Dealing With Death

[Kinguendo]

Hmm, people shouldnt expect to know what to say to someone who has recently lost someone if they dont know how it feels themselves. And contrary to what people have said "Time heals all wounds" does not apply to death because it doesnt, its not a cut or a scrape... something is literally missing from your life now and you cant get it back, you just learn to go on without it but you dont feel the same ever again.

But yeah, people take death differently. I never used to cry but when my father died I started crying randomely for seemingly no reason at all, I would be playing a game and I would just start crying or on the bus... obviously its more embarrassing in public but anyway.

I found most people didnt know what to say and rather than say anything just sort of avoided me for a while, death makes people uncomfortable but try to avoid it. The last thing your friend needs is to feel like no one is there for him, just because you are feeling a bit off doesnt mean you can skip out on your responsibilities as a friend. Now isnt about your feelings, its about the feelings of those closest to the departed.

 

[superbatranger]

I think the death of someone close to you will stay with you for a long time. You'll move on after a while, but the fact that they're gone forever will always stay in your mind. I've lost people, mainly family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. Some of them I never had the chance to meet. At times, I wonder what they were like when they were alive.

One of my uncles died almost 30 years ago because of leukemia. A few years ago, I was talking to my mom, and I just smiled at something one of us said. Suddenly, my mom burst into tears and started crying like crazy. I had no idea what was going on, but then she told me the way I smiled reminded her of her brother. So, it's not something that goes away from your memory easily. You don't constantly think about it, but it's still there.

 

[VivaciousDeimos]

I don't really know how to deal with this stuff. People talk and cry and all that and I don't. I don't think I'm desensitized, although I guess it's possibility, but what am I supposed to do or say to my friend? I know there is always the "I'm sorry for your loss," but I feel like it would be better to let them be, or be more personal because he is my friend.

How do you deal with it?

My father passed away less than a month ago, so my perspective is pretty fresh:

When it's someone very close to you who died there's usually not anything anyone can say that makes the hurt go away. It never goes away. And things like, "time heals all wounds" (BULLSHIT!) or, "I'm sorry for your loss" are just meaningless lip service and white noise--or at least it was for me. Obviously you should be there for your friend, remind them that you're there for whatever they need--that's what my best friend did for me, and having that reinforcement that people cared was appreciated. Another friend who lives out of state called me about a week after to see how I was doing and he basically told me that he couldn't begin to understand what I was going through, but still cared and that he was there. Things like that made me feel better, whereas the endless drones of strangers and acquaintances asking in sympathetic tones, "how are you doing?" was very frustrating. To the point where sometimes I wanted to shout back, "my dad just died, how the fuck to you think I am?"

I hope I'm being somewhat coherent and not just rambling. When you're in mourning it's a difficult process, and sometimes all you want is to be with other people keeping busy, and other times you just want to be left alone. But even if you want to be alone, knowing that you don't have to be if you choose not to, that there are people there for you is important.

 

[Jedoro]

What begins, ends. I get the hell over it and move my ass forward, since at that point I can't really do anything to change the situation of the deceased.

 

[Agayek]

I don't really know how to deal with this stuff. People talk and cry and all that and I don't. I don't think I'm desensitized, although I guess it's possibility, but what am I supposed to do or say to my friend? I know there is always the "I'm sorry for your loss," but I feel like it would be better to let them be, or be more personal because he is my friend.

How do you deal with it?

People deal with it in different ways. Just because you don't externalize what you're going through doesn't mean you're desensitized.

As for your friends, there's really nothing you can say. I've been through it myself, and nothing anyone can say makes it any better. The best thing you can do is just let your friend know you're there. Be there to listen whenever he's ready to talk about it.

As for how I deal with it, it's fairly simple for me, though I doubt it will be for anyone else. I suck it up and keep living. It hurts when my dad died, but nothing I did was going to fix it. I was sad that it had happened, but I didn't let it stop me from living my life.

 

[SL33TBL1ND]

ok, imagine yourself in a blank white room. no walls or cieling, just a white blank plane. now, think of 3 adjectives, in your opinion, that describe how you feel about being in that big white void.

.................................got three adjectives? no? ok, another minute....................................

.................................done? cool beans, now, those 3 adjectives should describe how you feel about death...........

freaky right? next question, think of a river, and come up with 3 adjectives for that.

...................................got them? those 3 adjectives describe how you like to have sex...........yep.

That was pretty good! Just cut back on the ellipses!

OT: The best way to deal with death is to just sit and think it over for a while. Then, when you're ready, go speak to someone close to you about it.

 

[SimuLord]

Death is one place where religious piety really shows off its merits and shines. The gods have the fallen and it is our fate to join them in the next life.

 

[Syntax Man]

I honestly don't know, by best friend took his own life a little under two months ago and I really don't know how I've gotten to this point.

 

[arsenicCatnip]

First, HUGS for you, OP.

I lost a good friend and a beloved teacher during my senior year of high school, and I went utterly numb. I can't remember anything from that time beyond getting drunk after I found out about my teacher's death. It really wrecked our school for awhile though... we had a small community, and losing a member the way we did just tore everyone to pieces.

Recently, my boyfriend lost his sister-in-law to a sudden infection after surgery. She was recovering from an eating disorder at the same time I was developing one. Hearing about her death and seeing him shaken and heartbroken... I ended up crying so hard they sent me home from work, and I didn't know the woman. His reaction to her death was what got to me.

 

[sylekage]

I've had two important people in my family die in the last two years. The only advice I can give is advice I gave myself. Deal with it the way you want to. If you want to bottle it up, then do it, cry when you're not around people, don't talk about it, shut off the world.

Or, you can be open about it, letting everyone know what happened, tell stories, laugh, cry, don't be afraid to show the emotions you're feeling.

Or, do what I did. Tell only those who knew, and asked what happened. Think of all the good times, even the bad. listen/watch/read stuff that comforts you, and might make you feel closer to the person. Don;t let death envelop you. The person may be gone, but you can live a little for them, mirroring some of their traits. I've done this, and it helps. People tell me I look like my dad, or I do little things like he did. But like I said, you have to deal with it your own way.

 

[Outright Villainy]

It's one of those cop out answers, but "Time heals all wounds" legitimately applies to death. It's the only real way of getting over it.

Time does not heal the wounds of death of someone close to you. It is always there.

That may be true of the group mourning that the emo crowd tends to do for stars and people they barely knew, but its not true of someone you care about. The wound is always there. At best it dulls a little as you learn to deal with it better.

Well I never said it'd go away completely, there's always scars. I meant what you said in the last sentence, you learn to deal with it better, and it doesn't dominate as much.

 

[Shockolate]

My father died when I was 4 years old, and I've had two close friends who's fathers have also died.

I don't really think about it at all. I'd probably forget what my father even looked like if it weren't for a picture of him on the wall outside my room. The only things I remember is he was a gamer before I was even born, and loved hockey. Either I've repressed it completely, or I just don't care, I'm honestly not sure.

 

[Bobby Newmark]

I bottle it up and get angry at everyone.

 

[mega48man]

ok, imagine yourself in a blank white room. no walls or cieling, just a white blank plane. now, think of 3 adjectives, in your opinion, that describe how you feel about being in that big white void.

.................................got three adjectives? no? ok, another minute....................................

.................................done? cool beans, now, those 3 adjectives should describe how you feel about death...........

freaky right? next question, think of a river, and come up with 3 adjectives for that.

...................................got them? those 3 adjectives describe how you like to have sex...........yep.

That was pretty good! Just cut back on the ellipses!

OT: The best way to deal with death is to just sit and think it over for a while. Then, when you're ready, go speak to someone close to you about it.

true. i prefer not to think about death and watch scott pilgrim over and over instead. makes me happy, because IT'S AWESOME.

 

[SL33TBL1ND]

ok, imagine yourself in a blank white room. no walls or cieling, just a white blank plane. now, think of 3 adjectives, in your opinion, that describe how you feel about being in that big white void.

.................................got three adjectives? no? ok, another minute....................................

.................................done? cool beans, now, those 3 adjectives should describe how you feel about death...........

freaky right? next question, think of a river, and come up with 3 adjectives for that.

...................................got them? those 3 adjectives describe how you like to have sex...........yep.

That was pretty good! Just cut back on the ellipses!

OT: The best way to deal with death is to just sit and think it over for a while. Then, when you're ready, go speak to someone close to you about it.

true. i prefer not to think about death and watch scott pilgrim over and over instead. makes me happy, because IT'S AWESOME.

I guess that works too!

 

[GenericAmerican]

I was going to post my feelings on the subject, but I won't. I have dealt with several deaths; and none of them hurt...even close friends and family, I just didn't care. And when I was typing my post out, I realized that. Now I feel like shit, I just realized; I don't care about my family.