Depression: Dealing with the Aftershocks

[Jake0fTrades]

A while back, I was here talking about some serious depression issues I was suffering from. I was struggling with thoughts of suicide, my self-esteem was non-existent, and there was a girl I was head-over-heels in love with who I didn't think I deserved. Well, some things have changed since, not all of them for the better, but at least I'm calm enough now to try and properly deal with it.

1: I'm seeing a therapist and am soon to be taking some anti-anxiety medication to help me learn to deal with people, something that has always made me really uncomfortable.

2: I had a long talk with my friend--the girl--she knows how I feel, but she didn't feel the same way. She simply isn't really interested in a relationship with anyone right now, partially because she's graduating in a few weeks and doesn't think it's worth the hassle, but she still wants to be friends.


Right now, I want to salvage my friendship with this girl--let's call her "Dora" for now. I'm perfectly fine with us staying friends, she is too, and when I'm calm and collected like I am now, everything's A-okay. The problem is that I tend to be an incredibly emotionally imbalanced person, it's what makes me good at acting--the thing that brought the two of us together--but it makes me incredibly paranoid and insecure, even though she keeps reminding me that she's my friend, and that she sincerely cares about my well-being. She knows about my depression issues, and she's been very supportive, but I can't help myself but to constantly doubt that she's being honest with me. I keep suspecting that she's just talking to me out of guilt, or out of fear that I'll become suicidal if she cuts me out of her life.

If someone could talk to me, help me figure this out so I can get my life back on the right track, I'd be in your debt.

 

[senordesol]

Wow. Heavy stuff dude.

I can't say I've been where you are, but I've had anxiety attacks so bad that I would flat out cease to function. This shit's no fun.

So, about your friend. You say that you suspect your friend is basically staying supportive because she may fear you taking your own life.

First question: Is this all the time or just on your bad days?

Second question: If her concerns are real, are they invalid?

Thing ...uh...thing: it's very good that you're seeing a professional about all this, I'm about as adverse to meds as you are, but for God's sake, if you need them; take them. It does not make you less of a person, nor does it make you a failure. We all need help now and then, and sometimes the miracle of medicine can provide it.

Finally: It's good that you're talking about this, but don't expect much from an internet gaming/pop-culture magazine forum.

 

[Terramax]

I've suffered from depression and anxiety attacks too. Funnily enough, part of the reason was due to a girl I was hopelessly in lo-- obsessed with. I saw a councilor, but I didn't do the medication bit.

I'm not sure what I can say that hasn't already been covered, or would be better than what a therapist would suggest, but I will say this much - you need to understand you are very far from the only one who suffers from depression and anxiety. In fact, since I've recovered, I've met several people who're suffering it now. If you remind yourself you're not the only one, and that a great many people go through a depressive phase (I've heard it's 1 in 3 now, but I could be wrong) it might seem easier. It's common, and most common people get over it.

Also, move on with the girl. Stop thinking about her. If it's not going to happen, it's not going to happen. I know this is easier said than done. The girl I was obsessed with stuck in my mind all day and night for about 3 years (don't worry, I didn't do anything weird like stalk her, etc, just thought about her constantly) but eventually, without realising, I just moved on. This is just an opinion, but you might be better off not hanging around her much or at all. If you do so, you're just going to keep being paranoid about what she's thinking.

Also, remind yourself that depression and anxiety is just a phase you're going through. I had it for about 2 or 3 years. Anxiety attacks for 1 year. Then one day I woke up and realised I didn't get it anymore. Sometimes I get the feeling it's coming back, but I know the feeling will soon pass, and this helps me get over it.

Think positively. There's different ways to do this. Like setting targets and achieving them, or acknowledge when you reach a milestone. Again, I know this can be hard, or at least it certain was for me, but it can be done.

Sorry, this is a bit rambly. If you're ever really worried about anything, feel free to PM me.

 

[JimB]

Can you tell the difference between what you perceive and what your depression tells you you perceive? No, seriously, that's an honest question. Can you? It's kind of important to know before I can dispense much in the way of advice (not that you asked for advice, but I love to pontificate, so).

 

[Sixcess]

I think the best way to stay friends with her is to focus on things other than staying friends with her. I'll try to give an example of what I mean:

Her: so what've you been up to?
You: not much. What about you?

Thus giving her the impression that you're entirely focused/reliant on her, which puts pressure on her.

Better version:

Her: so what've you been up to?
You: oh I did [this], [this] and [that] and I'm working on [the other] What about you?

Excuse the amateur psychology. I make no claims to being an expert

One thing I will say is do not distance yourself from her altogether. If she genuinely does like you as a friend then you'd be doing her a disservice, and good friends don't grow on trees. In that I am speaking from experience - I thoroughly wrecked one relationship I had when I was going through a bad spell since I didn't want to feel I was 'feeding' off of them, so I avoided them entirely. It felt like the right thing to do at the time but in retrospect it's a mistake I still regret.

 

[viranimus]

I am sorry to hear that.

First things first. Know, that your on the right path, because your working through it, instead of giving in.

Secondly, Know that, nothing in this world ever stays the same. Sometimes when it seems like your at your lowest, something changes and makes you realize what you thought was bad was nothing. On the other side of that equation, know that, we are the most mentally complex animals on the planet. Because of that, we are naturally prone to chaos and conflict. Basically erratic emotions are literally a part of our very nature.

So Armed with this, it is vital to realize that there is, nor ever will be perfect. Happiness is a lie that simply does not exist the way we think of it. Happiness is not some up beat walking through life like its a musical emotion. Happiness is a cup of coffee first thing in the morning. Happiness is an hour long oral gratification session after going through a 3 year drought. Happiness is looking back at something you done and being proud of what you did not because it benefited you, but because you know you did something truly wonderful for someone else who really needed your help.

So you should never EVER fall prey to the false assumption that happiness should be a goal in life. No, what your goal in life should be contentment.

Now enough with generalizations. Specifics. The girl. First. Know that while fate does exist, we do have some pull in bending fate to our will. The overall governance is that is if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. You might have to do things to help it along, but if its fate, it was mento for you to to those things to get to that end.

Now, the most important thing is, focus on you, Not her. Again, strive for that state of contentment. Feel comfortable in your own skin. Even if its something you REALLY want, if you try to force it, it will feel forced and if it feels forced it will never feel right. Focus on being content with yourself, and your situation and she will feed off that contentment, and it may well open her eyes up to see a new side of you that she feels compelled to be around. But Again, you are the only person you can "work" on. You can never make her feel something she simply doesnt. All you can do is incorporate what you think are improvements in yourself and she may or may not gravitate to them.

Now, again I hate to sound cliche, but with the ratio being globally 51/49 Theres is a damn good chance there is a girl out there that you were destined to be with. It might not be this one. But it also might. But if it is not, do not get hung up on that. Too often guys pine away for some idealized image of perfection never realizing that their perfection wasnt as pefect as they once thought when compared to something that seems even more perfect. So as the cliche goes. Theres plenty of fish in the sea. So just because you dont hook this one, does not mean the right one is not out there for you.


So, I cannot say if this will help you or not. These are just my musings on your situation. I am not professional, But I am not a layman either, as I am approaching my licensure in Psychology and have been studying human interpersonal relationships for 7 years now. So dont take me or what I say as clinical advise. Take it as some good suggestions that you might be able to find some use for.

I wish you the best of luck. Know your never the only one, and no matter how bad the depression gets, Depression always moves in waves, so it WILL get better.


I look at this prospect in a way like loosing weight. Its a massive mistake to gauge your success on how many pounds youve lost. The number is irrelevant. Depending on how you work through it, you can actually end up gaining weight through the process and it being a good thing. The goal is not the number. The goal is how you feel, How easy it is to breath, how well your old skinny jeans fit, How good you look naked. Your goal is the effect, never the cause, and you should see your life in that way. Its not about being happy. Its about feeling good about your life and the choices you make with it, and what you get out of it. Its not about driving to one specific state of being. As cliche as it sounds, its not about the journey, its about how adjusting the things that dont work out of your life and focusing on the things that do is a hard fought but incredibly satisfying journey, not a short lived instant gratification destination.

 

[littlewisp]

This is advice based upon my own experiences and observations.

1) Be aware of your mood.

It's easy to be sucked into one of those dark holes where suddenly you're telling yourself that you're a burden to everyone and people only pretend to care about you out of some misguided form of pity, when really they're only tired of you and would be happier with you out of your life. Sound familiar? I bet it does. Talking to a therapist is great and the right step for a lot of people, but the idea is that with help you'll be able to monitor your own behavior and recognize patterns.

This in turn will help your therapist help you. For an example, I tend to be at my lowest mood wise right before or right after my period has started. I have to be gentle with myself during that time and avoid being negative towards myself, as it can lead to a nasty spiral. Granted, not everyone is lucky enough to have a behavioral pattern they can watch out for and avert, but finding things like that can make treatment for you a much easier task.

Also, try to figure out what helps trigger low moods. For me, I had to work on stress management. Even still, I have to work on boundaries with other people so I don't let their issues suck me into a low mood. I'll go into boundaries in a bit.

2) If you go on medications, be aware of your moods.

I've been on zoloft, paxl and prozac. Paxl and prozac made it worse for me, only I didn't care enough to monitor my emotions, and I had a second nasty spiral until they tried zoloft for me.

3) Try to keep yourself out of potentially negative situations.

Life has negativity. You're never going to be 100% stress free, but why make it harder? I'm not talking about trying to pad your life -- you need to live it and you'll have to take risks -- but things like hanging around people who are constantly negative (always putting you, themselves or others down), allowing yourself to be dragged into things that you know will cause a bad reaction (as in a panic attack -- you still need to push yourself, but do so with people who will be supportive of you and at your own pace), or even taking too big of a risk at a bad spot for you are things you want to avoid.

This might sound harsh, but if you're in a bad way and need someone to talk to, make sure it's someone who can handle your shit. If you're not sure the people around you can, or that they want to, call up your therapist. Additionally look into support groups/supportive online communities.

4. Healthy boundaries

It's a tough thing to learn, so you need to get on it if you haven't already. You might even talk to your therapist about it if you feel like it's something you want to work on.

Being able to recognize when you're getting too emotionally involved in someone else's problems, or being able to stop someone when their problems are more than you can handle is important to your health. Likewise, being aware of others' limits in regards to your own problems, and being able to communicate if you think there's something not quite right is important.

You have control over yourself, but no one else. Try not to take other peoples' reactions too personally (to the point that you let other people or put yourself in the position to let other people tear your down), but at the same time stick up for yourself.

You need to set up the boundaries of your friendship with this girl. If you are very close, then talk to her about it. If you feel she is incapable of saying no to you then let her dictate the terms. Now might be a good time to back off, as you both will have emotions you need to sort on your own time. Take heart in that she cares about you, but unless you establish open communication around her being capable of properly handling your clinical depression -- which can be a very sensitive and difficult thing to deal with -- you might want to keep the worst of it to your therapist or another person in your life who can deal with it.

Just because she says she can handle it doesn't mean she is able to put aside your troubles as separate from her own life. Unless she's capable of regonizing that your depression and her friendship with you are two separate things, it's possible for her to take in your depression as her own, which could badly impact her own emotional/mental health.

Remember, it doesn't reflect badly on you or her if she can't handle it. There's a reason why people train to counsel others.

5) Be kind to yourself.

Compliment yourself. Remind yourself of good things you've done. If you're at a rough spot with no one to confide in, pep talk yourself. Whatever you need to do to keep yourself on the right path. That said, you're going to have lows and bad moods. Don't get yourself down more just because you can't always be happy.

6) If you need to, give yourself a break

A friend of mine diagnosed with depression was recommended to go to this tea place once a week for tea with a close friend (me!) to openly talk about problems. So we go when we're able and we listen to each other. We don't try to fix each others' lives, or take on each others' problems, but we do offer each other a shoulder while we're there, and just catch up. We also talk about the good things. The time we spend isn't about being negative, but about building better lives.

So, maybe see if your therapist has any good places to recommend or thoughts about that kinda thing.


Hopefully I've been a little help. Everyone is different, and everyone's path to happiness is not the same one, so maybe my 'advice' doesn't apply -- but hey, isn't that something that someone took some time out of their day to try to help you? You're a worthy human being.

 

[Gormech]

I used to (kind of still do) have the same issue. Except I refused to take any kind of medication (family issue with them pushing stuff on me). Normally my mindset for dealing with stuff is to take a third person view and try to use logic to work things out, setting a goal here and there to work at. As far as friends go, don't worry about thinking that she is only talking to you out of guilt. Just be nice when you see her and don't try to make of point of scheduling meetings. Just let things go as they work out. Trying to force something to work usually does more harm than good but a lot of my relationships made a turn for the better when one of us just asked if they'd like to go out to eat every other week or so. In short, don't try to overthink it. Find a hobby or something to take the stress out on if you need to and that'll help with the nervousness. Also, it's not an act if you believe it.

 

[Terminal Blue]

snip

As a fellow sufferer allow me to go a bit tough love for a second. I'm sorry if I say things which are difficult to hear, but I'm saying them because if I could go back in time and say them to myself when I was in a similar position, I would. This is how I've learned to deal with myself. But hey, like Littlewhisp says everyone is different, so I hope what I say doesn't sound too brutal here.

1) You're still depressed, and if that's been the case for a while now, then the chances are these feelings will keep recurring for years, possibly for the rest of your life. Never delude yourself into thinking its over, or that you've won, or that you'll never have to feel like that again, because the second you stop paying attention you'll be straight back there as soon as something goes wrong.

It is a long, long fight, and the only way it gets easier is if you learn to look after yourself properly.

2) The reason why people won't want to get into a relationship with you is because you are (naturally, and understandably) desperate for someone to come along and offer you a way out of yourself, and anyone who has spent any time around you can see that. Actually, it's not a bad thing. It's a compassionate thing on their part, as much as anything else, because getting into a relationship at this point could be the worst thing that could happen to you.

Unless they are mental health professionals, you cannot ever trust other people to make anything better, and the closer they are to you the more they will fuck it up if they try. Other people will make it worse and they will fuck you over because they don't have the time or the energy or the training to look after you. There is no special person who is an exception or who you can put your trust in entirely.

You need to look after yourself first, and think about your relationships with other people second. Friends, partners, even family members, none of these people will know how to deal with you, and trying to make them will drive them away and make you feel worse.

If you are only okay because of someone else, then you're not really okay because that person could fuck up or walk out at any time. If you're genuinely okay on your own without needing anyone else to look after you, you're ironically in a much better position to have relationships.

3) I don't know if I should say this because it might feed your paranoia, but it might also give you perspective on the situation and prevent things from becoming unpleasant in the future, so here we go. I suspect your friend (Dora) is not telling you the full story. I suspect she genuinely likes you as a person but feels no attraction to you because she recognizes that a relationship with you would be destructive for both her and you.

I say this so that if she gets in a relationship with someone else in the future you recognize that she hasn't suddenly betrayed you or gone back on her word. Anyone who would seek out a relationship with you in this state is probably looking for someone to boost their ego, regardless of the consequences, and you should stay the hell away from people like that.

When you can look after yourself and see yourself as someone worth being around, other people will pick up on that and be more ready to share it with you.

I know it's difficult, but try not to worry about that pressure to meet someone or have a relationship. It doesn't matter, in the end. It probably wouldn't make you as happy as you think it would, and it might even make things a lot worse.

4) You need to recognize when you are being delusional. Depression does make you delusional, it makes you believe irrationally in your own worthlessness when you have no real reason to do so.

I mean, seriously. If someone is hanging around with you, it's theoretically possibly they're doing so for reasons other than the fact that they enjoy your company, but they're pretty far-fetched really. Put yourself in other peoples' positions for a second. People don't notice or care about your depression as much as you do. If they didn't like hanging out with you, they probably wouldn't. After all, you wouldn't engage in a huge convoluted deception to try and make someone believe you liked them, why would they?

Get used to checking your emotions for signs of delusion. Whenever a part of you starts thinking that someone doesn't really like you or is only hanging around with you out of obligation or fear, tell that part of you to shut up, because it's being delusional. It doesn't matter what "evidence" your brain can whip up for these elaborate conspiracy theories, they're still delusional. Discard them, force yourself to reject them, and above all else never, ever inflict them on the people in question. Because nothing turns people against you faster than lashing out at them or behaving suspiciously towards them over things they haven't actually done.

Just try to keep the world in perspective. Depression makes little things seem hugely important, but they're not. Just force yourself to remember that. The chances are other people aren't even noticing the things which seem hugely, monolithically important to you.

5) Intrusive thoughts are just thoughts. If you find yourself thinking about suicide, it doesn't mean you're going to do it. There's a very long way to go between thinking about suicide (suicide ideation) and actually trying to go through with it.

If you react badly to these thoughts and become scared of them, you'll make yourself feel worse. Rather, just accept that sometimes you'll need to think about suicide. It's not dangerous, it's not bad for you, it's not going to make things worse or drive you mad. What will make things worse is worrying about it.

Successful suicides tend to be spur of the moment reactions from people in an extreme and momentary state of desperation, or occasionally the result of experimentation gone wrong. Unless you get so worried about suicide that you become desperate and irrational and start to feel "trapped", or you find yourself doing something dangerous just to see what will happen, there's no reason you should worry. Worrying won't make you stop thinking about it anyway.

6) Anti-anxiety medication is very different from taking an anti-depressant. Most anti-anxiety medication (which I'm presuming means an anti-psychotic, I can't think of any logical reason why anyone would prescribe you a sedative) works on everyone and takes effect pretty much instantly, so you don't have to worry about sitting around for a month and then having it make no difference. It's not something to be afraid of at all, the chances are it will be so subtle that you won't notice any difference apart from the side effects. Talk to people you trust and ask them to tell you honestly if they've seen any improvement, because the chances are they'll see it before you do.

Side effects to watch out for would be feelings of fatigue and increased appetite, especially for sugary foods. Weight gain is a very, very common problem, so try to monitor your food intake and make sure you're exercising. You may well find your sex drive drops off too. You might also feel a little sick for a few days after you start or when you increase your dose (which you shouldn't be afraid to do so).

Like I said, sorry.. the only way I've learned how to deal with myself is through brutal honesty and by never compromising, but I make no promises that it will help you. Everyone has to find their own mechanism for dealing with this, and as long as whatever you find makes you able to live your life, that's a good thing. Keep living, keep learning, and eventually it will get easier and easier. Every life has pain in it, and my experience is that it doesn't go away, but you can become better at dealing with it.

Despite what I've said, don't be too hard on yourself though. You are genuinely sick, and that's not your fault. Expecting you to handle yourself perfectly is like expecting someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. There's nothing wrong with holding yourself to a standard, for me it's what pulled me out of the really bad bits, and keeps me from slipping back right up to this day, but you also need to have compassion for yourself, and be willing to forgive, because you're going to make mistakes. Fuck it, everyone makes mistakes. Learn from them, don't dwell on them. Your mind is on a non-stop search for things it can use to hurt you, don't give it the ammunition by wallowing in regret.