends who's never particularly been stingy, and I don't "date" much. I tend to land in relationships. Rules change then, in my experience. Still, the only time I'm bothered by who pays is when someone (*me or them) can't afford it.

As with anything else that is involved in a relationship, if it's on your mind, it's better to discuss it, though. I know you're not asking advice, I'm just saying.

Keep in mind, however, I am a mutant.

 

[Glongpre]

I just assume I would pay unless she says something, I don't mind. But this makes me think, maybe I should ask, "Do you mind if I get the bill?", because I know some people do not like being paid for.

It doesn't bother me either way. So to answer your question, yes it is perfectly fine to go halfsies.

 

[Nurb]

Half should be expected at first, then however the couple wants to do it after that. Too much lingering expectation of traditional gender roles.

"Whoever asks pays" is a bit of an excuse for "I don't want to pay" and favors the woman because men are still expected to approach and ask for most of the dates.

I'm bi, have dated both men and women, and didn't treat one sex any different than the other.

 

[Burgers2013]

Let me tell y'all a story...

My first girlfriend, and indeed my first date. I paid for everything for a few dates. Then, she got mad at me. After some cajoling to find out why, she complained that it was like I was trying to buy her or something, and insisted we go "dutch" and split everything. So, for a few months we split everything. Then, she got mad at me again. Again, it took some cajoling to find out why (a regular feature of that relationship). Apparently her mom had caught wind that we were splitting the check and read her the riot act about it, and convinced her that at this point in our relationship I should be paying for everything, and BTW the fact that I didn't know any of this was also somehow my fault.

I don't care about the cash, just let me know what's expected of me and when.

Yikes. That's really unfair. I'm really socially oblivious. In that kind of relationship, I probably wouldn't notice that the SO was pissed...

OT: Split the bill. There were some times when the guy got the bill when I literally could not put the money up for my meal (I was very poor right after highschool). Barring one party being too poor to pay for whatever meal, definitely split the bill. Women work now. We have money. It's not fair to expect men to pick up the bill all the time now that we're on relatively equal financial footing. It also makes me feel dirty/cheap/guilty to have someone buy my meal, especially if I'm romantically interested in them. It sort of ruins the experience for me; it feels less like genuinely enjoying each other's company and more like a transaction (even if the expectation of sex isn't implied). Then again, I also don't like doors*/chairs being held open for me.

*Not including the common courtesy "I'm walking into this building ahead of another human; I shall hold the door." I'm talking about the walking/leaning ahead of me was we walk/talk together so you can get there first, and the car door opening/closing.

After I'd been in a relationship for a while, our finances sort of slowly merged, so this sort of thing isn't an issue anymore.