"Dear Customer, it is my pleasure to inform you..." (A Venting Thread)

[Johnny Impact]

You'd be surprised at how many people under 30 aren't computer literate in the least. This guy I've worked for in the past has two kids who were constantly not only fucking up their own computers, but then after theirs were well and good screwed up going on to fuck his up too. Both of them are around 18-25 and they're both blooming idiots when it comes to computers. They constantly go around the internet downloading every single "Free movies and TV" toolbar and every other malware scam on the internet. They continuously fall for this shit, clicking on the "win a free iPad" banners and all and then not understanding why the computer doesn't work right any more.

I'm in the unfortunate position of not being educated or certified in PC tech support while still knowing more than most of the people around me. As a result I am constantly asked to diagnose/fix their computers. A typical question goes like this: "My computer has gotten really slow. Can you tell me what's wrong?"
1) Not without looking at it
2) It could be any combination of a dozen different things
3) No, I cannot give you an answer in 25 words or less which will be a snap for you to remember and do yourself, if that were the case you would already have fixed the problem. I can give you a list of fixes to try, but the fact that you asked that question in the first place means you won't be able to use it.
4) No, I won't come to your house and spend hours trying to fix it for free!

 

[Total LOLige]

I don't know about the U.S but in the UK when someone asks that it means they'll have one portion of chips and fish. Do people really say that when they want ten bags of chips? Just curious

Australia here actually, and yeah. People come in with a family and ask for fish and chips. If I put down a family pack, they end up unhappy 'cause they wanted Grenadier instead of Flake as the fish, and I get in trouble for not checking their order. Others come in with two and ask for fish and chips, and I specify "So just a minimum chips and a flake?" for them, and get told "No, I want $5 chips and 2 King George Whiting". Good for you. Tell me these things, don't assume I'm psychic. There are some that come in and actually do just want a minimum chips and a piece of fried flake, but I have to ask each and every person exactly what they want on their order as there are some idiots who just can't be bothered specifying what they want and think its universally understood.

Bloody hell, the only fish that's sold over here is cod in batter so there's no need to go into specifics when ordering. I'm sure the fancier chip shops sell more kinds of fish but most chip shops I've been in only have one option.

 

[grey_space]

...Oh dear god, this one left me in stitches sir. I have this mental image in my head of a bouncer reading off each line and this one made me laugh.

I have to ask what experience this one is based off of.

That was incredibly insightful and amusing to boot. Thank you.

Do you have any funny stories c:?

Not at all thank you! In hope that this doesn't derail the thread, I'll tell you this one story. It's a bit long and I don't know if you'll find it funny but it's one of the reasons I vented about me not being Batman

Just as a bit of background I work in a student late bar in a big student town. The general demographic is a bit hipster so the dress code is VERY informal and the customer care attitude in this place is 'casual'. Less 'Good evening Sir' and more 'Hey man hows it goin'.

So I give you The Epic Tale Of Crazy Ronan and Stoner John:

Spoiler

So I was on the door on a fairly busy night. Lot of traffic outside on the street. I was just after refusing a guy (lets call him Ronan) and was explaining to him that he was never going to be welcome into the place for any reason, ever, because a month ago he had glassed his girlfriend inside the bar and cut her quite badly.

Now Ronan is a very quiet and charming guy, very softly spoken, and always very well dressed, but because of a lot of family, personal, and socio-economic reasons, he doesn't really get or understand a lot of the rules and laws of society that we would adhere to. He kinda sees them more like guidelines. Now I was being very polite to Ronan and was expressing my personal regret as to refusing him. Ronan to his credit was taking the refusal in his stride, claiming he understood my position and that he was getting anger management classes now and since he was back with his girlfriend would there be any chance in the future?

I was trying to delicately explain to him that he was never going to be let into the place because he was fucking terrifying when he lost his temper when a guy gets walked out by the security inside for smoking a joint inside the premises in the smoking area.

The guy is about medium height hair is in not-quite dreads, goatee, canvas shoes, and already I can see that this guy has an attitude problem. He's with his girlfriend who's now trying to pull him away from me. He walks up to me:

Him: 'Why the fuck was I put out?'
Me: You were smoking drugs on the premises.
Him: So fucking what?
Me: Well apparently that's against the law.
Him: Fuck you. And Yer man inside is a **** as well. Fucking bullies.
Me: Cool.
Girlfriend[pulling at his arm]: come on John lets go.
Him:[pushing her away] I'm only going to smoke it at home now anyway.
Me: Ok. Whatever. Man, I don't care what you do at home. Neither does the guy inside. You just can't do it inside. It's against the law.
Him: It's a stupid fucking law anyway.
Me: Amazingly enough I'm not in charge of the laws. If you have an issue with the law how about you write to the Minister for Justice. You see he's in charge of the laws, and I'm here, in charge of the door.
Him Fuck you. I want to go inside.
Me: You can't.
Him I want to get my jacket.
Me: You're wearing a jacket.
Him: My bag so. I had a bag.
Me: You can't.
Him: Why?
Me: Isn't that the eternal question? Why? But I think we've covered this already. You broke the law. We could be calling the cops on you, but instead we just want to to go away.
Him: I want my bag.
Me: I want to live on a tropical island instead of this rainy shithole. Life is full of disappointments.
Girlfriend: I'll get the bag. [to me]Can I come in?
Me: No problem. You weren't smoking drugs on the premises.
[girlfriend, glaring at me, goes inside]
Girlfriend [Muttering to me] Asshole.
Him: She smokes it at home.
Me[wearily]: *sigh* Good for her and good for you. That is a fascinating window into your life together you must be very happy. Its important to have common interests.
Him: You're a dick.

He hangs by the door waiting for his Girl. Intermittently going between glaring and smirking at me while shaking his head like a mad horse. Now this is where Ronan (who was there all the time waiting patiently for me to finish so he could talk to me again.) comes up to me.

Ronan: Jeez yer man is unbelievable. I'd never say that to you. Can I come in?
Me: Ronan sorry I can't. To be honest my Manager is terrified of you after last month. Sure there was blood everywhere man. I was an hour mopping it up. That's pretty fucked up.
Ronan[Laughs]: Ha Ha ya that's fair enough I suppose. Sorry about that again. My shirt was destroyed. Fecking thing cost me 70 euro in River island! Are you sure you can't let me in?
Me: I'm sorry man it's more than my job is worth.
Ronan: No problem man no problem.

Now John the stoner comes up to me again. Now imagine every time he says something he steps towards me and I have to kinda push him away a little. He's not trying to hit me but he is pretty aggressive and definitely getting 'in my face'

Him: Let me in.
Me: No.
Him: Why.
Me Because.
Him: Ignorant wanker.
Ronan: Look man take it easy there is no need to be like that.
Him [ignoring him Ronan glaring at me]: Why are you being such a dickhead? Is it because you can't get a real job?
Ronan: Look man, just chill out there is no need for you to be so aggressive. Just live and let live man sure I'm out here too.
Him [ignoring Ronan again]: You're just being an aggressive dickhead now I wasn't hurting anybody man what's your fucking problem you're not a cop. You're a fucking wannabee cop. Tosser.
Ronan[Frowning at him]: You're ignoring me now and I don't like it.
Him[Still not even listening to Ronan still talking to me]: That's it isn't it? You failed the Cop exam and now you're down here being a **** to people.
Ronan[to him]: You're very rude. I don't like that.
Him: [Making a shooing gesture at Ronan]: Fuck off you scumbag.

Ronan very smoothly steps behind him and just sweeps the back of his knees right from under him. Both his legs go right up into the air. John the Stoner whacks the ground so hard and I hear all the air in his lungs come whooshing out from him.

Ronan: You're very rude.

John the stoner drunkenly picks himself up, an expression of utter shock and stunned horror on his face. He looks at me. I say nothing. Don't even crack a smile. He looks at Ronan , his eyes big and round in total astonishment.

Ronan: You should have listened to me man. I don't like being ignored. It's rude. People shouldn't be rude.

John, spokesperson and rights activist for Irish stoners everywhere; Takes a massive deep breath and points at me, eyes now practically protruding out of his head: 'YOU FUCKING DID THAT!!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!'

And just runs towards me. Ronan steps up to his side as he runs past and hooks his arm around John the stoners neck, half-clotheslining him and getting him in a headlock. He starts walking John the Stoner backwards away from the bar door and around the corner.

Ronan:[very quietly and calmly in John the stoner's ear while walking him backwards all the time]: That wasn't him. That was me. You're still ignoring me.
Me: Ronan for fucks sake you are on camera! you're also bound to the piece the Cops are on their way.(total lie on my part)
Ronan: No it's grand I'll be quick enough and then I'll head up town.

They dissappear around the corner just as the girlfriend come out from the bar.

Girlfriend: Where is He?
Me: He got into an argument and a guy took him around the corner over there.

[She goes around the corner literally a second later she comes pelting back to me screaming]

Girlfriend: 'HELP HIMTHEY ARE FIGHTING!'
Me: Am....No.
Girlfriend: 'WHY NOT IT'S YOUR FUCKING JOB YOU'RE SECURITY!!!!
Me: No it's not. That's the Cops job out on the street. It's my job inside. Look at all those people in there. All perfectly safe. You call the cops if you want.
Girlfriend: 'HE'S GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM!'
Me: That is...very sad.
Girlfriend: Well for fucks sake help him anyway though!!! Break it up and hold the guy until they come!!! He's killing him!!! Do SOMETHING!!!
Me; No, that would make me a vigilante. That's Batman's job. I'm not Batman.
Gilrfriend [Taking out her phone and looking at me with total and utter disgust]: You are fucking terrible at your job.

Me: Possibly. I may not be the Security that you boyfriend needs right now, but I feel I'm definitely the one he deserves.

[Guy who was working beside me starts laughing]

Girlfriend: Asshole.



About five minutes later we see Stoner John being supported by his girlfriend to a taxi. For some unknown reason he was holding his head. Possibly a headache. Who can tell?

End

 

[Jolly Co-operator]

As someone who worked as a dishwasher, I ask that you please don't take your butter packets and smear them around the inside of your glass with your fork. Aside from that, please feel free to enjoy your food as messily as you like; that's what I'm being paid for, after all.

I only had that job for one summer, but you'd be surprised how often I came across that specific scenario. It's a lot more of a pain to get off then one might think.

 

[BrassButtons]

Me: Possibly. I may not be the Security that you boyfriend needs right now, but I feel I'm definitely the one he deserves.

That is fantastic

 

[DudeistBelieve]

...Oh dear god, this one left me in stitches sir. I have this mental image in my head of a bouncer reading off each line and this one made me laugh.

I have to ask what experience this one is based off of.

That was incredibly insightful and amusing to boot. Thank you.

Do you have any funny stories c:?

Not at all thank you! In hope that this doesn't derail the thread, I'll tell you this one story. It's a bit long and I don't know if you'll find it funny but it's one of the reasons I vented about me not being Batman

Just as a bit of background I work in a student late bar in a big student town. The general demographic is a bit hipster so the dress code is VERY informal and the customer care attitude in this place is 'casual'. Less 'Good evening Sir' and more 'Hey man hows it goin'.

So I give you The Epic Tale Of Crazy Ronan and Stoner John:

Spoiler

So I was on the door on a fairly busy night. Lot of traffic outside on the street. I was just after refusing a guy (lets call him Ronan) and was explaining to him that he was never going to be welcome into the place for any reason, ever, because a month ago he had glassed his girlfriend inside the bar and cut her quite badly.

Now Ronan is a very quiet and charming guy, very softly spoken, and always very well dressed, but because of a lot of family, personal, and socio-economic reasons, he doesn't really get or understand a lot of the rules and laws of society that we would adhere to. He kinda sees them more like guidelines. Now I was being very polite to Ronan and was expressing my personal regret as to refusing him. Ronan to his credit was taking the refusal in his stride, claiming he understood my position and that he was getting anger management classes now and since he was back with his girlfriend would there be any chance in the future?

I was trying to delicately explain to him that he was never going to be let into the place because he was fucking terrifying when he lost his temper when a guy gets walked out by the security inside for smoking a joint inside the premises in the smoking area.

The guy is about medium height hair is in not-quite dreads, goatee, canvas shoes, and already I can see that this guy has an attitude problem. He's with his girlfriend who's now trying to pull him away from me. He walks up to me:

Him: 'Why the fuck was I put out?'
Me: You were smoking drugs on the premises.
Him: So fucking what?
Me: Well apparently that's against the law.
Him: Fuck you. And Yer man inside is a **** as well. Fucking bullies.
Me: Cool.
Girlfriend[pulling at his arm]: come on John lets go.
Him:[pushing her away] I'm only going to smoke it at home now anyway.
Me: Ok. Whatever. Man, I don't care what you do at home. Neither does the guy inside. You just can't do it inside. It's against the law.
Him: It's a stupid fucking law anyway.
Me: Amazingly enough I'm not in charge of the laws. If you have an issue with the law how about you write to the Minister for Justice. You see he's in charge of the laws, and I'm here, in charge of the door.
Him Fuck you. I want to go inside.
Me: You can't.
Him I want to get my jacket.
Me: You're wearing a jacket.
Him: My bag so. I had a bag.
Me: You can't.
Him: Why?
Me: Isn't that the eternal question? Why? But I think we've covered this already. You broke the law. We could be calling the cops on you, but instead we just want to to go away.
Him: I want my bag.
Me: I want to live on a tropical island instead of this rainy shithole. Life is full of disappointments.
Girlfriend: I'll get the bag. [to me]Can I come in?
Me: No problem. You weren't smoking drugs on the premises.
[girlfriend, glaring at me, goes inside]
Girlfriend [Muttering to me] Asshole.
Him: She smokes it at home.
Me[wearily]: *sigh* Good for her and good for you. That is a fascinating window into your life together you must be very happy. Its important to have common interests.
Him: You're a dick.

He hangs by the door waiting for his Girl. Intermittently going between glaring and smirking at me while shaking his head like a mad horse. Now this is where Ronan (who was there all the time waiting patiently for me to finish so he could talk to me again.) comes up to me.

Ronan: Jeez yer man is unbelievable. I'd never say that to you. Can I come in?
Me: Ronan sorry I can't. To be honest my Manager is terrified of you after last month. Sure there was blood everywhere man. I was an hour mopping it up. That's pretty fucked up.
Ronan[Laughs]: Ha Ha ya that's fair enough I suppose. Sorry about that again. My shirt was destroyed. Fecking thing cost me 70 euro in River island! Are you sure you can't let me in?
Me: I'm sorry man it's more than my job is worth.
Ronan: No problem man no problem.

Now John the stoner comes up to me again. Now imagine every time he says something he steps towards me and I have to kinda push him away a little. He's not trying to hit me but he is pretty aggressive and definitely getting 'in my face'

Him: Let me in.
Me: No.
Him: Why.
Me Because.
Him: Ignorant wanker.
Ronan: Look man take it easy there is no need to be like that.
Him [ignoring him Ronan glaring at me]: Why are you being such a dickhead? Is it because you can't get a real job?
Ronan: Look man, just chill out there is no need for you to be so aggressive. Just live and let live man sure I'm out here too.
Him [ignoring Ronan again]: You're just being an aggressive dickhead now I wasn't hurting anybody man what's your fucking problem you're not a cop. You're a fucking wannabee cop. Tosser.
Ronan[Frowning at him]: You're ignoring me now and I don't like it.
Him[Still not even listening to Ronan still talking to me]: That's it isn't it? You failed the Cop exam and now you're down here being a **** to people.
Ronan[to him]: You're very rude. I don't like that.
Him: [Making a shooing gesture at Ronan]: Fuck off you scumbag.

Ronan very smoothly steps behind him and just sweeps the back of his knees right from under him. Both his legs go right up into the air. John the Stoner whacks the ground so hard and I hear all the air in his lungs come whooshing out from him.

Ronan: You're very rude.

John the stoner drunkenly picks himself up, an expression of utter shock and stunned horror on his face. He looks at me. I say nothing. Don't even crack a smile. He looks at Ronan , his eyes big and round in total astonishment.

Ronan: You should have listened to me man. I don't like being ignored. It's rude. People shouldn't be rude.

John, spokesperson and rights activist for Irish stoners everywhere; Takes a massive deep breath and points at me, eyes now practically protruding out of his head: 'YOU FUCKING DID THAT!!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!'

And just runs towards me. Ronan steps up to his side as he runs past and hooks his arm around John the stoners neck, half-clotheslining him and getting him in a headlock. He starts walking John the Stoner backwards away from the bar door and around the corner.

Ronan:[very quietly and calmly in John the stoner's ear while walking him backwards all the time]: That wasn't him. That was me. You're still ignoring me.
Me: Ronan for fucks sake you are on camera! you're also bound to the piece the Cops are on their way.(total lie on my part)
Ronan: No it's grand I'll be quick enough and then I'll head up town.

They dissappear around the corner just as the girlfriend come out from the bar.

Girlfriend: Where is He?
Me: He got into an argument and a guy took him around the corner over there.

[She goes around the corner literally a second later she comes pelting back to me screaming]

Girlfriend: 'HELP HIMTHEY ARE FIGHTING!'
Me: Am....No.
Girlfriend: 'WHY NOT IT'S YOUR FUCKING JOB YOU'RE SECURITY!!!!
Me: No it's not. That's the Cops job out on the street. It's my job inside. Look at all those people in there. All perfectly safe. You call the cops if you want.
Girlfriend: 'HE'S GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM!'
Me: That is...very sad.
Girlfriend: Well for fucks sake help him anyway though!!! Break it up and hold the guy until they come!!! He's killing him!!! Do SOMETHING!!!
Me; No, that would make me a vigilante. That's Batman's job. I'm not Batman.
Gilrfriend [Taking out her phone and looking at me with total and utter disgust]: You are fucking terrible at your job.

Me: Possibly. I may not be the Security that you boyfriend needs right now, but I feel I'm definitely the one he deserves.

[Guy who was working beside me starts laughing]

Girlfriend: Asshole.



About five minutes later we see Stoner John being supported by his girlfriend to a taxi. For some unknown reason he was holding his head. Possibly a headache. Who can tell?

End

....God damn you sir, how the hell did you say that line with a straight face? Brilliant story.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

Union shop. Raise freeze for the next 5 years. Yeah I can move on to a position with more responsibilities but I wouldn't be getting a raise with it. so "raising my goals" there makes no sense to take on more work for the same pay. Can't leave, I'll never find another job that's this accommodating with the schedule.

Define annoyance. Cause really? You'd really care the person ringing you up didn't treat you like you were the beacon of your day? No I doubt that, unless the cashier was deliberately giving you a bad attitude (which I don't, I'm polite, I'm just not going to go the extra mile), you won't give a damn. You'll be happy you have box of Oreos.

I hope you're fine then after 10 years, only ever having been in an entry level position. It sucks that there are no raises allowed for the next 5 years, but while getting a new job title and more responsibilities with the same pay sucks it at least shows you're developing skills, which is useful in getting other better jobs down the track. This is of course only useful if you don't intend on being a cashier for the rest of your life.

An annoyance, as in someone who is causing extra work, who's presence is preferred anywhere but infront of you, this often presents as indifference. I never said I wanted to be treated like "the beacon of anyone's day" I just don't want to be treated like I'm just thing you have to deal with. Not sure if its happening in America as well, but alot of companies, especially banks in Australia have been distancing themselves from the "customer is just another number" type of service. Even when it comes to banking the point is to have you feel like you're an individual and different from everyone else. No one actually believes it, but when you get good service from somewhere you go, when you get bad or indifferent service it doesn't matter where you go. So yeah I'd be satisfied I've got my Weet-Bix, but I'd be happy I got served by someone who at least seemed happy to be there.

I'm an English Major in college so I'm pretty much screwed anyway.

Personally, I hate it when they pretend that they like what they're doing. Because they don't, I can't even imagine the pyschopath that would actually enjoy working the customer service desk... I mean I probably would because I'd just give the customer whatever they wanted. I actually have coworkers that trying to enforce the policy of making sure the customers don't take extra bags. They get into shouting matches with them, and I'm like really? We make minimum wage, it's not worth it.

 

[FalloutJack]

The Doorman Rises

That was class, right there. You are not only a prefessional, but a man of wit and charm and cleverness.

 

[ZZoMBiE13]

A whole lot of stuff

Man oh man, I know your pain. Long ago I used to sell PCs. And even worse, I sold them at Best Buy. The job itself wasn't the worst I've had by any stretch, but the standout idiots always stay with you. Like people who wanted the cheapest thing on the shelf then balked when they found out they couldn't upgrade a single component AFTER I TOLD THEM THIS FACT.

The list goes on and on and I won't bore the rest of the thread with long winded tales of retail trauma. But know sir, that I can relate to your struggles in kind.

 

[Joccaren]

Bloody hell, the only fish that's sold over here is cod in batter so there's no need to go into specifics when ordering. I'm sure the fancier chip shops sell more kinds of fish but most chip shops I've been in only have one option.

Ironically I think cod is the one fish we don't sell here [Unless there's another name for it and I'm just stupid or something].
All the fish and Chips shops I've worked for have sold Flake, Blue Grenadier, Barramundi, Flounder, King George Whiting, Barracuda, Hake and one of them sold snapper as well. Flake is the most ordered, and what's considered the default fish [Or shark, or whatever actually goes into our lot of flake], but Blue Grenadier is fairly popular too. Greek owned fish and chip shops seem to love having a variety of fish. Probably are a few around that just sell Flake, but they're usually milk bars that just conveniently sell fish and chips too.
On a related note: just survived the Good Friday shift. Thank god I was on counters rather than the fryers.

 

[Stryc9]

You'd be surprised at how many people under 30 aren't computer literate in the least. This guy I've worked for in the past has two kids who were constantly not only fucking up their own computers, but then after theirs were well and good screwed up going on to fuck his up too. Both of them are around 18-25 and they're both blooming idiots when it comes to computers. They constantly go around the internet downloading every single "Free movies and TV" toolbar and every other malware scam on the internet. They continuously fall for this shit, clicking on the "win a free iPad" banners and all and then not understanding why the computer doesn't work right any more.

I'm in the unfortunate position of not being educated or certified in PC tech support while still knowing more than most of the people around me. As a result I am constantly asked to diagnose/fix their computers. A typical question goes like this: "My computer has gotten really slow. Can you tell me what's wrong?"
1) Not without looking at it

Which is immediately followed by accusations that you either don't know what you're taking about or are just trying to squeeze money out of them right?

2) It could be any combination of a dozen different things
3) No, I cannot give you an answer in 25 words or less which will be a snap for you to remember and do yourself, if that were the case you would already have fixed the problem. I can give you a list of fixes to try, but the fact that you asked that question in the first place means you won't be able to use it.
4) No, I won't come to your house and spend hours trying to fix it for free!

Never fix computers for family and expect to get paid for it. It doesn't end well and they just spend all their time criticizing your knowledge.

 

[Nouw]

Not at all thank you! In hope that this doesn't derail the thread, I'll tell you this one story. It's a bit long and I don't know if you'll find it funny but it's one of the reasons I vented about me not being Batman

Just as a bit of background I work in a student late bar in a big student town. The general demographic is a bit hipster so the dress code is VERY informal and the customer care attitude in this place is 'casual'. Less 'Good evening Sir' and more 'Hey man hows it goin'.

So I give you The Epic Tale Of Crazy Ronan and Stoner John:

Spoiler

So I was on the door on a fairly busy night. Lot of traffic outside on the street. I was just after refusing a guy (lets call him Ronan) and was explaining to him that he was never going to be welcome into the place for any reason, ever, because a month ago he had glassed his girlfriend inside the bar and cut her quite badly.

Now Ronan is a very quiet and charming guy, very softly spoken, and always very well dressed, but because of a lot of family, personal, and socio-economic reasons, he doesn't really get or understand a lot of the rules and laws of society that we would adhere to. He kinda sees them more like guidelines. Now I was being very polite to Ronan and was expressing my personal regret as to refusing him. Ronan to his credit was taking the refusal in his stride, claiming he understood my position and that he was getting anger management classes now and since he was back with his girlfriend would there be any chance in the future?

I was trying to delicately explain to him that he was never going to be let into the place because he was fucking terrifying when he lost his temper when a guy gets walked out by the security inside for smoking a joint inside the premises in the smoking area.

The guy is about medium height hair is in not-quite dreads, goatee, canvas shoes, and already I can see that this guy has an attitude problem. He's with his girlfriend who's now trying to pull him away from me. He walks up to me:

Him: 'Why the fuck was I put out?'
Me: You were smoking drugs on the premises.
Him: So fucking what?
Me: Well apparently that's against the law.
Him: Fuck you. And Yer man inside is a **** as well. Fucking bullies.
Me: Cool.
Girlfriend[pulling at his arm]: come on John lets go.
Him:[pushing her away] I'm only going to smoke it at home now anyway.
Me: Ok. Whatever. Man, I don't care what you do at home. Neither does the guy inside. You just can't do it inside. It's against the law.
Him: It's a stupid fucking law anyway.
Me: Amazingly enough I'm not in charge of the laws. If you have an issue with the law how about you write to the Minister for Justice. You see he's in charge of the laws, and I'm here, in charge of the door.
Him Fuck you. I want to go inside.
Me: You can't.
Him I want to get my jacket.
Me: You're wearing a jacket.
Him: My bag so. I had a bag.
Me: You can't.
Him: Why?
Me: Isn't that the eternal question? Why? But I think we've covered this already. You broke the law. We could be calling the cops on you, but instead we just want to to go away.
Him: I want my bag.
Me: I want to live on a tropical island instead of this rainy shithole. Life is full of disappointments.
Girlfriend: I'll get the bag. [to me]Can I come in?
Me: No problem. You weren't smoking drugs on the premises.
[girlfriend, glaring at me, goes inside]
Girlfriend [Muttering to me] Asshole.
Him: She smokes it at home.
Me[wearily]: *sigh* Good for her and good for you. That is a fascinating window into your life together you must be very happy. Its important to have common interests.
Him: You're a dick.

He hangs by the door waiting for his Girl. Intermittently going between glaring and smirking at me while shaking his head like a mad horse. Now this is where Ronan (who was there all the time waiting patiently for me to finish so he could talk to me again.) comes up to me.

Ronan: Jeez yer man is unbelievable. I'd never say that to you. Can I come in?
Me: Ronan sorry I can't. To be honest my Manager is terrified of you after last month. Sure there was blood everywhere man. I was an hour mopping it up. That's pretty fucked up.
Ronan[Laughs]: Ha Ha ya that's fair enough I suppose. Sorry about that again. My shirt was destroyed. Fecking thing cost me 70 euro in River island! Are you sure you can't let me in?
Me: I'm sorry man it's more than my job is worth.
Ronan: No problem man no problem.

Now John the stoner comes up to me again. Now imagine every time he says something he steps towards me and I have to kinda push him away a little. He's not trying to hit me but he is pretty aggressive and definitely getting 'in my face'

Him: Let me in.
Me: No.
Him: Why.
Me Because.
Him: Ignorant wanker.
Ronan: Look man take it easy there is no need to be like that.
Him [ignoring him Ronan glaring at me]: Why are you being such a dickhead? Is it because you can't get a real job?
Ronan: Look man, just chill out there is no need for you to be so aggressive. Just live and let live man sure I'm out here too.
Him [ignoring Ronan again]: You're just being an aggressive dickhead now I wasn't hurting anybody man what's your fucking problem you're not a cop. You're a fucking wannabee cop. Tosser.
Ronan[Frowning at him]: You're ignoring me now and I don't like it.
Him[Still not even listening to Ronan still talking to me]: That's it isn't it? You failed the Cop exam and now you're down here being a **** to people.
Ronan[to him]: You're very rude. I don't like that.
Him: [Making a shooing gesture at Ronan]: Fuck off you scumbag.

Ronan very smoothly steps behind him and just sweeps the back of his knees right from under him. Both his legs go right up into the air. John the Stoner whacks the ground so hard and I hear all the air in his lungs come whooshing out from him.

Ronan: You're very rude.

John the stoner drunkenly picks himself up, an expression of utter shock and stunned horror on his face. He looks at me. I say nothing. Don't even crack a smile. He looks at Ronan , his eyes big and round in total astonishment.

Ronan: You should have listened to me man. I don't like being ignored. It's rude. People shouldn't be rude.

John, spokesperson and rights activist for Irish stoners everywhere; Takes a massive deep breath and points at me, eyes now practically protruding out of his head: 'YOU FUCKING DID THAT!!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!'

And just runs towards me. Ronan steps up to his side as he runs past and hooks his arm around John the stoners neck, half-clotheslining him and getting him in a headlock. He starts walking John the Stoner backwards away from the bar door and around the corner.

Ronan:[very quietly and calmly in John the stoner's ear while walking him backwards all the time]: That wasn't him. That was me. You're still ignoring me.
Me: Ronan for fucks sake you are on camera! you're also bound to the piece the Cops are on their way.(total lie on my part)
Ronan: No it's grand I'll be quick enough and then I'll head up town.

They dissappear around the corner just as the girlfriend come out from the bar.

Girlfriend: Where is He?
Me: He got into an argument and a guy took him around the corner over there.

[She goes around the corner literally a second later she comes pelting back to me screaming]

Girlfriend: 'HELP HIMTHEY ARE FIGHTING!'
Me: Am....No.
Girlfriend: 'WHY NOT IT'S YOUR FUCKING JOB YOU'RE SECURITY!!!!
Me: No it's not. That's the Cops job out on the street. It's my job inside. Look at all those people in there. All perfectly safe. You call the cops if you want.
Girlfriend: 'HE'S GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM!'
Me: That is...very sad.
Girlfriend: Well for fucks sake help him anyway though!!! Break it up and hold the guy until they come!!! He's killing him!!! Do SOMETHING!!!
Me; No, that would make me a vigilante. That's Batman's job. I'm not Batman.
Gilrfriend [Taking out her phone and looking at me with total and utter disgust]: You are fucking terrible at your job.

Me: Possibly. I may not be the Security that you boyfriend needs right now, but I feel I'm definitely the one he deserves.

[Guy who was working beside me starts laughing]

Girlfriend: Asshole.



About five minutes later we see Stoner John being supported by his girlfriend to a taxi. For some unknown reason he was holding his head. Possibly a headache. Who can tell?

End

Oh fuck, that was brilliant. If you have anymore, do tell. This thread is as appropriate as it gets for funny work-time stories. +Respect good sir.

 

[BeerTent]

You know what I love in Customer service...?

"Why do I have to go through all of this information for an RMA? My time is valuable, I don't have time to be talking with you over the phone! Can't you just do X for me? I'm too busy to be going through this shit!"

Well, if you're that much of a slack-ass, you should be looking to change the policy then. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and answer the goddamn questions. I got all the time in the world to hear you vent and whine like a little *****, if your time is as valuable as you say, you should answer the goddamn questions. They're required.

That one was from my previous position. I hate where I'm at now. Anybody use a Secure Remote Proctor?

 

[Julius Terrell]

I work for a cleaning company at a mall. Usually after the mall closes we have to mop the food court. The unfortunate problem is that people wait till the LAST MINUTE to buy food and eat it. I'd like to tell all the customers who do this that IT'S CLOSING TIME SO GET YOUR FOOD AND GET THE FUCK OUT SO I CAN DO MY JOB!!! Have a nice day!

Also, I'd like to tell all the inconsiderate jerks that walk all over the floor when I'm trying to mop....THAT I'LL BEAT YOU TO WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE IF YOU'RE NOT MORE CONSIDERATE!

What's so fucking hard about walking around the area i'm trying to mop. Is my job so insignigicant that people just pretend that I don't exist? Seriously!

 

[Hap2]

I work in a vintage video game store part time.

1) "I paid $60 for this game! You're trying to rip me off!" - The reply I hear all the time whenever I tell people how much I'm willing to pay for a used copy of a newer release, and in some cases, for games that are several years old that sell for less than $10 used. My prices depend on demand, how many I have in stock, the condition, my competitors, and the price they go for online. I do my damnedest to give you an accurate price that's fair for both of us.

I help run an independent small business whose continued existence depends on the profits made on stock that others bring in to trade/sell - if you want the full price of the game, you can go through the hassle of selling it privately yourself. Have fun trying to find a buyer for Dora the Explorer for PS2. In the meantime, we have rent, employees, and taxes to pay, accessories and repair parts to order, along with special items for our regulars that cannot be found in your local Wal-Mart or EB Games.

2) "Why won't you take this? Just give me $10 for it and it's yours." - I don't want your garbage. I don't want your scratched up sports games that I would only sell for $1 each, and would have to spend $3 in materials to fix before I could do so. I don't want your cheap crappy accessories and plug-in-play systems that never sell and take up valuable space. I don't want your busted up controllers, broken consoles, corroded game cartridges, cracked discs, bootlegs, and other assorted filthy junk that would require a tetanus shot and several hours worth of labour to clean/repair.

Go to a recycling centre; they are there for a reason.

3) "Can I return this game/system? I didn't like it." - Fuck you. You want to rent games? Go to Gamefly. We have giant policy signs everywhere that say it, not to mention it says right on the receipt itself: exchange ONLY for defective product ONLY. I say the policy every single time I sell something to someone. You want to know what a game is like? Use the internet: at home, on your phone, at the library, at a Wi-Fi hotspot, etc. A big box store might put up with your entitled bullshit, but a small independent store like us can't afford to give you FREE rentals just because you are too incompetent to do your own research.

 

[VoidWanderer]

I am lucky that with the alarm montioring that I do sice nmy dad is an alarm tech I have picked up a lot of troubleshooting tips, however...

When you tell soemeone multiple times very basic information. Like where the alarm is going off, and they ask 'Where?' and this gets repeated more than twice, I can feel my stress skyrocket...

I just wish people paid a little more attention to the information they are told as they need to know it...

 

[Bleidd Whitefalcon]

...Oh dear god, this one left me in stitches sir. I have this mental image in my head of a bouncer reading off each line and this one made me laugh.

I have to ask what experience this one is based off of.

That was incredibly insightful and amusing to boot. Thank you.

Do you have any funny stories c:?

Not at all thank you! In hope that this doesn't derail the thread, I'll tell you this one story. It's a bit long and I don't know if you'll find it funny but it's one of the reasons I vented about me not being Batman

Just as a bit of background I work in a student late bar in a big student town. The general demographic is a bit hipster so the dress code is VERY informal and the customer care attitude in this place is 'casual'. Less 'Good evening Sir' and more 'Hey man hows it goin'.

So I give you The Epic Tale Of Crazy Ronan and Stoner John:

Spoiler

So I was on the door on a fairly busy night. Lot of traffic outside on the street. I was just after refusing a guy (lets call him Ronan) and was explaining to him that he was never going to be welcome into the place for any reason, ever, because a month ago he had glassed his girlfriend inside the bar and cut her quite badly.

Now Ronan is a very quiet and charming guy, very softly spoken, and always very well dressed, but because of a lot of family, personal, and socio-economic reasons, he doesn't really get or understand a lot of the rules and laws of society that we would adhere to. He kinda sees them more like guidelines. Now I was being very polite to Ronan and was expressing my personal regret as to refusing him. Ronan to his credit was taking the refusal in his stride, claiming he understood my position and that he was getting anger management classes now and since he was back with his girlfriend would there be any chance in the future?

I was trying to delicately explain to him that he was never going to be let into the place because he was fucking terrifying when he lost his temper when a guy gets walked out by the security inside for smoking a joint inside the premises in the smoking area.

The guy is about medium height hair is in not-quite dreads, goatee, canvas shoes, and already I can see that this guy has an attitude problem. He's with his girlfriend who's now trying to pull him away from me. He walks up to me:

Him: 'Why the fuck was I put out?'
Me: You were smoking drugs on the premises.
Him: So fucking what?
Me: Well apparently that's against the law.
Him: Fuck you. And Yer man inside is a **** as well. Fucking bullies.
Me: Cool.
Girlfriend[pulling at his arm]: come on John lets go.
Him:[pushing her away] I'm only going to smoke it at home now anyway.
Me: Ok. Whatever. Man, I don't care what you do at home. Neither does the guy inside. You just can't do it inside. It's against the law.
Him: It's a stupid fucking law anyway.
Me: Amazingly enough I'm not in charge of the laws. If you have an issue with the law how about you write to the Minister for Justice. You see he's in charge of the laws, and I'm here, in charge of the door.
Him Fuck you. I want to go inside.
Me: You can't.
Him I want to get my jacket.
Me: You're wearing a jacket.
Him: My bag so. I had a bag.
Me: You can't.
Him: Why?
Me: Isn't that the eternal question? Why? But I think we've covered this already. You broke the law. We could be calling the cops on you, but instead we just want to to go away.
Him: I want my bag.
Me: I want to live on a tropical island instead of this rainy shithole. Life is full of disappointments.
Girlfriend: I'll get the bag. [to me]Can I come in?
Me: No problem. You weren't smoking drugs on the premises.
[girlfriend, glaring at me, goes inside]
Girlfriend [Muttering to me] Asshole.
Him: She smokes it at home.
Me[wearily]: *sigh* Good for her and good for you. That is a fascinating window into your life together you must be very happy. Its important to have common interests.
Him: You're a dick.

He hangs by the door waiting for his Girl. Intermittently going between glaring and smirking at me while shaking his head like a mad horse. Now this is where Ronan (who was there all the time waiting patiently for me to finish so he could talk to me again.) comes up to me.

Ronan: Jeez yer man is unbelievable. I'd never say that to you. Can I come in?
Me: Ronan sorry I can't. To be honest my Manager is terrified of you after last month. Sure there was blood everywhere man. I was an hour mopping it up. That's pretty fucked up.
Ronan[Laughs]: Ha Ha ya that's fair enough I suppose. Sorry about that again. My shirt was destroyed. Fecking thing cost me 70 euro in River island! Are you sure you can't let me in?
Me: I'm sorry man it's more than my job is worth.
Ronan: No problem man no problem.

Now John the stoner comes up to me again. Now imagine every time he says something he steps towards me and I have to kinda push him away a little. He's not trying to hit me but he is pretty aggressive and definitely getting 'in my face'

Him: Let me in.
Me: No.
Him: Why.
Me Because.
Him: Ignorant wanker.
Ronan: Look man take it easy there is no need to be like that.
Him [ignoring him Ronan glaring at me]: Why are you being such a dickhead? Is it because you can't get a real job?
Ronan: Look man, just chill out there is no need for you to be so aggressive. Just live and let live man sure I'm out here too.
Him [ignoring Ronan again]: You're just being an aggressive dickhead now I wasn't hurting anybody man what's your fucking problem you're not a cop. You're a fucking wannabee cop. Tosser.
Ronan[Frowning at him]: You're ignoring me now and I don't like it.
Him[Still not even listening to Ronan still talking to me]: That's it isn't it? You failed the Cop exam and now you're down here being a **** to people.
Ronan[to him]: You're very rude. I don't like that.
Him: [Making a shooing gesture at Ronan]: Fuck off you scumbag.

Ronan very smoothly steps behind him and just sweeps the back of his knees right from under him. Both his legs go right up into the air. John the Stoner whacks the ground so hard and I hear all the air in his lungs come whooshing out from him.

Ronan: You're very rude.

John the stoner drunkenly picks himself up, an expression of utter shock and stunned horror on his face. He looks at me. I say nothing. Don't even crack a smile. He looks at Ronan , his eyes big and round in total astonishment.

Ronan: You should have listened to me man. I don't like being ignored. It's rude. People shouldn't be rude.

John, spokesperson and rights activist for Irish stoners everywhere; Takes a massive deep breath and points at me, eyes now practically protruding out of his head: 'YOU FUCKING DID THAT!!! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!'

And just runs towards me. Ronan steps up to his side as he runs past and hooks his arm around John the stoners neck, half-clotheslining him and getting him in a headlock. He starts walking John the Stoner backwards away from the bar door and around the corner.

Ronan:[very quietly and calmly in John the stoner's ear while walking him backwards all the time]: That wasn't him. That was me. You're still ignoring me.
Me: Ronan for fucks sake you are on camera! you're also bound to the piece the Cops are on their way.(total lie on my part)
Ronan: No it's grand I'll be quick enough and then I'll head up town.

They dissappear around the corner just as the girlfriend come out from the bar.

Girlfriend: Where is He?
Me: He got into an argument and a guy took him around the corner over there.

[She goes around the corner literally a second later she comes pelting back to me screaming]

Girlfriend: 'HELP HIMTHEY ARE FIGHTING!'
Me: Am....No.
Girlfriend: 'WHY NOT IT'S YOUR FUCKING JOB YOU'RE SECURITY!!!!
Me: No it's not. That's the Cops job out on the street. It's my job inside. Look at all those people in there. All perfectly safe. You call the cops if you want.
Girlfriend: 'HE'S GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF HIM!'
Me: That is...very sad.
Girlfriend: Well for fucks sake help him anyway though!!! Break it up and hold the guy until they come!!! He's killing him!!! Do SOMETHING!!!
Me; No, that would make me a vigilante. That's Batman's job. I'm not Batman.
Gilrfriend [Taking out her phone and looking at me with total and utter disgust]: You are fucking terrible at your job.

Me: Possibly. I may not be the Security that you boyfriend needs right now, but I feel I'm definitely the one he deserves.

[Guy who was working beside me starts laughing]

Girlfriend: Asshole.



About five minutes later we see Stoner John being supported by his girlfriend to a taxi. For some unknown reason he was holding his head. Possibly a headache. Who can tell?

End

You, sir, are AWESOME. If we ever meet, it would be my pleasure to buy you a drink

 

[Nyaliva]

-Snip-

I recently joined a gym and got a personal trainer and thought I'd have him for a while, get what information I could and then go it alone. I can tell you, I am not letting go of him! Every single session, I learn something new and my workouts are just so much better in every possible way when he's there. Being broke most of my life, I've often scrounged up what health and fitness information I could without shelling out large sums of money and it was just never enough. I now hold a great respect for personal trainers and the benefit they hold, in terms of information, assistance and pure motivation. I'm keeping mine as long as I can afford to!

Working in retail and hospitality, I've always been prepared for dumb customers with an inflated sense of what they're patronage is worth and I've had some gems, but mostly it's been okay. The one thing I dislike more than anything is the assumption that I don't care about people and am just there to make money. Now I know that might be true at the McDonalds down the road but at THIS restaurant (which, something else that pisses me off, is often regarded as fast food just because we do take away), we are here to provide a service, we would not be working here if we didn't want to. I mostly just hate people making assumptions about my character and that of the business because it's a franchise of a large restaurant chain and so everyone involved is just a vacuum cleaner trying to suck up all the money they can.

Then there's the quality phrases that customers blurt out when they think it'll get them what they want. "I'm never coming back here again" is one that still just baffles me as to why people think it holds any real threat anymore. Chances are if you're saying that, you're the type who'd only disrupt everyone elses evening whenever you came in.

I had my boss tickle me once.
It was the last day before we were all fired at Christmas, So I don't know if that makes it better or worse.

...Um what? No seriously, did that happen or was it just a really bad dream?

 

[Colin Bagley]

Sadly, not a dream.
I was Agency staff for a certain company that I probably can't name. At a warehouse, so thankfully very far away from the actual customers.
My job was to check the Online Orders made by customers however. And I felt sorry for loads of Kids. Plenty of parents would buy a particular gaming system (Nothing for anybody over the ages of 4, so nothing worth remembering.) With a selection of games for the particular gaming system 2.
There must have been loads of kids who got upset because their parents bought them the Metaphorical equal of PS2 Games for a PS1.

I Worked as a christmas elf the previous christmas, so I seem to have made all my wages so far, on handling gifts for children.

 

[Johnny Impact]

You'd be surprised at how many people under 30 aren't computer literate in the least. This guy I've worked for in the past has two kids who were constantly not only fucking up their own computers, but then after theirs were well and good screwed up going on to fuck his up too. Both of them are around 18-25 and they're both blooming idiots when it comes to computers. They constantly go around the internet downloading every single "Free movies and TV" toolbar and every other malware scam on the internet. They continuously fall for this shit, clicking on the "win a free iPad" banners and all and then not understanding why the computer doesn't work right any more.

I'm in the unfortunate position of not being educated or certified in PC tech support while still knowing more than most of the people around me. As a result I am constantly asked to diagnose/fix their computers. A typical question goes like this: "My computer has gotten really slow. Can you tell me what's wrong?"
1) Not without looking at it

Which is immediately followed by accusations that you either don't know what you're taking about or are just trying to squeeze money out of them right?

2) It could be any combination of a dozen different things
3) No, I cannot give you an answer in 25 words or less which will be a snap for you to remember and do yourself, if that were the case you would already have fixed the problem. I can give you a list of fixes to try, but the fact that you asked that question in the first place means you won't be able to use it.
4) No, I won't come to your house and spend hours trying to fix it for free!

Never fix computers for family and expect to get paid for it. It doesn't end well and they just spend all their time criticizing your knowledge.

I fix my parents' computers for free because I visit them often and their problems are usually simple. Teaching my mother how to use the rubber stamp brush in Photoshop is easy enough.

I would never actually charge anyone money to fix a computer. I don't have to. I just mention money and they say forget it. Works every time.