Demon Dirge - Defiance

[myogaman]

I've been writing a book since I was 16 and, in September, looked it in the eye and said, "Boy, you're shit. Time to rewrite this *****." I'll admit, the manuscript was horribly written but now that I've learned more about writing and actually have a plot in mind, I think I've got it ready to roll.

So, fellow escapists, you all seem to be fans of literature (this is a magazine, right?), tear my story down. I want this story ripped to shreds. It'll never get better unless someone grows the balls to criticize it.

So do your worst and make my day.

Interlogue 1 + Chapter 1 [http://cid-4da7d7d155cf676e.office.live.com/view.aspx/.Public/Interlogue1%20%5EM%20Chapter1.docx]


Tell me if the link doesn't work.

EDIT: Fixed Page 12 mistake
EDIT2: Fixed Jimmeh1337's stuff.

 

[myogaman]

*cough*bump*cough*hopeidontgetbanned

 

[PrimoThePro]

Readin'. I'll edit this post with what I think in a bit.
Typo: Page 12: "No clues were given on how long the team had spend underground." You mean spent?
Side note before I keep reading... Jargon is my favourite, for sheer brutality.
FUCK I have to go to work, but this is so far an amazing read.

Spoiler: I'm at the part where...

Riddin has just stabbed the nurse, and Jargon has realization take an axe swing at his "invincible" ego.

When I get back from work, around 10, I will finish reading, but seriously, so far it's pretty awesome, and I'm itching to find out the truth about the whole thing!
Edit:I see all your typos have been pointed out, but I would like to say it was an excellent read, and I have bookmarked it, and plan to read it again sometime soon. You are very descriptive in your work. Are you pursuing a career in literature?

 

[Jimmeh1337]

?In the first few lines, you said "you're degrees, certificates, and license are revoked." Should be "your".
?A few lines down, you said "expecting to be talking to a shocked audience. And they were shocked." Take out the period and replace it with a comma, "audience, and they".
?After that, you said "only three soldiers remained out the original two dozen", should have an "of" there.
?At the begging of page six, he should have "wood-like teeth", not "wooden like".
?At the top of page 9, "smaller meal breaks until, now," doesn't need that many commas.
?This one isn't a typo correction! This will take a lot of rewriting, but instead of just explaining the men's personalities, I would make it clear through the writing what their personality is like. You're kind of mixing these together, like how Riddin shortens breaks and such, but then you just outright say that he's childish, rather than implying he is.
?Second paragraph of page 19 says "on the were several videos"
?Page 21 should have a comma before "and" in "All because of his blind ignorance and pride too."
?Another comma before an "and" is needed in the first paragraph of page 23. "donned my jacket, and left the house."
?You should review your comma rules! The end of page 24 needs a comma before "but".
?The end of page 25, Wulf says "Maybe less time spent less time playing video games I wouldn't have to do all the work."
?Beginning of page 37 says "thought" instead of "though".

A bunch of typos, but this is well written! Maybe reword a few things to have it sound even better, but it definitely begins very well. You start with some action and curiosity, it really makes me want to keep reading. It probably helps that sci-fi horror is my favorite genre!

 

[myogaman]

?In the first few lines, you said "you're degrees, certificates, and license are revoked." Should be "your".
?A few lines down, you said "expecting to be talking to a shocked audience. And they were shocked." Take out the period and replace it with a comma, "audience, and they".
?After that, you said "only three soldiers remained out the original two dozen", should have an "of" there.
?At the begging of page six, he should have "wood-like teeth", not "wooden like".
?At the top of page 9, "smaller meal breaks until, now," doesn't need that many commas.
?This one isn't a typo correction! This will take a lot of rewriting, but instead of just explaining the men's personalities, I would make it clear through the writing what their personality is like. You're kind of mixing these together, like how Riddin shortens breaks and such, but then you just outright say that he's childish, rather than implying he is.

I figured it was more of Jenkyn's observation and hatred for him like the narrator is floating around in Jenkyn's mind. But I get what you're saying too. This whole thing is just a first draft so I really do plan on rewriting it again, but first I'd like to get it as perfect as possible.

?Second paragraph of page 19 says "on the were several videos"

On the glowing screen was a folder containing several videos, each with separate timestamps.

?Page 21 should have a comma before "and" in "All because of his blind ignorance and pride too."
?Another comma before an "and" is needed in the first paragraph of page 23. "donned my jacket, and left the house."
?You should review your comma rules! The end of page 24 needs a comma before "but".
?The end of page 25, Wulf says "Maybe less time spent less time playing video games I wouldn't have to do all the work."

Maybe if you spent less time playing video games I wouldn?t have to do all the work.

?Beginning of page 37 says "thought" instead of "though".

A bunch of typos, but this is well written! Maybe reword a few things to have it sound even better, but it definitely begins very well. You start with some action and curiosity, it really makes me want to keep reading. It probably helps that sci-fi horror is my favorite genre!

Hoh, snap. I'll start fixing this stuff. I'll also have Interlogue 2 ready soon and begin work on Chapter 2.